Chapter 10 – The Lovers

"Can I say that I love you or will you start laughing again?"

"For maker's sake, Nathaniel, I was in shock!"

"From hearing me say I love you? Flattering."

"No, from fighting a gigantic demon while my leg was broken and hurting really bad. I think I had the right to be a bit hysterical at that point."

"And I guess hearing Oghren say 'Andraste's knickerweasels' didn't help much."

"No. Oh, Maker, now whenever I think of you telling me you love me, I will also think of Oghren."

"And knickerweasels. Don't forget them."

"I hate you."

"You don't."

"No. Now shut up and look at the stars."

Nathaniel grinned and turned his eyes towards the sky. If he was being completely honest, it wasn't really the best time or the place for stargazing. It was cloudy, so every now and then the stars were hidden behind dark clouds. It was also windy and the weather had gotten colder, so both of them were dressed in layers of clothes that somewhat dampened the romantic mood of the situation. And since there'd been another attempt at Sarah's life, Varel had put his foot down and absolutely forbidden them to leave the Keep grounds, so they were lying on a grassy patch close to Samuels' hut.

And despite all that, Nathaniel couldn't think of a more perfect situation, because right there and then, he was happy. But happiness had always been a problem for him. A part of him felt that he didn't deserve the feelings he now felt. It was too easy, too safe, too perfect. There had to be a catch, there had to be a downfall, and he couldn't help but wonder when things would go wrong.

He'd told Sarah these thoughts the previous night, after they'd returned from the Blackmarsh and were snuggling by the fireplace in her room, while technically going through some reports that Vaerl thought she should read.

"Why does love have to be difficult to find, or require constant struggle?" she'd asked him. "I mean, you and me… You already blamed yourself for your father's actions. I still feel sorry for your father's death. Do we need more worry, more guilt and tears? Is happiness really something that needs to be earned through pain?"

"I guess not," he'd sighed, caressing her cheek. "But I can't help that part of me feels like this is too easy. Like I don't deserve you."

"Wait until I have a really bad day and you can reconsider whether this is too easy," she'd said and then looked straight into his eyes. "And for deserving anything… Amidst all that's going on in our life, we both deserve happiness. You make me happy. And if I can make you happy, then… What more can I ask for?"

"Our life," he'd muttered, his fingers sliding into her hair. "I think I like hearing that."

He'd kissed her and for a while there had been nothing in the world but her, her taste, her touch, her voice that whispered his name between the kisses. And then there had been a knock on the door, a guard sent by Varel to ask if Sarah had had time to read the reports yet. It hadn't taken long to send the stuttering young man away, but nevertheless Nathaniel had kissed Sarah goodnight and retired to his own room, leaving her with the damned reports.

The next day a crossbow bolt had grazed her arm, while another bolt had whizzed just past her head as she dove for cover.

Varel had been furious, demanding to know how the assassins had made their way to the battlements without being noticed. After dealing with the guards the Seneschal had marched into the prison, where he'd tried some new ways of extracting information from the men they'd caught earlier. The two new assassins were not in any condition to answer questions, at least not without a skilled mage to raise them; Nathaniel's arrows and Anders' spells had made sure of that.

Nathaniel knew that happiness was frail. Any day one of them could die. So stargazing, even when it was cold and cloudy, made perfect sense. Her fingers were trailing patterns on his palm, and he felt, without a doubt, that he deserve to feel the happiness he did. But it was only a matter of time before it might end.

"Warden-Commander, I'm so sorry to disturb you," a guard had approached them carefully and finally spoke. "A woman just arrived and she… Claire thought it was best you met her. She's waiting in the main hall. It's Aura, she's the wife of… well, was the wife of…"

"This can't be happening, not now," Sarah almost wailed as she sat up. "I'll come right away. Just… try to make sure Justice doesn't walk into the hall. I don't think the poor woman can stand the shock."

"How are you going to tell her that her husband is dead, but his body is being used by a good Fade spirit?" Nathaniel asked as he helped her up, taking any opportunity to touch her before she had to hurry away to be the Warden-Commander.

