A/N: YES! I have made it to chapter ten. On time, too. Mwahaha. I have no idea how many of these I'll do, but it'll be a lot. Right now, I'm just holding on for dear life until school's out, and then I can really open her up. Anywho, this chapter's name is Runaway Vamp. Edward runs away, so Bella hires Buffy. Spike watches the Olympics and Edward found a friend.

Disclaimer: Don't own crap

To my reviewers:

Willow101(i love spike!): That would be cool! I'd read it. But seriously, the book sucks. I can't stand more than a page a day, I seriously want to pull my hair out.

Anon: I know, that was one of the first ones I wrote. I was originally planning on making it just a little segment of a much larger story, but oh well. I have already written the next chapter, it does contain dismemberment (and more!) I have a couple more chapters planned that include accidently suicide (four, to be exact) but will probably spread them out a little

Dreameralways: I know. I was disappointed too. Next chapter is rather violent, though. And of course Angel killed him! I couldn't let him live.

Clarityfades: I agree completely. My native writing style contains no description whatsoever, and I'm trying to fight off the laziness fairy (die, fairy, die!). And yes, motives for killing need to be worked on. Thank you so much for the critique!

--CeleryRox

Runaway Vamp

"Do you, Edward Cullen, take Bella Swan to be your-" the priest began.

"NO! Of course not! PSYCH! Hahaha, see yah later, suckas!"

Edward Cullen ran whooping out of the church and Bella began to cry.

Next day:

Buffy was walking out of Sunnydale high school. Her backpack was stuffed full with the boatload of homework, half of which she had already decided not to complete. She was looking forward to a relaxing evening when a plain girl walked up to her.

The girl had straight, stringy brown hair and plain brown eyes. Her skin was pasty white, and you could tell from a mile away that she hadn't brushed teeth in months. With horror, Buffy realized that the girl was coming to her and began to walk faster. But she jogged ahead and caught up to her.

"Hi. Are you the slayer?" The smelly girl said.

"Yes. No. I mean… what's it to you?" Buffy stammered, shocked by the smell and the suddenness of the question.

"I'm Bella. I want to hire your services to kill my ex… my ex… Wahhahaaaa!!!" The girl broke down and began sobbing hysterically, dribbling snot and hazardous green spittle all over the place. Buffy inched away.

Bella abruptly stopped crying. "Hold still! I'm not done yet!" she yelled, then burst into tears again. Sniffling dramatically, she continued, "My ex fiancé… He left me at the alter. And if I can't have him, nobody will!!! He's a vampire, by the way. I thought you could stake him. But, like, take your time so I can deliver a crappy cliché speech, kay? What else... Oh yeah, I MISS HIM SO MUCH LIKE WAAAAH!" she said.

"Uhh, I don't work for money. It's BAD," Buffy said and walked away, praying to the few gods she believed in that the despicable creature wouldn't call after her.

"WAIT!"

Crap.

"What?" Buffy said.

"How about for a million!"

Buffy thought about it. But not for long. "Okay!"

"Cool! My people will contact your people." She said, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

That evening, she worked her way through the crapload of homework while Spike watched the Olympics and cussed out the other teams (her mother was not home). She had just told him to shut up when the doorbell rang.

"I got it!" She said, running for the door.

"No! No, smash him! SMASH HIM!" Spike screamed.

She opened the door and it was Bella. Her dragon breath had cracked the red paint on the door. Buffy was not pleased to see her.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Let's do it now!" Bella cackled. Buffy felt her eyes begin to water.

"But I have homework!" She protested.

"DIE! All of you need to DIE!" Spike shouted, hopefully at the TV.

"Ten million."

"Okay!" Buffy said. Over her shoulder, she told Spike that she was going.

"F***ING GERMANS! SMASH THEIR HEADS!" was his reply.

They got in Bella's truck, which smelled like microwaved hair. Buffy rolled the window down and hurled out the window.

"Wait… Where are we going?" Bella asked, as if the thought had just occurred to her (it had).

"123 Happy Pink Ponies Blvd," Buffy chocked out.

"How do you know?" Bella was puzzled.

"I looked it up in yellow pages."

"Oh."

They drove away to find 123 Happy Ponies Blvd. But they didn't go far.

After 30 minutes of going in circles around the same block, Buffy took the wheel from Bella.

They drove away to find 123 Happy Ponies Blvd again.

2 hours later, they pulled into the driveway of a pink house with big purple shutters that had big hearts and smiley faces drawn all over the place with glitter glue. It smelled like fresh sewage. They walked up the pathway bordered by (dead) petunias, up the steps. Bella rang the doorbell.

"Oh, please," Buffy said. She kicked the door down and walked partway inside. The walls were painted baby turd brown, with accents of regurgitated lettuce. The carpet was pink camoflauge. They heard a TV in room to the right and a weird sucking noise. They walked in.

Two people sat on a ketchup colored couch, apparently oblivious to the newcomers, sucking face. A black and white TV sat against the wall in front of them, one of the old types with bunny ears. It somehow worked anyway.

"HOW COULD YOU!" Bella wailed.

The couple broke apart. There was a young man with ridiculous looking hair who appeared to have smeared glitter glue all across his face, and a dark haired girl who looked really familiar to Buffy.

"Drusilla?"

Drusilla said, "I hear my name. The call for me again!", crossed her eyes, and giggled.

"Edward! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU BASTART!!!" Bella wailed.

"Bastard," I corrected

"BASTARD!"

Edward farted in reply.

"I want a pony," Drusilla said, peering at Bella, "Edward, make her give me a pony."

"Not now," Edward told her. Drusilla pouted and began to mutter to herself.

"I LOVED YOU! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO THROW IT ALL AWAY! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU COUCH POTATO! YOU…" Buffy took a seat in a corner and wondered when she was getting her paycheck.

Two hours later, she got up and went to the bathroom. There wasn't any toilet paper.

An hour after that, she realized she had somehow left her stake at home. That wasn't very professional. So she walked into the kitchen and took all of the stuff out of the pantry until she found a suitable toothpick.

When she came back into the living room, everything was exactly as she left it. Bella was screaming the same things over and over again, Edward was farting, and Drusilla was talking to the lamp.

"Will you just SHUT UP!" Buffy shouted. Bella shut up. The room was uncomfortably quiet.

"Yes? Did you say something?" Drusilla picked the lamp up and held it to her ear.

"Do you want to stake him, or are we all going to sit here forever?"

"I can hear the children…"

"Shut up, Drusilla." Edward said.

Bella was pale. "Yes. Do it!" She said in a hushed voice.

Buffy ran up to Edward and stuck the toothpick in his chest. He farted, but nothing else happened. Buffy poked him repeatedly until he finally bit the dust.

"HOW COULD YOU!" A weight hit Buffy from behind and she toppled over with Bella on top of her. She flailed about a bit until she hit something. Bella was reduced to powder.

"That's weird…" Buffy said. She didn't know that Bella was a vampire too.

"Hello I would like a large pepperoni pizza-"

Sick of her voice, Burfy ripped the lamp from Drusilla's hands and bashed her over the head . She jumped out the window and ran down the street.

On the TV, the crowd cheered. The Germans had won.

A/N2: That one was longer yays! Next chapter on Wednesday. Illyria gets mad because Edward pees on a bush (in public). Violent death described and included. Hope you liked it.

If you don't have anything nice to say… FLAME ME!

P.S.: Hahaha, I just realized I spelled Buffy Burfy. OMG!