Alone. He was alone.
The last note of the song Kahoko played in the third selection (1) faded away and Len opened his eyes. How ironic that the song was asked to be played by him just when he lost his own lover. The good news was that he could put his emotions into that song.
There's no way around this. We'll never get another chance with each other.
In the last two months, Len felt as though he had aged four hundred years. There had been no messages from either Mrs. Hino or Tsuchiura to say if Kaho had lived or died. The silence tortured him, but he refused to ask. He was afraid to.
Fresh pain blossomed in his heart when he remembered her tears that day.
I wonder… if I'd burst in, would I have managed to stop it? Or would the situation would be worse that this? … but I can't turn the clock. No one can. Fate is cruel to me, as time is cruel to her, taking her breath slowly until her body becomes white and pale and lifeless and I'll never see her again… until I have finished all my days.
A song of mourning came to him. He remembered it from a book he read when he was but a child.
We'll never walk over the fields of the earth,
Never hear the birds in the morning.
Oh, I have lived with you and loved you
And now you are gone away.
Gone where I cannot follow
Until I have finished all my days.
Unconsciously, his hands tightened on his violin and bow.
Yes, she is now gone away, gone where I cannot follow until I have finished all my days. Even if she lives… I cannot see her weep like that day. Oh, Lord! Help me.
Len trembled from head to toe and leaned against the wall as his brain went into an overdrive and his body suddenly refused to do his will.
Drink. I need something to drown my feelings in. He stumbled to the kitchen, somehow managing to control his body that much, and searched for the heroin he remembered seeing some months ago. He yanked out the bottle and took a swig of it, and then, still holding the bottle, he spun and ran out the kitchen.
He was completely alone. Even Jake had left to see his family yesterday. The house was eerie and quiet… too quiet. He wanted laughter. He wanted her.
His next stop was the bathroom closet, where he grabbed the cold pills and swallowed two, washing them down with the heroin. Then he ran into his room. He slammed the drink on his bedside table and threw himself on his bed, and lost himself in the deep void of anguish.
0.o.0.o.0
The next day, he woke up with a terrible headache.
I've lost my mind, he thought to himself as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Half-crazed eyes stared back at him, and his hair was messy. His shirt was only half buttoned and had creases, which the old Len would never bear with. It could have been his imagination, but he seemed to be shaking, and his skin seemed sallower, unhealthy, as though he had been the one who was sick, not…
Len stopped, and closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. No, don't think about that. Think about something else.
He tried to remember the tune of the songs he was supposed to play, but somehow they evaded him. Good thing he had a month to practice. That could take up his time, and help block out unwanted thoughts.
In his room, he grabbed a book, not caring what it was about, and sat down on the couch to read. The first few chapters he couldn't concentrate, but after that, he realized that it was a romantic book. Len tossed the book over his shoulder furiously; it landed somewhere with a hard thump that couldn't feel too good.
Wrapping his arms around his upper torso, Len leaned back and shut his eyes, but they snapped open when her face came into his mind.
He needed someone to comfort him. Someone who understood his predicament. Someone who would laugh at this, and make him feel better. Someone whose humor was strong enough to make him laugh, too.
Hihara-senpai.
His feelings for her weren't private, so he would know how Len felt.
But he doesn't understand what we have. He would never understand that. And he's got Mio now, so he isn't in love with her, too. He likes her as a friend.
I guess I'm alone, after all.