Thanks as always to Prothrombintime for invaluable encouragement and feedback.
Chapter Ten
Ianto found himself alone when he woke the following morning. Uncertain whether he felt relieved or disappointed, he wondered when Jack had left and if he'd stayed the entire night. Having slept soundly and without interruption, the last thing he remembered before succumbing to sleep was being wrapped in the warmth of Jack's naked body.
Stretching out his limbs, he took a deep breath. The unmistakeable smell of sex lingered in the still air, and there was a hint of Jack's musky, masculine scent in the pillow beneath his head. As his mind cleared from the haze of sleep, the events of the previous night replayed, every detail and sensation rendered with near-perfect clarity. He groaned and curled up on his side, pulling the covers up and over his shoulders.
He wasn't ready to face this strange new reality where he and Jack were... he didn't know how to finish that line of thought. He and Jack weren't anything. They were just two people who shared a flat and had indulged in an ill-advised night of debaucherous, mind-blowing sex... sex with a man... sex that he'd initiated by grabbing hold of Jack and kissing him senseless. He still couldn't understand it. He wasn't gay. He wasn't attracted to men. Jack was... well, he didn't know what Jack was. Jack was... different.
Once again he found himself searching his memories, trying to find anything that might suggest his sexuality wasn't as clear-cut as he'd always thought. When he came up blank, he started to recall good-looking men he'd seen or met, even considering actors on television or in films. While he could appreciate that many of them were handsome blokes, and no doubt admired and envied, he didn't feel anything of a sexual nature when he thought about other men.
And yet he'd found everything about Jack's body intensely erotic. Nothing they'd done had felt wrong or distasteful, and he'd be lying to himself if he didn't acknowledge that he'd loved every moment. He'd enjoyed touching Jack, kissing Jack, tasting Jack. He'd been fascinated with the look of rapture on Jack's face as he climaxed. He liked Jack's masculinity, his strength, his firm, well-defined body. He even quite liked that Jack was bigger and stronger than him, enjoying the way Jack's bulk could surround him. To his surprise, he loved how tactile Jack was, enjoying the way that Jack took pleasure from every touch and caress, both given and received. He'd never been with someone who had treated his body with such reverence and appreciation. Jack had made him feel desirable in a way that no one else ever had, not even Lisa.
Jack had been surprisingly gentle and considerate. He'd been patient and undemanding, and he'd acted like nothing less than a gentleman. He couldn't reconcile the Jack of last night with the man he'd observed at his obnoxious best on numerous occasions. He'd begun to see a different side of Jack recently. Despite himself, he was warming to the man, and as unlikely as it seemed, he considered that perhaps they were becoming friends.
He wondered what Jack thought about it all. He wasn't sure if Jack believed his denial of not liking men, or if Jack even cared that he didn't identify as gay or bisexual. Nor did he know what Jack expected, whether this had been a one-off, or if Jack saw this as the beginning of something between them. Now that the proverbial floodgates had been torn open, Jack might assume that he'd found himself a new and readily accessible sexual partner. But the idea of being in any sort of relationship with Jack, even a casual physical one, seemed ludicrous. He didn't want to be involved with a man, he wanted to find love and happiness with a woman, like he'd had with Lisa. Besides, Jack had stated in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested in relationships.
For Ianto, sex and emotions went hand-in-hand. He'd always enjoyed sex well enough, but the idea of casual no-strings-attached encounters had never held much appeal for him. He believed that sex should be about more than physical gratification, that it should mean something and at least hold the promise of a deeper connection with the other person. At heart he was a traditional sort of bloke and, recent evidence to the contrary, he wasn't sure how he felt about engaging in a purely physical relationship with someone, man or woman.
Amidst his confused, troubled thoughts, a whisper in the back of his mind told him that something profound had happened last night. Something that went beyond physical pleasure. His world had been turned upside down, bringing what had once been fundamental, incontrovertible beliefs about himself into question.
Glancing at his alarm clock, he decided that he'd earned the indulgence of a rare lie-in. Burying himself deeper under the covers, he dozed off again, reawakening an hour later with the sound of movement in the bathroom followed by the flush of the toilet. After hearing the shower turn on, he rubbed at his eyes, reluctantly threw back the bed covers, and climbed to his feet, knowing that it wouldn't be long before Jack was demanding his morning coffee.
He retrieved his crumpled clothes from the pile on the floor, wrinkling his nose as he put them back on until he could take his turn in the bathroom. After stripping the bed, he dumped the sheets along with Jack's discarded clothes and the soiled towel in the basket inside the laundry cupboard next to the bathroom. Retrieving a clean set of sheets from the linen cupboard, he returned to the bedroom and remade the bed.
