~ Chapter 10 ~

"Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense?"

~ Rikki ~

I smiled at Emma when she answered the door "You got out." She grinned at me and I nodded "Yeah, they said I was free to go." She grabbed my hand and led me into her house "Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah I feel great. Ready to train.." I looked at her and then saw her Mum and Dad in the next room "Hey Mr and Mrs Gilbert." I smiled at them and then Emma's Mum walked up to me and embraced me, I looked over at Emma and she shrugged "I think she was worried about you Rikki." I laughed and then put my arms around her Mum "I am fine, I was just forgetful." She nodded at me and then looked towards Emma. Letting go of me, she walked towards the kitchen "Do you two want anything to eat?"

"I just ate at the hospital. Maybe after training?" I smiled at her and she nodded at me "What did you have there?" Emma's Dad looked over to me, I didn't hesitate "OJ, toast and an apple."I smiled at him and then he exchanged a look with Emma's Mum and then smiled at me. I looked confused towards Emma but she just shook her head "We are going upstairs then." I waved at them "Wait." We both turned around as Mrs Gilbert ran towards us with two water bottles. I laughed at her as I took one and thanked her.

"So then, how are you really feeling?" Emma asked me as we got into her family gym upstairs, I shrugged "Stupid." She laughed "Hey, you came first though." I nodded and then laughed at her, "And you came second."

"I know!You beat me.. And my record." I looked at her as I went to sit on the cycling machine "Do you really think I want to be better than you?" She looked at me "I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes I get jealous. I just want to be able to fast, and I can't."

"It's not as good as it seems you know. Sometimes I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I want it to go back to how it used to be, but it just won't."

"Are you saying I have it easy?" Emma looked at me as she did some sit ups on the floor "No.. I really didn't mean for it to sound like that. I know you don't have it easy... I know that."

"Relax. I was joking." I looked down and tried to cycle as fast as I could, "Don't you learn from yesterday's events?" Emma raised an eyebrow at me, I shrugged "I didn't have this yesterday." I held up my water bottle and Emma laughed at me "So true."

"Water is so pure.. just like us." Emma laughed when she said it, I laughed with her. "You are what you eat."

"So I will eat nothing." Emma said, I giggled "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I got off the cycling bike and then swapped with Emma "Hunger hurts but starving works."

"Very true." Emma said as she winked at me. I did one crunch after the other "Doing crunches on an empty stomach is amazing." Emma nodded and then got off the machine to go on the rowing machine, I got up and then went onto the trampoline. "Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin." I smiled "Umm.. It's not deprivation, it's liberation."

"I like that quote. An imperfect body, reflects an imperfect person."

"Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's better being thin."

"Act as though it's impossible to fail."

"Bones are beautiful... let them show."

"The difference between want and need is self control." I laughed and then stopped running, turning the machine off, I grabbed my water bottle and then a towel. "It's going to be okay isn't it Rikki?" I looked at Emma as she grabbed her own water bottle "I hope so."

"Me to." I looked over at her and grinned "Well, that was fun." I linked arms with her as we walked out and into her bedroom. "It was different."

"I liked it." I walked into her room and then ran to her bathroom, "Who is going to weigh first?" I asked, "You." I nodded and stepped on the scales, closing my eyes and then slowly opened them and looked down at the dreaded numbers "108lbs." I whispered, "Wow! Thats amazing." I shrugged, "It's okay."

"My turn." I got off and watched as Emma looked down at the scales "114lbs." She smiled "It's going down." I nodded at her and then smiled "It's working." She nodded and then looked in the mirror "Not fast enough though."

"Can't hurry perfection though." Emma nodded in agreement and then looked back at me "You do look amazing though." I shook my head "A lot more to loose."

"Same." I went back into her bedroom and pulled up my top in front of the mirror, I sighed and then looked back at Emma, pulling my top back down "It's crap." I sighed and then sat down on her bed, Emma sat down next to me and smiled "Don't worry. We can both do this, we can carry on loosing."

"I have to go." I sighed, "We have school tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Did I miss much today?" Emma shook her head "I didn't feel like going in."

"Oh."

"Probably just a load of gossip." I nodded "Yeah, hopefully Zane would have set them straight." I nodded "He loves you so much you know. " I look at her "I love him too." Emma smiled at me "I need to see Ash sometime." I laughed at her "You should go see him now. I am walking that way." Emma nodded at me and then laughed, "Sure. I will get changed." I nodded at her and then looked around her room as she ran into the bathroom. Sighing, I got back up and looked into the mirror, pulling my top up again I looked for any sign of bones. "You know, you can see all your ribs." Emma opened the bathroom door and surprised me. I looked at her reflection in the mirror "I don't see any." I looked sadly at the mirror and then pulled my top down "Maybe one day." I looked down and then went to walk towards her bedroom door "Ready then?" Emma nodded and grinned at me, I smiled at her and then walked out of her door.

