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Chapter 10

Normandy, after the failed Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel.

Garrus didn't know what to think. What to do. Shepard had just told him what happened between her and Kaidan during her house arrest and the Alliance proceedings back on Earth a few months ago.

'Garrus, it was a mistake.'

'Joan, do you care about him?'

'Not as much as I love you. Kaidan has a place in my heart, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome that. But I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don't know what I would do without you.'

Garrus closed his eyes and listened to what she was saying with his whole body. Every part of him was manifesting a different response. His mind weighed the odds of losing her, his guts froze with the thought that she allowed another man touch her, his heart ran faster because she, probably unknowingly, just told him that she loved him for the first time.

Shepard looked apprehensively at Garrus' still form in front of her. They were in her quarters, standing in front of her fish tank. He had his eyes closed and a pained expression on his face. She knew she was wrong, but it would have been even worse if she didn't say anything. Especially because Kaidan had come back to the Normandy. Her insides churned.

'Please, look at me.' Sheppard's voice was small, unguarded.

Garrus opened his eyes and gave her his piercing blue eyed stare. Shepard held her stance, open to whatever he would say or do. She would fight for him, and she would apologize until the end of everything in order to not lose him.

He reached for her, took her upper arms in his hands and dragged her close to him. He enveloped her in a tight, desperate embrace. His face buried in her hair, he felt her surrounding him as well, her hands clinging to his back, desperate to hold all of him.

'Did you ever consider not coming back to me?'

'Never. I was taken over by emotion, by anger, by the little love I have left for him and that wasn't enough to make it worth it to lose you. I came to my senses, stopped immediately and ever since I have been nothing but civil towards the Major.' Shepard spoke into his bare chest, inhaling the scent that was only his.

They parted, and he continued with his steely blue stare. 'Are you telling me this only because the Major came back to the Normandy?'

'No, I've been meaning to tell you ever since I rescued you from Menae. Remember the times I came to you in the main battery, I tried to talk to you but you were too busy? Yeah… that many times.'

'Can I kill him?'

'What?! Garrus…'

'What? There's no harm in asking…' - He chuckled. - 'I understand what happened, Joan. We were apart, we didn't know where we stood after wiping away the collectors, and there were still unresolved issues between you and the Major.'

Shepard felt like she just had been released from a 5G prison and came back to normal gravity. She was free from her guilt. There was still a nagging feeling inside her which still missed Kaidan, but she had made her choice.

oO0~0Oo

Garrus snuck out in the middle of the night; he was still shaken from what Shepard had told him. He almost lost her, but she still chose him. Personal affairs in turian culture are expected to be handled civilly and privately. They were still a predator species, and his blood demanded him to kill his opponent. But these types of instincts were usually useless, and he would never disrespect Shepard like that. She was fully capable of making her own decisions, and he would never be arrogant enough to take away her choices. Whatever those choices would be, he would respect them as any decent turian would.

Kaidan heard the telling hiss of the observation deck's door. Coming back to the Normandy with Sheppard in command felt like coming home. He looked back and didn't know what to think about who was standing in the threshold. Garrus had a chilling look in his eyes.

'Major.'

'Garrus.'

'What are your intentions towards your Commander?'

'Whatever she orders me to. She's my superior.' Kaidan had a suspicious tone.

'She wasn't your superior a few months back.' His voice was ice.

'No, she wasn't.' Ah, she must have told him.

'I thoroughly respect her wishes, no matter its nature. Who she wants in her life is her decision. Can I expect you will do the same?'

'Absolutely.'

'Thank you, Major.' Garrus left.

oO0~0Oo

Normandy, current time.

Garrus and Kaidan stood awkwardly in front of the elevator.

'So, how was breakfast?'

'It was alright. They have good food there.'

Garrus looked intently at Kaidan, something in the turian's eyes was akin to something Kaidan could only describe as worry. It was clear it wasn't about him. Garrus turned his look to the elevator, and Kaidan understood it. He was worried about Shepard too.

'Good, good. Well, nice seeing you Major. I still haven't heard from my family. We'll talk more some other time.' – Garrus left for the comm room. He still had to contact the Primarch about his family.

oO0~0Oo

Up at the loft, Shepard was sorting her belongings. Her beloved miniature ships collapsed into small squares for easy transport. Her clothing was folded up on her bed. A couple of her private armor and weapons were also set aside for her to put away in one of her footlockers. She reached for her picture frame. A picture of Kaidan popped up on the screen. She remembered when that picture was taken. Eden Prime, their first mission together. Hum, things were much simpler then.

