Sonic Syndrome
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Sonic characters, nor do I truly own Metal Sonic EX. It is my friend's idea and the credit goes to him. I'm merely using it as a penname.
In this chapter, for one whole day, Tails will rule supreme. Let's just say that those who have weak stomachs shouldn't read it. So, here's episode number ten!
Episode 10
Bad Pun Day
Tails - I'm gonna have a field day with this.
Narrator - May God help us all…
(The entire Sonic crew surrounds MSX with baseball bats and cattle prods.)
MSX - I'm sorry, but I had to do it! These puns are getting annoying!
Shadow - Why didn't you just make a law outlawing puns!
(A brief silence follows.)
MSX - Oh… Um… Uh… Didn't come to mind?
Narrator - Everyone paused before slowly advancing on MSX.
Shadow - Kill him! (jumps onto MSX)
Narrator - And by 'slowly advancing', I mean 'quickly jumps on top of'.
(MSX uses the force thing from the Matrix and throws everyone off of him and something out the window catches his eye.)
MSX - Oh dear God.
(Everyone looks outside to see Tails setting up an obstacle course.)
Sonic - He's setting up a field day track, isn't he?
Shadow - Yes. Yes, he is.
MSX - Well, that's… fifty-seven!
Shadow - Lovely.
MSX - And this chapter won't end until he reaches zero!
Shadow - Lovelier.
Knuckles - And I just took a dump on the carpet!
Shadow - Loveliest! Why'd you do that, man!
MSX - Who cares. I got free tickets to the Retard Olympics.
Tikal - The what?
Amy - Didn't Monty Python do something like that?
MSX - Yeah, so?
Amy - Whatever.
MSX - Cometh!
(The group follows MSX through the door and they suddenly find themselves in an Olympic field and they are dressed in athletic clothing.)
Sonic - What in the…
Announcer - And here comes the Olympic torch!
(A spotlight shines down on Tails as he begins singing a love song expressing sadness and hopeless yearning.)
MSX - Fifty-six…
Announcer - And now, the first event! The 100-meter dash!
MSX - Sonic, you're up.
Sonic - I've got this!
MSX - You'll need this.
(Sonic hands MSX a small bag of quarters.)
Sonic - What's this?
MSX - Just go.
(Sonic and Tails take their positions as something is raised on both sides of the track.)
Sonic - No. No no no! NO! I'm not going to participate in this!
Announcer - On your mark… Get set… GO!
(Tails begins running down the track while slipping quarters into parking meters.)
MSX - Fifty-five…
Tikal - That's bad… Like Mario bad…
(MSX suddenly pulls out a shotgun and begins swinging it around.)
MSX - What! Where! Show your face, infidel!
Announcer - And the winner is Tails!
Sonic - Big whoopty-doo!
Announcer - Now, onto the pole vault.
MSX - Shadow…
Shadow - I'll crush him!
(Shadow walks up to a safe and looks blankly at it.)
Shadow - I'm gonna shoot you if there's poles in here.
Announcer - Ready… Set… GO!
(Shadow takes but a second to open the safe and poles fall out.)
Shadow - That's it!
(Shadow aims an Uzi at Tails, but is tackled by a security guard.)
Tails - I guess you weren't so safe after all.
MSX - Fifty-three…
Announcer - Tails wins due to disqualification! Now for the shot put!
MSX - Tikal…
Tikal - Um… Where is it?
Announcer - And go!
Tikal - Where's the shot!
Tails - Oh, I put it over there.
MSX - Fifty-two…
Announcer - And Tails wins again! He's on a roll!
(Tails pulls out a dinner roll and smiles.)
MSX - Don't… you… dare…
(Tails lifts one foot and places the roll on the ground. Then, he jumps on top of it.)
MSX - How dare you! Now you're at fifty-one!
Announcer - And now… The Winter Olympics!
(A sudden gust of ice blows by, freezing everything around it, including the group. Tails walks up.)
Tails - Hey, guys. Just chillin' as usual, I see.
Shadow - (muffled) Help us out!
