Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
X
Tara has been feeling downright awful since she's found out about the latest rumors, but since then her mood, and the general atmosphere surrounding her, has somewhat improved, mostly thanks to Jax who's accompanied her home, and some of her friends, who've all come over after she'd gotten off of work earlier this afternoon, with the goal of distracting and cheering her up.
She had barely gotten any sleep last night. She'd tossed and turned repeatedly. For one, because she'd found herself alone in her home again with her father still out of town, and two, because she hadn't been able to stop thinking and worrying about her fight with Emma, and her feelings towards Jax and what to do about them.
So naturally, after her sleepless night and after having been on her feet for a long and draining eight hour shift at the diner, along with the emotional stress about these latest rumors she'd just heard about, she has expected to be dead tired, but as she looks around the smiling and laughing faces of her friends surrounding her on the front porch of her home right now, she's feeling wide awake instead. She's still tormented on what to make of everything, but for the time being, her friends have succeeded in their quest and she's feeling more relaxed than she has in days.
She can't even really fathom how she's gotten from there to here, from that anxiety laden ugly place where she was feeling hurt, embarrassed and pissed off to now, smiling with her friends in spite of it all. All she knows is that the old saying might just be true, laughter is in fact the best medicine, and they've been doing that a lot over the last couple of hours.
Her friends doing everything they could think of to get her to laugh along with them, and even though she mostly just smiled, it was definite progress from the tears that she'd truly wanted to shed earlier. So she's welcomed the temporary distraction with open arms for the time being.
After she's gotten off work, they've all just lounged around her living room, music videos had been playing nonstop on MTV in the background, and they had raided Tara's kitchen pantry for anything edible, before devouring the pizzas and breadsticks they'd finally ordered from Giovanni's after everyone pitched in a couple of bucks.
But now it is late enough that it is already dark outside when they all decided to head outside, after Tara's dad finally made it home from his out of town trip.
James Knowles doesn't mind at all that Tara has friend's over at the house, in fact he often mentioned that he preferred it that way, since this way he knew exactly where his daughter was and with whom.
Which meant he didn't have a problem with the group of teenagers to stay a little longer, he did however excuse himself to head to bed after his long days of meetings and travel, and Tara did take that as a silent cue that it was probably best to start calling it a night as well.
So here they stand now in front of her home, scattered around her driveway, and despite the late hour, and the slight breeze, it's still warm, almost hot even.
Rayna can't help herself when she catches a glimpse of Tara's dad through the blinds as he goes about the house to turn some of the lights off. She turns towards Tara with a cheeky smirk and winks when she says. "You know, for an old dude, your dad is a total hottie."
"Not that again."Tara groans in reply and rolls her eyes as the rest of them smile and even laugh out loud at Rayna's comment, while even Cassidy turns her head back towards the house to see what caused Rayna's outburst of forbidden admiration.
"I'm serious." Rayna glances back at the house once more herself, but by now Tara's dad is already out of sight again, when she adds, "I'd totally do him." Before she slowly takes another drag from her cigarette, barely able to contain the laugh from spilling out of her at the look of horror that crosses Tara's face.
Tara feigns to stick her finger down her throat, making an exaggerated gagging noise. "Gross, Ray, thanks a lot for that image ... I think I just threw up in mouth a little."
Tara, along with everyone else, figures that Rayna's just trying to be funny for her benefit, yet she's also well aware of the little crush Rayna's developed for her father since they became friends in seventh grade.
And let's face it, Rayna's not the only one, more than once have friends commented on the fact that James Knowles is handsome or 'a cutie', much to Tara's displeasure, because there's nothing more awkward than having to listen to your girlfriends gushing about your old man.
"I wouldn't because he's your dad." Rayna grins. "Obviously." She adds for good measure.
Still, right now even Tara can't help but smile as the rest of her friends let out yet another laugh at their exchange. If there's one thing she's used to by now, it's Rayna's rather crass way of speaking her mind when she's feeling comfortable with the people around her, which clearly she must be feeling now, considering what she'd just said.
