A/N: And here is one of the most angsty parts of the story. Santana tells Rachel about her past. This is a really long chapter.
WARNING: This chapter contains MAJOR triggers. As well as Bartie bashing. Please read at your own risk. R&R(:
Chapter 10: Fix You
Alright to say that that these last few weeks have been a cake walk for Santana, would be a bold down right lie. Let her tell it, she was fine to anyone who asked. But those who knew it best knew that she just wasn't at her best.
Her anxiety was through the roof. Her nightmares more frequent and her ever present insomnia wasn't exactly helping either. She had no other choice but to start taking almost all of her medications more frequently. All the talk about rehashing her past is actually making her relive it. It's been at the forefront of her mind ever since her phone conversation with Quinn and as the date of her and Rachel's 3 month anniversary drew closer. Santana knew she couldn't hold off any longer. Every time she closed her eyes without medication, she found herself waking up drenched in sweat and crying, reliving another part of her darkest days.
And it wasn't just affecting her, Puck, Tina and Mike noticed it as well. Even Rachel could tell something was off with her girlfriend. She was more quiet, more distant and to herself. Even what seemed like spaced out. Santana seemed almost airy on her meds. She was sluggish and lazy and constantly sleeps. Rachel just thought she was sick, at least that's what Santana told her. But Puck and everyone else knew otherwise. Santana was on her meds again, and not just her anxiety meds… all of them.
…
Santana sat back on the chair in her station; she didn't really have any appointments today, just a few small ones. But anything was better than sitting in her apartment all day. She gradually sipped her coffee as she tried to stay awake.
"San, Hun you ok?" Tina asked looking up from her appointment book concerned at her friend.
"It's been some of those weeks Tina. It's been some of those weeks." Santana attempted a weak smile at her friend. She barely had enough energy for that. Her head just dropped to her chest and she instantly dozed off.
"San, wake up. Why don't you just go home and sleep? You can't even finish a conversation without falling asleep in the middle of it. You know when you constantly are taking your medication it makes you sluggish. I'll take you home." Tina said shaking the Latina. She hated seeing her friend drugged like this. It just saddens her when she thinks of how much of a fire cracker the girl used to be back in high school compared to now.
"I don't really want to be by myself. That's why I came in the first place." Santana attempted to stretch and yawn but no avail. "I don't trust myself."
"You want me to stay with you? I'm done for a while and can keep a look out for you." Tina pulled the Latina up from her chair and threw her arm around her shoulder to help steady her before she could start walking again.
"I don't want everyone dropping what they're doing to look out for me." Santana said as her and Tina walked to Santana's car before helping her in the passenger's seat and getting in behind the wheel.
"I'm not dropping what I'm doing. I have a break for about 5 hours till my next appointment. By then Puck will be off and he can come and hang out with you. We want to look out for you, even if you don't think you have the will power yourself. We can help you San. We love you and are here for you no matter what."
"Thanks Tina. I love you." Santana yawned before lazily looking out the window. She fucking hated her medications.
…..
Santana groggily grabbed her phone off the side table when it's ringing woke her up from her third nap of the day. Looking at the caller id, she smiled when she saw the name flashing across the screen. Honestly the thought of Rachel was the only thing that made her happy now a days.
Incoming Call
Estrella
"Hola, Estrella." Santana smiled into the phone, she was happy Rachel decided to call her. She really wanted to hear her voice because the picture she had of them as the background on her phone wasn't enough anymore to even add just a little bit of light into her darkness.
"Hi beautiful. How are you feeling?" Rachel asked, she was sitting in her makeup chair as she applied her stage makeup for her show tonight.
"I've had better days, still not feeling too well." Santana hated lying to Rachel about the reason why she was so off lately. But the last thing she wanted was to loose Rachel. She couldn't handle it.
"Aww, baby. Well how about I come over and nurse you back to health? I'll bring some soup and my vegan peppermint tea you like so much." Rachel bit her lip, she knew something was up and she knew Santana wasn't sick. She's been like this for weeks and she still hasn't been to the doctor. Something was wrong and Rachel was determined to find out what was wrong with her girlfriend.