Tails - Okay, icy that you're in a pickle, so just freeze and I'll be back with help.
Amy - (muffled) Tails!
Tails - What's wrong? 'Fraid I'll give you the slip?
Cream - (muffled) Tails! Help us out of here now! Got it?
Tails - Yep, I understand perfectly. Everything's crystal clear.
(The ice block containing Shadow falls down at Tails' feet.)
Tails - Whoa! Watch it, Shadow! That's a-salt and battery right there. Just trust me. Besides, just remember, it's the thaw that counts. See ya!
(Tails runs off and a silence follows.)
MSX - (muffled) Forty-four…
Sonic - (muffled) Who wants to help me kill Tails?
Everyone - (muffled) I do!
(MSX's head begins heating up and melts his ice block.)
Sonic - (muffled) Great! Now let us out!
(MSX closes his eyes and continues gathering heat in his head.)
Shadow - I don't think he heard you.
Sonic - So, who'll save us now?
Mr. Gravy Bag - Well, howdy-doodly-doo!
(MSX rips opens his eyes and shoots Mr. Gravy Bag with super-hot lasers. Needless to say, Mr. Gravy Bag explodes and the other ice blocks melt.)
Sonic - Um…
Shadow - Oh…
Knuckles - Fruitcake!
(Everyone turns to Knuckles and he points to a floating fruitcake.)
Tails - Ha! I knew it! UFOs do exist!
MSX - Yes, the ever puzzling unidentified flying object.
Tails - What? I meant unidentified fruitcake-like object.
Amy - Forty-three.
Announcer - May I have your attention please! I will have your attention, slaves!
Sonic - Eggman?
Eggman (A.K.A. Announcer) - Will the real Eggman please stand up? I repeat! Will the real Eggman please stand up?
MSX - You've got to be kidding me… Him too?
Eggman - Sorry, I just had to say that. Anyway, the next event will be the bobsled!
MSX - Cream, my little delicacy for cannibals, you're up.
Cream - Delicacy for what!
MSX - Move!
(MSX begins prodding Cream in the side with the shotgun, which he's still holding.)
Sonic - Um… MSX?
MSX - I know. But I must be ready. You never know when the infidels will strike. (looks around suspiciously)
Sonic - Right…
(At the bobsled starting point, Cream gets ready as her team walks up.)
Cream - Oh, hi! I'm Cream!
Teammate #1 - I'm Bob!
Teammate #2 - Same here!
Teammate #3 - Ditto.
Cream - I'm not finding this funny anymore.
Eggman - Due to a massive bribe I've just received, Tails automatically wins this event!
Cream - What!
The Bobs - Oh no!
Eggman - I've also been given an obviously forged report stating that Cream has a history of steroid use.
Cream - What!
The Bobs - OH NO!
Eggman - And here is a post-it note with a message concerning everyone in the stadium. Due to a freak accident, all your grandmothers died. And I didn't wear deodorant this morning!
Cream - WHAT?
The Bobs - OH… Wait… Ew…
Eggman - Anyways, the next event is snowboarding!
MSX - Well, that's forty-two… Ah well… Amy, you're up.
Amy - I'm not going.
MSX - What?
Amy - I'd much rather spend my time making snowmen.
(Amy backs up and reveals her snowman to MSX. The group walks up and they all turn to Shadow, where he's presenting his snow angel. Then, everyone looks to Tails as he presents his… snowy… board…)
Tails - It's beautiful!
MSX - Forty-one…
Sonic - MSX…
MSX - (cocks shotgun) Already on it.
(Tails screams and runs off.)
Shadow - Aren't you chasing him?
MSX - Why? I'm quite content with scaring his pants off.
Sonic - But Tails doesn't have pants.
MSX - He doesn't?
(Everyone shakes their head.)
MSX - Well, then I'd better chase him! Get back here! (runs after Tails)
Eggman - The next event, due to a sudden change of plans, will be the luge. All competitors, please report to the starting gate!
(MSX and Tails run from a large, mean-looking snowman with a pitchfork which grew legs and began running after them for some reason.)