Tino and Jax, to Tara's relief, change the subject when they start to talk about all the upcoming parties happening over the next couple of weeks. There seems to be something going on almost every other night, although a few parties are as far away as Stockton.
The conversation continues, as everyone talks about which party might be worth going to and which ones not so much, and should be avoided. Who's planning to go? When and with whom? And who could possibly drive? But at the end, nothing's written in stone just yet, and they'd all agree to talk about it more later in the week, even though Tara's already decided for herself that she's going to avoid the party scene for the next couple of weeks, not wanting to be the center of unwanted attention.
Not too long after that, her friends start to take off. Rayna catches a ride with Tino, then Joe and Cassidy take off right after them, and before Tara knows it, she finds herself sitting on the concrete step to her small front porch right beside Jax, who's just lit up yet another cigarette and is making no indication that he's planning on leaving soon himself.
They sit quietly for a moment, watching the red taillights disappear down the road and out of sight, while the only sound around them seems to be the never-ending noise coming from the crickets and the cicadas somewhere nearby.
The silence, it isn't awkward or uncomfortable by any means, it's soothing really, because even though she finds herself alone with him again, just his presence alone still seems to be enough of a distraction to keep her mind off of everything that has happened over the last couple of days.
He gives her that feeling of butterflies-in-your-stomach, but under the current circumstance she's starting to like it, appreciates it even, because it's a distraction to everything else, and she's silently grateful that the mere proximity of him can do that for her.
Naturally, she is starting to come to terms with the fact that she can no longer deny the way she's starting to see Jax, the way she's already feeling towards him. The way her heartbeat quickens a little just because he's sitting a little close to her as he is right now. Or the way her skin prickles and tingles, leaving goosebumps behind, every time he touches her, and he seems to do that a lot.
She's noticed that Jackson Teller is very touchy-feely, at least he seems to be with her. Small little touches here and there, a hand on her lower back, a arm draped casually around her shoulder, or even the completely innocent way he seems to sit closer than necessary so that his bare arm continuously brushes against hers, like right now while they're sitting here side by side.
She knows she's got it bad for him, there's no denying it any longer, but - yeah, there's always a but - she's still unsure whether or not she should act on those feelings or not. Whether or not she really believes what Opie had said. 'Jax. He likes you.'
Wouldn't trying to navigate a new relationship with Jax complicate her life even more right now? Wouldn't it turn everything even more upside down for her, especially considering these new rumors?
She's still struggling with falling victim to a mad man in her own home ... and because of it, she's not thinking straight. She's already struggling to keep her shit together, so it seems downright crazy to willingly add yet another thing to handle on top of it all. Doesn't it?
Jax went from being the hot and somewhat mysterious bad boy that turned the head of almost every girl she knew, to being so much more to her now. He's somehow become a friend, a true friend she can talk to about the shit that has happened to her, someone to confide in, even a shoulder to cry on, ... and if she's being honest, she's also suddenly scared about losing that friendship with him. Because it turns out, true friends are harder to come by these days.
"Your friends ain't too bad." Jax's suddenly interrupting the silence between them when he speaks up, jostling her out of her own thoughts, and she glances over at him stunt for just a moment, questioning herself and wondering if she might've uttered that last thought out loud by accident. "Rayna and Tino are a little out there, but they ain't bad." He adds, nodding his head in some sort of approval.
"Yeah." Tara nods her head in agreement and smiles, staring down at her own hands, absentmindedly picking the nail polish off of her nails. "They're all pretty cool."
Another silent pause, and Jax exhales a cloud of smoke away from her, but the summer breeze carries it back towards them and he curses and mumbles an apology under his breath, waving his hand around to clear the air surrounding them. Tara can't help but smile a little because of it, even though his sudden movement is disturbing the quiet and comfortable solitude they've found themselves in while sitting here alone.
