Chapter Ten

Thin Ice

Perhaps the reality of the world is sometimes too heavy for those within it to comprehend until it comes crashing down on their heads. After a night of torturous dreams of things he'd rather have forgotten, Ichigo woke with a start to realize that he was in Tōshirō's rooms. And he was sick, incredibly sick, and stood and stumbled to the bathroom. He stared at his reflection for a long time. Just what the hell had happened?

King? A voice queried in his head. Soft, and strangely calm.

Ichigo blinked, staring for a long time at the stranger that stood there. Something was different, something that left him feeling bereft and empty and cold. Too cold. Words stabbed into him that Tōshirō had spoken. About having choices and making choices but in the end, had he even made one choice?

King, you don't want to go there. Leave it. This is a bad place to head into, king, you know that…

He shook his head. No, something was different. His heart ached and he didn't know what to do about it. His mind flashed back to things that he'd said, things he'd done, all in the last few days. Less than two weeks and his entire world had been turned upside down and inside out and no one seemed to care. His tail flicked behind him and he grabbed it, staring at it with disdain. Because of this. This change. It made him into something he wasn't, something…disgusting. He even asked Tōshirō such things, to love him to care about him, what the hell was he thinking?

His mind spun sickly and he was vomiting violently into the bowl and he couldn't catch a thought sideways or right ways. No, this was wrong, so very wrong… Yesterday, before he'd transformed into the resurrección, he'd been happy, actually happy, and wasn't even conscious of the fact he should feel any other way. Even after the fight with those Arrancar, he felt good, high almost. Like he was surfing a wave of energy.

But now it was gone. Whatever had been there, it was gone now. He no longer felt like he had to have someone beside him. The intense need of the day before to be with Tōshirō…it had drained away.

Perdoname, mijo, it is because of me, came the female voice from his inner world. He leaned against the wall and stared blankly at the ceiling. I've absorbed the part of you that was more animal than human when I manifested. I took away the things that made you feel different, that made you animal. Those things that gave you animal needs. You do not have them anymore.

That fullbringer had turned him into more of an animal than any of them realized, he concluded suddenly, as he was violently ill again at the thought. He'd groveled, begged even, to have Tōshirō end that awful, driving madness that had settled into him the minute Soul Society's energy had filled him, activating that animal core. That animal piece that demanded three things of him, to eat, sleep, and fuck. And he'd even convinced himself that it wasn't the animal that wanted those things, that demanded a mate.

He stood on shaky limbs. No one noticed, or had they not cared? How could they not realize what was happening? He'd turned into a simpering weakling. And he remembered fearing Tōshirō but at the same time wanting him so desperately, but that was gone now. That want was gone completely and he only felt sick and weak at the thought of the person who had inhabited his body recently and how it was not him. He braced a hand against the wall and blinked. How much of what Tōshirō had said and done had been influenced by the animal he was? And could he even trust what Tōshirō said? He'd said himself that he had been affected by the pheromones, but he had better control. How much control had he in the end, Ichigo wondered. He turned and was sick a third time, this time, nothing but bile and heaving emptiness came from his throat.

"Ichigo?" came Tōshirō's voice from outside the door. "Are you okay?"

Ichigo couldn't do this. No, not this. He sighed. "Go away," he said and leaned over and stared at the strange cat eyes that looked back at him. Don't do this, king. I don't like where this is going. It's raining again.

"What's wrong?" came the question and Ichigo had to go. Now.

He opened the door and found Tōshirō staring at him with a curious look. Ichigo pushed him away and moved past, stumbling as he went, nearly falling. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he shoved it off and turned around, staring wide eyed at the small captain. He swallowed.

"Ichigo, what's going on?" Tōshirō asked, brow crinkling.

"No, no, this is wrong," he said, shaking his head.

Tōshirō was obviously confused. Since coming to terms with what he was expected to do, he'd struggled with the idea that it wasn't Ichigo anymore. No matter what Masumoto said, it was a different person standing there, but something was different now. Drastically. This wasn't the same person as yesterday.

"Ichigo?" He asked again, fearing there was something going on with the hollow or the new spirit.

"No. I'm…leaving…going somewhere…" Ichigo said, shaking his head and turning away. He had to leave, get away from here. His head was throbbing madly and he needed to be away from Tōshirō, from what a creature he'd become.

Tōshirō reached out to grab his arm, only to make him wait, explain, but he found himself flying backward with a force he didn't expect as black reiatsu flared around him. "No, fucking no," Ichigo said. "No…fuck. Get the fuck away from me," he said, red sparking around his eyes as he stared at the slowly standing Tōshirō. "Don't…don't…" he said, shaking his head before he disappeared out the door and the sound of a sonido followed him.

A moment later, Matsumoto appeared in the open doorway and looked at her captain. "Taichou?" she asked. "What was that? It felt like Ichigo's reiatsu spiked…"

"I don't know what happened, he snapped…" he said, looking up at her. "It was like Ichigo was suddenly himself again."

