Losing Grace
By Ryukansen
Chapter Ten: Dirt
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Author's Notes: Thank you for everyone who has been reading this fan fiction! I hope that you all continue to read and review, like always! I'm speculating that it might become more…dramatic and angst later on. I've been trying to put as much angst as I could - but it takes time to develop characters and their feelings…If mines are any at all developed.
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That white room, his room, would always hold those delicate memories no matter what.
To be honest, he had lied about his whole illness to Arthur. His disease was not gone. How could it be? If it were so, he would have removed that room as quickly as possible, it was disgusting to him… - but that was the only good room to fit Arthur in. It was perfect, white, beautiful - nothing like the shabby areas his house was known for.
He didn't care though - despite the room's comfortable appearance and atmosphere, it was more appropriate for Arthur's status rather than him.
After all, he was still the dirt carrying that pedestal.
Alfred traveled down to the first floor finding Kiku and Liechtenstein in a light and airy conversation. The two seemed to be awkward around one another, one looking away while the other staring at his cup of homemade tea. He decided to leave the two alone, he knew how they were together but always hoped for them to come to good terms.
When they were little Liechtenstein and Kiku never rarely spoke to one another. He never knew why, but there was some string of hints that kept tugging in the back of his mind. They always seemed hostile, but never threatening when they were in the same room.
He crept outside to the backyard finding Vash and Matthew speaking quietly amongst themselves on fresh tree stumps. They were talking about some sort of scheduling for the next things to be done on the farm, but stopped abruptly when he came to join in on their fun.
"So how are the two guests?" Matthew replied sweetly as he stared at his brother who seemed to be weary and guilt-ridden for some reason. Alfred looked away for a couple of seconds while scratching the back of his head.
"They're fine. Just tired." He responded automatically as their eyes met. Vash had remained quiet the whole conversation and stared at the fields growing rapidly before them. An eerie silence was covering the whole area as the three seemed to become uneasy.
"When is dinner?" Vash asked all of a sudden, trying to make noise for the uneasy silence to disappear. Alfred gazed back at the house while letting out a sigh.
"About 30 minutes…" He assumed and sat on the ground below him.
"I don't understand why you even wanted to bring them here." Vash muttered in disbelief while gazing at the cattle herding themselves slowly on a small slope. Young ones were following their mothers while the adults lazily wandered around with each other. "…Especially that Arthur. I thought he was gone for good."
Vash's tone was very unpleasant, especially to Alfred as the young man crouched down while sitting on a huge rock on his knees. He was surveying the landscape with the same intense silence, but a more crazed emotion ran through his eyes.
"Now, now…it's not the time to argue." Matthew piped up while holding onto his brother's hand, knowing full well Alfred was about ready to rage.
Matthew knew well how Alfred was when he was in the fit of rage. It was frightening, disheartening, and scary. He did not know where his brother got that strange behavior, but he remembered how much it made his mother sad and father angry.
"Let's go back in shall we?" His brother murmured softly under his breath while lifting himself up from the soft grass beneath. Matthew nodded while getting up himself, "Vash…let's go, alright?" Alfred asked quietly while staring hard at the young man who was occupied with the landscape.
"I'll come in a moment." The quiet one whispered while staring back into the nothingness.
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When Alfred and Matthew both entered the dining room, everyone was seated, except for Vash who was still outside and now found walking the cattle back to the barn. Everyone was silent and in a defensive mood, each of them feeling threatened by one another.
For Liechtenstein it was more of Kiku who was threatening her position as Alfred seemed to have more affection for the Japanese than her (it was her speculation, not his though). This feeling, however, was purely from the past - which could never change.
Kiku was feeling overwhelmed by Liechtenstein's constant bitter frowns, and feigned smiles, Alfred noticed his fidgety movements whenever their eyes met.
But…Arthur…he was in the worse position. The young Briton looked pale, sick, and even discouraged to eat on the same table with the rest. Alfred grew worried, but remained soundless. There was nothing else for him to do but help when asked.
It came to his decision, when Arthur suddenly left during dinner, that he had to do something at least to ease the young celebrity.
Arthur had entered the white room and was seated on the bed, tears were forming up - but not until Alfred appeared that the young man tried desperately to hide them.
"Are you alright?" Alfred asked as he stepped towards Arthur who gazed at him with some uneasiness.
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"Are you alright?" Alfred replied to him, and the first thought that came up in Arthur's mind was nothing but pure anger.
As if he felt alright.
Having been ignored for the past few hours, and then being threatened by the presence of all residents, excluding Matthew, just was perfectly fine.
He was sour, but chose to hide his feelings perceptively, he didn't want to worry Alfred. Alfred was in a different world - a world of his own, and Arthur did not want to drag him into his life.