But when he clears his throat audibly just a moment later, she doesn't realize that it isn't because of the cloud of smoke, but because he's decided to bring up the subject they've purposely avoided all night, until he speaks.
"Look, about those rumors ..." He suddenly starts, pausing while he's looking over at her to catch her turning her head to meet his eyes, his eyebrows raised in question as he's stubbing the finished cigarette out against the concrete beside his sneaker without looking down. "Any idea who started that shit?" He didn't miss the way she just cringed slightly when he brings up this unwelcome topic.
He's well aware that he probably could've asked Tara's friends himself, but nobody else had said a word about that shit all afternoon or evening, he presumed to keep the mood light. So he too, held his tongue for as long as he could, not wanting to be the one to bring it up first, at least not in front of everyone in case it would make Tara feel uncomfortable, which by the look on her face it clearly still does.
Tara swallows hard, her eyes downcast to avoid his gaze again now as she's contemplating for a moment on how to answer that. She's wondering if she should share her suspicions of Emma with him or not. But she knows that if she does, it will only lead to more follow up questions from him, and that would open a whole other can of worms in itself.
About her and Emma. About him and Emma ... and so on, and so forth. Yeah, she won't go there tonight ... she just can't!
"I'm not really sure." She finally finds her voice and looks over at him again, to meet his gaze that's been focused on her this whole time in wait of the answer to his question.
It isn't exactly a lie, since she has no actual proof that Emma is in fact the one. At least that's what Tara tries to tell herself when she sees the doubtful expression that flickers through Jax's eyes at her noncommittal answer. It's almost scary to think how well he seems to be able to read her after the short amount of time they've spend with each other. If he truly can read her that easily, then ... well, then she's in much more trouble than she'd thought!
Tara shakes those thoughts away and ponders about his question again. She could, maybe even should, tell him since this concerns him, too, but she decides not to, because even though everything seems to point to Emma as the culprit, if Tara's learned one thing out of these rumors that were spread, it is the fact that not everything is always as it seems.
Maybe she's being stupid to protect Emma, maybe it's just wishful thinking on her part that she's still clinging to that hope that Emma wouldn't do that to her. All she knows is that she's not ready to throw her best friend under the bus just yet, at least not until she has had a chance to confront her herself.
Tara simply refuses to be a hypocrite and start rumors herself, without knowing all of the facts, no matter how much she's hurting at the moment because of it.
"Okay." Jax replies nodding after a long moment, as if he's finally giving up on the hope that she'll let him in and speak her mind freely on the subject. But then he adds. "I just want you to know that I'll let everyone know that it's all just a bunch of bull, alright? And Ope will, too. Don't worry, babe, it'll blow over before you know it."
Tara just nods, a small smile tugging the corners of her lips up in appreciation at his attempt to console her, even though she doubts that it will really blow over as easy as Jax thinks it will, at least for her. These kinds of rumors seem to stick to girls for much, much longer than their male counterparts.
As if he had just heard her thoughts out loud again, he adds. "You know, there's always some stories making the rounds about me ... whether it's about my family, Sam Crow, or some girl I supposedly hooked up with ... " Tara holds his gaze, but doesn't comment, just watches on waiting for him to continue, considering in this scenario she's the girl he's 'supposedly hooked up with'.
But Jax takes his sweet time to continue, raising another cigarette to his lips, taking a few quick drags as he lights it while shielding the flame from the wind by cupping his hand around it. "There'll always be some asshole wanting to stir shit up, ... best way to deal is to let that shit roll off your back. Don't let 'em get to you."
"That's easy for you to say ..." Tara scoffs quietly in reply, shaking her head to wordlessly dismiss Jax's offer of a cigarette to her after he must've noticed her starting for a little too long at the one hanging from his lips. If it wasn't for the current conversation, she'd be blushing right now. "... you're a guy, but it's different for girls." She adds.
