Chapter 10

Maura woke up screaming and drenched in sweat. She was getting used to the dreams but this one was different. She got up as she has over the past two weeks and took a shower to rid herself of the dirty feelings that came with each dream. She stood in the shower and let the water wash it away. In her mind she knew it was unreasonable but it made her feel cleaner therefore she did it. She changed the sheets again and turned the light on and sat on the bed hugging her knees to her chest and let the tears fall. She wanted to call Jane to talk about it like they had done so often in the past but she still wasn't ready to open that door. She grabbed the medical journal she had been reading before she fell asleep but knew it was useless and threw it across the room in anger.

"Why me?" She screamed. "What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. You did nothing wrong, you didn't deserve it you're a good person. It was something that happened to you, you did not ask for it. You're a good person. You're a good person." She'd been telling herself this for the past two weeks and she was beginning to finally believe it. She turned off the light and closed her eyes with the mantra going through her head over and over again until she fell asleep.

"So Maura how has your week been? Still having the dreams?"

Maura smiled at the doctor's direct approach. "Let's not beat around the bush now Doctor. I'm feeling a little better this week. I'm still having dreams but they seem to be changing somewhat." Maura sat back on the comfortable couch and sipped her tea and watched the doctor pour her own tea from a small tea pot.

"How are they changing?" Dr. Brenda Stryker, the doctor Jan had recommended, sat back with her pen and paper waiting for Maura's answer.

"Up until a last night I kept dreaming that I was never rescued and the rapes kept happening over and over again. I'd scream but Ian would never stop. He'd laugh then leave me alone. I see it happening even when I'm awake. But last night Jane rescued me and shot Ian."

"So do you have any idea what that means? And why the dream changed?"

"That I'm past the Denial and Isolation stage and now I'm angry and want to kill the bastard." She sat back rather satisfied with herself.

Brenda laughed at the smug look on Maura's face. "Why would it be Jane killing him and not you?"

Maura thought about it for a few minutes then smiled. "Because she's the badass cop, as she would put it and I'm the badass part time protector."

"Is there a story behind that statement?"

"When Charles Hoyt escaped from prison Jane was having problems sleeping and I showed up at her apartment determined to do what I could to help her sleep. She showed me the very basics on how to shoot her gun and then she pointed it towards her door and told me to shoot if anyone came through it. As she was walking away I asked her if I looked like a badass and she said I did."

"So Jane trusted you enough to protect her life?" Brenda asked quietly.

"Yes she did."

"So why then do you think she ran away this time?"

"Because…because she risks her life everyday and there are days she takes it for granted but it isn't every day that she risks her heart and that's new to her." They smugness left Maura when she realized what she was saying.

"But this isn't about Jane this is about you. Why do you think it keeps coming back to her?"

"Because without Jane I revert back to that girl in school that everyone picked on and called a geek. I'm like my tortoise Bass, I hide in my shell. She opened me up to a whole new world and has helped me make friends with people I never would have thought I'd be friends with. I'm not a snob but growing up I was never in many positions to interact with the people I work with every day. Then when I started as the Police Department Medical Examiner I didn't know how to even approach them. Jane made it easy, she makes everything easy. First it was just her and I sharing a lunch in my office, and then we started going out to different places for lunch. Places I never would have set foot in before meeting her. Take for instance the Dirty Robber Bar, it's a cop bar and it gets very noisy and sometimes they even have fights. I used to prefer a much quieter sedate atmosphere but I now look forward to Friday nights spent at the Dirty Robber with Jane, Vince, Barry, and Frankie drinking wine and sometimes I would have a beer. I still take Jane to a quiet restaurant on occasion

but I really enjoy our times at the Dirty Robber. I do enjoy the quiet evenings too but they aren't as often as nights at the Robber." Maura sat back with a wistful smile on her face when she realized today was Friday and she wondered if Jane was going to be at the Robber tonight.

"Why aren't the nights at quiet restaurants as often anymore?" Brenda was watching Maura's face as she apparently thought about something, and she didn't know if it was a pleasant thought or not.

"Because with both of our schedules being so erratic it is hard to not only make reservations but to keep them once we've made them. There have been times when we've been all dressed up and ready to go out when we've gotten a call and we have to change and head to a crime a scene. With the Robber we can drop in anytime and there always seems to be someone there that we know and we always have a good time."

"Have you kept in touch with any of your friends from college or your old life?" She said adding air quotes.

