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Once upon a time there was an author. EDelta88 was what they called him. He didn't own the Naruto series and because of this he was very sad. The End…
Chapter 10: The Curse of Team 7
"Hm, Konoha again… I'm beginning to see a pattern here."
'No shit Sherlock.'
"Keep digging Watson."
'… am I ever going to win one of these word spars…'
"Theoretically it's possible; however, I find the likelihood of such an occurrence coming to pass highly improbable."
'Friggin oversized plushie and his overly complicated explanations.'
"Did you just call me a plushie, fleshbag?"
'What you going deaf or maybe some stuffing in your ears?'
"Why you little-"
Konoha, Hokage's office
It's been more then a month now since Naruto's disappearance, word had gotten out that he had left, it was odd really, at first she'd expected requests to mark him as a missing nin to be coming in daily from the council but none had come, later Homura had told her that they had decided that until Naruto showed signs of being a threat to the village they didn't want to make him one (surprisingly Danzo was the one to make that reasoning). Then somehow Hiashi had managed to explain away Hinata's absence without revealing anything… she still had no idea how he'd managed it, maybe there was some hidden aspect of the Hyuuga bloodline that made one a master bullshitter.
All in all things weren't nearly as bad as she'd expected them to be, most people were off her back, the paperwork wasn't multiplying like rabbits, everything seemed to be going well… too well in fact. Somehow she just knew this wasn't going to last but none of the usual bad omens were showing up so whatever was probably wouldn't be too bad, most likely just a pain in her ass.
Either way, here she was sitting in her office, sipping sake, doing paperwork, and wondering why everything seemed to be turning on its head when Jiraiya popped through the window, "Seriously does no one use a door anymore," she muttered.
"Oh lighten up hime," he said, "besides I have some information that might interest you."
"Oh?" she asked, perhaps his spy network had picked up something on Naruto?
Sadly, no such luck.
"I've been getting some weird reports, at first I thought there had to be a mistake but after some double checking it seems that our old teammate is-" but before he could finish a booming voice carried over the entire village.
"JIRAIIIYAAAA!!!"
"-headed this way," Jiraiya finished lamely, not a moment later Tsunade's door was kicked open and in waltzed Orochimaru with a very confused looking Sasuke in tow. Evidently Orochimaru using the front door was just so outrageous a tactic that everyone had been too stunned to stop him from walking all the way through the village and into the Hokage's office.
"Jiraiya, your idiot student if fucking up the Team 7 Plot Dynamic!" Orochimaru raged getting right in the surprised sennin's face.
Jiraiya blinked before intelligently responding, "Um... what?"
"The Plot Dynamic you WHITE HAIRED NINNY! I EXPLAINED THIS YEARS AGO!!!" Orochimaru screamed before going off on a tangent about what an idiot Jiraiya was and how his idiocy was fucking up the cosmic order of the universe.
As this was happening Tsunade sat behind her desk completely dumbfounded by the situation she found herself in, her former teammate, one of the most infamous missing nin in the history of the Hidden Villages had just walked into her office and was chewing Jiraiya out... what the fuck? She turned to Sasuke, "You know what this is about?"
Sasuke shook his head, "A few days ago he got word that Naruto had left Konoha and then he well…" he motioned to where the Hebi Sennin was still verbally abusing Jiraiya.
It was at this moment that the sheer audacity of the situation wore off and Tsunade remembered just who it was she was talking too, "You got a lot of guts walking back in here after what you pulled," she growled while glaring at the young Uchiha.
Sasuke blinked, "Eh?"
"Running away to a known enemy of the village, attempting to kill your teammate-" she began only for Sasuke to interrupted her before she could really get into her stride.
"Attempting to kill my teammate? What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke asked confusedly.
This only upset Tsunade more, "I'm talking about that little stunt of yours shoving Chidori through Naruto's chest!" she snapped.
Sasuke sweat dropped giving her a deadpan look, "You've fought with Naruto before…right?" he asked.
Tsunade nodded wondering where this was going, this is not at all how she had pictured this going… then again she'd never expected Uchiha (much less Orochimaru) to walk right into her office.
"Then you should know just how fucking resilient he tends to be," Sasuke explained, still using a calm tone.
Tsunade blinked, "You mean you weren't trying to kill him?"
Sasuke shook his head, "If there is one thing I've learned about Naruto it is that he does not stay down. So no, if I had wanted to kill him I'd need something a LOT bigger then Chidori. In fact I'll bet everything I did only kept him down for a couple of days."
