The Ties That Bind

Chapter 9: Not Over You

In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me,
see all you have to do now is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I'm asking for is love,
but you never seem to have enough.

- All Over You (The Spill Canvas)

But I couldn't sleep away my worries forever. The next morning they were back. And Nico wasn't. Worst of all, I didn't know of any way to locate him and all my attempts to IM him just sputtered away into static, leaving me staring at the spray of the saltwater fountain in the corner of my cabin with nothing to show for it. Either Nico was somewhere that he couldn't be contacted, or he was somehow ignoring my calls. I really didn't like either of those options.

My mind kept replaying the events of the night he left – the night Silena had died – over and over. In my mind, I saw his face change, morphing from horrified to numb. I watched his eyes cloud over as he lunged at Annabeth, as I tried to hold her back and he turned and ran, disappearing into the shadows like he belonged more to them than the living world of light. And I was not okay with how things had ended.

There had to be a reason for everything – a reason that Silena was dead, some way that Nico had found out she was a traitor and stopped her from doing something horrible. There had to be some reason he'd turned into a shadow of the Nico I knew and ran. I just didn't know what it could be. All I did know was that I needed him to come back. I needed to know he was okay.

But Nico didn't come back. And why should he, I realized, when he thought that I thought he was a murderer? I should have tried to talk to him in the forest that night – I shouldn't have just stood there, shocked, while he looked up at me like he had, lost and afraid. I had failed him, I was sure of it. I trudged to breakfast that morning feeling like my feet were made of lead, and even though I knew my stomach was empty the thought of actually eating anything made me feel like I was going to hurl. I couldn't even bring myself to murmur my usual plea to the gods as I scraped a piece of partially-burnt toast into the brazier. All I could do was force my lips to move to fashion something that hopefully sounded enough like, "For the gods."

The Hunters were eating breakfast at the Artemis table, but I knew it was only a matter of time before Chiron sent them after Nico. After all, I wasn't the only one who needed to talk to him. One camper was dead and even if Chiron had insisted that Nico had nothing to do with it, he knew better. So did Thalia and Annabeth and I. And this was something that wasn't going to go away until there were answers. I watched the girls at the Artemis table eating, and I wondered if Thalia would let me come with them. I wondered if I could follow them if she said no.

I could hear the quiet hum of conversation all around the dining pavilion as I sat. No one was talking about Nico – at least not within earshot of me. But I knew he was on everyone's mind. Even if no one else knew the truth, I knew how people still felt about him. It hadn't just been Clarisse who'd questioned his loyalty or his ability to lead us into battle. Maybe she'd been the loudest voice, but I knew she hadn't been the only one.

I just wished everyone could have cut him a break. Maybe then he wouldn't have felt so alone – maybe then he could have come forward with whatever he knew about Silena and we could have dealt with it together. Maybe she wouldn't have had to die – and maybe, even if she had, her blood wouldn't have been on Nico's hands. Part of me hated Silena for what had happened. Maybe we should have just left her to rot, for making Nico her scapegoat and pushing him so far that he had killed her – and nearly killed Clarisse (because that's what had to have happened, it all made sense now, right?). But I couldn't hate her very much. Traitor or not, she had been my friend (at least in passing) and I'd rather have watched her burn on a funeral pyre than picked to pieces by whatever lived in the woods. But still, something about it just wasn't fair. I guessed nothing ever really was, especially not for half-bloods. And not for children of the Big Three, especially.

All I knew was that I'd never felt more alone in my life. Maybe that was why I found myself at the open door of the Athena cabin just before dinner that same day, peering past the doorframe and into the dim interior. I wasn't sure if it was luck or something else, but inside the cabin I could see Annabeth alone at one of the many drafting tables, hunched over her computer. The big blue Δ symbol on the front glowed softly in the darkened cabin. Her eyes flicked over to the door as my shadow blocked the light. She didn't act very surprised to see me, even though I'd been kind of avoiding her just as much as she'd been avoiding me ever since she'd stormed out of my cabin in the middle of the night. (Well, that night when we'd found Nico and Silena's body notwithstanding. But I hadn't talked to Annabeth again since then.)

But there were only so many ways to avoid someone when you both lived in the same camp for half-blooded kids of the Ancient Greek gods. And honestly, I didn't like avoiding Annabeth under normal circumstances – not when she was one of my best friends and there was a war that was no longer looming on the horizon but practically rolling in with the morning fog. And now, with everything that had happened... With Nico and Grover gone, she was really the only person I had left in camp that I felt I could talk to. And I really, really needed to talk. I might have spilled a whole lot about the past few weeks to Chiron just two days ago, but it hadn't been the same as talking to a friend.