"I'm peachy." He blurted out with sarcasm. It was by accident, he swore, but the way Alfred's blue eyes widen in shock made him feel even more guilty.
"…No, tell me. You're my guest." Alfred replied through feigned cheery demeanor, Arthur swore something was going on in Alfred's mind as the young American seemed to ponder and ignore his presence even more.
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"Alright, so…where exactly are they?" Francis questioned his manager through his cell phone as he gazed lazily from outside his apartment. "What? Really? When did they ever tell that to the press?" Yawned the man who was now venturing through his kitchen to have a quick snack before he went to work again in the middle of night. "Really? Well, I wasn't there." He muttered defensively while looking slightly annoyed as he sat down in his dining table. "Non, I'll be there soon. No, no, no I'm just resting up a bit before my interview." He replied while biting on his meal with dissatisfaction.
He stared absentmindedly at the vanitas paintings in front of him, completely bored despite the food occupying his attention.
Ever since Arthur had been mysteriously disappearing to who knows where, Francis had never had the opportunity to have any fun with the young, "busy" man- and his only escape was with Seychelles of course, but that was a different topic.
He sighed while taking out a small pack of cigarettes and placing one in his mouth. He turned on his lighter and began to leisurely smoke while gazing outside his patio. "Now where are you, Kirkland?" Francis muttered to himself while shaking his golden locks and gazing through the landscape among the skyscrapers; hoping for an idea to pop up in his mind.
Well, there was always Seychelles, but she always was good at keeping secrets….however, he may change that. A smirk replaced that concerned frown on his face and he turned away from the patio to view the phone nearby his coffee table.
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They both sat in the white room gazing at one another with uncertain feelings bounding to make havoc. Arthur was now under the crisp white sheets while gazing at Alfred who was seating himself on one of the white stools in front of the colorless drawer.
It was soundless, but the two both needed it as they pondered for careful words - hoping not to hurt the other.
Alfred had to admit that he was stupid for having ignored the Briton, but his heart kept racing whenever he thought of how much the celebrity had hidden away from him which ultimately led him to become quite…anti-social when with the young man.
But still….
Making Arthur suffer was still a bad thing….
"I'm sorry." The two replied suddenly both flushing red with humiliating as they both registered the words they conveyed to one another. Arthur looked away trying to stammer something while Alfred turned around his face heated for no apparent reason.
"…I…didn't want to make you worry…so…I…" Arthur began while gazing at the wall in front of him now, and his back to Alfred. "…I…"
"It's fine." Alfred stood up ready to leave, feeling humiliated at his childish behavior towards the exhausted celebrity. However as soon as he was about to escape that room a hand grasped his wrist and he turned to face shining green eyes.
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It had been silent ever since the two guests arrived and Matthew was beginning to feel nervous as Liechtenstein fidgeted in her seat while Kiku was trying to make a conversation. By this time, Vash had appeared and was in no mood to eat dinner to taken a back to have two guests with them despite their shabby dwelling.
"So…why don't we play some icebreakers?" Matthew offered, but all three (despite Kiku's interest) denied the game leaving the young man to stare in silence himself.
He wondered what the two were up to. He hadn't heard from both Alfred and Arthur since after the meal and was questioning their activities upstairs.
Liechtenstein looked at him the same way, her face flushed with visible worry as she sat there answering few questions Kiku had given off to her to ease their relationship.
"I'll be back here, excuse me." Matthew smiled while heading towards the second floor himself.
There was pure tranquility on the second floor - no noise stirred in any corner.
He found himself walking in a moment where his brother seemed to be hesitant.
Arthur was staring at Alfred who remained motionless, but not at all void of emotion. The two were continuously gazing at one another, ignoring Matthew who had appeared in the room not too long ago.
"….Arthur…do you know what you're doing?" Alfred asked with his voice cracking. The young Briton just continued to stare up at him with a pleading look as he clutched onto Alfred's arm. "Arthur…please don't make me do this." Matthew's twin looked hurt as he tried to pull away from the other man's grasp, gently.
He failed of course, but he did not make another move as he continued to look sympathetically at the young man who was trying his best to hold onto him.
"….Just stay for a little while…I just don't like the atmosphere below." Arthur murmured while biting his lower lip and resting his head against Alfred's arm.
They stayed in that position for quite a while, and at this time Matthew decided to retreat.
He bit his lower lip in confusion. What to do? Downstairs sat Alfred's fiancée and former crush, and not to mention…fiancée's brother…
Matthew knew well who Alfred loved, liked, and disliked. He knew how much his twin was in love with Kiku at one point, and how much he began to fall for Liechtenstein. Unfortunately, he knew well that Liechtenstein had just become a replacement after that one day when the young man left all of a sudden to escape an unmentioned fate.
