Chapter 9: Flinch
"May your choices
reflect your hopes,
not your fears."
-Nelson Mandela
By the time Sakura had made it home her tears had dried. Which was a good thing because on the off chance her father was home already, she didn't want him lecturing her about being weak- especially when he was so against her being a nin in the first place. Not that he wouldn't get angry anyways- the black eye, and torn and filthy clothing were just asking for a berating. She could paint a perfect picture of him now, shouting at her about what the neighbors would think.
Opening the door as quietly as she could Sakura slipped inside and came face to face with her mother's rapidly widening blue eyes.
"Flower?" Mebuki asked, taking her daughter's small hands into her own and pulling her into the kitchen.
Sakura sat down on one of the chairs, wincing slightly as her sore back came into contact with the unforgiving wood. She watched as her mother wet a small cloth under the sink.
"What happened?" Mebuki asked, keeping her voice intentionally light. Her daughter looked as shaky as a newborn foal.
Sakura cleared the hoarseness out of her throat before responding, "Just simple training exercises."
She was already internally berating herself for letting Sasuke get to her like that. Falling for his trick was annoying, yet acceptable. He had shown extraordinary cleverness in luring her into his trap. But the way she reacted to his simple tackle was intolerable. Not to mention suspicious! Sakura didn't even want to think about what was running through Sasuke's mind concerning her after the fit she threw!
He probably thought she was some crazy wimp! Which considering her current state, Sakura was inclined to agree with. 'Crazy' may have been a potent word for how she was feeling, but the chaotic state of her thoughts had become problematic as of late. Not to mention that dark presence within her- why hadn't it gone away? Was it normal? Did other people have a giant ball of darkness festering within them?
She flinched as the warm washcloth tentatively touched her chin. Her mother made a quiet humming noise, before titling her face to the side to get a better angle. And whilst her mother cleaned the dirt and debris off her scraped skin, Sakura kept thinking.
Crazy was an unpleasant possibility. She had always thought that her distance from her peers stemmed from her overly mature and logical nature. A big part of that was because of her family, but the Harunos didn't change the fact that her personality had always been calculating. Different had never seemed like a bad thing per se- she was different from her family and different from her peers. The isolation had never bothered her. And from what she could gather, shinobi had always been viewed as a touch insane anyways, especially the powerful ones.
But even if crazy was only a possibility concerning herself, wimp was a definite.
Sakura's lips curled in a slight snarl as she thought about how Sasuke was brilliant, but cruel in casting a genjutsu on her that he knew she would react poorly to. She grimaced at the realization of her own hypocrisy. How could she feel so revolted with Sasuke's tactics when she used them herself, possibly in a much crueler way?
Sasuke had witnessed her reaction to Kakashi's genjutsu and knew it was a weakness, so he used it against her. It was a skillful strategy, and as he proved- successful. He used her fear against her to achieve his goals and he was ruthless- something every good shinobi was.
Sakura had applied the same tactics, except concerning attraction with Naruto. She knew the boy was crushing on her and took advantage of his feelings to win. She too was ruthless, but in a much more hurtful way… Suzume sensei would be so proud. The thought made her feel sick.
At least Sasuke hadn't known the history behind what she was seeing… And thank Kami people couldn't witness a genjutsu victim's illusions. He probably already had some wild theories about what exactly he made her see. But as long as it wasn't too close to the truth it didn't matter…
"-Flower… Flower? Sakura!"
Sakura was sharply brought out of her thoughts as her mother gave her a little shake. Concern was creased into the fine lines on her mother's young face.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Mebuki asked, worry leaking through her tone.
Sakura nodded in quick reassurance. It's not like her mother could or would do anything.
Her mother- probably the only person in the world who both knew about everything going on in her life and could possibly empathize with being a shinobi… And the one person who Sakura knew would do nothing. She had long ago let go of any delusions of her mother sweeping them off into some foreign land to start life anew, or to reassure her that better times were coming. Or even to shield her from the harsh bitterness that was reality.
