On My Own
And now it seems that I have found On my own
Nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
-The Used
"I know you hate me…I hate me…but I wanted you to know I was getting out in two days and your sister told me you got back two months ago." I squeezed my eyes shut and felt comfort coming from Logan…but it didn't seem like enough. Katie told him I was home? More importantly Katie was talking to him, and mom was okay with it? "She was the one who gave me this number. Well with permission buy your mother of course. Also…she told me that you were back with Logan and I can't tell you how happy I am for you. He was always perfect for you." I opened my eyes and pushed Logan back by his hip and turned away so I was facing the sink. I put my head down and heard the sigh from Logan. "I know your going to not like hearing this part…but your mom is letting me come back. I promise you Kendall, I'm different. I'm not that guy anymore. It took me almost 15 years to figure that out, but I'm changed."
"I don't want to see you. Ever again." It went quiet on the other line and one of Logan's hands was on my back I shrugged it off and he backed away and I heard him walk out of the kitchen. Two second slater the bedroom door was slammed shut. I turned back around and leaned against the counter. "I'm done talking to you. I need to take care of something…"
"Kendall please…" It was all I heard because I hung up. I put the phone on the counter and walked back to the shared room. It seemed to take longer then usual probably because I was debating weather I wanted to deal with him, right after talking to my dad. When I reached our bedroom door, it was open. I looked down the hall and saw the bathroom door shut and then heard the shower running. Good enough excuse not to deal with it right now. I stepped in the room and flopped on the bed, grateful for sleep.
It didn't happen though. I couldn't sleep. I knew pushing Logan away iek I did probably only made things worse, and just like his dad said, I needed to pull Logan in, instead of pushing. I laid flat on my back for 10 minutes while he showered and then shaved. I was upset about that. I loved his little beard he was growing.
When the bathroom door opened, I turned quick facing away from the door and sighed. I heard him walk in, and could smell the body soap and after shave. It made my eyes close, and my stomach flip. The closet door slammed open and it made em shoot up. The door hitting the wall…sounded all to familiar. I knew he heard me get up and when he turned around I knew he knew what he just did. My eyes were wide, full of fear. I could just tell. I was clenching the sheets, trying my hardest not to break down completely. His body relaxed and he walked over to me slowly.
"I'm so sorry Kendall…I...i didn't mean to make it so loud." I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed out hard.
"It'sok." I had to force it out, just to let him know I wasn't to terribly upset. It still was ringing through my ears but feeling him get on the bed, made e open my eyes, His towel was threatening to fall off at any second. It was around his waist but barely. He moved closer, not caring if in fact the towel fell and one of his still warm hands cupped my cheek. Just that small contact sent me over and I pulled into him. I made our lips touch, causing him to push me down on my back and get over top of me.
8 years without any kind of physical contact with another human being, especially my Logan, was enough to make me insane. I missed a lot about Logan but the one thing I would always crave and want dearly, was his touch and the feeling of being inside him. There was just something different and special about him that made me hooked. Not that I had anyone else to compare him to but he was the best. And honestly, I didn't need anyone else to compare him to. He would always be the best.
I sat up on my elbows, while he tried unbuttoning my pants while trying not to shake. This would be the first time, in a long time, for both of us, and just like the very first time, he was a nervous wreck. I sat up quick and put my hands on his shoulders. He looked up, eyes a little dark form lust, and bit his bottom lip, which sent me over the edge. I shoved him to the side and pushed him on his back. I got off the bed, tearing the towel out from under him and he moaned out, running his hands through his hair. I kicked off my shoes, undid my pants and slid them off with my boxers. I went to the bottom of the bed and grabbed his legs, and pulled him down, so his bitt was hanging off the end. I bent down some and took his lips in mine. He kissed back greedily holding the back of my neck with one hand. I pulled away to get a better look at him and he was slightly panting with red cheeks.
"Didn't you want to wait?" He raised his eyebrows. "Go slow…"
"Kendall…I think 2 months is plenty slow. I need you right now, and if I didn't know any better I'd think you needed me." It was like he was reading my mind and it made me that much more excited. I stood up, still staring at the fire in his eyes and positioned myself. "Go easy down their champ. 8 years…remember." I laughed and nodded. He wrapped his legs around my body and i slowly and gently pushed inside. His moans were intoxicating. His arched back was giving me permission to push in harder. His fist tightly clenching the bed sheets encouraged me to bend down and kiss the life out of him while he adjusted. When it was all said in done…we were finally as one. He was with me and I was with him, and for once in my head, everything was right, and everything had stopped spinning and made since.
