Silent Boom Chapter 10

A/N … I tend to ramble when writing notes... sorry.

Major angst in this chapter with things probably going darker than most will expect it wasn't my original plan just the way the mind has worked. I'm going with the story that is coming out. There are some serious dark forces at work. Time heals all, but right now time and sleep deprivation are working against everyone. Stress is driving it all and all the characters are OOC in their own ways. The twists and turns are falling somewhat in line with where I thought, but not exactly. I've tried to rewrite this and for some reason all the variations come to pretty much the same end point for this chapter. I'm going to post and see how badly it's hated – I expect a lot of people will not like where the story is heading. I've known all along that both Castle and Beckett were going to suffer break downs that they were carrying too much emotional baggage ... It's fixable ... With time.

Previously …

Castle asked Beckett did she want to talk about the personal situation or the case. Despite how raw the night before had ended she did not hesitate. She immediately asked about the team talking to Castle privately concerning the case. Castle had expected it that didn't stop the painful shot to his chest, Martha saw it, so did Lanie, others missed the look but recognized that Kate had made a choice without thinking the case was her first choice. That left the elephant in the room for after lunch.

Kate was barely eating she picked the cheese and pepperoni off the slice of pizza. It was wonderful. A few forkfuls of salad and she had enough. There was just too much to think about and she knew that the sooner they got the conversation over with the better. Once she had her say Castle would stop being so selfish and in time things would go back to the way they were … well if somehow she and the boys could go back to work and then Castle would be her partner.

Looking around everyone was busy eating and she needed some space. She looked out the window and realized it was really raining hard, lightning out on the horizon … okay so the patio was out. She stood up and felt someone touch her arm … "Oh sorry daddy, I just need a few minutes." A soft kiss to his cheek and she walked off down the hall to the part of the loft Castle never seemed to use.

There were several rooms that he said they just didn't need. There was an open area with more bookshelves she vaguely remembers seeing them a long time ago, must have been the first time she was there he gave her a grand tour. Something seemed different, but she couldn't place it. She wandered further down the hall.

There was a door open to her right she looked in and wondered "When did Castle have a workout room installed? That was new it wasn't here before." Made a mental note to ask him later it had everything she liked to use. A little further down was the last door it was open even from twenty feet away she could see a lot of boxes. Her natural curiosity pushed her forward as she stepped into the room she realized it was full of moving boxes, marked with the contents and dated 3/27/12 … 3/28/12 … a few with earlier dates and some with none.

At first she just stood there not really understanding and then it hit home. Castle, had packed things up to move, but Shaw had said the decision for protective custody was just made and moving teams were at their homes. This meant Castle was already leaving. Her rage flared the S.O.B., was moving and he hadn't bothered to tell her. He was her partner … was … loved … Castle had been using a lot of past tense in his sentences. She glanced at her father's watch it was definitely time to straighten things out to talk. She turned and angrily marched back to the kitchen.

"Alright Castle it's time we talked when were you going to tell me you were moving and where are you going? I want some answers and I want them now." Everyone turned to look at her after the outburst. Castle just started laughing. "What's so damn funny writer-boy?"

"You are Detective. Actually you are rather pathetic, it's taken you nearly twenty four hours to notice. I won't even comment about the fact that you are now demanding answers that you want to talk. I will ask you again are you sure you want to do this or would you rather just shake and go our separate ways? I know you thought I was finished last night rest assured I still have a few more things to say. So?"

"Fine, please go ahead and bring it on."

"Oh no you can go ahead just what answers is it you want? Only about moving or do you have other questions of course we're all still waiting for your response to what I told you and asked you last night."

"I've got lots of questions, but answer me about moving first."

"Yes, we're moving."

"Were you going to tell me?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"When was I going to tell you?"

"No, when are you moving?"

"Tomorrow, but that has changed."

"Explain."

"I'm not sure exactly when. You will know before I go."

"arrghhh."

"It's no fun to want answers and get generalizations is it Kate?"