So even though Sakura was most assuredly not okay, she would save both her mother and herself from the uncomfortable awkwardness of having to discuss forbidden issues. She wouldn't unseal her lips and break the unspoken rule of not mentioning all of the dastardly deeds that went on in the midnight hours and dark corners of the Haruno house.
"I'm going to use some healing chakra to get rid of that nasty bruise before your father sees it."
Sakura's pale brows furrowed, "You know medical ninjutsu?"
Her mother hesitated in the way that she always did before speaking about her past life as a kunoichi.
"A little bit. It was required of me."
Sakura's eyes flickered over every inch of her mother's face; watching as her eyes seemed to grow distant for a moment.
Sakura keenly observed the sometimes- stranger that was crouched in front of her. Kakashi-sensei had revealed that her mother had been an infiltration expert. Sakura hadn't known that they were required to learn medical ninjutsu, but she supposed it made sense. Infiltrators usually worked solo, with no team medic to back them up.
But still, Sakura longed to pry the secrets that lied behind her mother's blue eyes out. She desperately wanted to know about her mother's kunoichi past- especially since (from the clues she had picked up over the years) it would lead to more information about her father. Not that knowing the identity of the man would make a difference- but curiosity ate away at her.
Mebuki gave her head a little shake before refocusing on her daughter. Sakura was looking at her with wide viridian eyes that had always held an uncomfortable amount of cunning. She hated the hesitation that she always felt when her daughter cast that gaze her way.
So like any good parent, she became adept at creating distractions. And this distraction was necessary for every member of their household's sake. Concentrating hard, Mebuki lit her fingers with healing chakra, and gently pressed them into her daughter's cheekbone, speeding up the molecules and healing process from the inside out.
Sakura watched her mother in wonder as she felt the cooling comfort of her chakra on her bruised flesh. It only took a few moments, before her mother was once again pulling away.
Story of her life…
"You should squeeze in a quick shower before dinner," Mebuki said, already halfway out of the room.
She nodded dutifully and stiffly rose from the chair. Her face may be healed, but the rest of her body was an aching mess. Trudging footsteps ascended the stairs and headed towards the bathroom. Once inside she locked the door and leaned against the heavy wood.
Sakura felt like a mess.
Too many things had happened in the past week and it felt as though it was impossible to process it all. She was a girl who liked routine. She liked waking up in the morning and meditating or practicing in the garden. She liked that she knew where she stood with her peers and senseis at the academy. She loved knowing that she was one of the brightest students.
It may have been a bit boring, but she liked this system. She knew exactly where she fit in on the large scale of things.
But being a shinobi was not at all predictable. Their lifestyle demanded that one was prepared for anything. The winds of war changed within an instant and an enemy wouldn't hardly be so kind to inform you when they were going to attack. Sakura had known all this, had even reveled in this. This was a life where she would never be bored. Her mind would always be at work and she would experience the adventures she had always longed for.
She had thought she could handle it. She had cast away any bouts of child like naïveté a long time ago. And yet this past week made her feel like she was drowning. Eyes opened under water and viewing everything through cloudy distortion. What was wrong with her? She should have been able to handle this!
Her malicious family was something that she had long grown accustomed to. Adding a relative who had a penchant for molesting young girls shouldn't have even made her bat an eye- so why was she so hung up on this? She was used to being treated like dirt, and granted his way of degrading her was something new, but she shouldn't be letting this get to her!
And her teammates… She was acting so callously, so unlike herself around them! Sasuke and Naruto were bound to get suspicious if she kept going into hysterics over trivial incidents. Granted, they may just think she is a horribly pathetic girl, and while that was more appealing than them finding out the truth, it grated on her ego.
Between her family, and her teammates she needed to get a handle on things. She had handled shocking revelations and cruel treatment at a younger age with more dignity, she could do it again.