"I'd like that. But I would like sexy times with Rachel even more. That would cure me I think." Santana silently worried about Rachel coming over. Not that she hasn't been over to her apartment many times before, it's just that she wasn't so sure about her and Rachel being alone now, especially now that Santana was relying on her medications heavily. She would know for sure that something was up and she knew Rachel, if something seemed off Rachel will definitely call it out. Before it used to make her laugh how much she and Rachel were alike in calling out bullshit, now she was terrified because calling of bullshit meant something she was not ready for.
"Well how about this, after I give you some soup and tea, we'll snuggle and watch a movie. We'll even add a kiss or two, and then if you feel better. I'll give you sexy times. How's that sound?" Rachel knew Santana better than Santana thought she did, and the long bits of silence and how Santana lazily spoke her words, she knew something was wrong and there was no telling her there wasn't either.
"I get sexy times? I'm fine with it." Santana yawned, she didn't really want to get out of bed but she figured she could call Puck and let him know Rachel was coming over so he didn't have to come and get something to eat. She could stand a few hours alone, she had to figure out how she was going to work out going around the actual truth with Rachel when she came over.
"Alright then baby. I'll see you after my show. I'll call you when I'm on my way."
"Ok, I'll see you later. Break a leg beautiful." Santana smiled, and it was her first genuine smile for the first time in the last few days. Even though she was worried about telling Rachel the truth, she couldn't help how her heart fluttered whenever she knew she was going to see her soon.
"Thank you." Rachel smiled. "Ok bye baby. Mwah" Rachel happily kissed the phone before ending the call and sitting back in her vanity chair. She was worried about Santana, she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was exactly, but she almost bet that it had something to do with her past that she adamantly has been keeping mum about ever since they first met. But whatever it was she knew that she was going to let the Latina know that there was nothing that could deter her from how she felt about her and that she was going to stay there. She'd never felt this way about someone before and she wasn't going to let it go so easy. Finishing the last of her tea with honey, she quickly ran over her scales and placed the wig and hat on her head as she heard the call time as the curtain raised for another show.
…
Santana sighed as she opened the door when Rachel knocked and immediately enveloped the small diva in a hug. The smaller brunette sighed in Santana's arms and let go before placing her hand to the Latina's forehead.
"You feeling better sweetheart?" Rachel smiled and placed a kiss to her lips.
"I am now. I missed you Rae."
"I missed you too." Rachel smiled lightly before handing the Latina the bowl of soup. "Here, it's still hot. I'm gonna go make you some tea and you lay down and I'll bring it to you. Then we can get our snuggles on, as you like to say."
Santana smiled before going to her bedroom and lying in her bed and opening the bowl of soup and started to eat it. She loved Rachel's cooking, even though it was vegan she didn't mind. It warmed her heart that Rachel cared enough to take care of her. Even if she was faking a sickness, it still made her heart smile that Rachel was so motherly. It reminded her of that time in high school when she first got mono and Brittany took care of her… Brittany. Santana's throat caught as she thought about her. She's never thought about Brittany when Rachel was around. It just reminded her why she was struggling so much with her past now, and how Brittany was the cause of that. She immediately felt the tears prickle at the back of her eyes and she rushed to the bathroom, frantically looking through her medicine cabinet for her meds. She didn't know why she didn't take them before Rachel got there. Finding the exact ones she was looking for she hurriedly opened them and dry swallowed them, holding on to the sink for dear life as she tried to catch her breath from her heart beating so rapidly. She wiped at the tears she knew were falling, she couldn't break down. Not when Rachel was here, she couldn't let Rachel see what a mess she was. She couldn't let it happen. Everything was so great, she couldn't let Rachel see. She had to be strong. "You can't let Rachel see you like this Lopez. Get it together." She scolded herself. She almost had it together as she felt her meds take effect, before she heard someone clear their throat behind her and her heart dropped to her feet.
"Santana?" Rachel asked silently, her heart broke as she saw the beautiful Latina holding onto the sink, wiping her eyes furiously at the tears that were falling. "Baby, are you alright?"