I left Emma at JuiceNet and made my way to my house. Walking slowly, I thought about how different my life had become since my diet started. Nothing was the same, it would never be the same again. It wasn't fair, it was just meant to be a diet. I wish I had never found out about Emma, I wish I didn't know about her now. I wish I didn't ask her how to purge. I sighed and looked down at the ground, nothing was normal anymore.

Arriving home I smiled at my Dad as he was playing around with his bike outside. "Your tea is inside." I nodded at him "Thank you." He put his arms around me "I just want to make sure you're okay, you are ain't you?" I nodded at him "Of course." I walked inside and then looked at the food he had left for me, fatty fries and fatty burgers. I couldn't help it, "You know what a diet is, don't you?" I said as I walked outside, I had the plate in my hands "It doesn't include.. this." I pointed at the food with my spare hand and then shook my head "You just don't get it do you? I don't want all this fatty food anymore. I am on a diet, I need to loose weight. Just try to understand that." I dropped the plate on the floor and stormed back inside the house, slamming my bedroom door, I jumped onto my bed and started to cry. I hated all this. I hated everything. I just wanted to be thin and nobody seemed to understand.

The next day I got up out of bed and looked into the mirror, my usual routine. I quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving my room. "Are you going to have any breakfast?"

"I am going to be late."

"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" I looked at him, he was red in the face and he looked as though he hadn't slept all night. I sat down and stared at the toast he had put in front of me "Did you have to put so much butter on there?" I said as I started to scrape it all off, he shook his head and then took the knife out of my hand "Eat it now." I sighed and then looked up at him "You just want me to be fat don't you?" He shook his head and then sat down next to me "I just want you to eat something."
"But.. it's just so many calories. Don't make me." I could feel a tear fall down my face. "I am sorry. But you ain't leaving this seat until you take one bite." I nodded at him and then grabbed a piece of toast, biting into it, I pretended to chew it and then I smiled at him. I moved the toast in my mouth to the side and then looked up at him "Can I go now?" He nodded at me and then kissed me on the forehead. I walked out the house and then spat it out of my mouth, wiping my mouth with my hand I looked at the food on the floor and shook my head, almost laughing at the thought of eating it. I sighed and then ran off down the road towards school.

"Hey how are you feeling?" Zane saw me as I walked into the school and I smiled at him "Great thanks and yourself?" I kissed him on the lips and then he put his arm around my waist. I grinned at him as we walked along, I loved the looks I got from the other girls. They all wanted my boyfriend, but I had him. He loved me and he didn't even look at them twice. He slowly removed his hand from my waist as we carried on walking and then he slipped his hand in mine, I smiled at him and laughed when a teacher told us off. He grinned at me as he had to go to a different class than me and kissed me on the lips. I felt myself go red and then he walked off. I sighed as I walked into English and then saw Cleo wave at me, I avoided the looks I got from the other students. I was told by Cleo on the phone last night some people thought I was pregnant, others thought I was on drugs. Out of all the rumors anorexia was not one. I obviously wasn't thin enough. I smiled at Cleo and took my seat next to her, "How are you?"

"Good thanks you?" Cleo just nodded and then laughed "I missed you."

"Yeah same." I smiled at her and then looked back down at my books.

It was lunchtime already and people were finally starting to realize I was fine and that I was not on drugs nor was I pregnant. I just tried to keep my cool, there was no point getting worked up about it. I was sitting with Emma and Cleo at lunchtime. Emma was just sitting there, staring at a blank space in front of her. I just shrugged it off, I would ask her later when Cleo wasn't around. Cleo pulled out this massive sandwich and I noticed Emma look up for a second, she looked like she was about to be sick. I just turned away and stood up, after all standing up burns more calories than sitting down. I looked at Cleo and then she looked back up at me "What?" She had only just finished eating and I just stared at her, putting my hands around my wrist, just to see if I had lost any weight. My wrist didn't seem to be getting any smaller, bigger if you ask me. I shrugged at Cleo and then looked down at what was left of her lunch "Do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" I looked at her and raised an eyebrow "No I don't." Cleo looked at me and shook her head, Emma looked up as well and just looked behind me "At least 1000."

"I don't really care to be honest Rikki."

"I was just saying." Cleo stood up and looked at me and I stared right back, I wasn't going to let her win. I don't care if she doesn't give a crap about calories, she should. She keeps gaining weight and she doesn't even care. She doesn't diet and she hardly exercises, how does she even live with herself? "Not all of us are self obsessed." Cleo said as she came towards me, I shook my head "It's got nothing to do with me being self obsessed. I was just pointing out the obvious."