Again Tsunade blinked (that seemed to be happening a lot today), that was true the wounds that Sasuke had inflicted had only been an issue for a day or two, it had been the backlash from using Kyuubi's chakra that had really been a problem, "But how do you explain running off to join Orochimaru?"
Frowning at the older woman Sasuke replied, "It's not like I was planning on staying forever, I needed to find a way to control my curse seal otherwise I was a liability and anything else I learned was just a bonus, once that was done I would have just come back here."
Now it was Tsunade's turn to sweat drop, "You had that all planned out… and you didn't think to tell any of us about this why?"
Sasuke blinked, "Oh…"
Throwing her hands up in exasperation Tsunade cries, "'Oh' he says, almost gets himself marked as a missing nin, causes no end of paperwork and headaches for me, directly and indirectly puts five of his peers in the hospital, and all he can say is 'Oh'… where's my sake?" she mumbles while digging through the drawers of her desk only to resurface a few moments later with a fresh bottle just as Orochimaru finished his tirade, "Oh and you! What the fuck has your panties in a twist? I suppose you have some convoluted, fantastic, and overly complicated yet oddly believable explanation for walking into my office when there is an enormous price on your head?"
"His student is fucking with the Plot Dynamic," Orochimaru growled, pointing an accusing finger at Jiraiya.
Rolling her eyes at his childish antics, "I keep hearing about this, "Plot Dynamic" was it? What the fuck is it?"
Sighing in defeat and grumbling about people who don't listen the first time Orochimaru explained, "The Team 7 Plot Dynamic is… well I guess you could call it a curse," he began, "through a phenomenon in the Konoha logistics system there has only ever been one Team 7 per generation, the cell always consists of, as I have labeled them: The Genius, The Idiot, and The Fangirl-"
"I wasn't that bad," Tsunade grumbled.
"Yes you were," Jiraiya and Orochimaru chorused.
Then, continuing as though there hadn't been an interruption, "- and is always lead by a member of the previous Team 7. Each Team 7 is destined for two things, greatness and tragedy. I've managed to narrow down their specific roles somewhat, though it seems that the role can also be accomplished indirectly…" he paused looking around, "Do you have any large sheets of paper or a dry erase board around here I need to make a flow chart."
"One sec," Jiraiya muttered as he brought out his giant scroll, "Lets see here, I know I have it here somewhere, tent… ink… pencils… ah here it is," he said unsealing a large pad of paper attached to a tripod, then noticing Tsunade was staring at him he asked, "What?"
"Friggin boy scout," she muttered to which Jiraiya just smiled before handing the board and a marker over to Orochimaru.
"Thank you, now before I get started with the roles there have been five Team 7s to date, First there was Team Senju under the Senju brothers consisting of Sarutobi-sensei and the current elders Koharu and Homura. Then came the three of us," he pointed to Tsunade, Jiraiya, and himself all the while writing out the Team 7 Timeline, "under Sarutobi-senei. After that was Jiraiya's team with Hyuuga Hiashi, Namikaze Minato, and Unoha Fu. Then Minato taught, Obito, Rin and Kakashi who went on to teach the current Team 7. "
"Anyway the roles go as so," Orochimaru said, "The Genius will always in some way shape or form abandon the team. The Idiot will prove to be a late bloomer and become one of the greatest ninja of the generation, he will also in some way shape or form bring The Genius back to the team, and will always die in battle usually to achieve a sacrificial victory. The Fangirl will eventually clean up her act becoming one of the strongest Kunoichi of her generation and will be seen as a role model by the future generations. Any questions?"
"Uchiha Obito died before becoming a Jounin," Tsunade pointed out.
"True," Orochimaru admitted, "but his eye is what allows Kakashi-kun to be the Copycat ninja so indirectly Obito is the Copycat."
"You're counting Homura as The Genius of sensei's team, right?" Jiraiya asked, Sarutobi-sensei had said that he was a late bloomer after all, Orochimaru nodded, "How did he abandon the team?"
"Mission went bad, he fucked up, shit happened, he decided to quit, then Sarutobi-sensei showed him some tough love and all was better," he quipped causing Tsunade and Jiraiya wince, they remembered their sensei's "Tough Love" all too well.
"I'm assuming you're citing Hiashi's obsession with becoming the perfect clan head as his abandonment and Minato dragging him to a bar as bringing him back?" Jiraiya asked, Orochimaru nodded.
"Hey wasn't that the incident where Hiashi and Hikari got together?" Tsunade asked.