"What … of course not why are you acting like an uncooperative witness?

"I'm still waiting for you to answer my questions from last night. You did plan on explaining your lies and actions over the years didn't you or do you only want to talk about the things that are important to you? By the way think about that for a minute I need to use the little boys' room." The sarcasm was heavy and he didn't wait for an answer.

The pause in the conversation allowed everyone to put their plates over by the sink as Martha asked and to get settled in the living room. Martha pulled Jim to the side and asked him to sit near her so she could try to fill him in on things he didn't know. She also apologized for Rick's behavior. "Martha I surely don't understand all this, but I know Rick and for him to be acting this way Katie must have done some damage she can be her own worst enemy at times." They went to join the others.

Kate stood fuming while waiting for Rick. When he came back in the room he walked over and poured himself a drink.

"Rick, why do you need a scotch?"

"Who said I need one? … Oh, I'm not allowed to want one is that it?"

"Rick, just stop."

"Our conversation is over?"

"No just stop acting like this."

"Kate my mother is the actress. This is still my home for a little while longer and if I want a drink in my home I will have one. You have no right to question that. Now either answer the questions and points from last night or if you have some burning question then by all means ask. But if you don't start talking we will be out of time."

"Rick? Why"

"Kate, I just told you there are things that need to be said. We don't have a lot of time. I also imagine that that your friends have questions or comments as well." Kate kept hearing and thinking about the word time. What was going on her lack of sleep was making it hard to think and to stay rational she wanted to scream, yell, do anything to get Rick to stop running and to come back to her.

"Why did you keep it a secret? I had the right to know."

"Kate, look at your father, then at all your friends and at my family. Roy and your dad knew that you would run straight back at the rabbit hole, you told me yourself you were afraid of that. Add to it the threat that if you did go down the hole again you would be killed. I understand you don't care what it would do to me, but I know you care what it would do to everyone and especially your father. That's why and if that's not good enough well then you really are a lost cause."

Of course she cared how could he possibly say she didn't care, did he believe that? "Rick please do not say that of course I care about how it affected you and everyone. Why do you think I don't care?"

"Because you never asked at least you never asked what I went through, your only comment was about the dedication in the book. You didn't want to know what I dealt with or if I needed to talk about the months without you. You expected me to pick up and follow you wherever you decided to go."

Jim Beckett cut Kate off before she said more …

"Katie stop your mother would be broken by this, she had dreams for you, for your life. Throwing your life away chasing her killer was never one of those dreams. No more you need to let others do it. I begged Rick to protect you, to get you to stop. He kept the secret for me and to keep you alive. He did so knowing that you would be hurt, and angry.

He's a good man and I know he's smart lord knows you have told me that yourself. You have to recognize that he kept the secret knowing it would likely cost him your love. Enough already if you won't tell him then tell me when did you stop loving him? Why did you play with his feelings? I've only heard pieces of what was said, but I don't like what I am hearing it sounds like you used him. That's not the daughter that your mother and I raised. So talk and don't you dare try to avoid answering. I won't have it."

Beckett is clearly stunned her father thinks she used Rick. Oh no they want to know then fine. No one misses the anger build up.

"Rick, you're wrong. Yes I lied. I needed to sort things out I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I needed time." She droned on for a bit, but never says she loves him. She would have kept going if Rick had not jumped up and grabbed her, leaning down into her face.

"Kate. I don't want an apology I want to know why. The truth not the excuses and not just about the lie, but why you have strung me along for the last four years rather than telling me you were not interested. Why you can date and sleep with whoever you want if I do that it creates resentment and jealousy? Why do you tease because is stopped being flirting a long time ago? Think about all that was said last night and give real answers or don't, but no more dodging. You owe yourself that. Why couldn't you have just said you only wanted friendship? I could have done that."

"Rick, you promised always."

"So did you. It's been a painful lesson to learn that my always and yours were not the same. You only want friends when I thought you wanted more. We will always be friends. I will always do anything I can for you within the boundaries of friends. I can't turn off a switch and pretend I don't love you. I need time and space probably lots of it."

