Authors Note; I want to thank everyone who has so kindly reviewed - Queendel, Mlygia, Jelena, Norrsken and anyone whose name I can't remember at 3.00 a.m! A little more angst I'm afraid and Alexander never learns, but...
I'm not sure if the ancients knew about post-natal depression but I'm quite sure the women suffered from it the same as they do today...
The notorious 'You are nothing without me' incident is also here, with a twist - it's AU after all.
Chapter Ten
Alexander POV
I had now totally lost Hephaestion. He no longer shared my dream, only the need to safeguard our remaining son's inheritance. Ever since the birth of Alexandros he had not been the same with me. Oh, I know I slept with the damn eunuch but that was nothing but a physical need – I never loved him as I did Hephaestion, I will never love anyone as I do him, ever. What was wrong with him? He no longer laughed or argued with me but gave commands. Why was that? I asked Senji, as the weeks went by after Alexandros' death and Phai seemed to withdraw into himself, what the problem was – physical or mental?
"I've seen it many times in women who have given birth, Great King. It is melancholia, a malaise that descends on them for no physical reason."
"Do they get over it?"
"Most, yes. But the Chiliarch had a bad pregnancy to begin with. Then, well, there were personal – you and the eunuch…"
"Yes, I know. I was there."
"And now the death of the boy has sunk his mind even further into the malaise. My King he could possibly be suicidal – this I have also seen."
"No – he's too intent on Achillaeus' survival for that; he blames me for it all and I don't think he is wrong."
"Perhaps. Give him time, sire."
Time. Time heals all, time ends all. I had only one son, a son I had dreamt of with my love. But I now, ironically, understood my father better. One son was not enough – he had lost many before I was born. I needed more but I would not use Hephaestion to get them; I would not put him through that ever again. So I had to find a more natural way of producing children – a woman.
I found one at Sogdia. She was called Roxanne 'Little Star', the eldest daughter of the Cheiftain Oxyartes, and she was perfect for my needs. Unfortunately my generals disagreed. All they saw was the daughter of a minor chieftain of no political consequence whatsoever – and they were right. I saw the mother of my child to be; a woman of spirit and ambition – like my mother. I thrust that thought to the back of my mind as I argued it out with my Council.
Hephaestion stood against a wall of the room we were in high up in the citadel, staring out of the window, ignoring the argument carrying on in the room behind him. I looked at that still perfect profile framed by hair grown out longer over the months, bleached by the sun to give blonde streaks in the mass of auburn. He wore a loose Persian robe over his Greek chiton, his hands hidden in the voluminous sleeves until I saw him look down at the wedding ring I had put on his left hand, twisting it about absent mindedly. My heart lurched at the sight of him as I knew he didn't understand why I was marrying Roxanne – to save him. All he saw was yet another betrayal – by me.
"Enough gentlemen! The marriage will go ahead as planned. She will bring the Bactrian tribes to me and that will settle the region. Isn't that what you all want?"
"And what then, my King? Where do we go then?" Everyone turned to look at my Chiliarch who was still playing with the ring even as he said these words.
"We continue on till I say it's enough."
"Whatever the cost? However many lives it takes?"
"Do you too turn on me Hephaestion? My loyal Phai, siding with my enemies now?"
Finally he turned those beautiful eyes on me, tear filled and shimmering blue like the sea. "Never, my Alexander. I'm yours till death and I ask that of you in love." He moved away from the wall and knelt beside me. "Think on it, my king; you are Great King of Asia, more than your father ever dreamt of – further than Achilles. Your name will go down in history. Isn't that glory enough? Think of your son; if we do not consolidate and ensure that the empire stays intact."
I nodded to him and smiled, taking his left hand in mine.
"And there's always Arabia and Carthage." I mused and almost laughed when he rolled his eyes. "You understand the need for me to take a wife though, have a baby the normal way." Wrong thing to say: the sapphire orbs hardened instantly and he stood up, a sneer on his face as he shook his head and walked out of the room, closely followed by Cleitus and Nearchus.
Ptolemy looked at me and shook his head – as if I needed telling I had ballsed things up again.
The next day was the wedding and to my surprise Hephaestion stood as my best man – whatever arguments he would always support me. My bride was radiant, small and smelt so different to what I was used to; a sweet, almost cloying cleanness so different from the male body. Her maids took her to an apartment to prepare her for the wedding night.
