Chapter 10: They're not bad, Koei drew them that way
Shu
Zhuge Liang: Alright, huff…the poster boy problem's solved, but now we have to deal with the most essential element of this series' fandom.
Pang Tong: Who? The history enthusiasts? smacked by Zhuge Liang OW!
Zhuge Liang: That is infact the MINORITY within our fandom, idiot! No! What I mean is, of course, THE FANGIRLS. in a dramatic tone
Everyone: Gasp!
Pang Tong: Tch, the fangirls? Are you fucking serious?
Zhuge Liang: Of course I'm serious! This series, when you think about it, is really primarily marketed towards girls, and what are the results?
Guan Yu: Irrelevant people historically who get turned into fanservice characters just for the hell of it, AND relevant people historically who get turned into fanservice characters with little to no personalities just for the hell of it?
Zhuge Liang: Exactly.
Huang Zhong: Which, of course, resulted in us being shafted into the background despite our historical achievements.
Zhuge Liang: EXACTLY. Now, I think it's a good idea if someone badass from the history gets turned into a fanservice character, that's fine, it'll make the fans love him more, and that's great. But the problem comes when the fangirls pretty much evaluate characters SOLELY on their looks, and as a result ending up ignoring the badass historical characters who are unlucky enough to NOT be pretty boys.
Zhang Fei: Still, what about those guys at Wei, though? They're mostly populated by older men, and yet the fans still love them.
Zhuge Liang: Uhh…yeah, well first, because they're evil. Second, I missed out an EXTREMELY important detail: people can still be attractive without being pretty boys.
Pang Tong: But the thing is, we're certainly NOT among them.
Zhuge Liang: Depressing, I know. BUT! That is PRECISELY what I'm about to do here!
Guan Yu: What?
Zhuge Liang: Here…from my time surfing the internet, I found out that this fandom has hope. As in, there are a FEW people out there who actually prefer non-pretty boys over the pretty boys! True, they're the minority, but the hope is still there!
Pang Tong: So...?
Zhuge Liang: I mean, this means that even us, the unpopular old guys, can still bring fangirls back into the series even WITHOUT the pretty boys!
Huang Zhong: What do you mean by that?
Zhuge Liang: Tch, you idiot! Look, what we need to do is to do some makeover in order to appeal to the fangirls! And speaking of which...hey, you two! points at Pang Tong and Wei Yan
Pang Tong and Wei Yan: Hm?
Zhuge Liang: Ahaha….you think that I don't know the purpose of those masks?! Of course! You're wearing them only because you're afraid of drawing the fangirls all to yourselves!
Wei Yan: Don't…understand…
Zhuge Liang: Okay, you know what? Now is the time to let it all out! Remove your masks! (Hohoho….man! I can't wait to see what's beneath Pang Tong's mask! Oh yeah…he's not called "Bang Tong" for nothing, you know, I can feel it!)
Pang Tong: Uhhh…okay, dude, we KNOW that you're hyped about this moment, but…I'm sorry, we can't.
Zhuge Liang: Whaaaattt?! But whyyy?!
Pang Tong: Didn't I tell you? If you look at my face, YOUR face will MELT. Trust me, don't do it.
Zhuge Liang: Oh, come on! Look, I don't care! I just wanna see that face of yours!
Pang Tong: We can't, no seriously, we can't-
Zhuge Liang: JUST DO ITTT!
Pang Tong: Argh…huff….fine. But it's your decision. Wei Yan!
Wei Yan: Yes…..
Pang Tong and Wei Yan: open masks
Zhuge Liang: (YASSSSSS! But wait…the fuck?!) ….GAAAAHHHH! MY EYESSSSS! THEY'RE MELTIIIIIIIIIINNNGGGGGG!
Yueying: AAAAHHH! MY HUSBAND! covers Zhuge Liang's eyes
Zhuge Liang: Gaaaahhhh….what…what in the everloving mother of GOD was THAT?!
Pang Tong: I told you.
Zhuge Liang: Gah….hmm…okay, if that doesn't work, then….oh! I know! Let's give ourselves a shave!
Zhang Fei: A shave?! You friggin' serious?!