She just needed to get a hold of herself. Sakura closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. And when she retreated into herself, she once again found her inner body reflecting her turbulent thoughts. So repeating her earlier practice, she harnessed all the negative feelings- the fear, the panic, the self loathing and added them to the black mass inside her. It pulsed wildly.
And while harboring darkness inside of her was both unappealing and unsettling, she would do it. If it meant that she could cling to or at least adapt to some semblance or normality, then she would without complaint. It was something that she could look into later, once she regained her bearings- once she figured out where exactly she placed in this new daily hierarchy.
Sighing, she shed her torn and dirty clothing and stepped into the shower, feeling like she was about to do much more than just a physical cleansing. And when she emerged Sakura felt better. More like herself, less weighed down.
The rest of the evening was quiet. Her father never showed up for dinner. Neither she or her mother were surprised as he often spent the nights at his shop. Sakura wasn't one hundred percent sure what he got up to when he stayed out all night, but she had enough unpleasant speculations.
And she would never voice those suspicions aloud because despite the fact that her father was a horrible, vile man that treated her mother terribly, she had a sorrowful suspicion that her mother still loved the man. And Sakura couldn't quite decide if that was heartbreaking or pathetic. But the lack of his presence made her decent into sleep easier and that was all that mattered.
The next morning Sakura woke up before her alarm, sweating and shaking due to a dream she couldn't remember. But the physical proof that whatever her subconscious came up with was clearly alarming.
Shaking off her unease, Sakura slipped from her bed and took another quick shower, before bounding downstairs. As she collected her bento, she mused on whether or not she should bother packing a portion for Naruto. She decided not to. If Naruto wanted to become more independent than who was she to stand in his way?
Grabbing her weapons pouch, the pastel haired girl was out the door. It was earlier than she would have normally left by, but perhaps she would have time to complete some uninterrupted mediation and yoga. Perhaps she would make it to the bridge before Sasuke…
She stopped dead in her tracks. Sasuke.
A grimace pulled at her lips. She wondered how she was supposed to act around him now? Especially after hissing at him to never touch her again- something that was completely unavoidable in their line of work. Should she apologize? She shook her head- no, that would mean that she would have to bring the incident up and she didn't want to linger on it. She wanted to erase the entire day.
Nodding her head at her decision, Sakura continued on. She would act as if the whole thing never occurred. She wouldn't mention it- she doubted Sasuke would mention it. She would act like normal and Sasuke may be wary at first, but he was still a boy. And one thing that her observations had taught her was that boys were uncomfortable around emotional females. So he would avoid provoking an outburst. And then things would continue on like normal…until they actually were normal. Sakura estimated it would take about a week for the entire incident to be forgotten.
And as she approached the bridge a small smile tugged at her worried lips. It was empty. She would have time to get both her thoughts and emotions in order before facing her teammates.
Sitting down in customary lotus position Sakura methodically began her mediation ritual. And as focused on her inner self, she began sorting through her memories and emotions, filing them in the neat storage boxes in her mind. She studiously ignored the dark mass within her and then focused on her chakra. It was bright and humming, ready for the day.
Pulling out of her mediation, Sakura was surprised to note that she was still alone on the bridge, with no sign of her teammates. Looking to the sky she noted that the first rays of the sun were casting the village in brilliant hues of orange and pinks. It had to be closing in on six a.m.
Mentally shrugging and trying forcefully not to worry at the fact that perhaps her behavior yesterday had driven Sasuke and Naruto away, Sakura stood up and started on some katas. She made it through three before she felt Sasuke's chakra heading her way.
She shifted into another kata by the times Sasuke's silent footsteps had made it to the bridge.
"Good morning Sasuke," Sakura said, not looking at the boy.
Sasuke paused in his movement, and Sakura could feel those dark eyes boring into her.
"Good morning," he said after a long pause, and then continued to the other side of the bridge, once again perching himself on the railing.
She didn't mind the distance. He was probably trying to figure out how to interact with her. Which was fine because she had just shown him that she was going to act perfectly normal. She wouldn't ignore the Uchiha, but she wouldn't be overly friendly or aggressive either.