All that aside, there was just something about not being on actual speaking terms with Annabeth that threw my entire world off just a little. And right now I needed every little bit I could get – and so, I suspected, did she. I remembered how she reacted to Silena's body and how she'd screamed at me after Nico had disappeared. Maybe I hadn't realized it at the time, but that had been one of the worse moments in my life. And there have been a lot of bad moments, trust me.

"Hey," I said, almost cringing at how hollow and lame my voice sounded. Annabeth didn't say anything back, but at least that meant she hadn't told me to go step on a javelin, either. But now she was watching me, waiting for me to go on. So I said, "Can I come in?"

Annabeth watched me warily for another minute, but eventually she nodded. I took a few tentative steps into the cabin as her eyes flicked back to the computer screen, valiantly half-ignoring me. I got a few more steps into the cabin before she finally spoke, addressing the computer screen in front of her. "What do you want, Seaweed Brain?" Her voice was soft and even though she wasn't looking at me, she didn't sound all that mad. That almost made me feel worse, somehow. At least if she'd been mad, not talking to her for so long would've seemed more worth it, somehow. As it was, I just felt kind of stupid.

"I… uh. I wanted to talk to you."

She looked back up at me, her grey eyes darker than usual in the shadows at the back of the cabin. I couldn't really read her expression, but I was hoping that since she wasn't ranting and angry, maybe I stood a chance of making things okay with her. But that meant I had to say something. "Annabeth, I..." But I almost didn't know where to start. There was so much of it – maybe my brain really was filled with kelp. It felt an awful lot like it right now.

Well, I guessed I could start with an apology. "I'm sorry," I said, because it this whole thing hadn't really been Annabeth's fault and we both knew it. I just had to be man enough to say it – because that's what I was, right? How could I be a hero – how could I support a hero – if I couldn't say those words? Mom had always said that it took more courage to say you were wrong than it did to lift a weapon.

Annabeth's eyes were still dark as she said, "Do you even know what you're apologizing for?" Her hands came to a stop on the keyboard, but she didn't close the lid and the pale blue glow still illuminated her features, making her look otherworldly.

Honestly, that wasn't really the response I'd been expecting. I blinked helplessly for a minute, my mouth opening and closing before I managed to say, "For not telling you what Rachel said, that night. I should have – "

But now Annabeth was shaking her head, her eyes sliding away from me. I admit, I was kind of lost. Wasn't that what she had been mad at me about? I knew she didn't like Rachel (the feeling seemed somewhat mutual) and I knew now that I should have just told Annabeth what was up instead of trying to keep it secret. After all, maybe she wouldn't have run to Chiron – maybe, I thought with a sinking stomach, she would have been able to help. But it was too late for that now. All I could do was try to figure out what was wrong and try to fix it. But now I just plain didn't understand. What did Annabeth mean?

"I shouldn't have to tell you," Annabeth said, as though she could read my mind. Now there was some anger starting to creep into her voice. "I shouldn't have to explain it to you, Percy. But that's just typical," she went on, with a strange sounding sort of half-laugh. "You never get anything unless I bash you over the head with it, do you?"

I wasn't really sure what the appropriate response to that was, or even if I was actually supposed to answer her. I apparently settled for something that sounded a lot like, "Uh..."

Annabeth looked at me again, her arms crossing over her chest. "You don't even realize it, do you?" she huffed. "So typical," she said, rolling her eyes toward the ceiling. She pushed herself off the stool, marching around the table to put it at her back so she was standing only a couple of steps away from me. She put her hands on her hips and glared at me in a move that was just so very Annabeth.

And honestly, it might be horrible to say this, but this was part of the reason that I'd been so attracted to Nico in the first place. I could still remember my birthday (it hadn't been that long ago, really), when he'd asked me if he should tell someone he liked them, even if he wasn't sure what the other person thought. As I'd considered the answer I was going to give him, it had led me to think about Annabeth and Rachel and everything I'd been through with them over the summer – the way they'd just look at me and talk to me like the way Annabeth was looking at me now, like there was some big glaring sign that I just wasn't seeing, and I was so stupid and how could I not understand?

That had been the difference between Nico and Annabeth (because Rachel I wasn't sure about, that had been kind of tangled up in other stuff that didn't really apply here). But Annabeth... Annabeth treated me like an idiot sometimes, expected me to figure things out on my own with little to no clues and sometimes I just couldn't do it. If Annabeth had liked me so much, all she had to do was tell me. But instead it had been Nico who'd told me, even though he was afraid that I would hate him for it. And instead of hating him or being disgusted I'd realized in that moment that that was all I wanted – I just wanted someone to be clear with me, to tell me what was on their mind because how else was I supposed to know? I wasn't a mind-reader, and sometimes I think maybe Annabeth wanted me to be one.