Jiraiya grinned, "Yep."
Yet another nuance of the Hyuuga bloodline it seemed, and that Minato had inadvertently exposed, was that the men of the Hyuuga clan can't hold their liquor to save their life while the woman get very hot and bothered… and aggressive.
Smiling at the memory Tsunade turned back to Orochimaru, "Next question, how do you expect to "Return to the team" with all the shit you've pulled?"
Orochimaru just stared at her blankly, "…You haven't read the Ongoing Black Ops files… have you."
Tsunade blushed, "Well no with everything that's been going on I haven't had the…wait," her eyes turned to the sized of dinner plates before narrowing dangerously, "are you telling me that all of this shit from you for the past decade has been one elaborate mission?" she asked in a tone that could freeze saltwater.
Starting to fidget nervously Orochimaru nodded.
"And that all of the evidence of your crimes against Konoha that caused you to leave was fabricated?" she continued, slowly rising from her chair
"Y-yes," he answered fearfully.
"And that all your illegal operations, experiments, and actions against Konoha fabricated or otherwise during that time were done with the knowledge and approval of the Sandaime?" now she was bearing down on her old teammate.
By this point Orochimaru was sweating bullets as he backed away from the enraged Hokage.
"Am I also to assume that during all this time that you never thought to tell either of us about this?"
Orochimaru blinked, "…Oh."
Rubbing her temples in a valiant effort to control her temper, "'Oh' he says, it would seem that another aspect of The Genius is they forget the little things," she mutters as she walks back to her desk, "My last question, what was the purpose of the Suna/Oto invasion?"
"Mostly it was a mass assassination of anti-Konoha elements on all sides," Orochimaru answered, "It also served so remind a great many that just because were are not at war does not mean we can afford to be lazy."
"And killing Sarutobi-sensei?"
"He was terminally ill, all his smoking finally caught up with him and he didn't want to die in a hospital bed. Had we fought a month earlier I have no doubt that he would have sealed more than just my arms, bit overboard with the realism though."
It was at this point that a thought struck Jiraiya, "You said that the roles could be completed indirectly right?" he asked, eye's sparkling mischievously.
"…Yes," Orochimaru responded cautiously, he did not like that look in Jiraiya's eye, nothing good ever came of that look.
"In that case my work is done," he said, leaning back into his chair and smiling smugly, "Oh and Naruto's too," he added.
Orochimaru blinked, "Say what now?"
If possible Jiraiya's grin got even more smug, "You are here because of my 'Idiot Student' therefore, indirectly, I have brought you back and because you brought Sasuke with you Naruto as the cause of you coming back has, indirectly, brought Sasuke back."
Orochimaru blinks staring amazedly at Jiraya, "So your genius does encompass more than literature," everybody stares dumbfounded at him, "What? Did you think I was gay or something? That tongue trick of mine wasn't originally for combat."
End Notes
Ok I just realized something I have more alerts for this story then I do reviews, what's up with that?
CHALLENGE
If anyone can write a better version of Hiashi's freakout episode in "It Just Sank In" I will replace the scene.
The Team 7 Plot Dynamic
The Genius(overly serious), the Idiot(late bloomer), and the Fan Girl
There is only ever one Team 7 per generation (some phenomenon of logistics…no one can explain it)
Team Senju
Team Sarutobi
Team Jiraiya
Team Minato
Team 7
The Genius always somehow abandons the team
Homura: a mission went bad (Homura screwed up) and he was going to leave the team
Orochimaru: went missing nin
Hiashi: left the team to take over the clan, basically immersed himself in becoming the perfect leader
Kakashi: mission first comrades later
Sasuke: went to Orochimaru for power
The Idiot rises to become one of the greatest of his generation (occasionally indirectly, ie Obito) always dies in battle going out in the proverbial blaze of glory and always somehow manages to bring the genius back.
Sarutobi: Hokage, died against Orochimaru, smacked Homura around and dragged his sorry ass back
Jiraiya: Sennin, death is pending, brought Oro back indirectly through Naruto
Minato: Hokage, died sealing the fox, dragged Hiashi out of the compound and got him drunk (that's how Hiashi met his wife)
Obito: He's half of the copycat, died saving Kakashi, his death's effect on Kakashi and giving him his eye
Naruto: a work in progress, to be determined, his actions got Orochimaru to return bringing Sasuke with him
The Fan Girl: eventually cleans up her act and becomes a powerful Kunoichi and a role model for future generations of Kunoichi.