When reading this chapter, it is recommended that you at least read the previous chapter if you do not remember it very well, otherwise the mixing up of chronology I often do might seem a bit confusing.

Without further ado, enjoy!

9. Half-Life

It was already May, and the coming of summer was on full throttle; on the outskirts of Tokyo lawns were almost wholly transformed from muddy brown to rejuvenated green, and wilted-looking trees had grown themselves new, nourished leaves. Even people seemed to gain new vitality; their smiles were just a tad bit more sincere, their bows a tad bit more polite. Still, seeing the ever-growing amount of discreetly kissing couples in the park always made Youko feel even more wistful than usually in the current time of the year.

Youko did not want to pity herself. She was clever enough to realize that there were a billion fates more abysmal than hers. Sitting in her apartment in front of the window and looking outside, she could not seriously consider herself unlucky. Unsurprisingly, in those days she thought about a lot of things. Apart from the more obvious considerations, she found herself more than once thinking about the war, in which even her grandparents' generation had been associated, and the whole notion was very hard for her to comprehend. She thought about her grandfather's brother, who had killed without regret, and when she contemplated such events long enough, they slowly began to lose all their meaning and it became even harder to grasp them.

What it meant for millions to die in a matter of days?

How much the world had changed, and in such a short period of time.

With every thought she gave to the dead, she became more and more certain that she herself was not entirely among the living.

But the modern industrial societies were not for daydreamers, and her own even less so than others.

One foot in front of the other, bear with the pain accompanying every step and repeat the process so many times that the hurting feet and the bleeding heart were numb enough to stop complaining.

She did not pity herself, but she was anxious, and very much so.

And as she always did when she was in the mood, she reminisced. About the graduation, about her former peers, about the Yamayurikai, about the things she had gone over so many times before. And with every thought she gave to her former loved ones, the more unbearable her longing became.

Amidst her musings, her work never ceased to be any less demanding. What she had once seen as her calling was rapidly revealing its true self; covering up for endemically corrupt politicians and bureaucrats was exactly what it appeared to be and nothing else. As any ambitious person, she had wanted to make a difference, and searching for loopholes in her opponent's very valid arguments against her clients had whatsoever nothing to do with saving the world.

Admittedly, getting caught up in her past so tightly that she was unable to see the future had not been a part of her plans either. Yet, she often wondered where she did actually belong in. Back in the day she had been certain that Lillian with its high walls and pure maidens was not the place, but now, she could reverse her words with equal conviction.

As Sei had said with her exceptional, if somewhat erratic, wisdom, Lillian was not supposed to determine their lives.

But if it did so, what is the point in struggling against it?

Among those who had attended the graduation ceremony with her, most would only carry happy memories with them, memories which may have felt sad at the time, but which would slowly fade as time went by. Perhaps it really was rare for someone to get as hopelessly entangled in high school life as she had, so hopelessly that she would never be able to fully leave it behind her.

But it had been her choice, be it a conscious one or not, and there was no denying the desires of one's heart.

Suddenly, Youko's mobile phone came to life. Lazily reaching for the ringing piece of advanced technology, her irritated mind quickly became overwhelmed.

Sei calling...

…

Answer?

"I think I should go."

It was close to three at night, and even the hooligans outside had stopped making noise. The silence was absolute, it was a stifling, suffocating presence in the room.

"You should have gone the moment we finished drinking the first pot of tea", Sei sighed. "In fact, I believe you should have never come here."

"Don't say that."

Sei snorted, and there was the same ominous sound to her voice as there had been during that autumn night they had parted for the second time. Knowing how she had never been one to lose her temper, it was all very worrying for Youko.

"Now there comes the lecturer again. Won't you ever stop meddling in my life?"

"I will stop, if you sincerely ask me to."

"I think I have made it quite clear on more than one occasion."