"But I don't want that I want always. You said you would wait."

"True, and I waited then found out you lied you had plenty of time to tell me the truth. Now it's too late to be just friends and be able to work together."

"No. We are partners. I need my partner back. I can't do my job without my partner."

Rick's patience is growing thin and he snaps back … "That's too bad Beckett. Because we aren't partners we haven't been for some time, partners don't lie. It's always about what you need when you need it."

"Rick that's not fair your needs are important to me. You never need anything though you have it all and you love being my partner, you said you love me. Was that a lie?

Laine jumps up and slaps Beckett …

"Kate you apologize right now. Rick has done more to make you happier than should be needed. He's waited for you. You put him through hell for months when you deserted him last summer. He was in agony that no one could help him with. He's put his life on the line time and again. For over three years he has patiently waited, what more do you want from him?

Alexis was right you need to love him or let him go quit playing girl. You don't have any idea what he needs or what he went through apparently. I was sure you had at least asked him that you had talked to him. Lord knows you never asked me what I went through and Castle had to have been a thousand times worse. I was so happy to have you back I let it go, but you barely called me … I still can't believe you let him think for ten months that you did not remember what he told you. I've been telling you to talk to him and you kept telling me you would, but it's the wrong time. Close your mouth the flies will get in. You need to think I suggest you take a few minutes and use that wonderful brain of yours before you … oh never mind you already made your choice you just won't own up to it."

"Wha-What do you mean I made my choice?"

"Figure it out. As for the rest of you speak up she needs to hear from all of us and then she needs to wise up. I'm done. Rick, Alexis, Martha I apologize I should have knocked some sense into her sooner. It's asking a lot, but can you give us a little time. I'll come get you okay?"

Alexis reaches over and takes her dad's hand, she turns to her grandmother who shakes her head no. "I'm staying kiddo. I have a few things to say, but for now I will listen besides Kate may need someone to support her." Rick and Alexis go to his office.

Javi is torn, "Beckett I have to know. Look me in the eye and don't you dare lie. If you do I promise you we will never work together again. All of us thought you loved him were we that wrong about you?"

"No, I do love him."

"Then what's the problem?

"I need time he promised."

"Beckett he kept the promise, he's given you time. You aren't being fair so you better figure out your explanation. I think your time is running out quickly. I'm going to get some air it's rather stale in here."

The others are just as hard if not harder on her. Shaw in particular, "Kate you weren't blind to what he has felt all this time. I've listened to you profess your love, it pains me to say this, but what I see isn't love. It's needy, it's selfish and I'm ashamed of you. He's given you complete devotion and unconditional love. Have you given him anything beyond false hope? I'm going to ask you a question and yes I realize Martha and your father are five feet from us. Have you been so cruel that you teased him as he said, flirted with him shamelessly, flaunted your boyfriends and in four years of time you have kissed him once and that was to distract a lookout?

Please tell me that you've been sleeping with him secretly all this time that you haven't been the tease that he described. I consider you a friend, but if you can deny that you love him and you can deny his love for you then cut him loose. If you're frigid then seek help. Whatever you do level with him and most importantly yourself ... ahhh; you're blushing … so perhaps you're not the ice queen you have been acting like."

Jim was next …

"Katie, is what they are saying true? That for the last nearly four years you have teased and flirted with him and you have denied both of you … I'm no prude and I certainly didn't want details, but Katie look at me. Am I understanding this correctly Rick really told everyone last night that you two have never shared so much as a kiss that was truly your own and it was the truth?"

"Yes he did and yes Rick was telling the truth."

"Katie you've got to stop, no more denial, you need to fix this mess. Rick has made you the happiest I have ever seen you. You fight it you feel you owe it to your mom, but you don't she would … it would destroy her to know you are wasting your life chasing a ghost. Your friends over there are hurt by your behavior. The man you claim to love is in the other room about to walk away. How you can be so good at your job and so bad at what's really important? I'm going to talk to Rick. You've got ten minutes young lady."