Right now was definitely one of those times. Because obviously I'd done something a whole lot bigger than just withhold one phone conversation from her, and I just didn't know what it was. But I had a feeling that maybe this time she was going to tell me.

I didn't have to wait long to find out. "Gods, you really are dumb, Percy!" she exploded, throwing her hands up in disgust or exasperation. "Yes, of course I'm mad you didn't want to tell me what Rachel said. But I can respect your privacy. That was only the last straw – do you realize how you've been acting ever since you came back to camp? Do you realize how it makes me feel?"

I thought hard. How had I been acting? And why would it make Annabeth mad? "I... uh... I know I've been hanging out with Nico a lot," I hazarded. After all, that was the only big difference that I could think of. Was that what had been bothering Annabeth? But she'd told me she understood. "But you said you were okay – "

"Yeah? Well, I lied," Annabeth cut me off. She stalked up to me, staring right up into my face. "I still like you, Percy. I like you a lot. And yes, I'm okay with just being your friend – or, at least, I'm trying to be. But lately you haven't been my friend, or anyone's friend at all. You've been Nico's devoted little worshipper and it makes me feel like crap. I bet if Grover was here, he'd feel the same way. I guess I'm almost glad he's not; maybe you should be, too."

She stopped and let that sink in for a minute, which I admit it did take for me to fully process all of the words she'd just said. Because okay, she still liked me – I guessed that was pretty awkward but it was what it was. People couldn't just turn their feelings off, right? And she seemed to be dealing with it pretty well. I mean, I was still dealing with it a little too. I had been kind of attracted to Annabeth, after all. I couldn't deny that, even if it just wasn't an issue for me anymore. But then there was the part about me being a jerk to my friends because of Nico and –

And, I realized with a jolt of dismay, that she was right. I thought back to the first time I'd seen Annabeth after I'd started seeing Nico and even though I hadn't thought about it at the time, it was obvious now how I'd kind of brushed her off. And it was obvious again as I thought about leaving to go on the quest to find the Oracle in Rising Star, Texas, and obvious again when I had disregarded everything everyone had said and gone down into the Underworld to bargain for Nico back.

In fact, it kept being obvious the more I thought about it. I'd begun to shut her out of my life, little by little, as I spent more time with Nico and less with anybody else. I wasn't so sure about the "devoted worshipper" bit, but even I could admit that Nico was all I thought about most of the time, especially when I was worried about him. (Like right now). And now that I realized that, I realized that it wasn't fair to a friend as good as Annabeth. It was suddenly so much easier to see that now, with Nico gone and me left with the giant gaping hole where he'd been. The hole was giant and gaping because I'd ignored all of the friends who had used to fill it. And maybe they could never fill it quite the same way again, but that didn't mean they weren't a part of what made me whole anymore.

Annabeth seemed to notice that what she'd said had finally started to spark some sort of recognition (and guilt) in my mind. She lowered her voice as she spoke again, and she said, "I know the only reason you're here now is because he's not."

And even though she hadn't sounded angry at all that time, that sentence struck me harder than anything she'd said before. Because it was true, down to every last word. I felt alone because Nico was gone, when really I couldn't possibly be alone because Annabeth was standing right in front of me. She wasn't my girlfriend (or rather, boyfriend – you know what I mean), but she was my friend, and that was just as important. I might love Nico like he was my own heart but I loved Annabeth too, just in a different way. We'd fought together and almost died together and yeah, we didn't always get along and maybe she treated me like an idiot sometimes, but right now I had to admit that maybe I deserved it – at least sometimes.

Now I knew what she really wanted me to apologize for. And I did have to admit that I wished she hadn't had to point it out to me, after all. "Annabeth..." I breathed, because it was actually a little hard to talk, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't... I didn't realize."

"No," she said, wiping at her nose a little, "you didn't. Seaweed Brain"

I realized that her eyes were a little too bright, even in the dim light in the cabin. And I felt like the world's biggest Grade A idiot. Before I really knew what I was doing, I reached out and pulled her into a hug, just holding her close because she was my friend and I honestly didn't have enough words to tell her I was sorry. As I held her, I vowed silently that when Nico came back (because he would, he had to), I would make time for all of my friends. Nico was the center of my world, but he didn't have to eclipse everything that was important to me just so I could show him that. I would make sure he knew how I felt, and we would move on. My friends could be his friends, because he'd never had a lot of friends but there was no reason for that now. Things would get better. They had to.

"I promise to stop acting like a jerk," I said after a minute. "Nico's always going to be important to me, but so are you." And it was about time I told her that. "I just want you to be okay with this."