But Arthur…was the newest addition.
He climbed downstairs finding everyone smiling timidly at one another, with the exception of Vash, and playing a small card game or magic trick (Kiku was the one playing the tricks). "So how is Arthur?" The Japanese asked while gazing at Matthew who smiled nervously around them.
"Fine, just a little tired…Alfred's just asking him questions concerning comfort." His reply was automatic and quick, and the three sitting around the dining table gazed at one another in slight suspicion.
"You sure?" Kiku asked standing up ready to check it out himself, but Matthew stood in his way with a fluttery chuckle.
"Yes, yes. Why would I lie?" The twin was flustered. " Have I ever lied?" He asked feeling hurt and showing it with his violet, shimmering gaze.
"I'm so sorry…" The Japanese manager sat back down and covered his face with an apologetic stare.
"N-n-no it's fine!" Matthew stammered turning red with embarrassment. This was going to be a long vacation…for all of them.
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The smell of blood filled his nostrils as he fluttered his eyes open to see nothing but the white, clinic room he was in. Ivan let out a sigh - he must have passed out during that one operation.
He couldn't help it.
He wasn't an awful doctor. For heaven's sake, why would they let him in if he would black out in only one operation? He just didn't have his nutrition. That was it…and that's what he kept telling himself.
He had a strange dream concerning a certain blonde, and was rudely awoken by a knock probably received by one of his RNS who wanted to check on him.
He sighed taking off his lab coat and staring back outside.
The weather was disgustingly beautiful.
It may be a good day to drive leisurely.
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Toris had entered the room where Feliks and Taiwan had placed him after his common faint. He was breathing hard after running up the stairs since the elevator had been jammed and the escalators closed for inspection. Some good hospital this was…"I hope he's still in there." The young man replied to no one in particular while checking the room numbers and opening his doctor's door.
No one was there.
"…Oh no."
If there was one thing Ivan would do if he were to disappear on a day's work, it would be going over to see the man he despised the most.
Wang Yao.
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He was not fond of him. Never, why should he be? After the said man took away his most…cherished patient, he had not been in the mood to think properly and was almost always in a state of chaos other than being in the hospital.
The hospital was like his home…it made him feel clean, pure…unstained by blood that took over his life.
Until…Alfred left that is…
He remembered the moment he stepped into Alfred's room there was a smile that always greeted him rather than a nervous grin or a pathetic frown that normally graced other patient's lips.
Alfred would always ask him, "How's life?" As if his wasn't bad at all while he finished reading a magazine. The same one, over and over again - but with no boredom at all. The blue eyes were disgusting, but equally luring and he always found himself inviting himself into the young man's room despite constant bickering from the head and patient's family.
Alfred was more like a savior from this gloomy place.
"So…how's work?" He remembered the blonde questioning him with the smiling eyes that always seemed to make his own violet ones respond back happily. "It wasn't hard was it?" The young boy looked worried, but after he responded that 'no, he had a normal day,' that smile would always come back up.
He remembered how much he longed to see those happy features rather than the ones where most patients yelled, cried, or remained silent as if they were going to die in his care. None of them ever died…but they left the hospital as if they've seen a ghost.
Alfred was the only one that kept revisiting him with the retained joy written all over his face. "Welcome back!" He would always reply with a laugh, and then in a matter of seconds seem to make his own heart laugh with a joy he would normally not be able to understand.
He was given humanity despite his scary appearance. And had learned from Alfred the joys of life.
It was taken away though.
One day he entered the room only to find it empty. His heart broke, and with that, all the joy that Alfred had given him poured out of him in an instant. He was outraged, and asked the other doctors, even the director where the young patient had gone - but they would always give those fake, disgusting smiles at him. And with the same reply, they all tell him that…, "He's better."
Who was better? He didn't know, but after that he couldn't help but laugh and smile all the time. Those smiles his colleagues gave to him, feigned and disgusting…and apathetic. He would give his own smiles back - show how awful and untrusting they could be. Awful, and doubt. His smiles would make all of his patients realize…how much doubt their could be in their own lives.
But there was still some lingering in his heart. Some vague sense of hope that seemed to have infiltrated his cold heart.
It was one day where Toris had blurted out to him where Alfred was. The young man was absolutely terrified one day after seeing him hurt himself with drugs that he seemed to love spending after Alfred had disappeared. "He's in the country! Near his home…A Mr. Yao is his new doctor!" He sobbed while clutching onto his arm and taking away the needles the he had brought over secretively from his home.
A smile graced his lips, but his eyes were too focused on all the things he was going to do to that one man.