Kate has never been so alone when surrounded by so many who claim to love her. The walls are going up higher and she's retreating into her protective mode. She has been shutting down the comments refusing to understand, damn it she was promised always and that he would wait.

If she's so bad for him then she needs to do the right thing and cut him loose only she desperately wants to hold on and never let go. She finally convinces herself the only way to cut him loose is to fight and fight dirty, make him hate her. Make him lash out so that all the little things and the really big things are reduced to ashes. So she can hate too, she can let go. Then she can go back to the heartless bitch that she had become prior to meeting her one and done. She wasn't worthy of his love. It's not rational it's too late for that.

She would come out swinging not just at Rick. She would show them. Thirteen-years of anger and pain all the suffering, all the ugliness of countless brutal crime scenes came pouring out. It was long overdue … it was a nuclear winter by the time she was done.

She tore into Lanie about hiding her relationship with Javi. With Javi she questioned his intentions towards Lanie and whether he wasn't suffering PTSD just as much as she was.

With Kevin and Jenny she just lashed out about no one was that happy all the time so surely their love wasn't real.

Captain Gates got off pretty easy just called a bitch for being mean all the time and especially for not recognizing Castle's good work at least to those in the precinct.

Her father was next … "come on my daddy dearest you're ashamed of me really? Where were you when I needed you? You're not a prude… really have you been with a woman since mom died? How come I never met her? You need to fix your love life and not worry about mine!"

"Martha, you know I thought of you as a surrogate mom the last year, but really shouldn't you have your own home at your age?"

Everyone actually understood it was exhaustion and fear that had caused her to break. The comments hurt, but they would be forgiven. Kate Beckett had just been pushed too far. She had been pushing so hard for so long it finally came back to bite her and her family.

But then she went too far … Jordan was standing next to Castle. Alexis was across the room sitting between her grams and Grandpa Jim as he had asked her to call him. Kate went after Jordan and Castle at the same time.

"You know Jordan I'm beginning to wonder if you don't want Castle or is it me? Kate purred in a very flirtatious voice. You've been awfully interested in our love life since we first met … let's see." Shocking everyone Kate kissed Jordan and it wasn't a chaste kiss … it wasn't long … but it was effective … the looks on Jordan's and Castle's faces were priceless utter and complete shock.

The thoughts inside all three of their heads were not something to be shared with the others. Kate and Jordan both had nearly identical thoughts … "Damn I haven't done that since my first year in college." Tipsy/drunk sorority girls do wild and crazy things on spring break. Castle wanted to scream like a girl, but knew it was a one-time thing and completely inappropriate thoughts ran through his overly active imagination in about a second.

A tired and angry cop was dangerous and Kate was all three. She went into interrogation mode. "Ahhh ... Ricky I see you liked that. So tell us would that meet your needs?" She paused to catch her breath after lashing out it had been quick and she was out of breath. Rick dove in trying to protect her.

"Kate, stop it. That is not what I need … "The problem was he was tired too and not really able to effectively end her tirade. "You don't know what I need nor do you care enough to find out." He said softly.

Kate was wounded, how dare he, keep saying she didn't care. She was acting like a fool to get through to him that she cared that she would do anything. "Damn Rick I love you! How dare you say I don't know what you need? You need sex apparently. That's what everyone keeps telling me."

"No Kate, I want that of course, but that's not what I need."

"Then what do you need Rick. Spit it out stop dancing around ask and it's yours."

"Kate it's too bad you didn't ask before. But you already made your choice, I've been telling you for nearly four years. I need you all of you. I needed always with you and only you."

"Then why Rick why didn't you talk to me, tell me you heard, tell me what you need, you promised to wait and now you are leaving?"

"Because you chose your rabbit hole months ago you crawled into it and never came back out you hid waiting for your next chance to hunt, you sucked the life out of me and when I needed you shut me out and strung me along hoping, begging that when you said you needed time it was for us, but even then you told me the real truth … you would never be ready until … " He didn't need to finish.

