Chapter 10

Dean liked to watch her play with their son. He hoped he managed to look at least a fraction as happy when he played with Danny. He got his glimpses in here and there. Ellen had put them to work on the sign for the Roadhouse. He noticed that she had also taken the numbers off the doors that he and Sam occupied. He didn't know how he felt about that. He still hadn't decided if he was staying. Then Danny waved up at him and Dean knew he wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

"Would you two jackasses hurry it up before the rain starts again and you get fried on my roof?" Ellen called up. "I'm not cleaning Winchester off my bar!"

Dean got back to work checking the lines for tears and covering them up with black tape. Sam grinned at him. "What?"

"Dude, I don't know if Danny understands who you are yet but… he's so got a crush on you. He's been wearing that jacket all day."

"He's got good taste." Dean grinned.

"Hey, so… I uh, think there's a university around here somewhere. Jo was telling me and I thought I could take some classes and get a place off campus…"

The silence was telling. Sam waited but Dean didn't comment. They finished quickly and tested the sign before climbing down. Then Dean turned to his brother. "Let me talk to her about it first."

--

Raining. Drinking. Idling.

Liz had come to him before. He'd just let it. He hadn't hoped to try but how could he not when she looked so beautiful and she sang so badly. Liz tilted her head at him. "What are you thinking?"

"If you'll slap me if I kiss you right now…"

"Why would I slap you?"

"Well, I've seen you do it once before. It didn't look fun."

"True." She shrugged, sad smile on her face.

"Well?"

"Well, what are your intentions?"

"To stay as long as I can."

"Then I'll think about it." She resumed singing with the radio. No customers in the bar. No one to interrupt. Just her feet propped on a box and his chair facing hers. Beer in the bottles. Danny napping. Sam and Jo in town shopping. Ash doing whatever Ash did.

"So you're not seeing that Max guy anymore?"

"That's the rumor." She nodded to herself, carefully schooling her face not to give anything away.

"So what's wrong with him?"

"Nothing."

"Really."

"Really. He's nearly perfect." Liz cleared her throat. "But I don't love him. I don't know if I can."

Dean nodded to himself, not sure if he wanted to talk about this anymore. "Guess that point's kind of important."

"Tends to be just a little." She stared at him. "I remember, Dean."

"Yeah?" He blinked at her. "How much?"

"Everything."

"How long?" He turned his eyes out to the rain falling.

"Been getting bits and pieces but I got most of it now."

He moved his chair closer and slowly reached out to lift her chin. There it was. Liz tried to turn away but he held her chin and ran his thumb along the scar that marked the puncture wound that had nearly caused her death. Then he leaned forward and kissed it gently. "It's healing really well." Then he lifted the sleeve of one arm. She let him turn her arm out so he could see the jagged scar there. He could make out where the fingernails had been, ran his thumb over them. "You killed five demons that day."

"But I remember it all, Dean…" She tried to put some space between them, taking her arm back. "Everything." She stared at him. "I remember everything I did with John… why would you still want me."

"Do you know how many women I've been with?" He met her eyes. She shook her head slowly. "One nighters. Lost weekends. Two weeks once. I don't know how many. I'm not a good person on the best of days, Liz. I'm just not. I wonder why you would want me…" He cleared his throat. "My life is one that doesn't allow for normal relationships… we both know that yours doesn't either…"

"He was your father." She protested, her hand falling on his. "I can't imagine what that must have done to you. I don't know what… No, I know what I was thinking… but I can't excuse what I did."

"And about what I did?"

"It wasn't your choice." She admitted. "It was mine. You took it away from me."

"Sam doesn't understand this… and I'm not sure that I understand it but…" Dean took a swig off his beer. "I'm fucked up, Liz. I am. It wasn't you. It's… just my life." He shrugged. "I… don't have the same hang-ups. I was mad at my dad because he… he… I didn't blame you for whatever happened between the two of you."

"You should have. I started it. I cornered him." She met his eyes. "You don't want to know, Dean."

"Maybe I do."

She looked away, stared off at the rain and sipped her beer. "Dean… I've never, never crossed over my lives that way. Never met a man I'd loved before. Never… John was the first man I fell in love with that had children of his own. I just… the odds…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm… I'm always 20 years old. I don't get to grow up." She sobbed suddenly. "I'm hearing them… singing. I hear them. What if I don't get to see Danny grow up?"

"It'll be different this time."

"I thought it was going to be different with John, Dean. I thought he was the answer." She reminded him. "All I got to keep of him was the ring and the locket. I don't know how I did that. How was I able to keep that?" She popped open another beer from the bucket next to her. "I go over it and over and over and the only thing that makes sense… terrifies me."

"What do you think it was?"

"Maybe I was pregnant. Only just. Maybe a few days." She shrugged. "Maybe I was more pregnant. I don't know. I thought I could come back. I just had to hang on and get the job done and I could come back. Maybe… He didn't want me to have it."

"So… with dad…"

"Dean… you were so… tentative with me. I mean… you'd make love to me like it was the last time we were going to be together but then you'd… act like it was okay that I was going off to die." She stared at him. "I know that sounds like you were cold and I know that you weren't but… You just accepted it. You let me go."