I stayed to talk to Ptolemy, Perdiccas and Leonnatus until Phai walked in quietly and they left us alone. He said nothing, simply removed the ring from his finger and handed it to me.
"For your Queen." And turned to leave.
"Hephaestion! I don't love her but I need more children and I will not put you through any more. I'm so sorry for my wish; for the pain, for the loss of our son. Don't hate me for this."
"I don't. I understand more than you do. Our love has changed; now we go our separate ways: you to your wife, me to – well, to whomever I find." Then he left.
I placed the ring in a box beside my bed, knelt down and cried as I had never cried before.
My wedding night was a blur. I performed my function as a husband and my bride was enthusiastic beyond measure. But I didn't enjoy it; I was too broken hearted to be warmed by her body or her heart and she guessed something was not right. Perhaps the eunuchs had explained about Hephaestion but from that day on she hated him. This was ironic as he never hated her; never even recognised her presence most of the time except to be civil and acknowledge her as Queen, all politeness.
Exactly as my love was with me.
Hephaestion POV
A wife, he had finally done what Olympias wanted and married; to a woman so like his mother it was unnerving – and I doubt he saw it. I knew she hated me, saw it in her dark eyes every time we passed; even more I saw it when she looked at my son. Alexander said the marriage was purely to save me from anymore pregnancies and I don't doubt that was part of his reason. But I watched him as she danced, recognised the look in those deep eyes – lust. That it may have dissipated quickly was not my concern. Whom he took to his bed was his own private matter, no longer mine.
Gods, how I lied to myself! It was like a knife in my heart every time he looked at her or the eunuch; I felt sick to my stomach when he left the Council or dinner hall to go to one or the other when once he would have stayed with me. But that was over and I was as much to blame for it as Alexander. He was the King and needed heirs. Babes die so quickly you could never be sure if they would survive. And his father had been much worse than Alexander would ever be. Why I felt so empty was unknown to me except that Senji told me I was suffering from a post-birth melancholia; that the best way to end it was to get a new interest, try something different.
I took his advice straight after the wedding and tried a relationship with a woman; that lasted a whole week! I had no notion of what to say to her – the sex was fine, that I could manage, but it did not satisfy me for I was used to talking after and she had nothing to say. Perhaps I could have asked Thais to find me one of her ex- colleagues with more skills but that was so – professional; they would not be there for me. I had been spoilt - since 16 I had been making love to someone who loved me for who I was. Now I was Chiliarch and it was my rank and wealth they were interested in. I had lost Alexander to his duty, would I ever find a companion to at least ease the pain if not fill the gap?
It was the night of yet another banquet and Bagoas danced for the company. I sat alone and watched as the King gazed glazed eyed at the lithe body gyrating before him in erotic movements that could have aroused a statue, let alone a Macedonian King who was already his lover. After only half the dance I could take no more and left my couch quietly, apologising to Perdiccas with whom I was sharing, and hurriedly left the hall. Tears blinded me as I traversed hallway after hallway with no known destination until I brought up in front of a door I recognised and knocked, unsure if he had still been at the banquet or not. The door was opened by the man I had subconsciously sought and as soon as it closed behind me I found myself engulfed in strong arms holding me against a warm body. He was taller than I and I rested my tear ached head against his chest putting my arms about his waist and sighed. We stood there for what seemed ages, telling the other how we felt without words until I raised my head and looked into his dark brown eyes.
"Make love to me, Cleitus."
He made no argument but kissed me somewhat hesitantly until he realised I was kissing him back with fervour, he needed no more encouragement. If I had expected it to be similar to how Alexander loved me I was in for a shock, a pleasant one. Cleitus was a rough man on the outside but he loved me that night with just the right mixture of tenderness and dominance that had me whimpering for more; my body was new to him as his was to me and we took infinite pleasure in exploring the other. There wasn't the unity I had with Alexander, there never could be – this was the joining of two bodies, not two souls; friends, not lovers – yet. After I slept deeply in his arms and for once had no nightmares.
The next morning I didn't remember where I was until I realised the scent beside me was not Alexander. Opening my eyes I looked straight into his and smiled as I remembered the previous night, snuggling closer. I heard him sigh with relief at that.