"Rick, I would never choose the case over you and always."

"Kate you always choose the case you have for thirteen years. This morning I asked you did you want to talk about us or the case, you never hesitated you went right into the case."

"Damn it Rick that's not true there were people here to talk about the case it wasn't fair to keep them waiting and they certainly didn't need to hear about us."

"No they didn't Kate, but there were things they could have been doing. You could have said I want to talk about us, but we need to deal with the case so the agents didn't have to wait. You never thought to say that you made your choice. You told me six months ago you couldn't have a relationship until the case was solved. That may never happen and I'm through wasting time. I'm finished being the silent obedient lap dog that obediently follows you."

"Rick, you said you would wait forever as long as I needed. I don't get it what changed you have a sudden need that you are telling me about?"

"Kate, I watched you die. I confessed my love and I've waited. I can't wait any longer. I have needs that you can't meet, that you don't want to meet, hell you don't even want to know them. You always avoid talking … now it's too late. Besides your actions have shown you don't want me as anything other than a friend?"

Kate's beyond spent she's in a desperate rage she lets fly an unfiltered barrage … "What is it Castle, you need me to promise sex three times a week? I can do that. Do you need me to promise to comfort you while Alexis is off to college? Stand by you when she marries and it breaks your heart yet again? Cry tears of joy when she has babies? I realize all of those are things you need. I thought you knew I want all of that." She sees a brief look of pain at the mention of Alexis."

"My god if your baby girl growing up is that painful why didn't you have more kids, you had the means? No doubt you could have found a woman willing."

Too late she realized how that sounded. She knew that Meredith had cheated and run off and that his marriage to Gina was never all that good though she had never asked why. The simple explanation she got she had known from the start wasn't the whole story. She just didn't want to know. She had never cared enough about that marriage to ask she realized. It wasn't that she didn't care about Castle.

The deep sorrow that overcame Castle was bad really bad, she saw how deep it cut. That knowledge cut off the next statement Kate was about to make1, the one that had Kate said it before anything else would have made everyone's year.

"I'll walk away on one condition marry me today." … The one statement that would have given a faint hope even this late in the game if she had only said it, the game changer would have stopped the end game. She thought she was too late.

Instead when she said no more Rick did …

"Kate I was waiting for you. You don't have the same dream. I thought you did. The case is your life. I hope one day you solve it and there is still time for you. Don't wait too long Kate you are extraordinary and deserve to be happy do it for yourself, do it for your mom." It was a simple statement by a broken man.

He turned and walked away, into his office. Kate started to follow Alexis cut her off. As soon as Kate realized she was there she looked into the young woman's face, she expected anger, instead she saw pity and anguished sorrow.

Jordan was already going after Rick. Martha was sobbing in Jim's arms. Jim was furious with his daughter, she deserved whatever she got … Kate couldn't have agreed more.

In a cold and terrified, voice … "Kate you have no idea what you've just done, or how wrong you are. I have to go deal with the mess you have made. You stay right where you are don't you dare move, don't you dare cry. If you do I promise you that you will rue the day you ever met me. If you run know that I will hunt you down. You can't run far enough or fast enough now promise me you won't move I will be back."

Everyone in the room was amazed at the depth of Alexis's statement. It was full of controlled anger and deep hurt. Few people stood up to Kate Beckett, even fewer stopped her in her tracks as Alexis had done.

"I promise." Alexis ran to her father, she was surprised to find Jordan with him. Jordan was watching she knew not to try to console the visibly distraught wonderful man.

"Alexis I will go make sure that no more damage is done. You know Kate loves him she just failed to understand that lie stole the time they needed. Time they didn't have to spare. I do understand."

"Send Lanie please I may need her help, grams isn't going to be up to it for a while."

Jim was talking to Martha "I think you should lie down I will get Jenny and Vicki, okay?"

Martha slowly gets up instead of going to the stairs she walks over to Kate. "Look at me Kate. My son was right both of you are bloodied now. It's a shame you didn't fight that hard for him.