Santana looked at Rachel with wide eyes as she looked at the predicament. Her medications open on the counter in front of her. She was caught, Rachel found out she was crazy. She fucked everything up, just like she did with Brittany. It was too much, she couldn't breathe. The room was spinning, she tried to contain the sobs that were trying to escape her throat. How could she explain this? It was ruined, she always fucked up everything. She fell to her knees and immediately started sobbing. She wasn't strong enough. Her body convulsed with tears as she attempted feebly to hold herself together, but was failing miserably.
Rachel tried to grasp what was happening. Why was Santana taking all those medications? Why was she crying? She immediately snapped herself out of the initial shock and rushed over to her sobbing girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tightly to her chest as she tried to keep her own tears at bay. "Shh, baby calm down I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. What's going on? Why are you crying? Please baby, talk to me."
Santana shook her head as she tried to get herself together. She tried to pry herself out of Rachel's arms, but she wouldn't let her. "I ruined everything." Santana sobbed into Rachel's chest after what felt like 15 minutes of crying.
"You didn't ruin anything sweetheart. Just tell me what's wrong." Rachel wiped at her own tears before she delicately wiped the tears from under Santana's eyes and gently stroking her hair. "You haven't really been sick these last few weeks have you?"
Santana felt her throat clench as she faced the inevitable. How was she supposed to explain this to Rachel, her perfect Rachel? Now more than ever Santana felt the darkness close around her, only Rachel's face was visible at the end of her tunnel vision. She tried so hard to keep herself together, for the sake of Rachel for what she had with Rachel. But it was soon to be over. Rachel would decide that having Santana and all her emotional damage would be too much and move on, while Santana was left to pick up what little she had left of herself. "No." was all she managed to croak out between the fresh batch of sobs that left her throat. She wasn't prepared. It was too soon.
"Please baby, tell me what's wrong." Rachel pleaded. She lifted Santana's chin so that now she was looking her straight in the eyes as fresh tears started to fall from her own as she saw the pain and sadness that was swirling in the beautiful Latina's eyes. "Please."
"Rachel, I don't know why you stayed. I'm a mess. I literally have nothing left of myself." Santana croaked out.
"I'm with you because you're my girlfriend and I care so much about you. More than I've cared for anyone. You and you alone make me happy. Please tell me what's going on, it's breaking my heart to see you in so much pain."
"If I tell you, you'll leave." Santana broke out again.
"I can't leave you like this Santana. I would never." Rachel reassured. There was no way she was going to leave her like this. There was no way in the world. She never wanted to leave, she cared about the Latina in front of her that much. She looked into Santana's eyes again, hoping the broken girl in her arms would see that she was telling the truth and let her know what was going on.
Santana saw the reassurance in Rachel's eyes and took a deep breath. "Alright. But can we go sit in my room?" Rachel helped the beautiful girl off the floor and interlaced her fingers with hers before leading her to her bedroom and sat down on the bed. Santana sat up against her head board and stared down at her fingers before drawing out another shaky breathe.
Rachel sat down on the end of the bed and stared at the Latina with intent eyes, grabbing her hand and placing it in her lap before intertwining their fingers again. "Santana, you can tell me anything. I'm not going to judge, and I'm definitely not going to leave. Trust me enough to know I'm not going to leave."
Santana stared at the beautiful chocolate orbs that were locked with hers. "It's not that I don't trust you. It's just….hard." She let out another deep breath before starting. "You promise you won't leave?"
Rachel kissed their interlaced fingers and squeezed them gently. "I promise."
Santana looked at the ceiling before wiping the tears that fell from her eyes again before starting.