"How so?" Jax quirks an eyebrow at her at her words, or rather the unspoken meaning behind them, the cigarette on the way to his lips again.
Tara looks at him disbelievingly. Does he really need her to spell it out for him? Isn't it obvious?
She lets out a exasperated sigh, before she begins to answer. "You saw what happened at Hanna's, how everyone looked at us. They looked at me like prey, something to toy with, like I'm ... easy or something, while you got admirable looks. I mean, Jesus, I ... I was just waiting for someone to actually clap you on the back or congratulate you with a handshake or some shit, ... you know, for scoring with me."
Despite the sore subject, they both can't help but smirk at her last remark, even if the amusement only last for a split-second.
Because at the same time he heard how upset it all makes her just by the sound of her voice, so he drapes his arm around her shoulders, trying his best to comfort her. The girl's got a valid point. There is undoubtedly a double standard. "Look, I get it, Knowles, and I guess you're right, it's not the same. But still, no amount of worrying will change a goddamn thing about it. It is what it is."
She glances over at him now, eyeing him wearily for a moment before she can't help but nod in agreement when she ruefully admits. "I know worrying doesn't help it, but it's hard to shut it off ... for me." She lets out a heavy sigh, before she fidgets once more with her fingers, picking at her nail polish again, while she's clearly trying to gather the courage and the right words to continue.
"What?" Jax prompts her to elaborate. But when Tara stays quiet, he waves his hands around them, gesturing to the eerily quiet neighborhood. It's late on a weeknight, so it's not surprising that most of the houses around them have been dark since they stepped out here, and that there hasn't been a single soul in sight, which he quickly points out as well. "It's just the two of us here now, ... you can talk to me."
He playfully nudges her shoulder and smiles down at her, trying to lighten the mood again. "I'm still cheaper than a shrink, remember?"
Tara lets out a little humorless chuckle at his last words, once more reveling in the friendship that has formed so quickly between them, before she gets the courage to admit. "I ... I don't trust people easily, Jax. And I know that probably sounds like bullshit, considering how I spilled my guts to you after barely knowing you, but I swear I'm not usually like that."
She brushes her hair back behind her ears, glancing over at him once more to meet his eyes, but the thoughtful look he's giving her feels like too much, and way too intimate, and so she finds herself focusing her gaze back on her fidgeting hands instead. "I use ... I use facts and evidence to build a case for or against someone, like ... like keeping an internal pros-and-cons list, you know? I can't help it. I can't change it, and honestly, I'm not sure that I would want to, even if I could, because that's my ... my armor, it's the only way I've learned to protect myself. So, me worrying about it, that's all part of that, ... that's my coping mechanism. It's my way of trying to figure out what is what, who I can trust, and how to maneuver around the people that I don't trust, and I guess, ... how to keep them from getting too close."
Jax nods to tell her that he gets it, but he can't help but wonder out loud. "Isn't that tiring though? I mean, aren't you getting tired of always worrying about other people, always trying to keep yourself in check like that?" Yet even as he questions her, he can feel the hypocrisy of his statement burrowing down into his own chest, because he finds himself doing the very same thing more times than he would ever dare to admit. Look at me mastering the art of deflection!
"Sure." Tara replies without even having to think about it. Of course she's tired. "It's exhausting." She admits out loud.
"I bet." Jax says, because he knows firsthand that it is.
"But it's even more than that lately." Tara finds the strength to further explain. "Ever since the break-in, it feels like ... I just feel different or something. I'm confused, more cautious in some ways, and not really feeling like myself and ... well, it's messing with my head even more than usually. And I hate it!" I hate it so much!
At first Jax isn't sure how to react to that. There are no words that come to mind, and a sudden quiet moment settles between them again as neither of them speaks for a little while, letting Tara's revelation truly sink in.
But then he finds himself looking her over with unabashed scrutiny for much too long. The look he's giving her is inadvertently making Tara want to squirm away from him, but with his arm still draped over her shoulder holding her close, she simply asks instead. "What?"
