I saw Ashley's shoulders fall slightly into a more relaxed position as she closed and bolted the door behind my parents. After mom had checked and changed my dressings dad had decided it was time for them to leave, promising they would be back tomorrow and were just a call away if we needed them. Mom however had reiterated that she would much prefer me home and had sent a very pointed look at Ashley before my dad gently steered her into the hallway.

"So , what do you wanna do babe?" Ashley asked moving back towards me. "We could watch some crappy TV or a movie or we could go out or we could do anything. "

I felt something brush against the skin on my hands and instantly jerked them back, slightly panicked. I saw Ashley withdraw her hands from near my hips and relaxed slightly.

It was only Ashley. You know it's only Ashley. Obviously it won't be anything else, why are you panicking? You idiot Spencer.

"Sorry." I felt my chest start to burn seeing the contrite look on her face. She shouldn't have to be sorry for wanting to hold my hand.

The burning in my chest got even more intense at the flicker of sadness I saw behind her chocolate eyes.

"It's alright. I, I think I'm just gonna have a shower ok." I needed to get away. I was running and I knew it. I was already heading backwards towards the bathroom as I saw Ashley nod.

"'Course babe. I'll just be on the couch if you need me yeah?"

I turned around and tried to keep my pace even as I fled to the bathroom. Coward. How can you do this to her? Get your head together Spencer.

I practically leapt into the bathroom and shut the door, clicking the lock in place. Something I rarely ever did. The bathroom door was usually left open as invitation whenever we went for showers in case the other wanted to join in. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't have Ashley see me. See me damaged.

"Oh jesus."

I couldn't help exclaiming as I looked in the mirror.

I looked like death.

I was bandaged and bruised. My face was pale. And my eyes. Oh god. Even my eyes looked dead. I didn't even recognise the person who faced me. This wasn't me. It couldn't be me.

Is this what everyone has been looking at for the past 24 hours? A beaten, half shell of me?

I felt a sob starting to bubble in my chest. I quickly flicked on the shower so Ashley wouldn't hear, slid to the floor beside the bath and allowed the torrent of emotions to escape with one huge shaking sob.

I rested my head against the bathroom door, my heart breaking as I heard Spencer cry inside.

It took a while before I was able to get myself under control. I stubbornly wiped the tear tracks off my face and pulled myself to my feet. I had better get showered and out before Ashley comes looking for me, she is struggling enough with this enough without knowing I'm not strong enough to cope. I can't be any more of a burden than I am already. She deserves better than that.

She deserves someone clean. Someone untainted.

I carefully started to remove my clothing, it was difficult negotiating around my back with the scrapes and bandages pulling painfully with too much movement.

Sighing, I bit my lip as I started to remove my pants. Fingers faltering as I reached for the band on my underwear.

It's just too much. I can't think about . . . .

Can't think about what happened. His voice. Breath. Pain.

I'm still in pain now. I've been trying so hard to put it out my mind. But the tell tale burning between my legs. . .

I suddenly became aware that I was whimpering.

Pull yourself together Spencer. What use are you to anyone if you can't even manage to take a shower. How pathetic have you become?

Closing my eyes I took several deep breaths. Feeling the oxygen fill my lungs and the shaking in my hands subdue slightly.

Just stop thinking. Stop thinking about that. Clear your mind. You can't do anything if you keep replaying that in your mind.

I kept up that litany, trying to control my breathing.

Eventually I just felt numb, my mind blank.

I moved monotomously around, not looking at myself or the mirror.

Clothes off. Into the shower. Keep water off bandages. Scrub. Don't look down. Scrub.

I felt a small burning starting on my skin and chanced a look down. All the visible skin that was not dark with bruises was starting to become red raw I was scrubbing so hard with the cloth.

But I needed it.

I needed to be clean.

I kept cleaning. Trying to scrub last night off me. Trying to scrub Him off me. I needed to be free.

And I just kept going.

I sat on the couch with the television on but not really seeing or hearing what was happening on the shitty sitcom repeat that was playing. My ears were mostly listening out for sounds from the bathroom. For sounds Spencer needed me.

I had dragged myself away from the door when the sobbing from inside had seemed to stop.

I needed to be there for her but Mr C was right, I can't push her. I had to let her have her space. Be there for when she needed and wanted me, not when I thought she needed me.

But it still hurt so much to hear her hurting. And being unable to comfort her. Without being able to protect her.

Like I should have done in the first place.

If I had done my job none of this would have happened.

I slammed my fist down on the arm of the couch. I needed to get control of myself. I knew logically that berating myself over what had happened wouldn't help.

Be strong Ashley. Be strong for everyone.

I heard the bathroom door open and jumped to my feet.

I saw Spencer's towelled form shuffle into the corridor.

And I saw her red aggravated skin. And the new abrasions.

"Spence, are you alright? Your skin looks really red!" I'd leapt forward and reached out to her arm.

"I'm fine Ashley."

"But.."

"Just leave it Ashley. I'm going to get changed."

And with that she turned and walked into the bedroom. Leaving my standing.

At a complete loss as to what to do next.