"You remember when I told you how I was outted in high school?" Rachel nodded her head urging the Latina to go on. "Well, it was hard. There was this girl, her name was Brittany. And she was my best friend. We were best friends since the fourth grade and did everything together. We took dance classes together, we both cheer leaded together, and we literally did everything. We were inseparable. I first started feeling things in middle school for her. I thought at first that I just relied on Britt because things were rough at home. My parent's always worked and I always was by myself, so I spent those days with Brittany. When I wasn't with Britt, I was with Puck. I never thought of her in a different way until high school, we were both really popular and were captains of our school cheer squad. Soon we quickly fell into a friends with benefits deal. I just thought that it was experimenting, and it was ok because I just thought that's what kids in high school did, experiment. I soon realized that I was developing feelings for her. And I immediately knew it was wrong. I seen how the gay kids in my school were treated. That wasn't me. I couldn't be gay. I mean yeah I looked at girls, but I looked at guys too. I just told myself that everyone did it. So I pushed those feelings for her aside, and I turned into 'Slutana Hopez'…" Santana scoffed the high school nickname.
"I got around. I mean really got around. I coined the phrase 'Never say no' and that's exactly what I did. I was still having sex with Brittany, and soon it got around the school that me and Britt were sleeping together too. Which surprised no one, considering how we were always attached to each other, linking pinkies as we walked down the hallway together, they just thought that we were too close and me being the slut that I was had just talked Britt into it because I was so manipulative and to top it Britt wasn't exactly that bright either. I soon turned into not only the school's biggest slut, but their biggest bitch as well. I constantly picked on kids and fought and threatened people. I never let anyone in, except for Brittany. She was the only one that saw the real Santana. Anyone who picked on Brittany, I kicked their ass. I quickly became overly aggressive, everyday felt like a war. And as the years went on, it got worse. The more I felt for Britt, the meaner I got. I literally had the entire school jumping out of the way when I walked past. Nobody fucked with me or Britt or Puck. I was drunk on power, and anybody who tried to buck the system quickly got their ass beat. Boy or girl, didn't matter. It was sophomore year when I realized that I was in love with Brittany. She had seen me at my worst and seen me at my best. There wasn't many people who saw the real me. And then there was a side of me that even Puck hadn't seen. I only showed Brittany. So towards the end of sophomore year, Brittany wanted more. We told each other over and over how much we loved one another. And Brittany had openly embraced her bisexuality. I wasn't at that stage yet. So she started dating this kid Artie. He was a paraplegic and Britt had expressed many times before that she liked him. I would just change the subject. Every time she tried to talk about feelings I would push it aside. I claimed that I was just as straight as could be and it was just because I couldn't have sex with a guy, I had sex with Brittany." Santana wiped furiously at the tears that were now falling from her eyes again.
"So Britt started dating Artie and I flew into many a relationship with other guys. I was so sexually aggressive. I used any and every guy I forced myself to think was attractive and had as much sex as possible. Of course me and Britt still kept what we had going, but it was less often because she didn't want to hurt Artie. I of course just assured her it wasn't cheating because the plumbing was different. But it soon became too much to bear. So finally during junior year, I admitted to myself that I was a lesbian and was head over heels in love with my best friend. So I told her. And Brittany by that time was also in love with Artie, and rejected me. Claiming that she loved Artie too and didn't want to hurt him, she said that if her and Artie were to break up we could be together and she would be mine proudly so. I of course was devastated, she was the one that forced me to be honest with myself and who I was and she flat cold rejected me. We didn't speak for a while after that, and that's when it all started going downhill." Santana released another shaky breathe as she started to divulge in the story, never once looking into Rachel's eyes, knowing that if she did she wouldn't have the strength to continue.