Finally, after opening the window to air out the room, he picked up the discarded greatcoat. He stared at the coat for a few moments, caressing the thick wool with his fingertips. He'd never thought of himself as having a clothing fetish, although he supposed that was the least of the things he needed to worry about. With a rueful shake of his head, he smoothed out the coat and carried it to Jack's bedroom, carefully hanging it in the wardrobe.
Finding a hungry and unhappy feline waiting for him in the kitchen, he offered breakfast and affection, then turned his attention to the coffee machine, feeling even more in need of his morning caffeine fix than usual.
He was just starting to make porridge when Jack sauntered in, looking relaxed and fresh-faced, and ready to start his day. The older man gave him a unusually gentle smile. "Hey, tiger. Sleep well?"
Ianto found himself staring at Jack, his mind filling with lurid images of Jack's naked, trembling body, his handsome features glowing with euphoria. Jack's use of one of the many despised nicknames barely registered.
Silently cursing the man for being so ridiculously good-looking, Ianto mentally shook himself and cleared his throat. "Um... yeah, thanks. You?"
Jack grinned. "Like a baby. You must have worn me out."
Ianto rolled his eyes. "I could say the same."
Jack moved closer, his smiling features taking on a more uncertain expression. He began to reach forward, as if to caress Ianto's cheek or perhaps pull him in for a kiss, but he seemed to think better of it and lowered his hand. "How are you feeling? Everything okay?"
It was almost on the tip of Ianto's tongue to tell Jack that it was okay to touch him, if that was what he wanted to do. After the level of intimacy they'd shared, it seemed a bit silly to suddenly be so awkward around each other. However, he didn't know what to say or how to begin to negotiate these strange, uncharted waters. He also wasn't sure that he wanted to encourage Jack anymore than he already had.
Instead, he offered up what he hoped was an amiable smile and reached for Jack's coffee mug. "Yep, fine. Coffee?"
"Great, thanks." Jack accepted the beverage with his usual enthusiasm and sipped at it as he leaned back against the counter. "So I need to make a start on that Tourism Board assignment today. I thought you might like to come with me? Get out of the flat for a while and get some fresh air. I'll even treat us to lunch."
Ianto paused from serving up their bowls of porridge and looked at Jack again, this time with both confusion and astonishment. For a brief, absurd moment, he wondered if this was Jack's artless attempt at inviting him on some sort of belated, impromptu date, but he admonished himself for being ridiculous. The timing seemed a bit suspicious though. Other than going to the supermarket and dinner with Tosh and Mary, they'd never spent any time together outside of the flat.
But for some reason he couldn't find it in his heart to reject Jack's offer. From the hopeful look on Jack's face, it almost seemed like the other man genuinely desired his company. He feigned a dubious look, not wanting to give in too easily. "What will you buy us for lunch?"
Jack laughed. "Anything you want. So, is that a yes?"
Ianto nodded. "Yes... yes."
Jack grabbed the nearest bowl of porridge and began eating with his usual gusto. "Great. We'll head out as soon as you're ready."
###
Ianto hoisted the heavy backpack containing Jack's assortment of photographic kit over his shoulder again, having just handed the other man a different camera lens for the umpteenth time.
They'd been walking around Cardiff Bay all morning as Jack took endless photographs. Ianto's legs were tired, and he was getting hungry. "Didn't know I was going to be a bloody pack mule," he muttered irritably.
Jack shot him a grin before attaching the lens to his camera and taking several more shots of the Millennium Centre. "Do you always complain this much?"
Ianto huffed with indignation. "No."
Jack gestured over towards the red-bricked Norwegian Church in the distance. "I just want to get a few shots from over there. Then we'll take a break and have some lunch."
In truth, Ianto had quite enjoyed their morning together, despite his ongoing confusion and uneasiness. Jack had chatted at length about photography, demonstrating both his passion and expertise for the subject. He'd shown Ianto how to use his fancy and somewhat intimidating top-of-the-line Nikon digital SLR camera, explaining all the different lenses in his collection and their uses. Ianto had always been a point-and-click photographer at best, and although some of what Jack had told him went over his head, he'd listened with his usual thirst for knowledge, asking what he hoped were intelligent questions along the way. He was seeing Jack in his element, and he couldn't help finding the man's enthusiasm infectious. Jack had insisted that Ianto try out the camera, which he'd done hesitantly, taking a few shots. He'd handed it back quickly, feeling a bit nervous about handling the expensive piece of equipment that was vital to Jack's livelihood. The close proximity of Jack's body as he'd leaned in over his shoulder and explained how to operate the camera hadn't done anything to ease his anxiety either.