Shifting into another kata, Sakura added a few taijutsu moves to the routine. A smile crept over her face- she was feeling better. This morning felt blissfully normal.
…And then Naruto came running down the bridge.
"Good morning Sakura-chan! Are you alright after yesterday?" he said, his eyes getting uncomfortably close as they peered at her face. "Hey, your black eye is gone!"
Sakura swallowed back her scowl and the impulse to push him away from her. Naruto's intentions had never been anything but friendly.
"I'm fine, Naruto. If anything, I just feel embarrassed about yesterday," she said, knowing that Sasuke would overhear the conversation.
"Embarrassed? You shouldn't feel that way at all Sakura-chan! You were the only one of us to pass at the tests yesterday! And beside, teme was being such a jerk!" Naruto said, his blue eyes narrowing as he looked at the Sasuke over her shoulder.
Sakura forced a light laugh out of her lips. "It's not Sasuke's fault that I overreacted. He was perfectly valid in attacking and I freaked out. Don't be angry with him Naruto, I'm not."
And while Sakura wasn't one hundred percent sure that statement was true, as Sasuke was an asshole of epic proportions yesterday, she didn't want to cause a rift between the three of them.
"Yeah, but the teme should have stopped attacking when you yelled," Naruto stubbornly protested.
"Naruto, I am training to become a shinobi just like you. Enemies much more dangerous than Sasuke are not going to simply stop an attack because I ask them to," Sakura explained with more patience than she was feeling.
Naruto still looked surly and unconvinced, but he didn't say anything else on the matter. Instead he began talking her ear off about how he would be Konoha's greatest Hokage.
Hours passed as Naruto nattered on. Sasuke remained silent, not even allowing himself to be lured into a petty argument by Naruto. And Sakura too remained quiet; except for the few times Naruto prodded her into answering questions.
When Kakashi-sensei finally bothered to show up the sun was high in the sky. Sakura was sure it was closer to noon than their designated meeting time.
"Where have you been?" Naruto questioned, sounding like an irate mother hen.
"Well you see-" he began.
"-Never mind," Sasuke huffed, jumping down from the fence post. "Lets just get to it."
"I didn't realize my students were so eager!" Kakashi said clapping his hands together. "Since you are so raring to go, why don't you start with suicide sprints. I want them to stretch across the entire training ground."
Naruto groaned, but Sakura just continued on. Her body was still sore from the beating it took the day before, but she would just have to work through the pain.
And painful it was. But if anything, the pain was a welcome distraction. Nothing took the mind off troubling thoughts like burning muscles. When the suicides were finally finished, all three of them were tired and sweaty.
Kakashi-sensei's eye crinkled in a sure sign of a smile at the pitiful sight they made. He of course looked fresh as a daisy, seated with his little orange book of perversion.
"Alright kiddies, now I want you to do lunges, crunches, one armed push ups, and chin ups on that tree. First one to pass out has to clean my apartment."
Each of them stared at their sensei for a moment, debating whether or not he was serious about cleaning… or if that was legal?
"Chop, chop!"
Each exercise felt like an eternity before Kakashi-sensei would tell them to switch to the next one. Sakura was too exhausted to check up on how her teammates were faring in comparison. The one upside, beside the obvious fitness was that the workout required silence for the most part. Sure, Naruto jabbered on a bit, but Sasuke was acting even more cold and quiet than usual. He didn't rise to any of Naruto's bait.
It was only during their brief lunch break did Sakura finally take real notice of the tension. When they weren't too busy sweating, the silence felt more pronounced. Which was such a strange thing seeing as neither she nor Sasuke had ever been particularly chatty, especially not with each other. But she supposed it was the type of stiff silence that those stewing in anger, nerves, or guilt tend to display. And right now her team was experiencing it- all because of her.