"You wanna know what I think? ... I think that everything you're feeling, is perfectly normal. I also think that you're being way too hard on yourself. You gotta cut yourself some slack. Stop worrying so much about things you had no control over, have no control over, things you can't change, and just let loose a little." He says, sounding more like a twenty-six year old man than a sixteen year old boy. He's looking over at her all mature, and downright philosophical.
When Tara looks away as she's trying to let his words sink in, he reaches over, tipping her chin up with his hand, forcing her to meet his eyes again, and she can feel those damn butterflies beginning to do somersaults in her stomach at his gentle touch. "Trust me, babe, the only thing wrong with you, is that you think there's something wrong with you."
She holds his gaze for a long silent moment, utterly captivated by the sincerity she can see in his blue eyes, when Jax's hand suddenly moves from her chin to gently cup her cheek instead. Right before he leans in closer to kiss her.
X
The next afternoon
Emma had called Hanna's diner right after Tara had gotten there bright and early this morning, to ask if it would be okay if she stopped by later on, so they could talk. Needless to say, Tara readily agreed, vowing to hold off on her break until then.
But as the minutes seem to tick away in slow motion, Tara wondered why she didn't feel more relieved that her former best friend had finally reached out to her after days of giving her the silent treatment. She had felt more nervous than she'd like to admit, but not relieved at all, ... and she didn't like it one bit.
But still, every time the door opened and the little bell above it chimed throughout the place to announce someone's arrival, Tara's eyes would instantly snap to the front door more quickly than usually to see if it was Em. She was anxious for Emma to show her face, but she was mostly anxious to finally get this over with, and maybe, hopefully, even find out the truth in the process, however ugly it might be.
So here she stood now in the back alley behind the diner, face to face with her gorgeous blond friend, arms crossed in front of her, mimicking each other's awkward stance to a T, the way only friends could.
They stare at each other with tears shimmering in both their eyes, threatening to fall yet again at any moment, a painful expression showing openly on their faces, unable to conceal their heartbreak any longer as they're pondering over everything they've just said and shared with one another.
Emma was not the one who'd spread the rumors about Tara, Jax and Opie. Tara knew that now.
She did however admit to have cried and poured her heart out to some of their other 'friends' on the cheer-team about what she'd stumbled in on at Tara's place that morning, which she believes had ultimately led to the rumors being started. And she had not only apologized for that profusely, but vowed that she'd set the record straight, back Tara's, Jax's and Opie's claim that nothing had happened, and tell everyone that the rumors simply weren't true.
In turn, she finally gave Tara the chance to explain her side of the story. From her time spend with Jax in the woods at the party in Lodi, to him spending the night with her, up to their awkward encounter the morning after.
She reassured Emma that nothing had actually happened between Jax and her. That he'd simply been a friend to her, a good friend, and a shoulder to cry on, but nothing more. And Emma finally believed her.
She didn't mention the almost kiss though, she just can't, not now ... and besides almost doesn't count! At least that how Tara justifies leaving out that part of the truths she's shared today.
Kiss or no kiss, the whole truth or not, the damage to their friendship was already done.
Even after their confessions and explanations, they both realized things weren't the same anymore. Something has shifted between them, something has broken, and they both know it. And if they were both being honest with each other, they knew that it wasn't even so much about the whole Jax drama, but this has been a long time coming, and this latest fight had simply been the last straw, so to speak.
It felt weird and sad, and very much like a break up of sorts, standing here, speechless, waiting for the other to speak first.
"Okay then -" Emma starts, but stops when her voice broke on the words, sighing deeply and fanning her face to avoid crying again, before she finally tries to speak once more after a few deep breaths. "Maybe ... I'll see you around, you know."
"Yeah, okay." Tara concedes, holding back her own tears. "Maybe." She manages to choke out in reply. They would obviously run into each other somewhere sooner or later, and they both knew it.
