An Owners Guide To David
A Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud(?) owner of David, the treacherous seventh Animorph. Please read the instructions before continuing.
What have I ordered?
You have ordered David, a despicable specimen of the human race. He comes complete with all of the following:
· All morphs shown in the commercial
· B.B Gun
· Megadeath
· Spawn
· Serious Issues pills
How To Assemble
David will arrive on your front porch, locked inside of a titanium cage. This is for your own protection, so please do not unlock the cage until you have finished reading this section. Also, if the lock appears to be tampered with, do not use your David. Return him to us immediately for a replacement.
The first step is to clear your house of any characters you may have purchased earlier. It may prove difficult to find a temporary place to hold your characters, if you can't find anybody brave enough or crazy enough to character sit them. It will be well worth it though, because David gets along with virtually nobody. If your characters were at home when David was released, several character deaths would probably be eminent.
The second step is to release David. Unlock the cage, and stand several feet back. David will emerge after a few moments, holding his B.B gun and looking around for something to shoot. He will be disorientated for several seconds, and within this time period you should take the B.B gun from him. This will firmly establish you as The Boss, and he won't protest when you bring your other characters back home.
Help! I unlocked the cage before I read the section!
Don't panic. Just read the rest of the section really, really fast. If that fails then we are in no way responsible for any harm that may befall you.
Help! I didn't take the B.B gun fast enough!
Don't panic. Walk away slowly, and try to look as non-target like as possible. If you don't feel like trying to take your David's gun again, call 1800-DAVID-IS-SHOOTING-STUFF. We will send somebody to handle the situation, but then they will be 'The Boss', and David will not listen to you. Granted, he barely listens to The Boss anyway, but you may want to order a replacement David character and take the gun yourself.
Help! David shot me!
Don't panic. It's just a B.B gun, you should be fine. If David happened to hit you in the eye or other delicate body part, call 1800-DAVID-IS-SHOOTING-STUFF and the paramedics.
After Assembly
David will want to explore his new home. Show him around the house, clearly defining what room is his. Make sure to get him a cage for Spawn if you aren't fond of snakes slithering around your home.
Note: As you purchase more and more characters, you may find yourself running out of rooms for them. If you are a particularly intrepid character owner, you can have some of them be roommates. Obviously, this is an extremely risky undertaking that requires skill and patience, but above all common sense. For instance, only a foolish or highly sadistic person would put Visser 3 and Elfangor in the same room.
However, we recommend that you do not make David share a room with anybody. Unless his roommate is incapable of violence, such as a Chee, sooner or later one of them will end up dead. Nobody gets along with him.
If you require assistance, call our C.R.S at 1800-555-5555.
What does David like to do?
Besides scaring people with his snake and trying to act tough, David enjoys tormenting Animorphs. Luckily, this usually only involves taunting, threatening, and non-lethal violence. We have found it impossible to squeeze David's endless number of mental problems into such a small vessel, so if you want the full David experience you should use the Serious Issues pills. The full David experience is not for the faint of heart, so Serious Issues pills should not be used lightly.
For those brave souls who use the Serious Issues pills, administer only one pill per day. This will simulate the full extent of David's twisted mind, and he will enjoy far sicker activities. Such as small animals in pain, or even small children. And, as should be expected, he will generally attack any Animorph in morph, and sometimes Rachel when she is not.
If it turns out that Serious Issues David is too much for you, cease use of Serious Issues pills immediately. If you have a Cassie character, she will be able to exert at least some control over him until his serious issues wear off.
Warning: Do not allow David to consume two or more Serious Issues pills within a twenty-four hour time period. This will cause catastrophic results.
Help! I administered two or more Serious Issues pills!
Don't panic. Even though this is a highly dangerous situation (Which, mind you, could have easily been avoided), you and your characters may yet come out alive.
David will now have serious issues to the power of twelve. Whatever shreds of honor and self-control he might have had are now non-existent. He will be in this state for one week per extra pill administered, and during this time you, your family, and your character's lives are at a high risk. Therefore we present you with this set of:
EMERGENCY INSTRUCTIONS
1. While overdosed, he will try to destroy anything that makes him the slightest bit angry. Even worse, he will do so with cold and terrible brilliance, laying in wait for them with the best possible morph. Be especially wary of cobras and lions, two of David's favorite morphs.
2. The best way to deal with this emergency is to be alert and ride it out. For instance, he will probably attempt to seize control of the household by killing you, an event that you should prepare yourself for by purchasing a six-pack of Hork-Bajir body guards for yourself. Having a few Animorphs tail you isn't a bad idea either.
3. A rouge Animorph is a security nightmare. David could be anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Fortunately, he can only be one person at a time, so operate under the buddy system. Nobody should go anywhere alone, unless you are positive of David's location. Remember, David has no reservations about acquiring sentient creatures. If somebody does go somewhere alone, treat their DNA as compromised and them as untrustworthy. If kept under constant surveillance for two hours, they can be considered safe until out of sight for two minutes or more.
4. Even though it is under the influence of Serious Issues pills, the mind wreaking all of this havoc is still David's. That means his actions can be predicted by someone who knows him. Ask a Cassie character to predict his next moves if you have her. If not, call 1800-CRAZY-DAVID, press 1, and inform us of his overdose level. We should be able to tell you what he will do next. We made him, after all.
5. If you own a Rachel character, send her to stay with a friend, preferably one in a different country. David's main homicide attempts will be directed at her. If nobody is willing to harbor a girl being hunted by David, keep Rachel close to you at all times. Also keep a close eye on characters such as Tobias, Sara, Cassie, Dan, Jordan and others who spend time with her. David will be targeting them for kidnapping, blackmailing, acquiring, torture, or all of the above.
6. Your main goal is keep everybody alive until David's serious issues wear off. If David has consumed more than a few weeks worth of serious issues, this may prove near impossible. One solution would be to get him before he gets you. Although we are highly against the unnecessary deactivation of any characters, this may be the last option available to you. Simply gather up all battle-ready characters that are willing, and refer to Jake, Marco, or other strategizing character for the battle plan. If you have none and aren't the leader type, call 1800-CRAZY-DAVID and press 2. We will describe a detailed battle plan for you to use. Before engaging David in battle, BE SURE to contact us and request your David's deactivation number. Deactivating him is far easier than killing him. Whenever any character hears their deactivation number said three times in a row, they will automatically shut down.
How to maintain you David
The only thing that is necessary to maintain David is to remember that he is only an imitation. Several owners purchase him and subject him to cruel, terrible punishments of their own devising. The David that you purchased never tried to kill any Animorphs, he never betrayed them, etc. So unless he actually does, leave him be.
In Conclusion
We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most traitorous) member of your family. If your David character appears to be lonely, buy him another pet or something. Rachel, Saddler, and pretty much our whole character catalog are not recommended.
All comments and questions should be directed to 1800-REVIEW.