But her wish to keep moving on ahead and forget about the previous day would not allow her to bring it up. Her pride was sore enough that she didn't want to have to actually apologize to Sasuke. Especially when she was the one that attacked her in the first place!
After they all finished their lunches, Naruto noisily slurping up the last of his instant ramen noodles, Kakashi gathered them around.
"Today we are going to work on sparing with each other, using taijutsu only. Sasuke, Naruto, you're up first."
The two boys stood and seemed to size each other up. And for the first time that day Sasuke looked a little more like himself as he sent Naruto an arrogant smirk.
"Quit smiling teme, I'm so going to kick your ass!" Naruto growled back, ready to lunge.
"Ah, Naruto, don't start until I say so," Kakashi interrupted. "Besides, Sakura-chan and I need to get out of the way."
He placed one large hand on her should to steer her away from the fight, and Sakura couldn't help her instant reaction. She physically flinched away from his touch. The feel of his adult hand near her body made her stomach drop.
Kakashi removed his hand instantly, but her stomach still remained somewhere in her feet. She cursed herself for reacting so callously. He was her sensei for Kami's sake, his touch didn't mean anything! But a little voice in her head sneered that family wasn't supposed to touch you they way they did either…
She wanted to scream, but instead she took a seat near Kakashi instead.
And she watched Sasuke and Naruto fight, studying their moves intently. Both the way they strategized and attacked was very telling towards their character. Naruto would simply try to barrel into Sasuke. Occasionally, he would show a glimpse of cleverness by tricking Sasuke, but for the most part he was an uncoordinated energetic mess. Sasuke on the other hand seemed to be perfectly in control. Every attack, defense and dodge was made with a purpose. And part of that purpose was to taunt Naruto into losing his head.
It was fascinating to watch and Sakura could only wonder what they would see when they fought her. The spar ended when Sasuke apparently felt like he was finished toying with his opponent and pinned Naruto.
"Naruto, don't let your opponents goad you into attacking without thought," Kakashi said, as the boys got up. "Sasuke, if you can finish a fight, do it. Don't play with an opponent because they may surprise you. Alright Sakura-chan, you're up next. You and Naruto can have a round."
Sakura rose to her feet and looked over to meet Naruto's eyes. He looked uncharacteristically nervous and completely hesitant. And that simply wouldn't do.
"Don't go easy on me," Sakura said, smiling as she walked past the whiskered cheeked boy, "Because I won't go easy on you."
"Alright Sakura-chan!" Naruto said, running towards her. And yet he still looked uncomfortable facing her. Adrenalin hummed in her veins. And for once she didn't feel dread concerning touch- this was a whole new playing field.
"Begin!" Kakashi called from the sidelines where he and Sasuke were now sitting.
Sakura didn't waste any time, lashing her right leg out, and catching Naruto in the side. As his momentum carried him over, her left fist crashed into his ear.
Naruto dropped down for a moment, but he looked more shocked than hurt.
Sakura stalked towards him, a lioness after her prey. But Naruto's foot kicked out faster than she expected. She tripped over him landing on the ground beside him. Thrusting her elbow out, Sakura caught him in the ribs and he wheezed. Naruto dove towards her, seemingly going for the pin, but he stopped, eyes panicked. And Sakura rolled away from him before jumping to her feet and headlocking the blonde.
"Call," Kakashi-sensei said.
Sakura instantly let go of her teammate and held a hand out to help him up.
"Thanks, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, a half smile playing on his lips.
The two walked over to where Kakashi and Sasuke were sitting.
"Sakura, remember to cover your left side when you are attacking. Naruto," Kakashi sighed and Naruto's head drooped, "I know you don't want to hurt your teammate, but Sakura-chan is going to get hurt worse from an actual enemy if she doesn't learn now."
And the small ray of happiness that she had been feeling at triumphing over an opponent, even a goofball like Naruto vanished. Because clearly Kakashi didn't think her skills were that notable, and clearly Naruto had thrown the fight. Anger burned within her. She had worked so hard and she was still behind!