It wasn't until he was grinding down on me, begging me to thrust into him, I snapped out of my thoughts and did as he wished. He managed to grab ahold of my arms and was scratching up and down my arms. I was really trying to keep it together but it all happened so fast and before i knew It was emptying inside him. Completely. And it was only seconds later where he did the same putting it all over his stomach. We both groaned loud and animal like. When my weight became too much I pulled out and fell over top of him. He groaned when our bodies collided but otherwise stayed quiet except for the panting. His hands went to my back and rubbed up and down slowly.
"Wow…" He said it breathlessly and I chuckled kissing the skin I could reach without moving too much. "Even though that was the quickest we've ever gone, I am still confident that was our best."
"I have to agree. Although this position is killing my back." He gently pushed me up and got off the bed. He pushed me on the bed and I crawled on it, on my stomach and sighed out hard. My feet dangled off the end and his hands ran up the back of my legs. He continued slightly parting my legs until his hands where at my butt.
"So…I mean only if you want…can I ask what he wanted?" I closed my eyes and didn't move letting him lay over me. He wasn't heavy and it didn't bother me. And as a plus he was gently nibbling at my ear.
"He wanted to tell me he was getting out and that him and my mom are going to be together again." He sighed and rested his cheek on my shoulder. "Also…Katie's been talking to him. Like a lot." I pushed my arms up under the pillows and sighed out. "Sorry I was dick to you…"
"Don't Kendall. I was being pushy. I'm sorry." I chuckled and lifted my head and raised up on my elbows. He put kisses all over my shoulder and before I could tell him I love him, his cell could be heard from down the hall echoing in the bathroom. He groaned and got up slowly. "I swear to God if that's Carlos…." He jumped off the bed, still naked and walked out into the hall. I laughed and pushed myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed. "What Carlos…no I'm sorry…yes he's fine. He's better then fine…" He walked back into the room smiling ear to ear and I smiled big back. "He is great." I got up quick and pushed him into the wall. He covered his mouth and I attached my lips to his neck. "Is there some kind of emergency? Were in the middle of something…" I bit down and he couldn't hid the groan. I put my hand sunder his but and lifted him, keeping him against the wall. His legs wrapped around waist and I continued to attack his neck. "Wait what?" I stopped and he put a hand on my mouth shaking his head. "No Carlos…why would I do that?!" He was yelling …at Carlos. I carefully put him down and he closed his eyes. "Carlos I promise I didn't do it! Why would I fuck with that?...oh yes you are!" I put a hand on his shoulder and he sighed. "Carlos I promise I didn't do it…what? Well he went with me a couple times…Carlos he's not that kind of guy…" He looked down quick and I knew I heard the name Kevin. "No please just let me talk to him…I will kill James if he does!" I sighed and kissed his head. "Yeah okay…give me a few. Okay." He hung up and put his head back closing his eyes. "Were short on money, and Carlos thinks it was Kevin. I have to go in…" H looked at me and frowned. "I'm sorry. We were having such a nice time and…" I put a finger to his lips and smiled.
"Go take care of it my little financial genius." He smiled and nodded. "I need to find a job to. Or at least a hobby anyway." He nodded again and pushed into me kissing my Adam's apple.
I watched him get dressed and ready, as I sat in bed with his laptop in front of me. Once he was all dressed I had the unnerving fear that he wasn't coming back. It was like once he left, after the shit I put him through in the past 24 hours, he was going to be done and just leave. He walked to me kissing the side of my mouth and then my temple.
"Hopefully this won't be long. And if you need me, just call. I will drop everything for you." I turned ot him and felt some fear leaving my body, and nodded. "And if you just need someone to talk to call me. Please babe." I swallowed hard and closed my eyes nodding. "I love you."
"I love you too…" He kissed my lips one more time and I took the opportunity to wrap around him. He sighed and got on his knees next to me, resting his head on top of mine. I put my head on his chest and squeezed him.
"Do you want me to stay? I can have Carlos bring the paper work here…"
"No…no go…I just…just give em a minute." He kissed the top of my head and ran his hands over my bare head. "I…I really love you Logan."
"I know babe. I love you too. So much." For me, just hearing that seemed ot be enough. I pulled away and nodded smiling up at him.
"Okay…you can go." He laughed and kissed my lips one last time and got off the bed. "Call me when you're coming home so I can make dinner." He nodded smiling and blew me a kiss as he walked out the bedroom. When the front door shut, and I even heard the lock click in place I sat back and sighed out. I looked around and was tempted to turn on the TV, to try to find something cheerful and happy, but the emptiness and quiet was too much I closed my eyes, feeling a headache coming on. All that strength I felt hearing Logan tell em he loved me, and feeling him around my arms was disappearing. Fast. I was slowly slipping back into the familiar dark hole where all I knew was, pain, fear and loneliness.