"I was so depressed after that, not only had I lost the love of my life at the time. Now I was a closeted lesbian on top of that, pining over a girl I couldn't have. So I got meaner, even more nasty and constantly fought. I couldn't tell anyone, not even Puck. So I kept it inside, it all became just an inner blood bath with me fighting with myself. Until one day I found the comfort in one of the worse ways possible. Drinking only did so much for me at that point, I was the weepy hysterical drunk. Always crying, and always drunk. I one day was in my bathroom shaving and accidently nicked myself with the razor. I was amazed at how even though it was supposed to hurt, I felt relief. So I started cutting, every day it was the same old thing. I would see Britt with Artie and I would almost break down. I would pick a fight with someone then come home and find release with a razor blade. It all started going downhill so fast, I couldn't even catch myself. I started to date one of the football players, Dave. I found out that Dave was also in the closet himself, so we used each other as beards. Every time I would walk with Dave, I saw the look of hurt in Britt's eyes. She knew I was lying to myself and I did too. The cutting just got worse. My mom walked in on me in my daily 'release sessions' and immediately placed me in therapy. They diagnosed me as clinically depressed and prescribed me medication and placed me on watch. I couldn't have razors or use knives. But I snuck them anyways. I needed it, if I didn't release somehow I would burst. But of course I couldn't tell anyone, because then that would mean coming out and I was nowhere near at the stage I needed to be to do that just yet." Santana brushed her bangs off her face and hear Rachel sniffling, she still refused to look her in the eyes so she focused on the thread on her bed spread continuing.
"Finally towards the end of junior year, Britt and Artie broke up. I was ecstatic because I could finally have Britt the way I wanted. I was so in love with her Rachel. I swore up and down she was it for me. The sun rose and set on Brittany. Every time I looked into those bright blue eyes, I saw my soul. My future, I instantly laid my heart out and placed it in her hands. She stopped me from cutting and I was so happy I didn't need my medication anymore. My therapist stopped prescribing it to me. And me and her started the long trek that would be our relationship together. First I came out to Puck my senior year. He was the most important person in my life besides Brittany. The only family I had really, since my parents where never there. Well besides my Abuelita. See, when I was younger I was always with my Abuelita. She practically raised me. She saw my first steps, heard my first words and was the first person to start potty training me. My parents spoiled me rotten because they were never there, and I viewed my Abuelita as my both my parents. She taught me to fight and defend myself, and was the only family member that I respected. Puck was accepting of me being gay and my relationship with Brittany. He already knew, but was just waiting for me to tell him. Puck was my brother. I didn't have any siblings and Puck was the only person that I've known since I could barely speak English. Being around my Abuelita, she spoke mainly in Spanish so that was really my first language. But as things started to get more serious with Britt, I wanted to come out. I was working my way up there. My close friends knew about us, but that was it. Not my parents, my family, the rest of the school and definitely not Abuelita. I had toned down a lot since I got with Britt. I was starting to come to terms with myself, so I still had my snarky HBIC attitude my patience was longer and my temper wasn't easily as sparked as before. Until one day, I had got into a fight with the quarterback of the football team. I had said some mean things and I walked away in triumph as I just stumped the idiot with my snarky comebacks until he hit where it hurt. He screamed at me "Why don't you just come out the closet Santana? You're such a bitch all the time because you just can't accept the fact that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. You know what I think you are? A bitch…. and a lesbian…and a coward."" Santana started crying remembering easily one of the worst days of her life.
"I didn't want to be outted like that. I just stopped in my tracks and everyone stared at me, snickering and making jokes. Until one guy on the hockey team called me a Dyke. And I ran for the hills, with everyone laughing at me as I ran out the doors and immediately went home. I started cutting again. The school called my parents and told them that I left. I finally came out to them and I was so surprised at how supportive they were. They instantly called the guys parents and told them what happened. He was suspended and I was tormented. The only thing that made even coming to school worthwhile was Britt. She was there through it all, all the times I cried all the times when she felt I was turning back to my old ways. She was there. I had stopped taking my meds again after my doctor had prescribed them for me once again when I was dealing with being outted at school. And everything was going fine, the teasing stopped and people were supportive of me and Britt. Everyone then turned their attention to the douchebag the outted me and began tormenting him for using someone's sexuality as a weapon against them. I had become close friends with Tina and Mike, as they supported me too. And when I wasn't with Britt, I was with Tina, Mike and Puck. I slowly started to come out to the rest of my family, until there was only one person left, my Abuelita. My family was so supportive of me, even though most of them knew, a few were shocked that I wasn't with Puck. But none the less they supported me and took Britt in as one of the family. I decided one day after school, I was going to tell my Abuelita. I wasn't nervous because the rest of my family was ok with it, and she loved me the most out of everyone and was the most important woman in the world to me." Santana shook her head at the memory, if she thought being outted was bad. This part took the cake.