And then it was over, just like that.
Tara watches as her former best friend gives her one last awkward wave over her shoulder and then walks down the alley away from her, obviously to avoid any awkward glances she'd surely receive due to her tear streaked face if she'd walk back through the diner itself.
When Emma is finally out of sight, Tara takes a few deep cleansing breaths herself, uses the apron of her uniform to wipe at her face, drying up her tears that have spilled after all, before she straightens her spine, musters up the last bit of strength she's got left, and at last returns back to work to finish up the rest of her shift. Like her heart hadn't just cracked a little.
X
One week later
Jax has done countless oil changes since he started working here at T-M a little over a year ago, so much so that he could probably do them by now with his eyes closed. He's simply going through the motions, his hands working away as if on autopilot. So it's no surprise that his mind is elsewhere the entire time he's been tasked to do one oil change after another today.
All he can think about is Tara. Tara. Tara. Tara.
And what he could've done wrong that would have her trying to avoid him. The more he thinks about it, thinks about her, the more it is beginning to drive him insane.
Was she avoiding him because he had almost kissed her a week ago? If she hadn't pulled away from him at the last second, his lips would've been firmly planted on hers, that's for damn sure.
By her reaction that night, she'd clearly not been ready for that kiss, and Jax had chalked up her rejection to simply bad timing on his part, nothing more. She wasn't ready yet, but that's okay with him, because he would wait until she is. Simple as that.
But now he wondered if there was more to it than that. Why was it that she was completely trying to avoid one on one time with him?
He simply didn't know if it was all about that almost kiss, or if it was about something else entirely, mostly because he didn't know how she actually felt about him. And the not knowing was seriously beginning to mess with his head.
He hadn't been seeking her out every day, but every time that he had, every time he'd shown his face at the diner or at her house over the last week to see her, she'd come up with some kind of excuse why she couldn't be spending time with him.
She was tired. She wasn't feeling well. She had to babysit a neighbors kid. Her dad wanted her to spend some time at home with him for once.
It was ridiculous, really, but what was beginning to be even more ridiculous was the way he still kept showing up, time after time, like some kind of idiot who didn't get the blaringly obvious message the previous rejection around.
Some might argue that his continued pursuit of her was more about his bruised ego than actually wanting to be with her, but Jax knew for a fact that that wasn't the case at all. He wanted Tara, in any way, shape or form, plain and simple, and now that he was sure of his feelings, he wasn't going to give up that easily.
And besides, it wasn't like he'd never been rejected by a girl before. Turns out that despite his charm and good looks, it has happened on occasion. A bad-boy with his obvious connections to Sam Crow was apparently not everyone's type. Some chicks simply weren't into all that. Who knew? But hey, no harm, no foul.
But this thing with Tara was a different story. It fucking stung, mostly because he didn't understand it, and he hadn't seen it coming ... at all. He'd been under the impression they were getting closer, they were building towards being more than just friends, but apparently he must've been fucking reading the signs all wrong.
And to make matters worse, she had still shown up the three times they'd all made plans as a group. With his friends, and her friends, Tara was game. As long as it wasn't just him and her hanging out alone, she was apparently all in! And to add salt to the wound, she was fucking perfection when she'd shown up. She was all smiles, nice and sweet, dressed to turn heads, funny and acting perfectly normal ... around him, around them, around everyone, really. Like everything was normal between them, like she hadn't repeatedly shot him down this week without a real and legit explanation, and had barely been able to look him in the eye when she crushed his heart!
Opie, ever the helpful friend, had of course chimed in with a theory of his own. He'd said that her behavior wasn't really about him, but more about the rumors she was still trying to live down. And yeah, he could see how she might be thinking along those lines. Being seen alone with him would undoubtedly fuel that shit like kerosene to fire, so it could make sense that she was trying to avoid that.
But if that was in fact the case, why wouldn't she just say that to him? Why make up bullshit excuses, instead of simply telling him that she wants to keep some distance for a while, until those rumors die down some more?