"I gave you time to do your job. I grabbed everyone to go get you. Pastor Jim was working on that spell and Sam was working with him and I knew Dad would do what he could to make sure you'd make it."

"I wanted to come back to you." She watched the rain. "I'm sorry that I went to John. I thought… since I loved him so much that it would be the same but it wasn't. It wasn't the same at all. I didn't care that he was another 20 years older. I could remember the way he used to make me feel. Safe and loved and vital."

"What happened?" Dean cleared his throat, eyes on the wall. "I don't remember you acting all that different. I'm not saying that I need to know the blow-by-blow but… I just don't get it."

Liz took a long pull on her beer. "I cornered him. I wanted to tell him my suspicions about why we fell into this mess. And I thought that I could… love him the way I did so many years ago… The thing about dying the way I do, waking up the way I do… It really is a whole other lifetime. It isn't just me… time traveling. Even though I can feel those emotions so vividly, they aren't the same. I remember thinking that even though he was older and… not as fit." She smiled to herself. "And graying and everything… I could love him but I couldn't. It had nothing to do with all of that except that I didn't… and he could see it. He could see that despite what we'd done, that I knew I didn't. Then I saw the shame in his eyes that he let it happen. He never would have wanted to hurt you that way."

When Dean didn't start talking, she kept on. "You used to scare him." His head whipped to face her. "You did. You thought he hung the moon and set fire to the sun… and it scared the crap out of him. You used to follow him around and try to walk like him and work on the car with him and…" She grinned to herself. "He was so afraid that he was going to let you down."

"He did that plenty."

"Maybe he did. But at six years old, you were very forgiving. He forgot about Halloween and you comforted him." She finally looked at him. "Do you remember what we talked about? About settling down someday?"

"That was a lifetime ago."

"Yeah, for me too." She looked at him. "It's doable." He didn't say anything. "After you figured out what was going on… you stuck by me… even knowing what I'd been for your dad… and what I'd been to you… I admired that. You held yourself away from me but you still let me love you."

"You almost died. We almost didn't get there in time. We walked in and there was a demon standing over you. I killed that man and you… touched him with your blood. You said something in a Latin so old that neither Jim or Sam knew what you were saying. We almost lost you but you looked at me." Dean looked away. "You looked at me while they were trying to keep you in your body and I swear to God that I thought I saw… It was like you were… going away, your body… I could see the ground under you." Dean's face started to crumple but he sniffed and pulled it back together. "You were gonna leave me. I saw it… and you were looking right at me."

"Dean." Liz sat up and made him look at her. "I'm here. We have a son. We can't change what's happened in the past. It's done. I just need to know if you're going to get to know your son. If something happens to me, are you going to take care of him?"

"You know I will." Dean sat back and stared at her. "There's a… mechanic in the next town over who's looking for some help. Sam's looking to go to school again… Gonna keep hunting though."

"Never figured you'd stop."

A cry from inside sent both of them to their feet. They found Ellen trying to comfort a cranky two year old who wouldn't be consoled. Liz took him in her arms. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"Mommy!" Danny cried.

"Found him walking up and down the hallway, screaming his head off." Ellen offered.

Danny just would not settle. Then he spotted Dean and tried to climb down. Liz set him on his feet and he ran straight for his father, who picked him up and frowned at him. "Bud, what's with the tears?" He got no answer, just a hiccup, a swipe of the eyes and a snotty nose against his neck. When he looked up, Liz was frowning but Ellen was grinning. "What?"

"Looks like we know who he prefers." Ellen swatted Liz's butt with a rag. "Don't worry, the novelty wears off for a bit."

Dean paced the floor while Danny caught his breath and played with Dean's amulet. "Is this a good thing?"

"For you yeah. You're new to him. Danny doesn't cotton well to strangers." Liz sighed. "I mean, he was fine with Sam for a while but he's decided that he doesn't like Sam."

"That's just funny. Sam's so afraid he'll accidentally hurt him that he just lets Danny kick the crap out of him."

"What did he do?" Liz tilted her head at Dean.

"Bit him on the leg."

"Danny!" Liz scolded her son.

"He was just defending me." Dean stroked Danny's back. "From his freakishly tall uncle."

"Come on. I've had chili warming forever. We might as well eat while there's no drunks to look after." Ellen pulled Liz along.

Dean walked Danny up and down the bar until he calmed and eventually fell asleep. He handed the boy off to Liz so that he could eat. Liz sat right at the table and held the sleeping boy. Dean thought about leaving. There was no way he could stop hunting altogether. But he couldn't leave for good. He thought about T-ball and cootie shots and man-to-man talks. Roadtrips and pool games. He wanted that.

--

Sam handed Dean the newspaper with the hunt. It was emergent. It could be dealt with quickly. Dean nodded and handed it back. They'd leave tonight. Dean scooped Danny up from where he'd been watching TV and planted a kiss on his head. "I'm leaving but I'll be back." Then he'd set him back down and gone in search of Liz, who was fighting with a stain on Danny's favorite shirt. "Hey…"

"Hey." She tossed him a small smile.

"Sammy got us a hunt."

"Oh." She went still then picked up a spray bottle to attack the stain once more. "Be careful, then. Drop a postcard or something."

"We're coming back."

She stilled again. "Then… we'll see you when you get back."

TBC