Youko could have risen up, put her clothes on and left, and some part of her actually wanted to do so. She was sick of staring at her own fingernails and trying desperately to say something even though there was absolutely nothing she could have said. Some monster in her even wanted to grab Sei, to hit her and shake her until she would start smiling again, and then the same old naïve desire to forget everything was surfacing again, although Youko knew that if she were to leave she would spend the whole night thinking about all the things she should have done and said.

She had never been very good at making confessions.

"I… Do you think we are completely lost?" she spat vehemently, forcing the words out of her mouth. She had prepared tons of beautiful nonsense, but in the state she was in she could not utter any of those. And she had a strong feeling that Sei would not have appreciated them anyway. "Lost beyond any hope?"

Suddenly, it was Lillian in autumn all over again. Time stopped, and that overwhelming feeling of sensing everything around her with a million times more detail flooded over her. The fridge was humming almost imperceptibly in the small kitchen, a car was speeding outside, Sei's eyes were strangely unfocused and her lips were slightly trembling. Her outlandishly shapely face with its sharp features imprinted itself on Youko's mind, and the comparison with the other picture from last autumn was a striking one.

Did it hurt so much to see me?

"I don't know… I wish I did."

Youko was too tired to think what Sei's words meant, but her heart was racing anyhow.

"Do you care about finding out?"

There was no way Sei could evade the question now, and even though it was a terrifying notion, at the same time it was a consoling one.

"You once asked me whether I ever thought about the past, and I did not give you a proper answer", Sei muttered, her hands restlessly fingering the hems of her bathrobe she had been wearing for the whole day. Even now, it was hard for Youko not to think about how Sei would look underneath the flannel. "Yes, I do think about Lillian and the year following it. It's hard not to when your past sits right in front of you."

"I..."

"But you know, that is besides the point. I have relived that dreamy year so many times in my head in these past few months that sometimes I feel I am not truly even alive anymore. It's like a twilight existence. Whatever happened in the ten years separating us I can't remember, and whatever happens in the future I don't care. And I can't even smile to conceal it."

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

"For what it's worth, on many days I feel the same way."

Sei laughed hollowly.

"Since when have become like this?" she said, clawing her face with her fingers. "One day we were on the top of the world, then suddenly we find ourselves sitting in a lousy apartment eating lousy pizza, leading this half-life of ours and unable to break free."

"I wonder that myself", Youko replied, and she could not suppress a thin smile.

If you only knew how very much alive I am right now.

"You could have had anything, Youko. A rich husband, an upper-class life with so many luxuries that your working-class parents would have turned green in disgust. You still can, if you only wish to. "

You are right, perfectly right. I could have gotten married so many times that I have lost the count...

"So could you, Sei. So could you."

But all I want is you.

"You know, Shizuka asked me to go to Italy with her a month ago."

"She did?"

"Yes. And can you guess my reply?"

Youko held her breath.

But was it a terrible fate for her if Sei had agreed, after all? They would part for good, but at least she could have slept her nights at peace knowing that someone like Rosa Canina would constantly be watching over her most beloved one.

A white rose and a black rose, their branches intertwined, the leaves of the black rose sheltering the white one from rain.

"I said I loved her", Sei sighed. "And do you know what she said to me before she left?"

"..."

"She told me I should call you."

"You could become so happy with her. She loves you that much", Youko managed to say, her voice quickly getting thick. "Why didn't you go?"

Sei shook her head, smiling resignedly.

"Because I did not want to be even more cruel to her than what I have already been. You can't just wipe away the past if you decide so. The best we can do is to mutually agree to forget, and that is far from forgetting."

"I met Shimako one day in a cafeteria."

"You did? How was she?"

"She is doing fine as a painter. We have been seeing each other sporadically after Christmas. Last time we met, I told her about us."

"You did? Were you out of your mind?"

"She if anyone deserves to know, Sei. And I believe she had guessed pretty much of it anyway."

"I don't..."

"But more importantly, can you guess what she told me to do when we last met?"

"..."

"She said I should not have let you go. Not for the second time."

Note: I have added the line breaks, which were missing by accident. Hope it clarifies things.

More notes: Some typos fixed.