"Sasuke, Sakura, you're up next," Kakashi-said.
Sakura barely managed to stop herself from stomping over to the sparing spot. Sasuke's footsteps were that of a ghost coming from behind her. She turned to face her opponent and was surprised when Sasuke's dark eyes met hers without hesitation.
"I-" Sasuke started.
But Kakashi was already calling 'begin.'
Sakura lashed out, anger fuelling her movements. Once again she kicked at him, knowing her legs were her more powerful limbs. Sasuke dodged and grabbed her foot, yanking her leg towards him. She had to bow her back to dodge his oncoming fist. Instead she brought her other leg up around his waist and squeezed tightly.
Sasuke's eyes widened, clearly not expecting such a daring move. One of his hands gripped her thigh, trying to wrench her off, while his other hand shot to her throat. Sakura dropped both legs in panic and flipped away from him.
Sasuke kept coming, and they practiced an odd dance of attacking and blocking, until Sasuke's foot shot out and connected with her ribs.
And the moment her body hit the ground he was on her. But this time when Sakura met his eyes she noticed the hesitation in them- he didn't want to be pinning her any more than she did. Eyes that looked terribly torn as they bore into her own.
"Call," Kakashi said.
Sasuke was off her instantly. Sakura slowly rose to her feet, her mind spinning. She didn't even listen to Kakashi-sensei's advice; her mind was reeling.
"Alright you three, go home and rest," Kakashi said, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
Sakura's eyes remained on the spot he had occupied, until Naruto dragged her out of her thoughts.
"Sakura-chan would you like to go get some ramen with me?"
And looking into such sincere eyes, Sakura forgot her earlier anger with him. What would she do if she had to fight against someone she was crushing on? Probably nothing as noble as what Naruto did in letting her win, but still she recognized how uncomfortable that must have been for him.
"Sure."
His eyes lit up, "Really? This is going to be so much fun!" His head swung towards Sasuke, who was collecting his empty bento. "Are you coming teme?"
Sasuke remained silent for a moment, before he finally shrugged, "Hn."
Both of them took that as a 'yes.'
Naruto whooped and then began happily chattering, informing them about the delights that were served at Ichirakus. When they arrived the three snagged some stools and quickly ordered. Naruto introduced Sasuke and Sakura to the owner. And when their food arrived, Sakura watched in increasing incredulity as Naruto gulped down bowl after bowl.
"Perhaps you should slow down. You don't want to get sick," Sakura suggested. Sasuke, who was sitting on the other side of her snorted.
"Sick from ramen? Never!"
"Try swallowing your food before talking dobe," Sasuke drawled.
Naruto childishly stuck out his tongue, showcasing a mouth full of half eaten noodles. Sakura flinched away, as that tongue was far too close to her.
"Eh, sorry Sakura-chan."
She grimaced, while pushing her half finished bowl away from her, appetite officially gone.
"Well I should get going," Sakura announced, her eyes taking note of the dimming sky. Her father would be leaving his shop soon and she didn't want him to catch her out eating with her teammates.
"Already?" Naruto pouted.
Sakura nodded, placing some money on the counter. She hopped off the stool and gave her teammates a quick wave before talking off towards her house.
"Sakura," a familiar voice called.
Turning around she came face to face with Sasuke.
"About yesterday, I'm-"
"I know," she said, not letting him finish. Because if he apologized than she would have to too. And her apology wouldn't make sense without a full explanation.
Sasuke's eyes widened, but still the emotions swirling with them were unreadable.
Sakura offered him a small smile before turning around and continuing her walk home. She felt a little bit lighter, and couldn't for the life of her understand why.
A/N: Because not every chapter can end with doom and gloom. I hope you guys enjoyed it nonetheless! I had a lot more planned for this chapter, but it was getting far too long, so I had to split it.
Big things are going to start happening! I'm really excited!
Anyways, please review and let me know what you thought! Your reviews are so inspiring!
-Nyx