"No Rikki, the only reason you fainted was because you never eat. Nothing to do with forgetting to drink water. You fainted because you are so vain." She shook her head "I cannot be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, all you think about is yourself. You're just selfish."

"Whatever Cleo! At least I care about what I look like." I shook my head and looked at her from top to bottom "I care.. just not overly like you do. Both of you!"

"Don't bring me into this." Emma muttered, Cleo just shook her head "You're both stupid, selfish cows. I have tried to get past it, I have tried to pretend like nothing is going on but at the end of the day you are both so involved with each other that you can't even see what is going on around you. I don't care about calories or weight, and that makes me normal. Unlike you two." I shook my head and then slapped her as hard as I could across the face "I hate you." Cleo raised her own hand and slapped me back, Emma stood up and came in between us. "Come on Rikki." She grabbed my hand and I grabbed my bag. I stared at Cleo as we walked past her and she shook her head "Off you go then, go be sick or whatever it is you do."

Emma led me past everyone else and into the bathroom, I noticed nobody else was around so I slammed my bag down and looked in the mirror "She deserved that." I looked at the slap mark on my face, it was bright red. I looked into my eyes and saw that the tears were threatening to fall and and I shook my head. No Rikki you are not going to cry, I told myself. I wasn't going to let myself cry this time, no tears will fall from these eyes. Emma shook her head "I know she did but you shouldn't have said anything in the first place." I looked at her "I don't even know why I did. It wasn't meant to come out like that.. I don't know. I just wasn't thinking." I shook my head and then turned away from the mirror "I hate her."

"No you don't." I shrugged "I know I don't but I wish I did."

"It's hard, we have to loose friends sometimes. It had to happen." I nodded and then looked at her, "I just didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't mean to say anything." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. I let them fall, I told myself it would be the last time I cried in front of anyone, but I knew it would be a lie. I knew I would end up crying in front of someone soon, I just can't keep it all in check sometimes. Emma walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, I cried into her shoulder "I want to die Emma." I whispered "I can't take this anymore, I can't loose anyone else. Everyone hates me. Even my Dad is catching onto me now, even he thinks I am being stupid."

"I don't hate you." She rubbed my back as I carried on crying "I can't control it anymore. I just wanted to be in control but I can't even do that. I have nothing."

"You have me." I nodded "I know. Thanks." I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes, I was going to be so thin. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. I wasn't good enough yet, but I would be one day. Sighing I looked at Emma and tried to smile "We need to get to lesson." She nodded "At least I am with you this lesson." I said, "Yeah. Should be fun." I grinned at her "Sure."

"Whats wrong today Emma?" I looked at her and she just shrugged "I don't know.. Last night with Ash was amazing but I feel like crap about it." She looked down "Why? What did you do?" I wrinkled my nose, kind of already knowing the answer. "We had sex..." She whispered "Have you and Zane?" I shook my head and laughed "I don't think I am ready yet."

"I don't think I was either. He said I looked perfect, all I could think about was how fat I looked and what he must be thinking. I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to have the lights off or cover myself. I just wanted to stop but I wanted to carry on at the same time. I love him so much Rikki but I just didn't know what to do. It was an amazing night, but then I can't help regretting it. I don't know what he is thinking right now. He hasn't phoned me or text me all day.." She trailed off and I smiled at her "I am sure it's fine. He is probably busy. He will phone you, or maybe you can go see him after school? I am going to JuiceNet with Zane anyway, you can walk with us." Emma nodded "Good idea." I laughed and then rolled my eyes as we went to walk into the classroom "We are going to get into trouble now." She nodded "It doesn't matter, its our first time."

"True." I opened the door and blushed when the teacher asked me what was wrong, my eyes were probably still red from before "I just didn't feel well. Sorry, I asked Emma to come with me." She just shook her head "No problem. Take your seats please." I walked past Cleo and Lewis, Cleo just stared at me and shook her head and then she looked towards Lewis who just shook his head to her and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, I was surprised he wasn't taking her side. I thought he would hate me as well, he is not as bad as I thought I guess.

I nodded towards Emma as we both sat down and she smiled at me. "Right Class.." I pulled out all my books and started to read them as instructed to do so. I was going to do well in school this year, I had a good feeling about it. And it was all thanks to my new diet. I smiled to myself, and then looked up at Emma. She grinned at me and then went back to her own books, I did the same as I tried to take in all the information. This was easier than I thought it would be.

I was going to loose people along the way but I was going to gain happiness in the process. Everything was going to be okay in the end. I was going to be thin and clever. Nothing was going to be wrong. I was going to make it through all this. I was going to give my children the life I always wanted. I smiled to myself and shook my head, it was going to be okay.