"I'm trying," she said, her voice a little muffled by my shoulder. "But Percy," she said almost hesitantly, pushing away to look up into my face, "Nico's not the same person he was when we met him. He's changed a lot – especially since the whole... you know. Medea thing."

And that was the crux of the matter, the reason I'd come seeking Annabeth's company (and wisdom) in the first place. "I know," I said. "I know, and I just want to help him but I don't know how."

"Percy," Annabeth said, reaching out and taking my hand. "I don't know Nico as well as you do – no one here does. But he killed Silena. You know it as well as I do. And traitor or not..." She trailed off.

"Something was – is – really wrong with him, Annabeth," I insisted. "And I didn't see it in time, and now he's gone..." I felt a lump of guilt well up in my throat, and I had to stop talking for a minute. I felt dumb all over again, dumping this on Annabeth when she'd just told me that she still liked me. It felt like rubbing salt in an open wound and I knew I didn't have the right to come to Annabeth with this, not when she'd just said what she had. But I just didn't know who else to go to, and if I didn't say something soon I felt like I might explode.

I looked at the wall of the cabin, not able to look at Annabeth anymore as I said, feeling choked, "What if he doesn't come back?"

The Hunters were still prowling the camp, but I didn't know how much longer that would last. I was sure that if Nico didn't turn up soon, the Hunters wouldn't be able to hold off searching for him much longer. In fact, I wasn't sure how much longer I could sit around and do nothing. I could only sit around and wait for him to come back to me for so long, and that time was running thin. Even though I didn't have any better idea how to find Nico than I had that morning, I also knew that I wasn't going to let the Hunters get to him first. Maybe I'd done a crappy job of dealing with the situation the last time I'd seen him, but I swore to myself (and him) that I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

Annabeth opened her mouth, but for a minute nothing came out. After all, how could she tell me he'd come back? She didn't know the answer any more than I did. Finally she asked, "He never said anything to you about Silena?"

I shook my head. "No. We really didn't... talk all that much lately," I admitted, frowning and glancing at the wall rather than Annabeth's face as I felt mine start to get hot. It sounded a whole lot worse when I admitted it out loud.

When I glanced back over Annabeth was frowning too, but it was more from concern than disapproval. "Really? Because he sure grabbed you and carted you off enough... Oh." She blinked. "Were you really... uh... y'know, the whole time?" Now it was Annabeth's turn to start turning pink and I coughed, pulling my arm gently away from her grasp.

"Not the whole time," I assured her quickly. "But it's just that every time I tried to talk to him about anything – the prophecy or whatever – he would change the subject and then... yeah." If there was one thing Nico had not been lacking lately, it was a sex drive. I hadn't exactly been complaining, but it really hadn't made it any easier to talk to him about stuff when all he wanted to do was make out. It was a lot easier to see that in retrospect. Really, I hadn't exactly been trying to get him to talk as much as I probably should have. And that thought brought me around again to the pile of guilt that only seemed to be growing with each passing second.

"Percy, that can't be healthy," Annabeth said, moving away a little as I embarrassedly started to shuffle my feet a little. "For either of you," she added, and as I watched her I saw something in her eyes that was unfamiliar for a minute until I realized that it was pity. "I realize he was never very talkative, but... Percy," she said slowly, "are you really sure that you...?"

I knew what she was asking, and I hated that she had to ask it probably as much as she did. "Of course," I said firmly, feeling my heart twinge just a little even though I was not lying. "Annabeth, I love him."

For a minute I was tempted to tell her all of it – about the way I'd felt when he'd died and I'd gone after him, about the way I'd felt at the funeral pyre, about the pull in my stomach and how I knew, just knew, that I would never let him go. I almost told her how I knew in my heart that I would follow Nico to Kronos' side and back again, if it came to that.

That thought sobered me just as it had the first time, making my stomach cold but strengthening my resolve all at once. After all, wasn't loyalty supposed to be my fatal flaw? But was that what this was? How could I ever choose to give Nico up – to give up on Nico?

In the end, I couldn't bring myself to say it after all. Not after everything Annabeth had said. Even if it hadn't sounded horrible and traitorous (and maybe it was, not that Nico had gone to the Titan's side, mind you, but still), I just couldn't say it right now.

I swallowed. "I really, really love him," I repeated to her, so quietly that I could barely hear the words myself. But they were enough.

Annabeth nodded. "I know," she said. "So if you want help... you know, figuring this out and helping him and everything... I will."

I couldn't help but smile at that. After all, here was Annabeth, right on the tail of telling me I was an idiot because I hadn't been respecting her at all lately and she was still offering to help me save the boy I loved. I couldn't have asked for a better friend in the world, and she had to know it way before I did.

"I'd... really appreciate that," I said, and I meant it.