"Did you think I would recoil from you, Black Cleitus?"
"In truth – yes. You've been so lonely these last weeks Hephaestion and now with his marriage – well, I did think you may have only been looking for a certain – release."
"I find that with women. I would never use you so."
I sat up a little and kissed him lingeringly. "I've always liked you. I can't promise you my love but I will never play you false."
"I'm grateful for what you've given me already Hephaestion and will take each day as it comes. Only a fool would not realise you love only Alexander…"
"He has my heart but there is enough room in there for you too."
He laughed out loud then and stroked my face. "Then with that I will be content, my lovely Hephaestion, whom I have loved for many years."
"I know."
We made love again more as frolicking youngsters than grown men which made the pleasure only that more intense. I left his room feeling more alive than I had done ever since my last pregnancy. Senji might very well be right, I thought. Our affair was discreet and hardly torrid – we had too much to do in readying the army for its next move.
However, before then something occurred that changed everything – another plot, this time perpetrated by the pages assigned to the king. More importantly they were all being educated by Callisthenes and he had filled their heads with ideals of Athens and the barbarian hordes of Asia – any king who seemingly preferred these creatures to true Greeks was no Greek but a tyrant or despot. They were young and impressionable and the old man used them with no consideration of what might happen to them.
What happened was trial and death, leaving a stunned King who had lavished so much love and care on them that their betrayal cut him like a knife. Alexander always loved whole heartedly and took proof that it was not returned in the surprised hurt almost of a child. It was what made him so lovable and kept the men, for the most part, loyal to him – he was their golden boy, their unbeatable king. The Pages, however, had only recently come from Macedon to replace the original boys who had become men and ready for positions in the army – these new boys had not campaigned with Alexander from the beginning and as a consequence did not care or know him well. Callisthenes took advantage of this and I despised him for it, for he hadn't the courage to act for himself.
Not even at the proskyensis debacle did he say anything against it. I had arranged a quiet, informal dinner, Macedonians only, and had spoken to each of the guests explaining what would occur. The king felt it unequal that the Persians bowed whereas no Macedonian did; however, he also realised (at my prompting) that the latter could not be expected to do the same unless it ended with the Kiss of Kindred – one bow, one kiss and you never did it again – simple. You think? They all agreed to it, Callisthenes included, but I didn't trust him and made a plan with Alexander that when it came to his turn I would distract the king with conversation so that if Callisthenes didn't bow we could ignore it – neither of them would lose face; Callisthenes would make his point and Alexander could dismiss it as never having happened.
Except all the best laid plans can run amok by the smallest thing. Callisthenes didn't bow but came forward for the kiss as I talked to Alexander; but another officer noticed and cried out so the King had to notice and refuse the kiss. Callisthenes got his moment and his chance to quip 'So I go without a kiss' that he would enjoy retelling to everyone, ad nauseum.
None of us expected him to initiate a plot though. What was worse they drugged Peritas, the king's favourite dog, so badly that only months later he died, much to Alexander's great sorrow. Strangely enough it was over Peritas' burial that Alexander and I came together once more as true friends, if not as lovers. That night we talked and talked; every feeling, every emotion, every bitter thought, every wrong and concern was told, discussed and finally understood. Nothing was held back. He admitted he had fallen in love with Roxanne but it was mainly to save me a further pregnancy. I confessed my growing attachment to Cleitus and that we were also lovers. Here his eyes flashed but we discussed it and he admitted in the end that I had the right to a life away from him now – and I had begun to look far better than I had done for almost half a year.
We discussed our next move and he told me he wanted to go into India – just a little way, not very far, just to see it and say he had been there.
"Oh, Alexander, you're incorrigible!"
"Don't you want to see it? Honestly, Phai?"
"Well, I'll confess it peeks my curiosity. But not too far in, Alexander – we don't have the men to garrison it permanently."
"I don't intend that. I would like to see if Aristotle was right about the Encircling Ocean – then we can build boats and sail all the way to Egypt - wouldn't you?"
"Perhaps. One step at a time, though. The Pages were not the only ones who think you might be expecting too much from the army."
"Well, we'll see. I'm sure the army will let me know when they've had enough."
"Yes, my King, I'm bloody sure of that!"