"What do you mean, taichou? I thought we talked about him being different because of the stuff…" she began.

Tōshirō shook his head. "No, I mean it was Ichigo, not whatever that was yesterday. That wasn't him. This, this was Ichigo again. I haven't seen this Ichigo since I spoke to him in the hospital before the fullbringer got her hands on him. I'm going to the fourth. Can you get Abarai and Kuchiki? Someone needs to find out where he went."

He found himself telling Unohana about the strangeness of the last three days, completely filling her in on everything that had happened. She listened patiently and then sighed.

"I can't tell yet, not without running some tests. But if what you say is true, we have some serious problems. I believe that we've made a grave error…" she said, standing and retrieving the files from when he was brought in, and summoning someone to bring some older versions. She poured over them and shook her head.

"I missed something so very simple," she said with a sigh, rubbing her forehead.

Tōshirō shook his head. "I don't see what you mean," he said, looking at the papers.

"The only difference between now and yesterday was the emergence of the resurrección spirit, correct?" she said looking at Tōshirō seriously.

"Yes, and like I said, he was…irresistible for some reason when… Oh." He blinked and looked at her. "Oh, this is bad."

Unohana sighed. "Very. In a way, when you said it wasn't him, you were right. It really wasn't. Look at this, this is a scan of the soul frequencies, never mind the details, but you see how it is different here and then here when he came into Soul Society and collapsed? We assumed that what the woman had done had altered his soul. Which it did. What we didn't expect to see is that alteration, this frequency here, coalescing into the resurrección spirit, and my bet is, his soul frequency will be back to this normal again now."

Tōshirō rubbed his temples. "So what exactly are you saying?"

"There is no way that he was in what could be considered his 'right mind' since we pulled him out of Fumiki's clutches. He was, at first, very animal like. Once his brain was repaired, everyone, including me, thought that he was fine. Don't you see, though? We were wrong. Just fixing his mind didn't change the fact he still had the attributes and drives of the animal. And so much of a change that his soul couldn't handle it so it opted for using the ambient spiritual energy to create a resurrección spirit, to take over those drives and that nature that he couldn't handle," she paused.

"His reiatsu potential is greater than we anticipated…" came a voice from the doorway. Both looked up to see a hat wearing ex-captain. "And you are correct. We were sorely mistaken. And it will be Ichigo that pays the price for our mistake."

Tōshirō thought. "Okay so why didn't the spirit show up before he had to go through the whole animal heat thing?"

Urahara sat down. "Time, to be honest. The spirit finally manifested, and by the end of the day, after the situation had faded, the spirit gathered all the animal pieces into herself. And today, Ichigo woke up with clear memory of everything that has happened, and not understanding any of it."

Tōshirō dropped his head to the table and groaned. Urahara glanced at him. "So basically, I'm as bad as that fullbringer."

Urahara looked at Unohana and sighed. "Tōshirō, you were under the influence of the same effects that Ichigo was. Essentially, you were being used as well. The animal needed to satisfy the need to mate. You were the only one accessible to him that was trusted enough to not fear because of the fact you were with him during the incident in the human world. The pheromones that were released wreaked havoc on everyone. You were not immune, but since you were already close to him, and the animal recognized you as his protector, you were affected differently, becoming the aggressor and defending him from others and their advances. And then, once you claimed him as mate, he became submissive and agreeable to whatever you wanted because that was what the instincts said to do. A position that Ichigo is not fond of, neither being protected or being at someone else's whim. No doubt his own actions cause him more distress than anything you did in answer to them."

Tōshirō remained with his forehead on the table as he sensed Rukia and Renji enter the room. Urahara spoke up.

"Renji-san, Rukia-san, I need you both to find Ichigo and bring him here immediately," he said with a sigh.

"What happened?" she asked, looking at Tōshirō.

"It seems that we made an error when dealing with the situation. Ichigo has fully regained his senses, and I'm afraid the impact was severe," Unohana said slowly. "The emergence of the Resureccion spirit has cleared his human mind."

Renji frowned deeply. "And what exactly was that transformation?"

Urahara sighed. "It is complicated, but essentially, the time that passed and the ambient spiritual energy of Soul Socieity caused a resurrección spirit, as you saw yesterday, to be created. To do so, it pulled the animal that Aizen had created out of Ichigo. Basically, it disintegrated Ichigo and the animal to create a separate entity. The problem is, Ichigo never recovered from the attack in the human world, then he was used by Fumiki, and then in answering the animal part, he was again forced into a situation he didn't want. Now…I'm not sure what his mental state is."

Tōshirō groaned. "And Tōshirō was also influenced by the situation and was slightly…out of his own nature when dealing with Ichigo in that state. So Ichigo may feel less likely to trust anyone. Tōshirō was the one he placed the most trust in, hence the reason the animal went to him, but in answering the animal side's needs, he broke the trust he had with Ichigo," Urahara said, patting the white haired captain on the back.