I've watched you two lock horns for the last four years both so scared of being hurt you were frozen in place. You think you feel bad now I assure you it's going to get worse.

The heart wants what the heart wants … your hearts want each other. I will be back before Richard. You need to think carefully about what you will say before we leave later.

I know what you promised Alexis she wasn't thinking clearly go over there and sit down. I do think it best you don't cry that's not meant to punish you Alexis was protecting her dad.

If he sees you crying when he comes back well I do believe you know. You do not want him out of his pity and you crying would ensure that he would run back begging to wait for you. Its past time for waiting I'm sorry you had no idea just how great your love was."

Javi, Kevin, Lanie and Jordan walk over to her. Javi speaks first … "Detective do you have any idea what you have done?" She doesn't respond his cold use of Detective instead of her name a sharp rebuttal.

Lanie was next "Kate I'm beyond words right now. Did you hear yourself? Nothing, but what you need. I this and I that, only when you were raging did you talk about anyone else's need your decision to shut us all out. We're not through with this. I'm going to go check on him. You will fix it or spend the rest of your life trying. You know what you need to do to start, but not until Alexis has her say."

Kate nods the tears welling in her eyes she turns her head to look at Jordan.

"Kate he's not good, it will be a while. I'm disappointed, but I am still your friend. Everyone is it won't feel like it for a while. I think you know what you need to do. Making things right will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Kevin please get Kate a glass of water and a cool damp towel."

Jordan gently touches Kate's hand a simple gesture and then she is gone. She walks away.

Jordan finds Vicki out on the patio. Gates is crying, "That was brutal. Such a tragedy in time Kate will be so much better for it. A better person, free to finally love and even better detective if that is possible. The price all of us paid for that is steep.

I tried to talk to her to tell her that her team would be running the investigation just not out in the field. She was blinded by her assumption. She ran straight at him with the intent to make him pay because she thought he was responsible for her being taken off the case. Damn she's stubborn."

"She's still blinded … she's stronger than she realizes, but you might want to have her psychologist and an EMT team nearby." Gates pulls her phone out to make some calls.

Kate Beckett sits waiting there's noise, but she's not hearing anything after all no one is talking to her.

Additional note ...

While some do not like extra characters or point out other shortcomings (that I do need to fix just not right now) in order to get the story told before tomorrow's show I will move things along. Perhaps there is a FAQ or some type of format to fanfic that I'm not aware of. If so I would appreciate someone letting me know, where to read it. I do need to work on my punctuation and grammar I explained that earlier I thought.

I was surprised at the objections to the NCIS team, but hey that's why there are reviews to let us know what works and doesn't. It works for some and it doesn't for others. Since, it is still an issue for some I will leave the following explanation. One thought though for those who questioned it. The characters were put into the story, quickly left and that was all, in other words, they are background/subtext … why not wait and see what happens instead of assuming they are taking over and will be the ones to solve the case? Now as I type that I understand the concern just was surprised that it was assumed they would solve the case or play a major role. I've seen plenty of fanfics with background characters dropped in.

The reason I chose the NCIS team is simple. Gibbs was a sniper, the weapon came from a SEAL, when Kate was shot they were quickly cut off from channels when the case was put on inactive status. Add to that the team didn't know who to trust … Castle does he calls a guy … who happens to have people who are very talented and can possibly help. They know they are dealing with something much bigger than Johanna Beckett's murder. Someone with a lot of power is involved in a conspiracy of yet unknown size and scope. It's nearly a year later and the team needs help. Three detectives and a writer working alone would be no match for someone with the resources to hire Coonan and Lockwood, to break Lockwood in a daring prison escape. The story arc in the show was unrealistic – two hit men, the murder in the prison, a black op prison break, Captain murdered and Beckett shot … can anyone say "task force" …

Sorry for the long note, but wanted to try and clear up some things and explain that yes the crazy turn is on purpose. Even though it came about slightly different than I first thought it would.