"I told her and she immediately disowned me." Santana heard Rachel gasp as she felt a fresh batch a tears fell at the memory. "Said that it was a sin and the sin was in the scandal when you said it aloud. She would have rather me kept it a secret then tell her the most important part of me. She said she never wanted to see me again and was disgusted with me. I was never more hurt and devastated in my life. I could have dealed with my parents disowning me, but my Abuelita? I never thought in a million years it would be her. So once again I reverted back to old ways. My parents were furious with her. And Britt held me through it all. She didn't come to my graduation, she didn't pick up my phone calls, she didn't come over for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I always had to deal with my cousins doing things with her and love and affection, but she never looked my way again. Like her little Santi never existed. I was able to deal after a while and then it turned to anger. I was so mad at the woman that I loved the most and looked up too just blatantly tore me out of her book like that. But there was always two things that were a constant, Britt and Puck. So once we graduated, I decided to move in with Britt. We got a place together as I went to school to become a licensed tattoo artist as Britt went to a performing arts college to major in dance. She wanted to open her own studio. It had always been her dream. And my dream was to own my own tattoo shop and be with Britt for the rest of my life. By that time we were together for almost 2 ½ years. Everything went beautifully after that, I got my license and started working in a shop downtown and Britt had started teaching classes at a local studio as she finished school. Things went beautiful for 2 years after graduation before everything crashed and burned to the ground." Santana felt her throat close up before she started crying again, looking down at her and Rachel's interlaced fingers she composed herself before she started the worse part of the story. The part that lead them into the present day.
"Britt sat me down one day and told me that while she loved me with everything she had, she had reconnected with Artie and wanted to be with him. I felt like someone had ripped the rug from underneath me. I begged, I pleaded. I needed Brittany. She had no idea how much she kept me together throughout everything shitty in my life. She was my everything, but Britt was adamant on giving things with Artie another go. She wanted to remain friends but I couldn't do it. I couldn't just be friends with Brittany. I was so in love with her, my world revolved around her. I had lost and gained so many things in my life because of her. I couldn't just be friends. So I moved out and moved in with Puck. Puck held me through it, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't Brittany. You have no idea how many nights I cried myself to sleep after that, calling her name out in my sleep, dreaming about her, thinking about her and then thinking about her rolling around town on Artie's lap like back in high school. I had officially hit rock bottom. I started cutting again, worse than ever before. I didn't really talk to anybody about what I was dealing with not even Puck. I slept around a lot, this time only girls. I was repulsed by the idea of anything sexual with men. I got pissy drunk every day. Going out to the club one night, one of the artists that I worked with introduced me to this guy named Dean. Dean sold oxycodone and gave me some to try it out. I was hooked. I loved how when I got high, I no longer though about Britt or the shit hole of a life I was living without her while she was out and in love with Artie. I tried coke with Dean once, but I didn't like the high it gave me. So I just stuck with the oxy. It had gotten out of control. Puck had picked me up plenty of nights and took care of me when the people I was hanging out with called him after I got high and drunk off my ass and passed out. Puck tried so hard to keep it together, Tina and Mike did too. But there was nothing they could do, I had spiraled down until I thought it could get no worse. Until my dad called me and told me Abuelita died. Even though I was so mad at her, I truly thought at that point there was nothing left for me. Despite the fact that I had Puck and his family, Tina and hers and Mike and his, I always held on to the little hope that she would come around and accept me for who I was. After the ordeal in high school my parents went back to their old ways and all I had was Britt, Puck, Mike and Tina. After Britt left me and my Abuelita died. I couldn't take it. I learned that Abuelita took me out of her will and forbade anyone to speak of me at her funeral; she didn't even want me to come. I had enough. I was with Puck that night…" Santana started to break down sobbing again as she thought about that night. She composed herself when she felt Rachel tightly squeeze her hand and continued through her tears.