"No because in college I was a couple of years younger than most of the other students because I started college early. And I've come to realize that I didn't like the way I was as I was growing up. I was a snob, as Jane has lovingly put it, and I've realized that I rubbed people the wrong way at the precinct and most other places within my line of work. I don't keep in touch with most of those people because Jane doesn't like who I become when I'm with them. For instance, there was a murder that involved one of my old boyfriends and I became involved with him again and almost let it get in the way of the investigation. I actually asked Jane to treat the Fairfields differently than other suspects, of course I didn't realize it at the time. I couldn't believe they would be involved but it turned out that Garrett, the man I was seeing, was the murderer. I turned my back on Jane and all of my friends because the Fairfields didn't like them. I even allowed them to put Jane down because she was blue collar. I felt bad afterwards but during the investigation I fell right back into the Maura I was growing up. I only talked to Jane on the job because I gave all my attention to Garrett."

"What happened after the investigation?"

"Jane acted as if nothing happened. She handled it with her usual sarcasm and things went back to normal."

"Do you still blame Jane for you being raped?"

"I know I shouldn't but I do sometimes." Maura felt bad about blaming Jane but she couldn't help it.

"Why do you keep saying you shouldn't blame her?" The topic had come up a couple of times but Maura never wanted to talk about it.

"Because she wasn't the one that raped me Ian was." Maura was wringing her hands together. She didn't like talking about .

"But?" Dr. Stryker nudged Maura to continue.

"If she loved me enough she should have stayed and fought for me. She shouldn't have left me alone with him." Brenda just sat and let Maura work it out for herself. "But as far as she knew she was leaving me with someone who loved me and didn't think he meant me any harm. She never would have left if she thought I was in danger."

Brenda was encouraged because this was the part Maura never talked about. They'd gone over the rape over and over again and she let Maura talk about it but she had always avoided Jane's part in what happened. "Why do you say that?"

"I don't know if you've heard our story or not but we've been through a lot together." Maura thought about it for a minute.

"No I don't know your story do you want to tell me?"

"Jane and I have been best friends for over 6 years and on more than one occasion Jane has almost died to protect me. The first time was when the precinct had been taken over by a dirty cop and Jane's brother had been shot. He had a tension pneumothorax and I had to insert a tube to relieve the pressure on his lung. Bobby, the bad cop, had us all believing he was on our side while all the time trying to find the evidence against him. Then he decided to use Jane as his leverage to get out of there and he told her he knew I was going to come after them and would shoot me when I came out the door and she would have to watch it. She grabbed his hand and shot him by shooting through herself, she did it to save me."

"I read about that in the paper. I thought it was a rather risky move on her part."

"I thought so too but it was only recently that I found out that he was going to shoot me. Jane never said anything to anyone, she just let everyone believe she did something stupid. They gave her a medal for it and she just put the medal in a drawer and forgot about it. She never thought she was a hero and still doesn't."

"You mentioned a second time." Dr. Stryker prodded her.

"Did you ever hear of the one they called the Surgeon?" Maura watched as she nodded her head. "Well he was Jane's personal nightmare. She was one of the detectives investigating his case. He was fixated on this doctor and Jane got wind of where he was holding her and she and her partner Vince Korsak went out to check it out. Jane went down the stairs without waiting for Korsak and Charles Hoyt was waiting for her and knocked her out. When she woke up he had her pinned to the ground with a scalpel through each hand." She shuddered at the thought and watched and the doctor winced too. "But Korsak got there in time to save her. Once she recovered she asked for a new partner because she thought Vince didn't trust her anymore."

"Did he still trust her?"

"He says he did but Jane didn't think so."

"So she just assumed that he no longer trusted her. She never asked him before she asked for a new partner?"

"No she just did what she thought was best." That caused Maura to pause a moment.

Brenda watched as Maura processed what she just said and knew it was an important piece of information. "So what else happened?"

"Hoyt escaped from prison and found a way to get to her again but she managed to kill one man and injure Hoyt and escape him again. Hoyt had a way to get into her head even though he was behind bars. The man she killed was his apprentice. Then the final time was when he had a prison guard kill a man just to get Jane into the prison so he could tell her about another murder he had committed. He told her he was dying and wanted to talk to her. I told her I wanted to go with her because I could tell if he was lying or not. At this point we didn't know the guard was in on it. Once we were in the room with Hoyt he was supposed to have been tethered to the bed but he wasn't and he was able to overpower Jane and handed her over to the guard. He came over to me and zapped me with the guard's stun gun and was going to rape me and make Jane watch. She managed to overpower the guard and was fighting with Hoyt when she stabbed him with the scalpel we was going to use one her." Maura's hand was unconsciously rubbing the small scar on her neck.

"Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you two had been through a lot together. So what do you think happened this time? Why did she run away?"

"Maybe she was doing what she thought was best for me, just like she did with Korsak. I had told her that Ian was the love of my life the last time he was here and we'd never discussed it since. I'd told her in the past that whenever Ian came to town I was available to him. I was never in a serious relationship when he was in town so it was easy to spend time with him. I guess I was never in a serious relationship until Jane. Maybe she ran away because she thought I would do the same to her that I'd done in the past. Did she really think I would do that to her? She should have asked instead of assumed. Yes she should have asked. She should have fought for me. She should have trusted my love for her but she didn't or maybe she didn't love me enough to fight for me."

