The Urn of Saint Viktor is a very silly concept indeed.
With love from Pix.
Plot Objects: Generally a Hassle
From the moment he walked through the doors of Cathedral zu Heltzer, Klaos made it known to everyone who would listen that when the barrier was brought down, he and only he would be the one carrying the Urn of Saint Viktor.
Immediately after the declaration, he became a minor celebrity among the group, of which at least two patted him on the back and complimented his courageous undertaking of such a difficult and perilous task. But although the rest were very curious (and congratulatory) as to the reason for his seeming influx of responsibility and trustworthiness, Pai knew him well enough to deduce that since Klaos liked things that were shiny and golden, and the Urn was certainly the shiniest and most golden thing in the entire cathedral, it was only natural for him to don that hungry, covetous gaze and begin wiggling his fingers longingly at it.
Pai told Danika so, but received only a quizzical glance and a query as to why she had so little confidence in her friend. In response, the pyromancer glared and resolved never to speak to her again.
Klaos was all for grabbing the Urn and running – 'to Hell with zu Heltzer' was how he'd put it, much to Panaku's joy at having him come out so well after all – but Pai of course insisted they clear out the cathedral before doing anything stupid and dangerous. Since everybody knew that Pai's word was law when the team of Klaos, assassin softie-at-heart, Kai Ying, protective instructor extraordinaire, and Lo Sha, number one fan of Pai's chest, was present, they ended up wasting an inordinate amount of time running about looking for things to kill before she would so much as let Klaos come near the altar.
After small scuffles with disgruntled leaf-men, tantrums at ruined outfits, and very many bloody noses, they deemed the cathedral empty enough to withstand whatever disaster might next befall it, and Klaos made a beeline for the Urn of Saint Viktor.
It was at that moment that Pai solidified her belief that this was where she was going to die, for all hell immediately broke loose, and everything was made much, much worse by the fact that Klaos could do very little other than stand there and keep his balance while the Urn tottered dangerously in his arms and commanded all of his attention.
"Call a target!" she shrieked as their party essentially disbanded, everyone running in a different direction and attacking a different creature, which, to no one's surprise, led to injuries much worse than a few bloody noses.
"Erm," Klaos said worriedly, trying to see over the top of the Urn, "how about that one? No wait! That one, over there, with the face that's falling off… is that Zho or Danika to your left? I can't tell…"
Pai glared in disbelief, wondering how having a can of ashes in his hands could possibly make it so hard for him to focus.
"Vide," he said finally in frustration, "Non sum pedes; non possum appellare hostebus si non pugno!"
Pai caught the gist of it – something about soldiers, enemies and fighting, but then again, that was what Klaos usually said when he broke into languages – and decided that she would just have to do her best to take command. Biting her lip in thought, she squinted and sought out a lone creature and tried to remember how Klaos usually called their targets.
"Erm," she began, "how about we attack – "
"Stone guardian on Gai's left!" Zho screamed from across the room, and Pai noticed with mixed annoyance and relief that there was minimal confusion when everyone turned and began unloading on the same unfortunate beast.
However, this was a small triumph, and failed to impact the outcome of the battle, which was that they would all inevitably be slaughtered by the legions of stone pillars coming to life around them with each passing moment. Finally, so disturbing was it to watch Gai shriek and cling to Panaku in fear that Pai launched herself at Klaos and wrapped her arms around the Urn in an effort to take it from him.
The effect was miraculous. Klaos began to growl like a wounded animal, which prompted Pai to fight all the more fiercely to obtain the object.
"Pai, darling," he snarled, "ne touches pas mon bloody urn!"
"Don't be irrational," she snapped, making a worthy but wasted attempt to wrench the Urn from Klaos's grasp. "I can cast with my hands full."
"You can barely carry that staff," Klaos retorted, showing no signs of giving up the object. "Go kill things!"
"Klaos," Pai growled, "you need to let go of the Urn, and go lead us into certain doom so we can teeter on the brink of death, get into a screaming match and nearly finish each other off, and miraculously emerge victorious at the end of a long and arduous fight!"
There was a scattered cheer of enthusiasm for this plan, which had gotten them out of so many predicaments in the past, and with a scowl Klaos reluctantly relinquished the glimmering golden Urn. Straightaway Pai sat down in the ankle-deep water after realizing just how right Klaos had been about her inability to carry heavy objects, cradling the vase in her lap and waving her arms around to continue casting.
Klaos went on to fulfill his niche quite admirably – after he led the charge straight into a waiting group of stone guardians, was knocked out, revived, and consequently yelled at by each member of the group in turn, they managed to clear the room by way of firestorms and palm strikes while nursing their sore energy reserves.
Needless to say, Pai flatly refused to give up the Urn when they were finally safe, and in fact threatened to char Klaos to an even darker brown should he try to take it from her.
Before I say Part Two is on the way, I might as well clear it up:
Chaos, feel free to cameo Klaos and Pai whenever you want - although Lurbe has made it quite clear that bodily harm will be imminent if Klaos is not sufficiently sarcastic and in-character.
He said it, not me.