After getting everything ready, four footlockers were stuffed to the brim, and a pistol had to be left behind. She went to her console and was able to check with Kasumi that she had managed to restock both her apartment and cottage with both levo and dextro supplies, and according to her, "a few other essentials". Shepard could only imagine what the thief meant by that. She didn't know if her apartment or cottage were still standing and spent the rest of her afternoon trying to reach anyone capable of providing the information.

It was almost the end of the day when news finally came in. The apartment wasn't too affected, and her cottage's city was untouched. She had everything ready for her and Garrus. They'll be safe. She could even smell the leaves and the water.

With everything settled, she stood in the small office space in her quarters, looking at nowhere specific. The blue light from the fish tank began transitioning from blue, purple, red… 'I don't want to die again'. She pointed the weapon forward and started clicking the trigger. Sheppard saw only darkness surrounded with red, as if it was an infinite tunnel that sucked her in and drowned her in despair. Darkness.

oO0~0Oo

Garrus finished his last holo-conference for the day. His orders were to organize with the Alliance a new Turian-Human partnership to organize a turian re-settlement in Oma-Kerr and Digeris. There are two billion survivors from Palaven scattered around the galaxy, and they have no way of re-colonizing their home planet in the next 50 years. They arranged plans to fully colonize Oma-Kerr mainly due to its previously low population. Most of the planet was still intact. The Primarch requested him to go to Virmire and convene with the Council and the Turian hierarchy. Just this trip will take weeks.

In all this chaos, he found his father and sister in Senoquol, a salarian colony. They were alright but had nowhere to go, and the levo planet has been running low on dextro rations. Spirits, what am I going to do?

Garrus wrapped up work for the day and went to the loft. That place almost felt like home, especially because Shepard was finally back. He didn't see her there when he opened the door. She's probably somewhere else in the ship.

He walked in, turned the lights on, and that's when he saw it. Shepard's form sprawled on the floor, in the space between her desk and the bathroom, a pool of dark red blood surrounding her head. She had a gun in her hand.

'Edi! Call Doctor Chakwas here NOW!' – He remembered Edi was no more and pulled up his communicator. – 'Doctor Chakwas, come to Shepard's room NOW. Something happened, there's blood everywhere.'

He walked around the sprawled form on the floor, and his insides were glacial. He was afraid of touching her and making things worse. Her face was turned towards the bathroom, so he opened its door to make room and kneeled down.

Her face was ashen. He had seen humans losing blood before, and the amount on the floor made him desperate. He found her left hand and took his gloves off to feel her skin. It was still warm, there was still time. Spirits, please, let her be okay. He chanted in his head.

A hand came to his shoulder and brought him to reality. He looked up and saw Dr Chakwas. She had a bag in her hand and was already scanning Shepard with her omni-tool. In the background, Garrus could hear random sounds.

'Garrus! Garrus, I need to reach her!' Dr Chakwas raised her voice to jar the turian into action.

'Of course, what do you need?'

The doctor knelt beside Shepard. 'Secure that weapon. Check if it was fired.' The scan was feeding all sorts of information to the doctor.

Garrus did what she said and relayed his findings. 'Yes, but it is empty. No thermal clips.'

Chakwas looked around and saw a blood mark on the corner of the desk. 'Ah, she must have collapsed and hit her head. Here, help me turn her.'

Shepard was completely limp, but when she was finally facing up, he could see her chest rising up and down. She's alive.

'Ah, yes, that is a nasty cut. One would think it would be interesting to make seamless edges on a top of the line ship. But no… it's all about guns and power, and small things which can make you bleed buckets are left behind.'

Moving her head to the left, the gash on the side of Shepard's head was fully revealed, and it reminded Garrus of the Canyons on Menae. It was deep and long, went from the back base of her skull, behind her ear up to the middle of her forehead.

The doctor isolated the cut and used a line of medigel while pushing the edges together. The cut began to close in front of Garrus' eyes. In minutes, there was only blood, and the offending injury was no more.

'Garrus, help me take her to the med bay. I need to do a head scan to rule out a concussion. Don't be alarmed by the blood, these often bleed a lot. Leave the worry for when it's needed.'

Garrus removed his top armour to give him more mobility and collected his heart off from the floor. Her hair was matted with blood and his white thermal undershirt was painted crimson. Holding his heart in his arms, they got to the elevator and made their way to the med bay.

Garrus knew Shepard wouldn't have liked to have been paraded like that, but the small route from the elevator to their destination had enough workers to make what happened a viral gossip by this time tomorrow.