It was a mild mid-summer day, warm enough that the lightweight jackets they'd both chosen to wear over their shirts were more than adequate. The sky was relatively clear, and the brisk sea air was invigorating. Ianto knew that he spent too much time cooped up in the flat, and it was nice to be outdoors for a change. So when Jack had asked what he wanted for lunch he'd suggested that they get fish and chips and eat outside.
After procuring their lunch from one of the busy shops on Mermaid Quay, they found a quiet spot on the large stone steps of the Plass and tucked into their food, sitting side-by-side and watching the bustle of people around them. More hungry than he'd realised, Ianto savoured the tasty fish encased in crunchy batter. Even so, Jack was already munching on his second piece while Ianto was still on his first.
The fifth time that Jack's hand reached to snag one of Ianto's chips, he slapped it away none too gently. Jack had probably thought he was being clever, only acting when Ianto's eyes were elsewhere, but Ianto had noticed the surreptitious theft each time.
"Ow!" Jack protested, rubbing at his abused hand in a dramatic manner.
Ianto narrowed his eyes at the other man. "Serves you right. You were stealing my chips."
"Yours taste better than mine." Jack pouted, then grabbed several of his own chips and shoved them into his mouth.
"Rubbish. They're exactly the same." Ianto only just managed to refrain from adding that it wasn't very becoming for a fully grown man to pout like a five-year old. Still, it made for an amusing image.
"Well, I'm extra hungry today," Jack argued. As if to prove his point, he filled his mouth with more chips.
"And that's your justification for stealing someone else's food, is it?" Ianto rolled his eyes at the man's antics.
Jack looked unrepentant. "You're not going to eat them all anyway."
Ianto raised an eyebrow and decided to accept that little challenge. "We'll just see about that, shall we?"
He continued eating, but by the time he was down to the last dozen or so chips, he was feeling full. With a sigh of defeat, he shoved the parcel at Jack. "Don't you dare say a word."
Jack gave him a self-satisfied grin, then didn't waste any time with finishing off the remaining chips. "Mmm. Delicious."
Shaking his head, Ianto took a mouthful of water from his bottle. He reached into his jacket pocket, extracted several paper napkins and passed a couple of them to Jack. After using the rest to wipe his own hands and mouth, he busied himself with tidying up the detritus from their lunch.
"We should do this more often." Jack's tone was thoughtful. "Hang out together, I mean. Outside of the flat."
Ianto stopped and looked at him in surprise.
Jack shrugged, offering a wry smile. "I know we've had our differences and that things are kind of weird at the moment. But you're good company, Ianto. At least when you loosen up a little."
Ianto chose to ignore that last comment. It didn't take much insight to realise that Jack was probably quite lonely. He wasn't seeing anyone, and now that Owen and Rhys had their own busy lives, Jack was more or less on his own. He'd noticed that Jack didn't seem to spend as much time with his two best friends these days, although at least he still got to spend time with Rhys at work. As for himself, he had Tosh, but she also had her own busy life as well. Neither he or Jack had any family to speak off. Jack's mother lived in Scotland, his father had passed away several years ago, and his younger brother, Gray, lived somewhere in Canada. From what he could tell, Jack and his brother weren't close. In some ways, all he and Jack had at the moment was each other. It was a sobering thought. He could relate to loneliness, and the solitary nature of his work as a writer heightened that sense of isolation. For the most part he didn't mind, but as he looked back on his time alone after Lisa and then the time since Jack had burst into his life, he realised how much he'd grown to value Jack's presence, in spite of their differences. He wondered if the events of the night before had been fuelled not only by lust and sexual frustration, but also by loneliness.
"Jack, look... about last night..." he began, deciding that they couldn't avoid the subject any longer.
Jack quickly interjected. "You don't need to say anything, Ianto. I understand."
"What do you mean?" Ianto frowned in confusion.
Jack sighed and continued to look at him for a moment, appearing reluctant to continue. "I knew that last night would be a one-time thing. You're not interested in being involved with another man, I get that, and as for me, I don't know what the hell I want. The last time I got involved with someone, I ran for the hills as soon as it started getting serious." He paused and a sad smile passed over his lips. "We had an incredible night together, one I'm always going to remember. But I'm under no illusions here. So you don't need to worry about anything. Nothing has to change between us."
Ianto wasn't sure what he'd expected Jack to say, but it hadn't been that. "You, er... you don't regret it though, do you?"
As soon as the words had left his mouth, he realised it was a ridiculous thing to ask. But he didn't want Jack to think of their night together as a mistake. Not only because he'd been the one to initiate things by kissing Jack, but also because, regardless of his conflicted, confused feelings about it all, he couldn't bring himself to think of it as something unfortunate and regrettable. It had been an incredible night, just as Jack had said, and he wanted to remember it that way.
Jack shook his head. "No, not at all. Do you?"
"No," Ianto replied. "No, I don't."