Tails - Run! It's the abominable snowman!
MSX - Forty!
(The snowman trips and they sidestep the snowball and walk calmly down the path. They wind up at the luge starting point.)
Eggman - You must be our last competitors!
MSX - Actually, we were running from a snowman.
Eggman - Really? Does that sound like something my creation would say?
MSX - You're right. Let me fix that.
(MSX pulls down a black screen and punching noises are heard. The screen goes up and Eggman in inside an orange juice bottle.)
MSX - You look so slim now.
Tails - Wow! You really beat him to a pulp!
MSX - Ugh… That one was extra-sour. But, he's at thirty-nine…
Announcer #2 - On your mark…
MSX - What the…
Tails - Come on!
Announcer #2 - Get set…
(MSX and Tails quickly jump into a luge.)
Announcer #2 - Go!
(The luge is released and Tails begins cheering.)
Tails - Woohoo!
MSX - Be quiet!
(They keep going down the track until they accidentally fly off of it and fall out of the luge, which flies into a water tower, flooding a nearby town.)
Tails - Well, I don't think we won de-luge, but…
(MSX holds up the shotgun.)
MSX - I'm tired of this. Follow me, shorty.
(MSX begins escorting Tails away at gunpoint.)
Tails - I'm at thirty-eight.
MSX - Who cares? Move it!
(Within minutes, MSX and Tails walks into the living of the Sonic residence, where everyone is already pretty cozy.)
MSX - You left without us?
Sonic - We knew you'd come back… Some day…
MSX - I feel mass urges of anger right now!
(Shadow shrugs and takes another drink of his coffee.)
MSX - Man, you're no fun. I can't even threaten you anymore. Wait! I've got an idea?
Knuckles - (sarcastically) Really now?
MSX - You're hardly one to talk. Rouge, isn't your car in the garage?
Rouge - You mean the one from SA2? Yeah, it's in there.
MSX - Alright then. Tails, you may have the honor.
Tails - Thank you. Quick! To the Batmobile!
(A picture of Tails' head comes towards the screen, then away from it while someone goes 'Duhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh!' The head disappear and everyone is still sitting where they were.)
Sonic - You do know the logo thing won't automatically teleport you there, right?
Tails - It won't?
MSX - I can fix that!
(A picture of MSX's head comes towards the screen, then away from it while someone goes 'Duhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh!' The head disappears and everyone is now in the 'Batmobile', or Rouge's car if you prefer.)
MSX - Ready, guys?
Rouge - Are you sure it's safe to let you drive?
MSX - Are you kidding me? (reaches foot back abnormally far) Of course not!
(MSX slams his foot through the gas pedal and takes off like Sonic when he's running. Within seconds, they come to a screeching halt outside of a factory of some sort.)
Shadow - Who here has whiplash?
(Everyone moans in pain.)
Shadow - Thought so.
Tails - We'll at least we still have our whiplashes to clean our eyes with!
(Everyone is magically cured and they all turn to Tails.)
Tails - Um… Thirty-seven?
(Tails is thrown out of the back window and down the street.)
MSX - That's better. Now, follow me!
(The group walks up to the door and knocks.)
MSX - If anyone knows puns, it's these guys.
(The door opens and Davy Sprocket from Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine stand there.)
Davy - I don't find that funny.
MSX - See what I mean? A living example of a pun.
Davy - Screw off. Wait…
MSX - He evens makes puns without realizing it!
Al - Yep. He's like the 8th wonder of the world.
MSX - Who the monkey crap are you?
Al - I'm Al. Clyde's brother.
Tails - Is your last name 'Beworkinontherailroad'?
MSX - Thirty-seven.
Al - I'm here to replace Clyde. He's got pneumonia. Plus he was recently decapitated.
MSX - I do not approve of this character change! I will send you to another dimension! Pa-zow!
(MSX flicks his fingers toward Al and suddenly a giant hole appears out of thin air.)
MSX - In you go!
