Chapter 9: Too Far Along In our Crime.
a/n: Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate them all. Thanks to Kstew 411 News via RobMyWorld, Twilight Enabler, Temptation Podcast, Wide Awake Rehab, for rec' love as well. And thanks to the ADF cabin from the lovely rangers over there.
a/n: Sorry for the long wait, the bronchitis and pneumonia did a number on me. Thanks to Sevenmom for the TLC!
a/n: Chapter title and lyrical quote from: "Phantom Limb" by the Shins. Lovely song about forbidden love. This song's about two lesbians in a small town high school trying to keep it on the down low, (phantom limb - get it? lol), but it works well with interspecies dating as well. :) Song's on my profile.
a/n: This is the first part of the entire chapter I wrote--it's basically one 24 hr. period in Edward's life, starting early in the morning. The second part I will post in the next couple days to keep it all fresh in your minds what's going on.
quote: 310:
"Well, I did wonder...about you and me....someday..."
He was instantly serious. I could tell by the sudden stillness of his body. I froze too, reacting automatically.
"I don't think that....that...would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that...close?"
"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you."
xxx(a/n: Italiacs: thoughts in one's head that Edward can hear)
2:00 AM
"You or....." Her shakey voice trailed off as I turned sharply to avoid a thick tree stump. I never said piggy backing made for smooth sailing. My instructions to keep her eyes closed were never heeded though. And Bella paid dearly afterwards, walking around like a dazed child who'd spun around one too many times.
Which only made her smile more.
"You...or......Bruce Lee?"
I rolled my eyes, not bothering to respond. She knew the answer, we went over a similar match-up just yesterday with Jet Li. I'd wait for him to advance with a flying kick, and then slap him down on the floor and -
"bite him in the neck, " she interjected last night.
I never said I was creative with my attack strategies - just efficient.
A put-out sigh escaped in response to my silence; her warm breath danced around my nostrils, burning and comforting me at the same time. The burn signaled she was too close; and that was a good thing now, despite the side effects.
"Fine.....You....or Wolverine....."
I stopped momentarily at the edge of the steep cliff, so she could peek over my shoulder before we descended. More than once I'd wondered outloud if she was just using me for makeshift amusement park benefits. Our nightly ritual had yet another feature tacked onto it now. After talking, and me reading to her in silly voices, and her reading "The Little Prince"back at me, we now took a quick "night jaunt." Bella swore it helped her to relax.
"It's more effective than a warm glass of milk, promise," she'd say with wild eyes and hair afterwards.
When I mentioned that running down cliffs and up mountains at near-freezing night temperatures could be neither warm or sleep -inducing, she spat out yet another line of reasoning to make sure all her bases were covered.
"It's what parents do with infants, silly. They drive their babies around in their minivans until they fall asleep. You're my minivan AND a cup of warm milk, all wrapped into one."
Said the girl who raised her arms over her head, roller coaster style.
But I never said I was immune to flattery, so I played along.
Sometimes we drove for hours before finding a good spot to play. Sometimes we stepped out into the forest right behind her place. Bella started googling places within foot and driving distances, tailormade for my useless talents. Her preferences were coastal views with steep drops, just like our first night outside. And without fail, she always had a ziploc baggy at the ready to gather up new sand memories for her dresser.
I had a total of five bags on her sandy dresser top display now.
We looked down the drop together in silence now. This cliff was steeper than usual, a virtual dead man's drop.
No roller coaster arms in the air this time around, she decided all on her own. Bella wrapped her arms around me as I started downwards, her stiffled giggles burrowing into my neck as I ran down the side of the cliff. We were trudging along the sandy bottom below before I responded.
"Wolverine or me? Are we talking cartoon version, or live action Hugh Jackman version?"
She pondered the match-ups before answering: "Err...live action Hugh Jackman."
"Like taking candy from a baby. I'd put on a Broadway showtune, Wolverine Jack would start tap dancing on cue, and then I'd--"
"bite him on the neck. God, you're so predictable."
Her hand smoothed down my hair gently to let me know she was joking. The contact caused the burn to strengthen inside me. I reminded myself over and over again in silence: the more it burned, the closer she was.
"I'd mix it up a little more if I were you. Like rip a limb off, or....." Her soft lips brushed against my ear, on purpose I imagined," kick 'em in the shins." The kiss she planted on my earlobe next forced me into chanting mode.
Closer is a good thing.... burning is a good thing....burning means closer...
So true in theory, but not in reality. Every part of me knew a good thing could turn into a very bad thing if I let my guard for just one second. Too much of her scent twirled around me. Too much of her flesh pressed against me.