But she hadn't said any of those things. Nope, she'd just turned him down cold!
With that last thought still roaming through his mind, Jax shoves the greasy rag he had just wiped his hands with back into his back pocket, before he closes the hood of the car he'd been working on with much more force than was necessary. The evil eye his mother sends his way lets him know that she doesn't approve at all, not his abuse of a paying customer's car, nor his attitude. Too bad, mom!
He lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes that he's finally done for the day, and begins gathering his tools to put away.
"Time to get the fuck out of here." He mumbles to Opie under his breath, giving his mother a wide berth to avoid another 'pep talk', before he hurriedly leaves the lot shortly after.
X
Later that day
It's not even dark out yet when Tara's friend Joe pulls his car onto the field across street from the house to park. Joe and Cassidy have talked her into this, into coming here, convincing her that she needed to show her face again sooner or later. That she couldn't spend the rest of the summer like some hermit, avoiding all the parties they'd all looked forward to during the school year.
But now, as she lets her eyes take in the scene around them, and as she watches people park and pile into the house, with the music already blaring obnoxiously loud, she can't help but wonder for a moment if coming here tonight is a mistake after all. A shiver of anxiety runs through her as her thoughts begin to stray to the obvious. Would someone bring up the rumors to her here? Would she get hit on by some creep for the wrong reasons, because they thought she was easy?
Pushing those thoughts back as far as she can, she quietly follows behind Joe and Cassidy toward the house, working their way through the parked cars. The house belongs to the parents of a friend of a friend of a friend of Joe's, or something like that, and the sheer size of it is downright ridiculous. Who has the kind of money, to build a home of these proportions, and out in the middle of nowhere of all places, Tara wonders to herself as she takes it all in.
"You okay?" Cassidy asks looking back at her over her shoulder as they take the steps up onto the front porch.
"Yeah, sure." Tara replies, trying her best to sound genuine, as they step through the wide open front door and she follows her friends further into the already much too crowded home. This is crazy, there must be at least a hundred people here already.
Rap music is blaring through the speakers in every room she passes through. Red solo cups are already scattered everywhere as well, and before she knows it, she's already lost sight of both Joe and Cassidy in the crowd.
But undeterred, Tara ventures on alone, and ends up finding three, yes three, big kegs set up in the middle of the kitchen, along with alcohol bottles of the more hardcore variety filling the corner of the kitchen counter as well.
She shakes her head as she takes it all in, even though her mind isn't truly here right now. It's on Jax, and the fact that he hasn't come to see her today after he got off work. She hates knowing that she has no one other but herself to blame for that. Isn't that what you wanted? For him to finally back off? The voice inside her head questions her resolve to let him go.
A week ago Jax had almost kissed her. She had almost allowed him to kiss her, but at the very last second, she'd come to her senses and pulled away. She had to stop it, she knows she just had to, she was not in the right head space at all to allow herself to go there.
And the moments that followed had been awkward and embarrassing for her, but Jax was sweet and understanding, and tried his best to not show his disappointment, or make her feel bad when she said it was getting late, and she should probably head inside to get some sleep.
And of course fate would have it that just the very next day, Emma would reach out to her to talk. So they had talked, they had cried, and they had simply called it a truce, when they both realized that their relationship would never be the same again from here on out.
It was that same day though, that Tara realized that she couldn't let this thing with Jax develop into more than friendship. With the rumors still fresh on everyone's tongue and mind, along with the rift between Emma and herself beyond repair, she simply knew something needed to change. Everything was getting to her, and maybe she needed to change.
Tara had feelings for Jax, strong feeling, but being around him, or even entertaining the idea of being with him, wanting him the way she wanted him, it was stirring up too much guilt in her. This guilt, combined with everything else she was going through, was just too much. She simply wasn't sure where she'd find the strength to handle it all, so something had to give.
