Chapter Ten
Life Lived Alone
Coming to the country has done me no good other than to make it a longer journey to visit Gustave and if I still had any interest in Meg, which I do not, it would be further from her also. I am neglecting my music and finacial matters. Worse still is that I have yet to visit my own son and Gustave and Raoul returned a month ago. They asked me to come see them but my mood was not the best and so I let my foul temper spill over into my reply. I find myself growling out curses even when I am by myself. Perhaps deep in my heart I know what ails me but I am too stubborn to rectify the situation.
A second letter from Raoul did not mention any visitation with Gustave either at his home or my own. He did make a cordial enquiry about Meg that touched on the raw spot festering around the middle of my chest. He did not ask again. Another long week went by and I could not punish myself any longer. I had to see my son. Exile would not allow me to get to know him or him to know me.
Raoul did not seem surprised to see me, damn him and his smug know-it-all smile. The first question out of his mouth nearly got his head bashed in. "Have you seen Mademoiselle Giry recently?" He may as well have waved a red cape in front of a raging bull. I managed to control myself as proved by Monsiuer de Chagny's continued breathing. My murderous glare had something to do with his change of subject. Raoul is still wary of me. I like that.
Gustave is curious as to what happened to Meg but not enough to pester me with questions or ask his father to take him for a visit. I would have had to put my foot down if he had. Meg is a subject all three of us tip toe around. Three months and still I have moments of regret. Today's visit to my accountant will be a test of my willpower. That damn flower shop where I bought Meg's bouquets happens to be on the street my accountant has an office. Sometimes I want to demand he move. I can't without appearing to be unreasonable or insane. Setting fire to the building has crossed my mind. I even went so far as to ride to town on horseback of all things just to have a look around. There are too many people renting apartments and too many buildings close to Thomas Brown's office. Restraint in this matter proves I am still progressing in my battle against my old demons. I would burn the city down if I had a reason to do so but not if it would cause anyone physical injury of a permanent kind. To shore up my decision against causing mayham seeing the owner closing shop accompanied by two small children and a woman I assumed to be his wife curtailed any idea I had in the direction of removing the premises from the block. So the business will be a thorn in my side until I regain my former discipline where I close off everything I don't wish to hear or see. It is up to me to block out those unwanted emotions developing in me for Meg. I don't care how innocuous they are they have no place inside my head or heart. I pledged my love and loyalty to Christine and by God I will hold true to my promise for once in my life. What sort of man would I be if I let myself fall in love with the murderer of my beloved? I am not certain if what I am feeling is love. Perhaps it is an overblown sense of responsibility.
Raoul has let his opinion on the matter be subtly known. Clearly he blames me, as he should, for setting in motion events that took his wife and Gustave's mother from their lives. I hate anyone pointing a finger at me placing blame for something I may or may not have done. More often than not I am guilty of the accusation. As hard as I try I cannot exonerate myself from the part I played in Christine's death. In the end everything comes down to me. I bought the gun once I began negotiating for Christine to come. If not for my wounded pride and unwillingness to let go Christine and Raoul may have worked out their differences. If I had not concocted that absurd bet Christine would have sung my song on stage then returned to France with her husband and son instead of being buried in a country where she has few friends. The only real family she has is Raoul and Gustave. Meg and Madame were her adopted family . A lot of good those two were to her.
So many times Meg's words to Gustave haunt my dreams. It cannot be disputed that the gun Meg used belonged to me. I had no reason to keep it loaded and should have made certain it was safe when Gustave came to my home. What if he had gotten it and accidentally shot himself or horrors of horrors, shot his mother or father? Imagining what Meg feels it would be a hundred times worse for Gustave.
I can' say for certain if I planned to use it on Raoul if my plot to win Christine had failed or not. Yes, I have come a long way from the man I used to be but a part of him remains. If I am not able to say with one hundred percent certainty I would not have used that gun on Raoul why do I find it so hard to believe Meg did not realize the gun had been loaded by me? It should have been unloaded. Several times I reassured both Meg and her mother I would not leave it lying about loaded. It frightened them. Sometimes I think they feared I would use it to harm myself after one of my very vivid dreams about Christine and hearing her voice. Those nights left me close to ending it all.