Too much Bella. Too much Bella while racing and moving in ways my instincts confused with hunting.
I didn't waste a second by turning us around and speeding back from the way we came from. She didn't ask what I was doing, only leaned her head away from me while patting my shoulder.
I'd done this before, she understood what had happened.
We stayed silent for the rest of the trek back, her head slumped against my shoulder by the time I reached her apartment building.
I'd kept her out too late again.
Only when I scooped her half-conscious form up into my arms and flung us back onto her balcony, did she finally speak.
"You're thirsty again."
Yes.
"You're thirsty more often now..." She waited for me to confirm her fears, even elaborate on it, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. As if I needed to give her another reason to lock her window tonight and shut me out for good. Instead of answering, I laid her gently and pulled the covers over her chilled body.
Kept her out too late again, and for too long.
I kissed my hand and placed it on her cheek, that's the closest I'd let myself get in my current state. That first night I had been too careless in the dark theater, too eager to take what she offered me. Flushed kisses under the pale blue light of the movie projector. Whispers of intentions and promises. Her embraces, even as I slipped into another stupor where she starred in more perverse fantasies I couldn't control.
It was one thing to be careless in public, but her bedroom was a different matter. She was most vulnerable here, and not because I could take her in a variety of ways without any witnesses. She was surrounded by all the things she loved most. Her mother's books, her sandbags of memories, pictures and letters and journals that connected her to the living. I was walking on hallowed ground in this room, and couldn't bear to defile it with deviant impulses of any kind.
"Like a sack of potatoes, that's how you throw me around when putting me into my bed." Her eyes were closed, yet a smirk danced along her lips. I waited in silence for her to drift off again. But her hands reached out blindly, waiting for me fill the space between them. "I think it's my favorite part of all. You throwing me around like a sack of potatoes."
Her fingers twitched impatiently when I continued to keep my distance, beckoning me to her. "Lay down with me, just for a second before you go."
She knew the answer already. I'd yet to lay down beside her, even on nights where I was satiated and centered in my head.
"Fine." Bella opened one eye in my direction while sitting up and patting her hand on the end of the bed. "Just lay down right here then. It's a good compromise."
I assumed the position that I had for the last week, laying halfway on the trunk that was a the foot of her bed, halfway onto the bottom of her mattress. It was a big step in my mind, to go from her porch balcony to here with confidence.
I worried it wasn't enough for her though; it took so much time, so much work, for the slightest advance. She'd be eighty before I could be a proper partner to her.
Her small feet, buried underneath the comforter, sought out my touch. They wiggled through the sheets right in front of my face, demanding my attention. I humored them most nights by laying my hand on top of them while she fell asleep. But tonight I pushed myself a little further. My fingers brushed against her blanketed calf, and I couldn't help but smile when her breathing became more uneven with each carresses.
To know I could affect her, however slight, made me tolerate the stoking flames within better.
So I went even further, pressing my lips against her toes before leaning my head onto her ankles and making a makeshift pillow out of them. She curled her body downwards, extending a hand to my hair.
"I take it back. THIS is my new favorite part."
I didn't let the shame and hunger ruin this one moment. They bled into the background as I basked in the warmth of Bella's acceptance of what little I could offer her.
xxx
6:00 AM
Another hour, another cliff side. And with less attractive company.
Bella's bed was becoming harder and harder to leave. And the price for not leaving when I should have? Every family member staring me down with scrutinizing eyes. All because I happened to mention I hadn't "gotten around" to the family business at hand yet. The day was breaking and it left little time for me to search. Emmett and Jasper volunteered to help me cover the terrain before school.
Alice and her visions were at it again. Three, maybe four drifters were coming in this direction. The group was loosely organized, and members were added and subtracted casually on their travels. They were a non-threat if they foraged and moved on. But if they squatted in these parts for more than a couple days, mischief could ensue. Alice's visions were changing constantly with their whims and distractions. Not that we were exactly on talking terms these days. I simply digged inside her head for any details I needed.
When were they arriving exactly? That wasn't Alice's job to figure out. She was the first line of defense for our family unit, anticipating the arrival of others like us in our territory. But I was the second line who filled in the details with my abilities. I could hear when they were closing in, keeping the family one step ahead at all times.
That is, when I wasn't offering little human girls cheap thrill rides down the mountainsides.
The sun had risen over an hour ago, and it was getting late. We all stood out at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the forest below. My brain absent-mindedly took note that Bella would probably like this part of the forest for a future hike.
They weren't here yet. Which meant there was time for me to hunt.
"We just went two days ago," Jasper reminded me with the proposal. Little did he know I'd hunted twice since then.