An expression of relief passed over Jack's features. "Good. I'm glad."
They held each other's gaze, and Ianto didn't know what else to say. Then Jack stood up, clapping him on the shoulder. "We should make a move. There's a few other locations I want to shoot today while the light's still good."
Ianto nodded, collecting their things and rising to his feet. He knew that he should feel relieved, and a part of him did, but inexplicably he also felt a deep and unsettling sense of disappointment.
###
The next few weeks passed relatively peacefully. Apart from some occasional awkwardness, they settled back into their regular roles and routines, almost as if nothing had happened. Ianto returned to working on his book with renewed determination. He incorporated Jack's suggestions, along with several more, and Jack became a valuable sounding board and beta reader.
However, Ianto hadn't failed to notice that there were some subtle changes between them. Jack continued to be an unrepentant slob, but he seemed a little less insensitive, his trademark obnoxious behaviour toned down a notch or two. His mood seemed a bit more variable. Sometimes he could be a little distant and aloof, other times he was smiling and affectionate, treating Ianto almost like his new best friend.
Jack had even dragged him out on a clothes shopping expedition the previous weekend, claiming that he needed Ianto's discerning eye. Much like going to the supermarket, shopping for clothing with Jack had proven to be an utterly mortifying experience. Jack had tried on nearly every style of jeans in the store, constantly demanding to know if they made his butt look too big. On the plus side, Ianto hadn't gone home empty-handed. Jack had insisted he try on a pair of jeans that he'd declared would look amazing on him. They had looked good, but when Ianto had balked at the price-tag, Jack had waved away his protests and bought them for him.
The antagonism between them had lost its edge, and every now and then Ianto caught Jack watching him, an unreadable expression clouding his handsome face. Ianto found himself watching Jack sometimes as well, his thoughts never seeming to drift far from the night they'd shared.
In his weaker moments, Ianto continued to fantasise about Jack, his imagination conjuring up a seemingly endless variety of erotic scenarios and encounters. On more than one occasions when Jack wasn't home, he found himself at the other man's wardrobe and staring at the greatcoat he liked so much. He'd even slipped it on once, wrapping himself in the dark wool and foolishly trying to detect a hint of Jack's scent in the collar.
As the days passed, it seemed apparent that this thing between them was still simmering below the surface, a scant few hours of passion not being enough to purge it from their systems. He couldn't help wondering if it was only a matter of time before it once again overwhelmed him.
Then salvation came in an unlikely form. It was early Wednesday morning and he was heading out to pick up a few items from the supermarket and replenish their supply of coffee beans. Jack hadn't yet surfaced and as Ianto locked the door of the flat behind him, he turned to find Rose Tyler coming up the stairs, a bright smile lighting up her face as she spotted him. He smiled in return and they exchanged greetings.
Rose looked at him, her warm, brown eyes curious. "I've been meaning to catch up. I wanted to ask you how things are going with Jack?"
"Well, it's been a learning process," Ianto replied, rolling his eyes. "To say the least."
Rose laughed and tucked a wayward lock of her straight, shoulder-length blonde hair behind her ear. "I can imagine. I'm glad he moved in with you, I think it's been good for him. I know he can come across as a bit of a tosser, but he's a really nice bloke."
Ianto smiled and nodded. "Yeah... yeah, he is."
"Ianto, I was wondering..." Rose bit down on her lower lip, appearing nervous. "I know it might seem weird, but I wondered if you'd like to go out sometime?"
Ianto felt his eyebrows lift in surprise. "Do you mean on a date?" he asked uncertainly.
Rose nodded. "Yeah, a date."
Ianto grinned despite his astonishment. "Your mum didn't put you up to this, did she? That time I had dinner with her, I think she was trying to play matchmaker."
"Oh, God! I know." Rose gave a long-suffering sigh. "She never gives up. But I was thinking about it and we've both been single for a while now... just thought it might be fun. If it's too weird or you don't want to..."
Ianto shook his head. "No, I'd like to." He thought for a moment. "How about Friday night? I can meet you downstairs at say seven o'clock?"
"Okay, yeah. Brilliant." Rose's features relaxed into a warm smile. "I've got to go, but I'll see you Friday then."
Ianto smiled back. "Yep. See you then."
Rose dashed off, leaving Ianto staring after her. He'd surprised himself by his ready acceptance of her offer, but as he thought about it, he realised that it might be just what he needed. Rose was very attractive, quite beautiful in fact, and although he didn't know her very well, he liked her enthusiasm and friendliness. He was dating Lisa when he'd bought the flat and first met Rose, so he'd never thought about her as a potential romantic interest.
He needed to get his mind off the Jack situation, and going on a date with a desirable and vibrant young woman seemed like it might be the perfect solution.