Family Ties
Chapter 10: Memories and Nightmares
A/N: Sorry for taking so long to write this chapter. I wanted to move the storyline along and was hit by writer's block really hard. I plan this story to be around 16 or 17, maybe 18 chapters long, btw. Thanks for all the nice reviews, enjoy reading.
I'm in bed already when Richard comes home. He called soon after Lorelai left, telling me that he wouldn't make it to dinner. I'm wide awake however, pondering the consequences of my talk with Lorelai.
Richard's still in his coat when he steps into the bedroom, he always is when he returns home so late. I guess he wants to see his bed as fast as possible, and I like to think that he wants to see me as fast as possible. He looks tired.
"Hello Emily, sorry for being so late." He tells me when he bends down to kiss me hello.
"That's alright. Tired?" I ask him.
"You could say so. Floyd's been missing work for four days and now that he's back he schedules so many meetings that you would think he's been ill for four weeks. He's absolutely unnerving. During the last three hours nobody was talking but him." He got rid of his clothes and moved in and out the bathroom while he was talking, only stopping when brushing his teeth. He puts on his pj's and lies down beside me with an exhausted moan.
"My poor darling." I coo and move my hand to stroke his hair. He sighs and puts his head on my belly. His voice is muffled when he speaks.
"And how was your day?"
"Quite good, actually. I went to the doctor with Isabelle and she and I were thoroughly examined. Then I went to Stars Hollow..."
"What did the doctor say?" Richard interrupts me.
"Isabelle's and my health are just fine." I tell him. He turns his head to look me in the eye. I guess he wants to see if I tell him the truth or if I lie for not to worry him. I can't blame him, I know the feeling.
I smile. "Joshua threatened that he would tell you if I refused an examination. I told him I'm not scared of you but he insisted anyway."
"He better does." Richard says. I guess Joshua was right to be afraid of him.
"Yes and he even called to tell me the result of my blood samples tonight. He must have put an "urgent" sign on those." I chuckle.
"Well maybe he's afraid of you." He grins. "And your blood is healthy too?" He wants to reassure himself.
"Everything's fine, Richard." I assure him. He nods, content. I stroke his cheekbone with my fingertips.
"I talked with Lorelai today." I begin.
"Oh yes, you mentioned Stars Hollow. How are things going at the inn?"
"They're alright I guess. I didn't mean that kind of talked, Richard, I meant we really talked." I tell him.
"Oh." He just makes and takes his head of my stomach. "And?" He looks at me expectantly.
"Well, she wasn't in a very good mood when I arrived at the inn. I asked her for her opinion regarding me raising Isabelle alone and she really jumped on it, asking why I couldn't do it that way with her and if she was that much worse or unwanted."
"How dare she say..." Richard interrupts, just as I know he would at this point but I lay a finger over his mouth, quieting him. Then I tell him about what I said and how I left and how Lorelai sat on our doorstep in the rain. Then I move on to our talk in the living room and how we came to a sort of mutual understanding.
"I even told her how much she means to me. And when we were at the door, she hugged me."
"You embraced?" He asks. I nod. "That's good Emily, I'm happy for you." I can see he's moved but I also know how much he wants to be on better terms with Lorelai as well.
"You'll have that too." I promise him but he isn't convinced.
"I'm not so sure Emily. You and Lorelai were quite close when she grew up but she and I weren't ever that close. Granted I didn't fight as much with her as you did either but that is mainly because we don't have as many boiling points as you have. Sure we hugged and kissed when she was a child and I returned home and she sat on my lap when I had the time but honestly, I can't blame her when she tells me I didn't have enough time for her. I was away too many times, I brushed her off when I was home because work was always so prominent on my mind."
"You really tried..."I try to tell him but he interrupts.
"I didn't try hard enough." He concludes.
"She knows you made an effort, Richard, I'm sure of that." I tell him. „She loves you."
"And I love her. But I don't know how to tell her. I've never been good with words. I don't know how to express my feelings. You're the only person I've ever told how I feel. You've got that power, dear." He smiles and strokes my cheek.
"Well then, tell me." I request.
"I love you." Those are words we rarely speak but when he uses them, they send shivers down my spine.
"How much?" I playfully ask.
"More than words could say." He's moving closer to me.
"Show me then."
"Gladly." We kiss and he moves his hands under my nightgown, touching my bare skin. Then he begins to kiss my neck.
"I thought you were tired."
He looks at me. „I'm never too tired to love you, Emily." I look him in the eye. I can see he's exhausted from work, but there are a lot more emotions in his face. He's content that I'm healthy. He's happy for me because I finally made progress with our daughter but there is also sadness in his eyes, fear that he won't ever be able to show Lorelai how he feels. I know the feeling. It's etched in our guts ever since the moment we found that letter on the sideboard. I remember how we made love the first time after Lorelai left us all those years ago, how passionate we were, how desperate we clung to each other to feel loved, to give love. I remember how Richard made love to me when Lorelai told me we're done at our vow renewal; how he assured me that he at least would always be there. I realize that while he is totally exhausted and should probably sleep, he needs me now. He needs me to love him, to make love to him tonight, assuring him that I will always be there. I take his face in my hands and draw him to me.
"I love you Richard." I whisper in his ear with as much reverence as I can muster. Then I move my fingers to open his pajamas.
"Gilmore." I answer the phone.
"Emily, it's me." A familiar voice says.
"Hope, hello, how are you?" I'm happy to hear my little sister.
"I'm fine, but I'm sorry Emily I didn't call to talk, I wanted you to do me a favour."
"Oh, ok." I say, a bit disappointed. I look upstairs where Lorelai begins to cry, the telephone ring probably woke her up. "What is it?"