"I have no idea," she sighed.

…

"…My love, what has happened to you, why are you…" A woman's voice, desperate and pleading echoed through the hall and Sarah winced as she saw Justice standing there, staring at the woman who had tears streaming down her face.

"I'm not your husband," Justice said and the woman's voice rose to a wail.

"How can you say that? I don't care what has happened to you, I just want you back. And you're alive, you're here and…"

"He's not," Sarah heard her own voice falter even though it was just two words. Two words that would shatter this woman's life for good. "Please, you need to listen. Kristoff, your husband, he… He died."

"But he's right here, he's…" The woman turned to look at Justice, her voice finally faltering as her mind started to process what she was seeing. "You… If you're not my husband… But that is his body. This is…"

"I can explain everything, please, just…" Sarah reached to touch the woman, but she backed away, fear in her eyes.

"An abomination! You've allowed my Kristoff to become an abomination!" Aura wailed. "Wait until the Chantry hears of this, they'll tear down the walls of this place to destroy that thing. And hopefully you too!" She turned and rushed out, almost tripping over the hem of her dress as she fled.

"That could've gone better," Sarah muttered and then turned to Justice, who was staring into the distance with a strange look on his face. "Are you alright?"

"This body, it… It remembered her," Justice turned to look at Sarah slowly, speaking like it was difficult for him to find the words. "I know I've never seen her before and I have no feelings towards her, but there was this sudden urge to… to touch her, to tell her everything would be fine. Why would this man's mind want to lie to her?"

"There's still a part of Kristoff there?" Sarah asked. She wasn't certain she wanted to hear the answer.

"Some memory steeped into the flesh, fading all the time," Justice replied. "I think it was her reaction her feelings, that made the sensation so strong. But the person who lived in this body before, he's really gone. There are just echoes, of… of love, I think. Of his love towards her."

"You need to tell her," Sarah said. "She needs to hear that even though her husband is gone, he truly loved her."

"And you need her not to send this Chantry to attack us?" Justice asked, his voice almost disapproving.

"I wasn't thinking about that, but yes, it would be nice not to have Templars storming the walls, demanding that we destroy you as an abomination," Sarah said. "Wait here, I'll go and try to calm down Aura so that she would listen to you."

Sarah hurried out, almost bumping into Varel, who was coming from the prison. There was a speck of blood on the seneschal's coat that Sarah decided not to ask about, and a grim look on his face.

"Bann Esmerelle," Varel said, his voice somewhere between shocked and angry.

"What about Bann Esmerelle?" Sarah had planned on telling Varel to wait and running after Aura, but the tone of Varel's voice made her stop.

"She was behind the attacks. Clearly your rule doesn't please her, even though she got her way with having soldiers protecting Amaranthine," Varel didn't even attempt to hide his disgust. "She sent the earlier thugs, she probably sent these newest assassins as well."

"This really isn't turning out to be the best of nights," Sarah sighed. "We can't start a huge uproar over this, there may be people who are on the fence now but might jump to Esmerelle's side."

"Just what I was thinking," Varel replied. "So how do we deal with the situation?"

"I'll go and confront her," Sarah said, and continued before Varel had time to protest, "A small group can sneak into her house easily and we can take her down. I'm hoping we could capture her, but… Well, we'll have to see how co-operative she cares to be. And besides," Sarah added, as she stared at the courtyard that was completely hysterical wife-free, "we have another good reason to go to Amaranthine."

…

"The place is deserted," Nathaniel said as they walked through the main hall of Esmerelle's house in the richest part of Amaranthine. "She must be at her mansion, although she hardly ever spends time there, since it's in a very remote area and she wants to be in touch with the affairs of the city."

"We really don't have time to chase her down," Sarah sighed. "I have a bad feeling that whatever the darkspawn and the... Mother, whoever she is, are planning, is going to happen soon. We need to be at the Vigil."

"If she's escaped, she knows we know, and she might not make another attempt. Or she might get desperate and make several attempts," Nathaniel said. "You never know with her kind."