So she did what she thought was right. She made up excuse after excuse to not find herself in yet another situation that could possibly end up with his lips on hers, or vice versa. She kept telling herself that it was the right thing to do. That she wasn't in the right mind frame to allow herself to be with him, but deep down she couldn't help but hate herself for it.
Most of all, she hated to be the cause for the confused and hurt expression she'd seen in Jax's eyes after she'd rejected his plans to hang out time and again. He'd been nothing but good to her, he didn't deserve any of this, and it made her feel like such a bitch ... ugh!
Even though Tara would like nothing more than to drown out her recurring thoughts of Jax, she still finds herself hesitating for a long contemplating moment in the doorway of the kitchen, while her eyes roam over the various alcoholic options that are available to her tonight.
But at last she gives in, the alcohol beckoning her, and before long she's roaming mindlessly around the house, trying to find her friends again, with a full red cup in hand that has already been filled for the second time with cheap keg beer. Aren't I a chip off of the old block? Daddy Knowles would not approve.
"Hey, Tara?" A vaguely familiar voice booms above the music and she turns her head mid sip from her cup, trying to find the owner of the voice, when at last her eyes land on Tyler, who is fighting his way through the crowd towards her.
Tyler Mason, a fellow Junior of Charming High, greets her with a genuinely friendly smile and a one-armed hug, since he, too, is holding a drink of his own, before he tries his best to strike up a conversation over the loud music around them.
Tara knows Tyler from school, and remembers that he's never been anything but nice to her in the past. Truthfully, she's glad to have run into a friendly face here, and for the first time since she's gotten here, she can practically feel herself relaxing a little because of him.
She's not looking to start anything with anyone tonight. That isn't why she's here at all. But maybe spending some time with Tyler is just the sort of distraction she needs to get through this party without her mind going back to the break-in, the rumors, and Jax, all night long.
The irony is not lost on her though, when it is in fact Jax's voice that she hears, telling her to not be so hard on herself, and to 'just let loose a little'. Hell, it's worth a shot!
X
Later that night
Freshly showered, changed into clean clothes, he finds himself riding shotgun with Ope on his way out of Charming. His hair still a little damp and slicked back, his cigarette hanging from his lips, and his mind - of course - back on Tara the entire length of the ride. He truly wishes he could stop obsessing about her, but he just ... he can't!
For the sake of his pride though, he hadn't gone to see her today after he'd gotten off work. He hadn't stopped at the diner. Hadn't stopped at her house. Hadn't even tried to call her either.
But now, as he patiently waits for Opie to park the truck on the open grassy field across from the house where the party is being held tonight, he's starting to second guess himself.
"You need to cut that shit out, bro." Opie cuts into Jax's thoughts in the same instant he finally cuts the engine. "At least while we're at this goddamn party tonight."
"Cut what out?" Jax replies, jumping out of the truck without taking his gaze off of his friend.
"The moping, the daydreaming, the second guessing, ... take your pick." Opie answers him as he rounds the front of his father's truck and falls in step alongside Jax, before he adds. "You did the right thing by giving her some breathing room. What's that saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or some shit?"
"Yeah." Jax responds begrudgingly. "Or some shit." And lights yet another cigarette as they weave through the maze of parked vehicles on their way towards the house.
X
Author's Note: First I want to say that I'm very sorry for leaving you all waiting this long. I apologize that it's taken me so long to update this story, but the truth is that I've been having a hard time writing lately. Not sure why that is, but I'm trying my best to work my way through this writer's block, and will finish both my J/T stories eventually. I promise.
As for this chapter, I think there's more inner dialogue in here, than actual dialogue, but I still hope you guys like it. Tara is obviously still struggling, that's more clearer now than before, so I hope you all don't hate her too much for how she treated Jax there for a while.
Anyways, I hope I haven't lost my readers with my long absence, because I'm really curious to hear what you all think of this. So if you have a minute to spare, leave me a few words, please. Thank you. xoxo