All three of us listened closely to the sounds before us. Our noses surveyed the landscape as well:
Deer moving slowly to the east.
Mountain Lion quietly following their path in the same direction.
Bobcat on the move just below this cliff. And a host of other characters of lesser importance: rabbits, squirrels, even a stray dog. Yet even they were nudging me with their bloodscent. It felt like I hadn't drank in months, and it had been less than twelve hours.
Jasper stared until I looked back at him: "No lion. Not enough time."
I checked my watch: he was right.
"There's always enough time for lion, " Emmett interjected, giving me a conspiratory smirk. With a quick salute, Emmett jumped down the steep drop, landing dozens of yards below, feet first. His deep voice shot out to us from underneath: "The question is who's gonna get to it first, and who'll have to settle for Bambi."
His voice trailed off as he disappeared into the thick blanket of forest below. I followed in fast pursuit as Jasper lingered behind.
Jasper didn't mind deer so much. Or Bobcats for that matter.
Emmett was always predictable, moving like a battering ram in a straight line towards his target. Shoving and pushing brush and trees out of his way, sounding like a agitated hurricane as he approached. Which explained my own strategy: I veered off to the left towards the river, anticipating the change in direction the herd would take with the oncoming Emmett. Crouching down low to the ground, I placed my palms against the ground. The mossy ground reverberated only slightly, like raindrops showering down from inside the ground. But it was enough to know that the herd had turned earlier than anticipated.
I backtracked quickly, jumping onto to a low-hanging tree limb, just in time to watch the herd glide past me in frenzied unison. The lion followed silently, too busy in his own stalking to notice mine. I landed on him just as Emmett attacked as well, his rock hard fist bashing into the side of my face.
All three of us tumbled together, over and over again. As we rolled to a stop, I lunged towards the nape of its neck to stake my claim. Instincts took over, my teeth sawing down its soft skin, left to right and back again. Past thin layers of fat, hard muscle, and harder bone. I freed the blood from it's vessels, directing the overflow into my mouth. The animal struggled feebly, forcing me to bear down harder with my jaws. Silence soon overtook it, leaving me to withdraw its lifeforce in peace.
xx
"Edward...Edward...."
My eyes opened and I looked up in a haze. Emmett stared down at me with careful eyes. "Let it go. It's bled dry." He stared up at the position of the sun. "We've been out too long, it's getting late."
I shook my head rapidly as if to say "no," but was really trying to nuzzle deeper into the cavity I'd ripped open at the neck. There had to be more, the thirst was still strong -
"What are you doing? There's nothing lef--"
My head lifted abruptly, vaguely noticing Emmett's words trail off.
Dog.
The little mutt I'd picked up on earlier had wandered its way over to us. Small, underfed; its tail wagging excitedly, begging us to play.
All right.
My body lunged toward the canine without a second thought, snapping its head back and drawing out what little I could from its neck. Which wasn't enough. I pushed the hollowed carcass away from me in frustration.
Emmett's rigid stance grabbed my attention. His eyes narrowed into mere slits. "Jesus. It had its dog tags on still." He nudged the limp body with his shoe. "Since when did you start slumming for house pets?"
A vision of a smirking Bella, resplendent in an oversized nightshirt and sitting Indian-style on her bed, came to mind. She would have laughed at Emmett's unknowing nod to our running joke about pets. Which made me laugh as well. A little too boisterously I imagined, given Emmett's bristled reaction to it.
He crouched down to my eye level. "You okay?" His head tilted in the direction of the dog's broken body. I wasn't sure how to even explain what had made me do that right now.
I nodded back, letting my laughter trail off. He clothes were clean and pressed still, save it for the quick tumble we had earlier.
"Why didn't you go after the deer?"
Emmett didn't take his eyes off me as he sat down. "Why would I? Like Jasper said, we hunted a couple of days ago. I was just trying to hurry you up by pretending I wanted the lion too."
He planted his gaze away from mine, pretending to poke at the leaves on the ground. Emmett smiled easily, but his voice was tight - guarded. "Listen, bro. I've been thinking about a boys-only trip. Up to Alaska, just you and me. We could get away for awhile, get some good hunting in. Apparently the local fare around here isn't enough for you."
Irritation flared inside me. He wasn't just talking about stray pets. The words were an slight towards Bella.
His eyes softened at my tense reaction, and he poked me with his elbow. "The scenery and company up North aren't so bad, either. Especially since they're one and the same."
Tanya.
Forever promoting Tanya. "Blondes are more fun," he once told me in a bid to peak my interest. "But redheads? Redheads are more trouble. Petting zoos are fun. But trouble is that rickety roller coaster at the boardwalk with a five story drop that you're sure is going to kill you, but you still wait in line for the chance. Petting a goat vs. freefalling, there's no comparison."