"He held me while I cried my eyes out and drowned my sorrows in an entire bottle of tequila. I had it. I told Puck I was going to the bathroom cause I was sick. I went to the bathroom and found my stash of oxy. I took all I had left… which was about 8 and washed them down with the rest of the tequila. I sat in the middle of the bathroom floor and cried till everything went black." Santana heard Rachel break out into heavy sobs at this point. She wanted to stop, but she had to tell Rachel the rest. "Next thing I knew when I came back to consciousness, I was being whisked by past bright white lights. I thought I was seeing the light. I was so content in the fact that I ended all of my pain and suffering, until I heard Puck crying my name. I didn't know what was going on. I started seizing and throwing up and then Puck was gone. Next thing I thought I saw was Brittany. I was so happy that she was there with me while I ended everything before it went black. I woke up two weeks later in the Psych ward. I was on suicide watch for two weeks as my body was nursed back enough to health before I was checked into St. Mary's rehab clinic and Mental ward as my body detoxed from all the drugs I consumed over that last year and a half, I was there for six months before I was checked into the Mental Ward, I was there for another six months as I sat through group therapy, NA and solo therapy sessions. It was there that I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, anxiety, insomnia and post-traumatic stress disorder. I soon started to develop night terrors of the incident when I tried to kill myself. I spent a year at St. Mary's, trying to put back the pieces of what was left of my life. Puck, Tina and Mike visited me every day. They helped me retain what little sanity I had left. Once I was cleared safe enough to go home and to self-medicate myself, I stayed with Puck as I went through another 2 years of outpatient therapy. They prescribed me with all these medications, and that's what you saw me take in the bathroom. I've been doing good for a while, I haven't really needed them. But when things started getting serious with you, I was so afraid you would leave and I would go through the same thing I did with Britt. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to deal again. So I've been taking them regularly. I have prescriptions for my depression and anxiety as well as sleeping pills for my insomnia and dream suppressants and sedatives for my night terrors. I still get them every once in a while, but nowhere near as frequent as I did when I was at St. Mary's. So after all that here we are, a broken girl from a broken family trying to keep what little happiness she has left in her life with her girlfriend that she hasn't had this deep of feelings for since Brittany. I'm so sorry Rachel…" Santana broke down again before she felt Rachel wrap her arms around her tightly as they sobbed into each other's necks.
"You have nothing to feel sorry for Santana. You've been through a lot, too much for one person to handle. I admire your strength to be able to bounce back from that. I'm so happy you let me in and told me. I'm not going anywhere. I'll never do to you what Brittany did, ever. I'm here." Rachel sobbed into Santana's neck before kissing her lightly on the lips. "I will kiss every scar until they're healed." Rachel said before lifting Santana's arms and placed kisses over every scar she could find. "I will be here for you every step of the way, until you can love yourself again. I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'll will go to therapy sessions and meetings and listen when you need someone to talk to. Just please don't shut me out." Rachel pleaded looking into Santana's eyes for the first time since she started her story.
"Thank you Rachel. You have no idea how much it means to hear that." Santana said softly. "Lay with me?" She asked quietly.
"Of course beautiful." Rachel laid next to Santana on top her covers and wrapped the Latina in her arms, placing soft kisses on the back of her neck. She silently started to hum as she felt the taller brunette's body tremble with silent sobs. "Let it out baby, I'm not going anywhere. I promise." She said as she started to sing softly into the Latina's hair.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Rachel cried softly at the beautiful being in her arm's pain as she finished her song and she felt the woman's body stop trembling and her breathing even out as she fell asleep. Rachel knew then and there that she wasn't going anywhere from the Latina. She actually felt her feelings for her grow as Santana's story went on. She never knew someone could go through so much and still keep themselves together even as remotely as well as Santana did. She had a whole new respect for her. "I promise baby, I will be there to fix you…" Rachel mumbled before she let her hug her tighter before she let sleep overcome her.
...
And there you have it, Santana finally got up the courage to tell Rachel everything. The song is 'Fix You' by Coldplay. It's one of the most beautiful songs ever written in my opinion and I thought that it would match perfectly with Santana and what she's been through. I hope it wasn't too much :/