Rukia nodded and her and Renji left to find the missing shinigami. Tōshirō didn't want to move from the spot he was sitting in again.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo couldn't flash anymore by the time he stopped. It seemed he could sonido and Shunpo. Strange, he thought to himself. He'd had to stop several more times when he was sick again. Finally, he fell exhausted to the ground in an open field area. He honestly had no idea where he was. He didn't care at the moment if a hollow came along and swallowed him whole. It might be easier than dealing with what was spiraling through his mind. He'd shut out Tigre, the hollow and Zangetsu. Their constant droning was irritating. He couldn't take it.

He didn't do well with weakness. And at the moment, he couldn't have felt weaker. After allowing humans to break him down, then having a damn fullbringer take advantage of that weakness, then of all people, Tōshirō. He'd trusted him, with everything. And what happened? He was weak, and someone took advantage of that weakness. Of course, he wasn't really as angry at Tōshirō as he was with himself for being weak in the first place.

If he hadn't been so fucking weak in the human world, Fumiki would never have had the opportunity to get ahold of him, and then the whole thing would have been avoided.

In the end, it was completely his fault. Everything. His own failure, his own weakness, his own shortcomings are what led him here. And now, he had to deal with it and he couldn't. He felt like his brain was numb and everything was falling apart. And he was crying for pity's sake, sobbing even as he lay under the clear sky, exhausted beyond belief. He wasn't sure what hurt more, the fact that he hadn't cried since his mother died, or that he was crying alone.

And it hurt that he wanted to be comforted. He wanted someone to make it go away, and he shouldn't need that. He should be stronger than that. He shouldn't need external comfort. And he shouldn't feel sorry for what he was putting Tōshirō through because he knew, Tigre had explained things before he'd slammed the door shut on his inner world. He knew that he had, just like Ichigo, answered to the animal call. And it wasn't his fault. It really wasn't. But still, the hurt and betrayal stung, even if he knew that he couldn't have avoided what had happened.

Perhaps it was because Ichigo knew beyond a doubt that his chance of a normal relationship with another being was forever tainted. He was forever tainted and changed for this. He had been enjoying the closeness he was beginning to feel with Tōshirō in the world of the living. He felt like he could connect with him, outcast and extremely powerful, and woefully misunderstood. Then the warehouse, and when he didn't treat him like a broken child afterward, Ichigo felt like maybe…just maybe…there could be something more than pity in his teal eyes.

Then the Fullbringer and Grimmjow. And his world descended into mad chaos. Voiceless then thoughtless, and it was so nice, he remembered, when he didn't have to think. Being an animal and not having to think about complex things…

But even then, something whispered through to his mind. Something that was whispering and whispering and calling out to him. He had no idea what it was, but it got stronger when Grimmjow was near him, and he felt it pulling on him, and even when his mind had descended at the deepest point of being nearly nothing but animal, he felt it. Whatever it was, it confirmed his humanity and kept his sanity intact. The whole idea was ludicrous. He was hearing whispers in his head, and somehow instead of going insane it kept him sane. It didn't make a damn bit of sense. But there it was. Echoes in his mind. Then the whispers were quiet in the world of the living, then gone in Soul Society. Then blasting through his brain with a fire as he fought the Arrancar, exploding along with the power from Tigre.

He coughed thickly and rolled to throw up into the grass beside him again. There was nothing there as he heaved until his stomach muscles cramped and he sputtered coughing sobs instead. How far he'd fallen, how far he'd dropped…he wondered if there was any way back up from here? The voices in his inner world were a cacophony but he ignored them. No it would do no good. He was completely incapable of reason at this moment in time.

He pulled Tigre from his belt and stared at the ornate long knife. It really wasn't a dagger, it was too long, with a curved blade, and a hilt wrapped in black and white stripes. He wondered how much he would have to cut to die in Soul form. It really wasn't a bad idea. If he wasn't here, he wouldn't have to deal with this, and Tōshirō would be free of him. And he wouldn't have to worry about the fact that he was somehow expected to handle giving birth to things that he wasn't even sure would resemble humans.

He was tired of everyone choosing for him. Tōshirō said he had a choice, but he didn't, not really. He never did. From the moment he slumped into Tōshirō's arms on the sidewalk eons ago, until right this second with the blade of his new zanpakutou hovering against the flesh of his arms. He wasn't given the choice on when and how he found himself loving someone. He wasn't given the choice on what was done to his body. He wasn't given the choice on anything.

But now he had a choice. And it was the only one left open. He'd be experimented on, poked, prodded and called a freak and be known as that one shinigami who was an arrancar too, and if he was lucky Kurotsuchi wouldn't get his hands on him. No, there was only one option. He smiled up at the sky and dug the point of the blade into his arm, feeling the stinging pain and welcoming it as he sliced open the long vein in his forearm easily with the sharp blade. He heard Tigre screaming. But he had the power now. And she couldn't stop him. The hollow couldn't stop him.

He was in control finally.