(MSX picks up a stapler out of nowhere and flings it at Al's head. Al falls backwards into the hole and is sucked into another dimension.)
Al - Farewell friends!
Sonic - I'm not your friend.
(Sonic chucks another stapler at Al for no reason. The hole then closes up and suddenly Shadow gets a call on his cell phone. Oddly enough, his ringtone is 'I Like Big Butts'. Shadow smiles weakly and answers his phone.)
Shadow - Whaddup?
Al (On phone) - Uh, hey there. Listen, this here place is kinda weird. I mean, there's not really anything here except for a giant sign that says 'Dur'.
Tails - I guess Al is in One-'Dur' Land.
MSX - Thirty-six…
Davy - Um… Okay…
Sonic - Don't worry. It's natural when he's around.
(Sonic motions to MSX who is staring intently at a pair of tweezers. When everyone looks at him, he shoves them behind his back.)
Davy - Yeah… Come on in.
(The group enters and Tails pulls crackers out.)
Tails - I'm hungry. Hey, Cream! Come here!
(Cream approaches him and Cheese is snatched out of midair. He puts him between two crackers before Tails bites out of the crackers and Cheese.)
MSX - Thirty-five. Wait…
(Everyone's jaws drop and they all slowly turn to Tails.)
Shadow - Dude! Tails is a cannibal!
Tails - Actually, I am. See?
(Tails holds up a can of bull meat.)
MSX - Thirty-four…
Humpty - T-That's b-b-b-bad!
Shadow - What's up, shorty?
Spike - Screw off. Wait…
Shadow - Not again.
Tikal - Why are we here again?
MSX - You that super-punny classic game? That's these guys.
Tikal - Oh…
Sonic - Your very presence makes me want to commit hara-kiri.
MSX - Hey! I've got an idea! Let's poke fun at Tails! (pokes Tails)
Tails - Hey! I just realized something! I am a pun!
Sonic - Huh?
MSX - I get it. Say Miles Prower real slow.
Sonic - Miles Per… (pause) Tails… May I see you for a second?
MSX - Thirty-three…
(Eggman kicks down the door as MSX slowly turns around.)
MSX - Well, I'll be. It's fatty fatty Eggman.
Eggman - How dare you insult me!
Tails - Do you want us to out-sult you?
Shadow - Thirty-two…
Eggman - I'll make you all suffer for this mockery!
MSX - Really now?
Tails - Actually, he meant later.
Shadow - Thirty-one…
Davy - That's it! I declare… A PUN-OFF!
(Everyone gasps as a large chicken-like shadow falls across the land.)
Tails - Where's your pal Sniff?
Scratch - I can do worse!
MSX - Thirty.
Sonic - Should Scratch's count?
MSX - Is Tails saying 'em?
Sonic - Well… No…
MSX - There ya go.
Shadow - Commence punning!
Tails - What do you call a clam that won't share? Shell-fish! Yuk yuk!
MSX - Twenty-nine… And first blood!
Scratch - 'Yuk yuk' is right 'cause that makes me want to vomit.
Shadow - Ooh… Bad comeback…
Tails - This isn't Yo Momma. Quite frankly, this isn't Yo Daddy either. And as for what Shadow said, ignore it. I prefer you to go away.
MSX - A double pun! Twenty-seven!
Scratch - You know, I heard Eggman's been pretty lazy recently. Yeah, they said he's become a vegetable.
Shadow - I… Don't get it…
Tails - Really? I guess that would make him an eggplant!
MSX - A redirection! Twenty-six!
Scratch - Eggman's so fat, looking at him makes your cholesterol go up!
Shadow - That was more of an insult.
Tails - Yeah, I have to admit, beating you isn't much pun at all.
MSX - Twenty-five! Now…
Deep Voice Coming From Nowhere - Finish him!
(The background becomes dark and Scratch begins swaying back and forth.)
Tails - A few days ago, Amy said MSX beat her up and stole her purse. I guess that would've made it muggy out.
(Scratch begins having a major seizure before exploding.)
MSX - Twenty-four!
Deep Voice Coming From Nowhere - Tails wins! Punalty!