"Is this truly so common for humans?" Justice asked. "A threat of war is upon you and this Esmerelle is willing to thin the ranks of those defending all the people just to gain power to herself?"

"It's very human," Anders answered, grinning. "At least we're good at something."

"Humans are amateurs when it comes to us dwarves!" Oghren exclaimed, clearly taking pride in his race's ability to backstab just about anyone when politics was concerned. "So, no one to kill here, shame, but do we have time to stop by the tavern?"

"We need to find Aura, and Nathaniel wants to visit Delilah, so you and Anders can…"

"Do I really need to go with him?" Anders sounded like a petulant child. "He'll pass out and I'll need to pay the bill and then drag him out to sober up."

"Stop whining, you dress-wearing freak," Oghren said. "You like the ladies, and with me around, the women just swarm us."

Sarah made a sound that sounded much like a muffled laugh, Nathaniel had a sudden attack of very serious cough, and even the look on Justice's face looked very much like a stifled grin. Anders simply rolled his eyes.

"Swarm because of my animal magnetism," Oghren declared. "Just you wait and see."

…

"Stay away from me!" Aura's voice was desperate as she eyed Sarah and Justice. "I don't want to see that creature!"

"Please, you need to hear this," Sarah said. Justice put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her aside gently.

"I will do this, my friend. What I have to say is from me, and from Kristoff, to Aura alone," the spirit spoke in a calm voice, but Sarah felt his hand shake a little before he lifted it from her shoulder. "My lady, give me a moment to talk, and if after that you still feel like I'm an abomination to be destroyed, I will follow your orders and let the templars destroy this body."

"I… I don't know," Aura was staring at him with a look of absolute despair on her face. "Very well, talk."

"I'll wait outside," Sarah said and headed to the door. She leaned on the wall and stared at the statue of Andraste outside the Chantry, wondering if Justice had really meant what he said, if he really would allow himself to be killed. But it had been his choice and Sarah could only hope that the trust the spirit out on Aura was well founded. After a while Nathaniel walked up the steps, smiling the happy smile of a man who'd just spent time with his family, but seeing Sarah, his smile faded.

"Everything alright?" he asked. sarah shook her head.

"I don't know. Justice is talking to her and… I feel like I should be there, but I think I would just make a mess of the whole thing. And Justice seems to think that he can make Aura understand. But I don't know if I should…"

"Shhh," Nathaniel pulled her into his arms. "You can't do everything yourself. No matter how hard you try."

"You're very good at this," Sarah muttered against his shoulder. "Making me feel better," she explained as Nathaniel peeked down at her, giving her a puzzled look.

"It's my goal in life," Nathaniel said, and the sound of his voice, of those words, made Sarah feel like there were a million butterflies in her stomach. She was about to kiss him when the door of the Chantry opened and Justice stepped outside.

"What happened?" Sarah looked at Justice, who was staring at a ring on his finger.

"She's going to return home to mourn for her husband," Justice said, not taking his eyes off the ring. "She understands the situation, even though it causes her pain. Humans are surprising creatures."

"Are you ready to leave then?" Sarah asked carefully. The spirit lifted his eyes from the ring for the first time and nodded.

"This was his. Kristoff's. The symbol of their love. She wants me to keep it. And that makes me… happy? I'm not certain, but I think it helps me understand this body, and this world, better." Justice went back to looking at the ring for a moment until he seemed to snap out of a trance. "But we should leave now."

"First we need to see if it's possible to drag Oghren out of that tavern," Nathaniel said and then held out his hand. Sarah took it, smiling, and they headed to find a very drunken dwarf and possibly a very annoyed mage before heading home.

…

"I thought you'd never get out," Nathaniel grinned as Sarah came from Varel's office. He'd been waiting outside the room for almost an hour, gathering questioning and amused glances from guards and servants, but ignoring them.

"It was important," she sighed. "Well, until they started talking about the trade routes and how it's important to keep them safe. What's the point of keeping the trade routes safe if the villages the traders trade with are burnt to the ground by darkspawn and…"

"Enough," Nathaniel muttered and kissed her. "No more talk about work for the night. We just got back and Varel abducted you into the meeting right away, but I'm going to make sure that you get your rest tonight."