"How do you feel about that?"

"What's so wrong with me that makes me so hard to love. My own birth mother doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I could save her daughter's life but she still won't talk to me. Jane either doesn't love me enough or doesn't trust me so there must be something wrong with me."

"Have you ever thought it could be the other people with something wrong not you? Why do you naturally assume there has to be something wrong with you? You've told me about your birth mother so why is it you think she doesn't want you?"

"Well it's been weeks since I told her I was her daughter and I haven't heard from her, what else am I to assume?"

"I don't know you tell me. What else could it be?"

"I only deal with facts Brenda and the fact is she hasn't called or made any attempt to contact me."

"Ok let's try something then. I'm not going to ask you to put yourself in her position because you clearly would not reject a child in need so let's try this. When you go home tonight I want you to make a list of the possible reasons why Hope hasn't called you or tried to contact you. I want you to think like she might be thinking and come up with at least five reasons that do not reflect negatively on you. You're doing better Maura, believe me you've come a long way in a short time. Continue with the group and I'll see you in two days ok?"

"I do feel better about myself, maybe not much but a little bit. Baby steps right?"

"Right. Let me walk you out."

"No that's ok. I think I know the way out by now." Maura smiled at the doctor and turned towards the door and left. She sat in her car and thought about the session. She was usually drained after her sessions but for the first time she felt hopeful. She started her car and started to drive home. She changed her direction and stopped on the way home and went shopping. Something she hadn't done since Ian showed up at her door. She would have to remember to tell Brenda because this could be a breakthrough. She got home and the house was empty, she had told her mother to resume her life and she was in Europe at the moment. Angela was probably still at work so Maura decided to cook dinner. Another thing she hadn't done in over the past two weeks. She was in the kitchen when Angela knocked on the front door and came in. Maura turned and smiled when she walked into the kitchen.

"Well you look better today. And you're cooking. Are you ok?" Angela smiled at the woman she considered one of her own.

"I am feeling better and I felt like cooking dinner for you to say thank you for all you've done for me this past or so. It couldn't have been easy for you. You must feel like you're being torn in different direction between Jane and me." Maura turned back to the stew she was making.

Angela walked up behind Maura and tentatively put her hand on her shoulder and sighed in relief when Maura didn't shy away from her like she'd been doing the last two weeks. "I'm a mother, I'm used to being pulled in all different directions by my children so don't worry about it." Maura felt a warm feeling course through her as Angela referred to her as one of her children.

"Well if you would please set the table we can eat." Maura carried the stew into the dining room then went back to the kitchen for a bottle of wine. She poured a glass for both of them then raised her glass to Angela. "Thank you for being patient with me."

"You're easy to be patient with. I don't t know what I would have done in your situation and I don't think I would have been as strong as you've been. You amaze me Maura." Angela watched as she blushed from the compliment.

"Behind closed doors I'm not that strong. I've been having bad dreams and I can't seem to stop them."

"Jane told me that once she killed Hoyt her dreams came less often and they weren't as bad when she did have them. So maybe you have to figure out how to defeat the demons causing the dreams." Angela took a bite of the stew.

"Are you saying I should kill Ian?" Maura smiled across the table to show Angela she was kidding.

"Maybe not actually kill him but metaphorically kill him. Figure how to do that and maybe you can get past this. I know you'll never forget it but you can and will get past it." She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Maura's. "You're a strong woman and you will survive. By the way Barry and Vince wanted me to say hi and tell you they miss you."

"Thank you. I should give them a call. I will on Monday. So how was your day?" The two of them had a quiet evening and Maura eventually decided to go to bed early to start on her list for Brenda.

5 Reasons why I haven't heard from Hope.

She's been busy

She's worried about what this will do to Caylin

She's still trying to process the fact that I'm not dead

She's like me and she will research whether it could be true or not that I am alive

She accepts that I am alive and is just not ready to pursue a relationship

Maura sat back and surveyed her list. She wasn't happy with it but none of them were negative. "That's just going to have to do for now. I can always change it if I come up with something better." She set the list aside and thought about what she and Dr. Stryker had talked about today. Mainly about Jane's part in everything. Would Jane have been able to stop Ian? Was she being fair to Jane? When Ian abducted her it was because he surprised her at work because he knew Jane would be at the house whenever she was at home so he planned it to avoid Jane. But why did she leave that night and why did she turn off her phone? Only Jane could answer those questions and maybe she was ready to face her and get those answers. She finally laid down and fell asleep thinking about calling Jane in the morning.