Raoul has kept his promise not to keep Gustave from me. In fact the three of us enjoy many companionable hours horseback riding, which I enjoy but don't do often enough as I avail myself of a carriage from my own livery and when in town hire a cab or walk if the weather permits.
This small plantation was neglected by the previous aging owner. Money and long hard hours of work have put it to rights. A lot of it I did with my own two hands. Creating a thing of beauty is instilled in my makeup. One or both of my parents must have been artistic. Sometimes genius comes at the price of madness. For a time I had equal amounts of both. Now I work hard to keep my mind busy with positive endeavors.
Raoul, Gustave and I plan to work on the stables. I have a fine Arabian for my own pleasure and took Gustave to a horse auction to purchase an appropriate horse for him. Being of an age he thinks himself to be a man my suggestion of a pony he declined without any hesitation. He wanted a man size horse for a boy believing himself manly. Both Raoul and I vetted the animals before the auction began and agreed on our choice for Gustave. The trick had been to get him to believe he chose that particular horse without any interference from his fathers. Two fathers, that has a strange sound to it. I suppose now is as good as any to relinquish my fatherly rights if indeed I ever had any. From now on I will be as an uncle. In fact I shall suggest that to Raoul and seek his approval. Lord how it galls me to need permission from him to do anything for my son. Not my legal progeny but my son by blood. Uncle Erik has a nice ring to it but not as wonderful as father or papa I imagine. At least this title is a far cry from any of my previous identities.
If things were different I would shout to the world I had a son. Everything I have would be his. As it is I will leave all my possessions to him upon my death. I shall have no other heirs. My self-doubt does not lead me to believe another woman will come along who can stomach my face. Christine had to adjust to the way I look. Even she turned away from me when she removed my mask for the first time. Once she gave herself over to my voice my face no longer mattered had I only but known that. Love had placed a mask over my disfigurement shielding all the ugliness my real mask hides from everyone.
My household is quiet. I only employ a cook who I rarely see and Howard, a sort of Jack of all trades. Any errands I do not wish to carry out are handed over to Howard. Discretion is of the utmost importance to me and both my employees understand and comply with that requirement.
A loud cacophony of noise comes from my front yard bringing me out of my peaceful contemplation. Why I thought peacocks would add a sense of exotica to my home now seems like a very poorly thought out idea. Every bit of movement causes those birds to scream hideously or so it seems to my musical ear. They are mean spirited birds. Gustave tried to approach one and ended up being chased around the yard. First one then the whole party of peafowl gave chase that only ended when Gustave ran into the house. I want no unpleasant encounters so I hurry out to meet the buggy Raoul is driving.
Sure enough I see several male peacocks and a couple of peahens running toward the buggy. I have come to think those birds are better than any watchdog. Now if only I could equip them with sharp teeth. Not so they would be more effective when chasing Gustave but for other unwanted visitors.
Gustave steps down onto the bricked drive and begins to flap his arms about like someone half-witted. I fear he has inherited my infirm mind after all. Raoul's laughter eases my worry on that score. If he can laugh everything must be alright.
"Might I ask what in the world you are doing Gustave?" I enquire half of me wanting to join in Raoul's merriment.
"Papa said if I wave my arms about the males might think I am an over large peacock and leave me alone," he says with a straight face. Obviously he believes what Raoul has told him. To my consternation the birds halt their forward movement and suddenly turn tail to head back out to the sprawling front pasture where several horses are grazing.
Pointing to the retreating birds I say with humor, "Well it seems to be working."
"I had no idea it would actually work. I only wanted to take Gustave's mind off being afraid. I suppose that worked as well," in a voice filled with male satisfaction having conquered a problem and impressed his son. Raoul can enjoy his moment of closeness with Gustave for I have a plan that will bring my son and I closer together.