Davy - Wow… Um… Yeah… Could you like… leave? We can't stand much more of these.
MSX - Fine. Cometh, my uber buddies!
(The group leaves and the entire cast of Mean Bean Machine explodes.)
Sonic - Nice job, Tails. You owned him!
Tails - Yeah, talk about a kick to the nuts.
MSX - Twenty-three.
Tails - I repeat, I'm not liking this gradually lowering pun count.
Narrator - Back at the Sonic residence…
Sonic - Oy! What's that stink?
Amy - I'm making okra for dinner.
Sonic - Well, stop already! This whole place reeks of the stuff! My home has become one giant pot of okra.
Tails - Oooooooookra home-a where the -SMACK-
(Tails falls to the ground unconscious.)
MSX - Twenty-two.
Shadow - Why'd you knock him out?
MSX - I didn't mean to.
Random Person - Mmm… All your emotions are belong to me.
Shadow - Who's that?
MSX - Some guy Kinetikai made up. He's called… Pootanda Marwickey.
Pootanda Marwickey - Mmm… All your belongings are belong to me.
(Pootanda waddles out of the house and sets fire to a box of Q-tips before flinging them at some random cat.)
Shadow - Odd…
MSX - Indeed…
Narrator - An hour later, Tails woke up to see Sonic and MSX playing Super Smash Bros. Melee. Sonic was Kirby and MSX was the Ice Climbers.
MSX - Fear the power of my wooden hammers!
(MSX charges a blast and blasts Kirby into the cosmos.)
Sonic - Not again!
Tails - Come on, MSX! Kick him to the Kirby!
Sonic - He's alive?
MSX - Guess so. Either way that's twenty-one.
(MSX wins and they change the level. MSX becomes Mr. Game and Watch while Sonic becomes Yoshi.)
Tails - Oh, say can Yoshi…
MSX - Twenty…
(MSX uses Mr. Game and Watch's extra jump to nail Yoshi into the cosmos.)
Tails - I think that he should ring his bell while doing that 'cause then he'd be a bell-hop!
MSX - Nineteen…
(Yoshi respawns and, due to 200 damage, MSX kills Yoshi immediately with Mr. Game and Watch's credit card.)
Tails - I guess you can take the credit for that kill.
MSX - Eighteen…
(Somebody knocks on the door.)
MSX - I'll get it.
(MSX, Sonic, and Tails run downstairs and answer the door. Immediately, a hatchet appears in MSX's hands.)
MSX - You!
Bark - Um… Wrong house?
(While the music from the first two Wario battles in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins plays, MSX chases Bark through the house with the hatchet.)
Tails - Oh God! Bark's sure to suffer a grizzly fate! I can't bear it any longer!
(The music scratches and both people stop.)
Bark - Uh…
MSX - Sixteen…
Bark - Look I need your help. A friend of mine's a doctor and he needs help diagnosing stuff.
MSX - Fine, I say they all have autism.
Bark - This is serious!
MSX - Fine, fine.
(The group is magically warped to a waiting room.)
MSX - Who's first?
Bark - Him.
(Everyone looks to a normal looking man.)
Tails - That's easy. Hemorrhoids!
Bark - Okay… Now him.
(Everyone looks to a news reporter.)
Tails - Polaroids!
Bark - (smacks self) Okay, him.
(Everyone looks to a man dressed as an astronaut.)
Tails - Asteroids!
Bark - Him…
(Everyone looks to a baseball player.)
Tails - Steroids!
Bark - And him.
(Everyone looks to a man doing the robot to crappy techno music.)
Tails - Androids!
MSX - That's… Twelve! Thank God, we're almost free of this torture!
Sonic - Something tells me something bad is gonna happen when he reaches zero.
Shadow - Since when have you been right?
Tikal - He's got a point.
Amy - He does.
Cream - Mm-hm!
Knuckles - Nacho.
(Bark lifts an eyebrow and everyone, save Bark, is warped back to the house.)
Tails - I'm starting to think that Bark's bipolar.