Alexander POV
We crossed into India and found so many things that no one had seen before. Small hairy people that turned out to be animals, called monkeys (they had attacked Craterus' men and he hated them, especially when Hephaestion pointed out they were not 'soldiers' at all, but an animal); strange, exotic flowers and herbs that I added to my medicine chest; snakes so venomous one bite would kill outright almost in an instant. And rain – gods how it rained!
Hephaestion took part of the army, with Perdiccas, to bridge the Indus and succeeded in a siege of his own – so much for those that said he had no tactical or strategic abilities of note. Our relationship was calmer, almost back to the way it had been. We understood each other better but, and I would never confess it to him, I missed him physically – it was a constant, dull ache inside me whenever I saw him, especially when he was close to Cleitus. They never publicised their affair and were always careful around me. Cleitus had given my Phai some degree of ease and stability, even happiness, which he could not find with a King. I understood it but hated it and knew that was why I sent Perdiccas with him to the Indus instead of Cleitus – petty, spiteful but it made me feel a whole lot better.
The reasons for our rupture were still with me – Bagoas was proving himself more than a dancer or body servant but also an exceptional diplomat, even in India. Roxanne, on the other hand, though devoted to me, made it absolutely clear she hated India, hated my friends and hated Hephaestion above all else. She also hated Achillaeus, even more so when she miscarried of our child as we travelled into India. Ironically Hephaestion was more sympathetic of her plight than I was but I saw that this loss of her own child only made her hatred of my son with her greatest rival even stronger.
And India produced the best opponent I ever came across in the shape of King Porus – our battle near the River Hydaspes showed my army at its best – its courage, its discipline, its trust in me and my chosen commanders especially as we fought elephants – creatures that struck terror in both man and horse but which they overcame to conquer. At the conclusion Porus surrendered and offered fealty to me - I couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending; it was what I had hoped for when I met Darius but I had to travel 10,000 miles to finally meet the man worthy of such glory.
Then everything seemed to go wrong. I thought the men were tired but still eager to see the Encircling Ocean; I ignored the swelling undercurrent of dissatisfaction despite Hephaestion's advice to the contrary. I almost lost him too, in such a stupid manner that I still shudder at it.
I was not blind to Craterus' ambition. I knew he wanted command of the Companions after the deaths of Philotas and Parmenion; I knew he was livid that I gave it to Hephaestion and Cleitus. But, as I explained to him somewhat tersely, he was no cavalry commander but an infantry one and that was where I needed him.
Ever since my wedding with Roxanne, the Staff was aware of my deteriorating relationship with Phai, though I made it absolutely clear to them he was still my second-in command whether we shared a bed or not – in fact it showed them finally that had never been the reason for his promotions. Craterus, from then on, set out on a none too subtle campaign of attrition against the Chiliarch; small things he said, twisted by Craterus, to mean something else. His love with Cleitus branded as a possible coup de etat to place his son on my throne. Hephaestion's polite dismissal of the woman who was my queen and his ability to work with 'barbarians' were all made out by Craterus to be sinister. He even had the gall to suggest that Phai deliberately set up Callisthenes over the proskynesis experiment. All of this I listened to, though perhaps I should not have, and treated it with silent contempt – my Phai was loyal and would never do anything to hurt me. However, my silence acted as encouragement to Craterus and it all culminated in a public brawl that got totally out of hand.
I had been out with the scouts and Cleitus, checking over the next route and returned to a camp seething with tension and about to erupt in a blood bath. At the centre of it all were Hephaestion and Craterus, swords drawn against each other, their men about to do the same.
I rode my horse into their midst at a gallop forcing him up onto his hind legs in a show of pure animal terror – Bucephalus was still good at that – before leaping off and pushing between my two warring generals who had not lowered their weapons.
"Sheath gentlemen, now! What in Hades do you think you're doing? I expect better than this from my senior staff; I expected better from you Hephaestion!"
"Alexander, he was accusing me…"
"Enough! Whatever the provocation I don't expect you to act so foolishly, especially in front of the men!"
He jerked his head round to me and looked at me with shock registering in those blue depths whilst Craterus tried hard to stop a smug smile appearing on his face. Calling him a fool was nearly the last straw for our fragile love and I realised my words had cut him to the quick.
