Chapter 9: Death Wish

"Are you alright?"

Justin Herr had only spent one day with Cameron Phillips but he was already sick of that question. He wasn't alright and she knew it. His arms were burning from having to keep them up to steer, his legs were going numb, his mind was racing faster than he could comprehend, and he was terrified. His eyes were strained and his entire body was tense as their jeep bounced over the rough terrain. It was a miracle that they hadn't been spotted by any of Skynet's patrols but he knew their luck was going to run out soon. But he didn't believe in miracles anymore. And worst of all, he couldn't think of anything to say to her. He licked his dry lips and shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"I guess."

He could feel her eyes lock onto him and felt uncomfortable. For the entire ride she had been practically hanging outside the jeep with her gun ready to shoot at any metal or human that dared to attack them. Her arms had to have burned as much as he did but she didn't appear to show it. But now she was actually sitting in the jeep, looking straight at him and it was even more nerve-wracking. Cameron's long brown hair was blowing ferociously in the wind and hung in front of her face but she had given up pushing it back and just continued on.

"What's on your mind?"

Justin contemplated speaking for a moment, wondering if he was brave enough to look at her and say what was on his mind. But as he watched the road ahead of them, he decided just to say it.

"We haven't been caught. Skynet hasn't killed us."

"Maybe Skynet's busy."

"Really, Cameron? Too busy to notice two people in a Resistance jeep traveling quickly? It's a machine! Surely it has to have deployed a scout or something to fly over and make sure there's no activity. But it hasn't. You've been holding that gun all day, waiting, but nothing's happened. Shouldn't the Lieutenant General contact us or something to make sure we're okay? But there's nothing. It just doesn't make sense."

Cameron nodded slowly as she turned the safety on and placed the gun on her lap with a small sigh. Then she pulled a hair tie and put her hair back in a ponytail as she spoke, matter of factly.

"I have no doubt that Skynet has been watching us."

Justin's heart momentarily stopped as he shot a glance at her.

"What!?"

"There has been air patrol, I just didn't tell you. You were nervous enough having to drive the jeep."

Justin's mouth dropped open as he looked between the road and back at her.

"Is… is it still following us?"

"No, it left a couple of hours ago."

Justin shook his head with disbelief as his heart began to rapidly pump adrenaline back into him. Cameron shifted in her seat so that she was facing him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Look, Skynet hasn't taken us out yet because it wants to watch us. Its plotting every course we could possibly take, trying to figure out why we're out here. But one thing I know for sure is that it knows we are Resistance. It knows we have a mission and it's waiting for us to give it some clue as to where we might be going. And if it thinks we're important enough, it will attack, but until then we are clear."

"What do we do?"

Cameron turned away from him and back to the road, grabbing her gun.

"We wait."

"Are you not scared? Because I feel like you have some sort of death wish or something."

Cameron chuckled as she stuck her head out the window to look up at the dark sky.

"Don't we all?"

Justin turned the headlights on and thought about it for a moment. Maybe he did have a death wish. He could have sat there and ignored it when Cameron walked up to that weak boy. He could have focused on anything but their conversation. He could have stayed in the base, safe and alone, never having to fight for his life ever again. He could have just let other people do it for him… but he couldn't. Justin drew in a shaky breath, keeping his eyes on the road as he spoke to her.

"I do."

"What?"

"A death wish… I have one."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Cameron slid back into her seat and turned back to him.

"Is that why you volunteered?"

Justin nodded slowly.

"Part of it was. I… I couldn't sit there and ignore the terror on his mother's face when you asked that boy if he was fast or brave. He was young and scared and… he has a family. I couldn't let him go out there and die while I stayed in the safety of the base, doing nothing. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done that. So I volunteered."

"How did you get to the base, Justin?"

He licked his lips nervously trying to fight the tears blurring in his eyes.

"When the bombs went off, I thought it was over. I was buried under rubble. I… I couldn't see. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. I was just… waiting… for it to fall and crush me. I knew it was going to happen but I didn't know when. And I could hear all these people around me, screaming for help… but I couldn't make a sound. I was afraid that if I tried to shout that the rubble would move and kill me. It was so heavy. Sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe. I felt like I was down there for years before I heard my parents calling me. I could hear them so clearly but I felt so far away. The rubble shifted and I screamed. I knew I was going to die."

Justin stared ahead mindlessly, barely registering what was ahead of him as he spoke.

"Then all of a sudden, I saw a blinding light and I felt something grasp my arms so tight, I thought they were going to get ripped out. The rubble kept shifting all around me and I closed my eyes in fear, feeling like it was squeezing the life out of me. But when it opened my eyes, it was just my family, holding me tight. My mother was sobbing with relief holding me tighter than I'd ever felt before. Everyone was there… everyone; my parents, my older brother and his wife, my twin sister, and my two little cousins. And we ran. We kept running until we couldn't. We stuck together as long as we could but… one by one… we were all picked off. I had everyone and then I lost them. I lost them all."

Tears rolled down his cheeks as images flashed in his mind. His heart was pounding against his bones as the painful memories rose to the surface.

"First it was a gang that tried to rob us but we didn't have anything and they got mad. So… they killed my dad. A couple days later my cousins got so sick. Terminators killed my older brother and my little cousins died a week later, two days apart. Then my aunt, she… she died in an explosion and my mother was badly injured. My sister and I had to leave my mom. I… I had to leave my mom. I had to… drag my sister away and we ran. And when I thought I couldn't possibly lose anymore, my sister was killed in a battle between Resistance soldiers and rebel civilians. I held her. I held my twin sister as… as the one person I… I had left… I lost everything. And you know what the worst part is?"

Justin turned to Cameron as more tears rolled down his cheeks. She shook her head slowly, not sure what to say.

"I came to die. I… I volunteered… because I knew. I knew I would die. And… I want to. I've tried but I just can't. I can't do what you do. I can't go and fight for others, watching them lose everyone they love without it reminding me of all I've lost. I thought about doing it myself several times but… I would rather die doing something worthwhile than… than doing it myself. That's what my family would want."

Justin's lip quivered as he focused on the road once more, shifting slightly in his seat as he thought over what he had said. His heart felt heavy in his chest and he drew in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly. He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, not wanting to say another word. He had never thought he would say those words out loud; much less tell them to a stranger. He grit his teeth and tried to shove his emotions back down and focus on driving as Cameron looked at him.

"I'm sorry. But… thank you for explaining."

"Yeah…"

"I think we should stop for the night. It's… it's not good to be driving when you're tired."

Justin glanced over at her with and nodded slowly as she gave him a small smile.

"Okay."

He hadn't realized that they had driven into an abandoned city with ruined buildings all around them. He was tempted to keep going, afraid that the rubble would crush him again but Cameron placed a hand on his shoulder to steady him as he pulled off and stopped. He flicked off the headlights and Cameron grabbed her flashlight and her gun, hopping out of the jeep.

"I'll take first watch. You've had a long day."

She opened the back of the jeep and swung her backpack on her shoulder, stepping out of the way for Justin to do the same. He grabbed his gun and looked into her brown eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Cameron nodded with a smile.

"I'm sure."

She turned on her heel and Justin followed behind her, placing his gun on his shoulder so he could cover her in the event of an attack. Justin didn't realize how tired he was until they had stopped for the night. He placed his backpack on the floor and turned the safety on his gun, sighing as he sat on the ground. Cameron stood against one of the supporting pillars, pulling a pair of night vision goggles onto her head so she could see in the darkness. Justin thought of staying up but the moment he had laid his head down on his backpack and closed his eyes, he faded into a deep sleep.