Kaidan was in the med bay for his appointment with Doc Chakwas, waiting, when he saw his nightmare incarnate.

'What happened?'

'Here, Garrus, use this gurney. Now please step back, and let me do my work.'

Kaidan and Garrus stood back, watching the doctor assess her patient. They, on the other hand, had no patience at all and seeing Shepard like that gritted them raw.

'What happened, Garrus?' Kaidan asked.

'I believe she collapsed and hit her head on the edge of the desk. There was blood everywhere.' She had a gun in her hand… 'Her day must have been too draining for her, and her recovering body may have just demanded rest. We'll know more when she wakes up.'

Kaidan looked at Garrus and knew he wasn't being completely honest with his report. That worried look in his eyes was still there, enhanced a hundred fold.

Shepard came to in the med bay. Her head was pounding and she felt filthy. Looking to her side, she saw Doc Chakwas and behind her, Garrus and Kaidan. Shepard closed her eyes again. What happened? She was going to take a shower.

'Aw, yes, good. Good.'

'Doctor?' They both asked in unison.

'Shepard, how are you? What happened?'

'I don't know. I think I blacked out.'

'Kaidan, Garrus, please leave. I need to speak to the Commander in private. Kaidan, we'll talk tomorrow at 07:00.' – The duo left.

'Ok, Shepard, cut the bullshit. What is going on?'

Shepard knew the Doc was a direct person, but that felt like the start of an interrogation. – 'I'm fine, Doc. I think I fainted. You probably have more information than I. Did I cut my head?' - Shepard was touching the tender area where she had the cut, her hand came back sticky with blood.

'Shepard, you had extensive injuries. Your treatment was on point but you are severely malnourished. This will make your body heal a lot slower, no matter how much medicine you take.'

'I understand, Doc. I just forgot to eat today. I've been taking my meds in time and am taking good care of everything else. How are my implants?'

'They are working perfectly. You'll be free of your cane soon enough.'

'That is good to know, Doc. Can I go now?'

Karin gave Shepard a good, long, and hard look. 'Yes, but you'll come here tomorrow at oh eight hundred. I want to run tests on you. It's late now, and you have blood all over yourself.'

oO0~0Oo

Shepard left the med bay and reached her quarters. When she opened the door, she was welcomed by a humbling sight. Garrus was on his knees, towel in hand and a bucket next to him. He was cleaning her blood from the floor. His hands were stained and his undershirt had the imprint of her form on it. She could see the worry pouring from his features.

'Garrus, here, let me help.' She approached him and bent over.

'No. Tell me, Joan, what would have happened if that weapon had a thermal clip?' His eyes were on her.

'Garrus, it's not like that, I…'

'So you are telling me that you didn't try to kill yourself?'

'No. I don't know.' - Did I? – She looked away.

'Joan, something happened in that final push, and it has marked you, changed you somehow. You try to act nice and OK, but I can see through that. I may be inexperienced with humans but I know you well enough to see you are hiding something.' He was still kneeling on the floor. His stance made him look like he was pleading.

'Joan, please, let ME help. I have always supported you, but now you are not letting me in anymore. Please, what happened?'

A tear escaped Shepard's eye. She could never tell him. 'Garrus, I'm ok.'

Garrus looked down and continued wiping the floor in silence. Shepard went to the bed, picked up her things, and entered the bathroom. Removing her clothing, she was again presented with her form. The mirror told her ugly truths, her ribs were showing and her curves were more angular, her bra was loose. Her skin looked like it had never seen battle in all of its 35 years, but she knew that underneath it, almost a third of her wasn't even human anymore.

Garrus heard the shower start. He finished cleaning up. He really hated the colour red. He never thought about that colour before her. Usually blue, the colour of his own blood, was his most feared colour, but now red was hand in hand with blue. He grabbed the bucket and took it back to the maintenance area himself. He didn't want anyone prying into their room.

When he came back, she was fast asleep under the thermal blanket. This ship has always been too cold for her, especially when she cranked the ventilation up after she showered. He took his sleep boxers and hit the shower. Looking at his hands, he noticed red rims on his claws. I need to file them… the red needed to be off his hands.

He came out of the shower, his skin sucking up the moisture left after towelling, he climbed on the bed and embraced his heart. She, as always, instinctively snuggled closer to him. Now that the urgency of her arrival was gone, he felt how fragile her body was. He felt with his hands that most of her softness was replaced by edges and grooves that were never there before. He buried his nose in her hair and held her close, letting sleep take him.

oO0~0Oo