MSX - Eleven…
Tails - Oh! I almost forgot.
(Tails hands a gold medal to each of the Sonic crew.)
MSX - You still have these?
Tikal - What are these for?
Tails - Those are for being such good sports!
MSX - My God… We're at… TEN!
Tails - Uh oh…
Sonic - What?
Tails - Activate Overdrive Mode!
MSX - Oh boy…
(Tails runs over and punches Knuckles with his own hand.)
Tails - Congrats! You're a knucklehead!
MSX - Nine…
(Tails knocks himself upside the head with MSX's hand.)
Tails - That's corporal pun-ishment! Yuk yuk!
Everyone But Tails - Eight…
(Tails pushes Sonic next to Amy and points accusingly at her.)
Tails - Hedge hog!
Everyone On The Street - Seven…
Tails - I just heard that Korn is on American Idol. I guessed that would make them Pop Korn!
Everyone In The City - Six…
(Tails puts a potato on the couch.)
Tails - I give you a couch potato!
Everyone In The State - Five…
Tails - When I was in Hawaii, I bought some ties, but someone stole them. Can you believe that? Someone stole mai-tais!
Everyone In The Country - Four…
Tails - Jay Leno just bought a new pet. It's a chin-chilla!
Everyone In The World - Three…
Tails - Mr. T threw a $50 bill in a swimming pool! He fiddy da pool!
Everyone In The Universe - Two…
Tails - The entire cast of Charlie Brown dressed up as clowns. I guess that makes them Circus Peanuts!
God - ONE!
Tails - I…
MSX - WELL?
Tails - I… feel… like singing!
MSX - Oh dear God…
(A Beach Boys beat begins playing as MSX and CO. get weird looks in their eyes.)
Tails - Well it's Bad Pun Day, so I'm making lots of puns understand now! Like asking Phil Hellmuth if he'd be nice and give me a hand now! If I had a bit of rubber, I could start my own pun-making band now! And I'll make puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes me away!
MSX & Co. - Puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes him away…
Tails - Like a box full of dead clowns, this has truly become a sad case now!
MSX & Co - Dead clowns in a case now; dead clowns in a case…
Tails - Like DDR I need great feets of strength to keep up the pace now!
MSX & Co. - Dead clowns in a case now; dead clowns in a case…
Tails - I can't be out-foxed! I'm a ticking clock that you have to face now!
MSX & Co. - Dead clowns in a case now; dead clowns in a case…
Tails - And I'll make puns puns puns 'til the insane asylum takes me to stay!
MSX & Co. - Puns puns puns 'til the insane asylum takes him to stay…
Tails - I'm Prower the Pun-isher! I know my puns are turning you blue now!
MSX & Co. - We're going to die; I swear we're going to die…
Tails - Like how Tigger's Tigger-happy and he's in the bathroom looking for Pooh now!
MSX & Co. - We're going to die; I swear we're going to die…
Tails - When I die, I'll be Tails from the Crypt! I'm dead serious too now!
MSX & Co. - We're going to die; I swear we're going to die…
Tails - And I'll keep making puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes me away!
MSX & Co. - Puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes him away….
Tails - And I'll make puns puns puns 'Til the insane asylum takes me to stay!
MSX & Co. - Puns puns puns 'til the insane asylum takes him to stay… Puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes him away... Puns puns puns 'til the insane asylum takes him to stay… Puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes him away… Puns puns puns 'til the insane asylum takes him to stay… Puns puns puns 'til the paddywagon takes him away…
Shadow - I hope you realize that the Beach Boys are gonna have your head on a plate.
(The music ends and everyone, save Tails, begins panting hard.)
Tikal - What are we at? I lost count during the song.
Tails - I've got… -lowers his arms-
MSX - What?
Tails - I've got no more puns left.
Narrator - Due to obvious circumstances, the world then exploded.
Yay! My 200th chapter! Woot! Anyways, in the next chapter, MSX takes Sonic and Co. to his school where only the tards survive. Until then, Read and Review and I'll continue!