The word freefalling, something I'd done just hours earlier with a certain non-redhead, made me burst out in laughter again. The nightshirted Bella in my mind laughed harder. Apparently, Emmett had never met a brunette like Bella. And if she had been present, she would have been the first to point out that Emmett had never been to a boardwalk or ridden on a roller coaster - let alone pet a goat.
Under different circumstances, I imagined Emmett and Bella becoming great friends.
"Why are you laughing like that?" Emmett said "laughter" and "that" in an accusatory voice; as if laughter of any kind was unnatural for me, and laughing like "that" was downright criminal.
I tried to redirect the conversation: "Why Alaska?"
"You need to clear your head, your wires have been criss-crossing in weird ways lately." He waited for me to look at him, before deliberately staring back at the limp body of the dog as evidence. "We could go today, right this instance, if you'll let me take you."
His voice was barely above a whisper, as if he trying to keep his words from reaching Jasper. His eyes silently pleaded with me to consider.
I protested too quickly, too loudly about why we couldn't. I mentioned school and the family and any other excuse that could be reined into the argument. Except for reason that mattered most: Bella.
But Emmett understood. The human girl who was monopolozing my nights in ways no one was sure of yet was my only concern.
"All roads lead to back to her, don't they? You not willing to go right now. Your distracted ways...." He finished his sentences in his head:
And this thirst inside you? The one that's been unswayed by the mountain lion today, and deer just days ago? That's got you groveling over mutts the size of a cat? It can't be satisfied by drinking. And it can't be satisfied by that little girl over late night movie screenings and hand holding. She's bringing all of this out of you, but she can't satisfy it. She'll break faster than that mutt did, if you try to quench anything with her...
I shook my head in indignation, as if I'd put her in any more danger than she already was with my company. For years he'd joked that one day we were going to have "the talk" once I actually took an interest in someone. Who knew he took the charge so seriously.
"You don't understand what's between us. It's not like that." At least I kept telling myself that. That we could stay as we have been indefinitely. Sweet and intimate and comforting to one another, as long as I kept other desires in check.
His thoughts screamed back at me:
If it's not like THAT and yet there's something between you, then you're only making my point more. What's next for you two? Taking her to prom, pinning her with a corsage and kissing her goodnight on the front porch swing? Those sorts of things, Edward? Are not in the cards for you, you relinquished those rites decades ago. And I think being around her, you're forgetting that fact.
He surveyed my defiant expression and tried a different approach.
If we went up North, you could put things in perspective better, put some distance between you and the situation--
"Bella. Her name is Bella. And I don't want distance from her right now."
What you want and what you need aren't the same right now, and you damn well know it. We don't even have to be gone long. Just some hunting, some fresh air to clear your head a little, a quick visit to Tanya. Tanya could put things in perspective for you. Could make what was brought out by the girl a good thing in the end -
"What she brought out is a good thing already. And I'll manage whatever is happening to me. I've handled strong hungers like this before."
He couldn't argue. I'd fallen the farthest during my rebellious years. But I'd risen the farthest as well, mastering my appetites without so much as a slip since my turnaround.
Emmett couldn't say as much.
"The visitors are coming. I'm not leaving Bella alone here with them." I tried to lighten the mood, " Knowing her, she'd probably pull up right next to them on the side of the road and offer them a ride to town. She has a knack for finding disaster."
"Obviously." Emmett continued staring at the ground, deep in thought. "I know her pull is strong right now, but you can still turn this around. It's not too late, for either of you."
I didn't like the tone he took, as if it embedded a warning. The fact he began to repeat the alphabet inside his head to shut me out of his thoughts only heightened my distress.
"What if I want it to be too late?"
Emmett's grim face finally met mine: "Then it already is."
xx
"This town seems hardly worth our time,
And we'll no longer memorize or rhyme,
Too far along in our crime"
--The Shins
xx
PS:
some FAQ from last chapter:
a/n: FAQ: Why is your Cullen family portrayal so harsh/OOC? I actually think the Cullens in Twilight exhibited the idea of "family first." And that's great once you're in the family, and when Bella first meets them, she's already "in" because Edward had already chosen her to be his partner. But before it was official that she was "in," it's pretty clear that excluding Carlisle and Alice, the rest of the family would have found her expendable if she got in the way of compromising their family in any way. They voted on whether to kill her or not just weeks before she met them. So, this fic is sorta going with this notion--that the Cullens will give up their lives for you once you're in the family. If you're not a full fledged member yet though, you are still a viable threat.