"We had better go in cook hates her meals to go cold. She's likely to feed me pig slop tonight if I spoil what she has worked so hard to present for our palate," I sweep my hand toward the door and follow them as they enter my home.
Raoul finds it hard still to picture me in such luxurious surroundings and with so many windows going from floor to ceiling almost every room is filled with sunlight. I may have overdone the windows but I crave light and space without tons of earth and rock surrounding me. After being denied such everyday common gifts from God it is any wonder my home is spacious and filled with the suns rays during the day and lighted chandeliers everywhere at night.
Wanting a moment alone with Raoul I send Gustave down the hall to the downstairs lavatory to wash his hands instructing him that his father and I will be waiting at the table for him. Sitting in my cheery dining room I address my most urgent concern hesitantly, "Raoul, Gustave is troubled with how he should address me. I believe I have a solution that will satisfy everyone," I say knowing I am not at all satisfied.
"I want some connection between us to be recognized so I wish to be his Uncle Erik. You retain your place as his only father and I am formally accepted as a blood relative without announcing to the world the true connection between myself and Gustave. Does this meet with your approval?" If he does not agree then perhaps I shall not regret letting out my former personality that is kept behind a door waiting to be unleashed at the slightest provocation. It is duly noted by me that I am aware of just how thinly my control over that part of me truly is. Or maybe I am not as vigilante when it comes to Raoul. I may see that his part in my downfall may have been justified maybe even noble but it still stings my pride.
Raoul turns his coffee cup around as he stares at the cup. One might think it had turned into a crystal ball. I wonder if he is trying to see what will come of letting me into their lives in this way. He must have reached a decision for the cup is abandoned so he can look at me directly to say, "Erik I have struggled with all that has happened in the past and what later became known to me. I know you will understand if I harbor deep anger toward you for your part in what happened." He pauses but I know he is not finished getting all he has to say out into the open.
"I will keep this short as I don't want Gustave to hear anything detrimental about his mother. All our married life I had a doubt as to Gustave's being my son. In order to keep Christine in my life I buried those doubts. For not letting her go to the man she truly loved I claim my part in everything that happened. Make no mistake I will fight anyone who I perceive to be a danger to my son, my son Erik. In every way he is my son. Having said that I can understand how you must feel. I would feel the same. A son is special to a man. We are ingrained with a need to have our bloodlines carried on through our sons. Daughters can be our little princesses but our sons are our legacy. What I am getting at is if Gustave feels comfortable calling you his uncle I shall not interfere. Keep in mind that if for one moment you seem to…to be reverting I shall not hesitate to remove him from your life permanently," he ends his speech with a warning I will heed.
I don't acknowledge what he has said but he knows I understand and believe every word. I would do no less if our roles were reversed. Gustave's safety and peace of mind are paramount.
To lighten the mood Raoul deadpans, "I always wanted a brother, welcome to the family Erik."
"So Uncle Erik it is." Simply put and to the point. Better than tossing the gravy bowl in his face. Slowly I pus the tempting missile out of reach. Just in time as Gustave returns to join us. Our meal commences and we delve into the meal like three hungry farm workers instead of proper gentlemen at Gustave's instigation. We share this companionable moment. Even Raoul loosens up enough so that he can cast aside his manners and shovel in food in a disgraceful manner yet doesn't feel out of place with all three of us joining in. I am a part of something not an outcast.
The meal set the tone for the rest of the day. By sundown we were all dreadfully dirty, tired and yet content to be so. This day must go down as one of my most pleasant in a lifetime with so few truly happy days recorded in my mind. This one I will replay many times when I am separated from Gustave. It will suffice until he can be with me again. A truce has been declared between Raoul and I. We are aligned in our mission to raise Gustave to be the best man he can be. I will let Raoul tend to his morals and I will take care of his artistic training. We are a family, of sorts.
A/N: Got some quick reviews so thought I'd post another chapter.