"Have I told you how wonderful you are?" Sarah smiled and allowed Nathaniel to wrap his arm around her as they walked along the corridor. A guard walked past them, saluting and trying no to grin. Two more guards were standing at the bottom of the stairs, and two more at the top of them.

"Varel has gone a little crazy with the guards," Sarah grinned as they walked up the stairs, past the guards and towards her room. "At least he's finally convinced that there's no point having a guard outside my door. If any assassin gets that close, I'm probably doomed anyway."

"You shouldn't joke about that." Nathaniel's voice was serious. "After what happened with Aura… I can't help thinking about what it would be like if I lost you, now that I've just found you."

"I'll do my best not to be killed, if you do the same," Sarah answered as they reached her door. "Right now you're my only… I can forget all the worries with you. I don't need to be the Warden-Commander, I can be myself. So don't you dare get yourself killed," she said, trying to stop her voice from breaking.

"I will," he leaned to kiss her. "Don't worry, my love. And sleep well." He pulled away, but she took hold of his hand, while her other hand came to caress his face.

"Stay," she whispered. It felt right, saying the word, after everything they'd been through, after seeing Aura and her pain of losing the love of her life, after realizing that what she had with Nathaniel was so precious and yet so fragile. Nathaniel looked at her, the look on his face a mixture of surprise and hope.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He followed her into the room, still holding her hand, and as the door closed, he leaned to kiss her. It was a very hesitant kiss, and part of Sarah thought that it was cute how nervous Nathaniel seemed. Another part, however, was not so pleased with his hesitation and returned the kiss with passion. Nathaniel made a little sound, almost like a desperate growl, and then kissed her hungrily. He pushed her against the door and she curled her fingers into her hair while his hands held her waist, his body pressed against hers, and his lips, his tongue, met hers again and again.

Sarah tried not to, but she couldn't help thinking about the last time she'd been with a man. The memory wasn't very pleasant; seeing your lover struck down by attackers after a night of, well, fairly good sex did leave a nasty mark on a person.

"What's wrong? You want to stop?" Nathaniel was staring at her, and she could see it in his eyes, he was pleading her not to say 'yes'.

"I'm fine," she said, her fingers playing with the laces on Nathaniel's shirt. She had bad memories, but she couldn't let them get hold of her and spoil the now. Because now was all that mattered, all that she needed. "And stopping is the last thing in my mind," she purred and kissed Nathaniel again. The memory tried to cling to her mind, but was swept away by the kisses, by the touches, and finally by Nathaniel's hands, which found their way under her shirt.

It was different from all the other times she'd slept with someone. She couldn't really think what about it was different, but she felt it was. The slow kisses as they peeled off each others clothes, the passionate kisses as they stumbled onto the bed, the way their hands and lips explored each other's bodies… The whole world was filled with kisses and touches and sighs and whispers and moans and sensations that one moment made her feel like she couldn't take any more and the next moment made her want more, made her give more, made her feel hot and cold and shiver and whisper and moan his name over and over. It was different and it was good and it was right and it was…

It was him and he was everything and the world around her exploded.

…

"You know, you completely failed in your plan to make sure I get rest. It'll be your fault if I'm tired tomorrow."

"I know. I'm horribly torn up about it. Whatever can I do to make amends?"

"I have some ideas."

A kiss, a creak of the bed and then there was again no need for words.

…

Note from the writer: I wanted to write about the effects of Oghren's animal magnetism in the tavern, but just thinking about it made me swoon,so writing would've been impossible (just think about the amount of damage to the keyboard from swooning over it all the time). So I'll just leave those scenes to your imagination. ;) Feel free to write your ideas in the comments, or write your own fic and, please, tell me where to find it.

And the line "I'm horribly torn up about it.", I'm pretty sure I just stole it from somewhere, but I can't for the life of me remember where. So help is appreciated. :)