Zhuge Liang: Of course! Just look at Lord Liu Bei, Sun Quan, and Yuan Shao! If we get rid ourselves of facial hair, fangirls will come to flock to us at an instant!
Huang Zhong: Ehhh…sorry to interrupt, but-
Zhuge Liang: Wei doesn't count, okay! Well, I suppose the first one would be….uhh….ah, yes! Guan Yu!
Guan Yu: What the?! How dare you attempting to shave my Magnificent Beard! Hell no! I won't let you touch them!
Zhuge Liang: Well, I never cared for your goddamn beard anyway! Just, follow me! drags Guan Yu by the beard into a room
Guan Yu: GAAAAHHH! W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP! STOP TOUCHING MY BEAUTIFUL BEARD! GAAAAHHHHH!
Everyone: sweatdrop
Zhang Fei: Gee, now I'm worried about brother's safety.
Pang Tong: Zhuge usually knows what he's doing….well, USUALLY.
5 hours (?!) later
Zhuge Liang: Okay, it's done! Hey guys! Check this- WHOA, WHAT?! WHY IS EVERYBODY GONE?!
Pang Tong: Hm? Oh, hey! It's you! So you're still alive!
Zhuge Liang: What?! Of course I'm alive! What the hell makes you think I'm dead?
Pang Tong: Well…it's now 12 o'clock. We thought that Guan Yu murdered you there for trying to shave his beard, but guess we're wrong.
Zhuge Liang: Tch, you! Oh well, whatever! Ahem, so…thus I present you….THE NEW GUAN YU!
curtain opens to reveal the beardless Guan Yu
Everyone: WHOOOOO! DAAAAAAMMMMNNN!
Guan Yu: Grrrhhh….Zhuge….you'll pay for this….
Zhang Fei: Hot damn, brother! Hahaha! No wonder your kids turned out to be quite fangirl-baits themselves! Well, seeing how my own kids look like, I'm kinda positive about this in regards to myself, hm…
Yueying: Still, is it me or that you now look a LOT like Guan Ping without your beard?
Zhuge Liang: And I thought Guan Ping was adopted?
Pang Tong: Ooohhhh! A scandal!
Guan Yu: Tch, s-shut up! I don't know! And…argh…this is going to scar my dignity forever….
Zhuge Liang: Don't be so bad about it! Look, this way, people are gonna believe that your kids are really yours, if you know what I mean, haha! smacked by Guan Yu AWGH!
Guan Yu: Shut the fuck up.
Wei
Cao Cao: Hrmf….hey, Dun.
Xiahou Dun: Hm?
Cao Cao: Do you find it sorta weird, that…we are the kingdom with least amount of pretty boys and girls…and yet we ended up being the most popular kingdom, regardless?
Xiahou Dun: I thought Jin took that from us.
Cao Cao: Yeah, but then again, technically they're STILL Wei! But you get my idea.
Xiahou Dun: Maybe that's because we were historically the strongest kingdom?
Cao Cao: Could be. All of our badassery are real and legit, not biased made-up propaganda bullshit that is Shu…
Xiahou Dun: And the fact that we're evil.
Cao Cao: What? No, we're not.
Xiahou Dun: Ah yes, my bad. We WERE evil. But the game makes us out to be one, anyway.
Cao Cao: I know. If their intention to make us the 'villains' is to make us hated by the fandom and to make them root for Shu….
Xiahou Dun: ….then they FAILED. HORRIBLY.
Cao Cao: I know. Hmm…I wonder if it's BECAUSE of the fact that we're the kingdom with the least amount of pretty boys and girls that caused us to be liked instead?
Xiahou Dun: Could be so. Maybe our extreme and hardcore manliness also got something to do with it.
Cao Cao: Hahaha, of course! I mean, man! Other kingdoms are pussies compared to us!
Xiahou Dun: Still doesn't explain how the hell we somehow degraded into something so low as Jin, though….
Cao Cao: Yeah, I know. Sucks.
Jia Xu: Hey.
Cao Cao: Oh, Jia Xu. You're here. What's your business?
Jia Xu: Well, I thought you two are still thinking about this problem, so I thought I could help.
Cao Cao: Hmm, alright.
Xiahou Dun: Also, cousin, the more I think about it, this whole thing actually starts to make sense.
Cao Cao: Why?