"I didn't make you Chiliarch to act this way. Not to risk all that I have. Put yourself in my place, Hephaestion – see what I see before me and know you would be nothing without me as I would be nothing without you if you die." As I said these last words I had stepped as close to him as I could and placed one hand on his cheek whilst the other pushed back mussed hair – a clear, physical sign of my love for him, for Hephaestion and the rest of the army to see.
"How long do you think I could live without you, Phai?" I asked quietly.
"As long as I without you, Alexander."
I nodded and we stood looking into each other's souls till the silence about us was palpable. Turning my head I looked Craterus up and down with growing fury.
"You may return to your tent – I will speak with you in a moment."
It was as close to a slap in the face as I could give him in public and he knew it.
"The rest of you men – get back to your duties, now!"
Taking Hephaestion by the arm I walked him to his tent as Cleitus watched us go, worry clearly etched on his features. Inside I sat down opposite my Chiliarch and asked him what had caused such uncharacteristic behaviour.
"Damon has died, snake bite." He told me. "I was upset and Craterus started in on me, suggesting I was working against you by making you carry on here in India when the men didn't want to go on."
"Hephaestion that's nonsense! I would never believe anything he said. I trust you completely: always have and always will. Nothing anyone could say to me will ever change that."
"I'm sorry for what I did, Alexander. It jeopardised the command."
"Well, I'm sure you won't let it happen again." I kissed him swiftly on the lips and left, heading for Craterus' tent; passing Cleitus I indicated he should go to Hephaestion which he did immediately. Swallowing the pain that caused, that my Phai would be comforted by another, I pushed into Craterus' tent and gave him a solid peace of my mind.
"I know you, Craterus. I know your ambition. You worked hard against Philotas and there you were right – he was traitorous. But you play against the wrong man in making such accusations against Hephaestion. You see I know him as I know myself. Understand that Craterus – Hephaestion is Alexander and Alexander is Hephaestion. Nothing you can do or say will ever change that. If you can't work with him I'll keep you apart – but stop this arguing!"
I had one last thing to do to end this foolish rivalry. Calling the army together, with both protagonists on either side of me, I made it quite clear I would not tolerate such behaviour amongst any officers or my men, from anyone.
"If either of you start an argument like this again, whichever one of you it is, I will have that man put to death! This is an army, gentlemen: I will have discipline whatever the cost to me personally."
Both nodded, saluted and I dismissed the army, angry, furious and still seeing in my minds eye Craterus' sword plunging deep into my lover's body.
A week later Bucephalus died of old age. The whole army came to pay their last respects and I stood with Hephaestion, hands clasped, as we said goodbye to the second dearest thing in my life beside my son. He had borne me through all my battles, taking wounds, but never to his pride and had died peacefully – I could only pray for the same.
It was, then, with profound shock only a few weeks later that I found myself in the midst of a mutiny. Well, not really a mutiny – they weren't trying to kill or replace me; they were doing what I said they would do to Hephaestion letting me know they had gone far enough.
I cajoled, they ranted; I sulked, they sulked back; I gave in, they relented and cheered me though inside I was rocked to the core at their lack of understanding of what I wanted to achieve for them and for the world.
"They want to go home, Alexander," Ptolemy said stating the obvious as usual. "to see their families and spend their wealth before they get too old."
What did my Hephaestion say?
"I told you they'd let you bloody well know when you'd gone too far, didn't I?" Then he grinned and pointed to Achillaeus who was trying on my helmet and though it fell over his eyes still walking about the tent giving a short version of my speech to the men asking them to carry on – until he collided with a tent pole and fell over. We didn't laugh until he picked himself up saying a heartfelt 'Zeus' balls!' at which we howled so much the guards thought we were murdering each other.
"He's been spending too much time with Cleitus." I finally said through tears of mirth.
"It's not Cleitus alone – there are 60,000 men out there who all swear like – troopers. Ouch! Achillaeus take the bloody helmet off before you jump on me!"
"Sorry, mother."
Phai growled at that – we never had come up with another title that Achillaeus could use as effectively; I smiled more at that than anything for a long time. Those few hours that day were so comforting to me and made it clear to me what I had lost.
As the army turned about to leave India, not the way we came, but south to the Persian Gulf where Nearchus would take a fleet back to Babylon whilst we supplied them from villages along the way, I made up my mind that I would succeed in one thing if it killed me – I would get Hephaestion back.