Xiahou Dun: I mean, really. I have finally reached the conclusion that Koei LITERALLY can't make a character who's NOT fanservicey in some way.
Cao Cao: Oh, really? Hmm…you're right. If you look at a certain perspective….sometimes a really, REALLY twisted, screwed, fucked-up perspective.
Xiahou Dun: Yeah. Hell, Huang Gai's got his fangirls. DONG ZHUO, as well.
Cao Cao: Yeah. Well, not that it's necessarily a bad thing, though, it can still give this series some hope even without the pretty boys.
Xiahou Dun: Right. And then there are some…who have such abilities to make a single immature, unstable teenage girl to become thoroughly OBSESSED with him when NO ONE else does….
Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun: Hmmm…..stares at Jia Xu with squinting eyes
Jia Xu: W…w…what?! What's with all that stare?!
Cao Cao: Hehehehe….ah, it's alright. We're just….grateful, that we got you in our side.
Jia Xu: Why?
Xiahou Dun: Ah, you see…
Jia Xu: Huh. Okay. (Shit. Now that I think about it, they've been acting kinda strange towards me ever since the pretty boys' and girls' abduction. I guess I have to be more careful now. Perhaps it has something to do with my status as the Author's favorite? Ah, hell.)
Wu
Sun Jian: This is not going anywhere! slams desk
Sun Ce: Ah! Father, what's with that?
Sun Jian: Well, just look at us! Disaster WILL come if we don't do something soon!
Lu Su: But the question is….what WOULD that SOMETHING be?
Sun Jian: That's the problem. Sigh…for almost 20 years, we've NEVER encountered something like this before. And we can't even do anything about it! Huff…
Huang Gai: Hm! Come on now, just relax, my lord! Hey, you see, it doesn't matter we got pretty boys or not. We just need to continue doing our best and be recognized, and we'll shine as bright as Chibi! No need to worry!
Sun Jian: You sure?
Sun Ce: Master Huang Gai's got a point, father. I mean, look at Wei. They only have old guys dabbling there, but they STILL remain badass and outstanding, which is why the people love them.
Lu Su: And considering how our kingdom is mostly considered BORIIINNGGGG by the fandom, I'd say we just need to improve our performances more!
Sun Jian: Hmm…I see! Well, your advice certainly helps! We shall continue uphold the honor of the Suns!
Everyone: YOOOO!
Sun Ce: But then again, it's not really a big problem to lose our pretty boys, I mean, hey! We too, ARE quite attractive on our own!
Sun Jian: Exactly! A lot of the fans dub me the 'Hottest DILF in the entire land'….though I have no idea what DILF is. But hey! It's always a good sign when you're called hot!
Huang Gai: Not to mention our dear friend Lu Su!
Lu Su: Hahaha, wow, really? I never thought I would be considered 'hot', but…
Sun Ce: Hahaha! Well! With this, we really got nothing to fear! We'll show them the TRUE strength of Wu when even Koei shafted us aside!
Other
Chen Gong: whistling while reading his 'special scrolls'
Lu Bu: entering the palace in a horrible condition Blargh…Chen…Gong….I'm home…
Chen Gong: frantically hides his 'special scrolls' AAAHHH! Oh, Lord Lu Bu! You're home- AAAAHHH! MY GOODNES! What…what happened to you?!
Lu Bu: Well…first day being a poster boy….so much shit happened. Eurgh.
Chen Gong: Oh my god, you look terrible! What did they do to you?!
Lu Bu: Meh…they only put me among tsunamis, burning storms, burning ships, whathaveyou, but that's all fine to me. But then…
Chen Gong: Then what?
Lu Bu: ….then they intended to put me into various product advertisement DLC costumes, merchandises in provocative poses….you know. I tried to fight back, but my god…to use THOSE….that's just inhuman…
Chen Gong: Then again, you ARE inhuman, Lord Lu Bu.
Lu Bu: It's a fucking metaphor!
Chen Gong: Aaahhh! I-I'm sorry!
Lu Bu: Tch, whatever. Gah….really, when Zhao Yun came back…I suppose I'll dub HIM the mightiest of the era….seriously…
To Be Continued...
I know this is kinda short, but it's okay. As always, leave a review and have a good day!