"It's Tom." My mood darkens immediately at my brother's name. When did I begin to despise him? I used to love him, there was a time when we inseparable. But then he left, I remind myself, I thought he loved me, I thought he was my family, and he left. Without telling me before.
"What's up with him?" I ask curtly.
"Nothing. That's the point. You know we talk from time to time. But I can't reach him. I tried for a whole week now. Mom is in Japan or in China or somewhere else in Asia, throwing our dead father's money out of the window. At first a maid would answer and tell me Thomas' not there, although I could clearly hear his voice but today, no one answered the phone. Can you imagine that Emily? In our house?"
"Maybe he just wants to cut you from his life, maybe he wanted to be alone today. I would have taken the chance if Mom had been away for once, too." I tell her, not particularly interested in worrying about my brother. I hear Lorelai's cries getting louder. I know she's hungry. I gave the nanny the afternoon off. I desperately wish for a phone which you can take with you. I heard someone's in the process of inventing one. Well, I'll be the first to buy it.
"No Emily, listen, he's really sorry that you and he aren't speaking. He wouldn't cut me off without a reason."
"You are just too good for this world, Hopie." I sigh. "Fine, what shall I do? As far as I know Georgina Hanson still lives in the neighborhood. I can ask her if she could go over to see if everything's alright." I offer.
"No, you have to go yourself." She pleads.
"No way." What kind of request is that?
"Come on. He'll open up once he sees that you are worried."
"Hopie I have a crying infant here, Richard's parents are coming over for dinner and I don't want to drive the whole way to New York just to see my whining brother complain about his latest exam or something like that. He can call Mom, I bet she'll come and comfort him gladly."
"I don't think they're on good terms anymore. Really, he sounded strange the last time we talked. I think he is very unhappy with his decision."
"He should have thought about that when he had the time. Listen Hope, I really have to take care of Lorelai now."
"You're by way the most stubborn person I know." She tells me and hangs up the phone.
And she is one of the most impulsive persons I know. She'll calm down sooner or later. The latest when Tom calls.
Still her pleading is nagging at me. I don't want to think about it, but when I go upstairs, feed my hungry daughter and the maid what to cook for dinner, her words are repeating over and over in my head. It is really curious that no one answered the phone in our house. Tom knows that Mom always controls the staff at home. If she called and no one answered, she would have a field day. The same goes for her learning that Tom gave them the day off.
I don't have the slightest idea why I'm doing it but half an hour later, I'm on the highway, Lorelai sleeping in her carrier on the backseats. I wrote a note to Richard, he will understand, his father will probably understand, his mother will definitely not understand but I can't seem to work up a good stand with her anyway.
When I arrive at the house it's already dark outside. The house is completely dark too, which is very strange. I take Lorelai's carrier and look for my key in my handbag. When I put into the lock and it still fits, I'm surprised for a moment that Mom did not have locks exchanged. I turn on the light in the entrance. Tom surely isn't home. Nevertheless, I put the carrier with the still sleeping Lorelai on the table and go to look upstairs. Suddenly, I hear a noise. I chide myself for coming here alone. Then I realize that it's the sound of water. I call out for my brother as I near myself the bathroom but there is no answer. I cautiously open the door which isn't locked and back away at the sight that greets me. Red.Water.Blood. I scream.
I suddenly jerk awake, sitting up in bed, not sure if I'm really screaming. I must at least have been loud because Richard wakes as well. Sweat is running down my forehead and neck. Cold sweat.
"Darling what is it?" Richard asks worriedly. He sits up as well and touches my forearm.
"Nightmare." I'm breathing heavily.
"Come here." He murmurs sleepily and takes me in his arms while we lay down again.
"Wait a minute." I tell him and make my way to our bathroom. I splash cold water onto my face. I see my hands are shaking, so livid is the memory, even after all those years. I'll never know how I managed to call the police, the ambulance and Richard and how I managed to talk to them that night. I remember my crying baby, me not being able to calm her down, crying myself, waiting till Richard finally came. He managed to calm both of us down, on a certain level at least and I don't know if I have ever been gladder about the fact that I married a man who stays extremely calm and rational in situations like those. I remember that even Richard's mother was trying to comfort me that night. I snort. I must have looked really devastated to evoke that reaction.
Richard knocks on the bathroom door. Then he cautiously peeks in. I smile weakly.
"Everything alright with you?" He asks.
I nod. "I'm fine. You know how it is with nightmares. You don't want to close your eyes afterwards, in case the pictures come back."
He steps in and walks to me. Then he puts his arms around me from behind. I see us together in the mirror. Our hair is disheveled and Richard hasn't put on his pajama top again after we made love before. Still I absent-mindedly notice that we look good together. And we feel good together. Body and Soul.
"It was THE dream wasn't it?" He asks me softly. I think about lying for a short moment but it wouldn't make any sense. So I nod.
"It's over." He only says.
"I know." I whisper. Still we both know that while I haven't ever been a very easy-going and carefree character, I lost my ability to be easy or carefree almost completely that night.
"He had his reasons to do it." Richard tells me.
"There isn't a reason to do this. There are always other ways." I say angrily. And there are. Still I thought about trying to kill myself when my baby left me. But that would have been stupid and selfish.
"You're right. There are." Richard softly pulls up my hair and puts a kiss on my neck. "Come to bed Emily. I'm here."
I nod again. But when I see our bed, I realize I'm not really tired now.
"Go to bed, darling, I look for Isabelle for a moment." I tell my husband and move to the nursery where I just watch the sleeping infant. Somehow she calms down like the sight of my own sleeping baby eventually did that night. When I finally come back to my bed, the sun is already fading in.
I enjoyed breakfast with Richard and Isabelle. We're growing more accustomed to her every day and she really has a sunny character. Now I ready myself to drive to Stars Hollow. Lorelai agreed to watch Isabelle while I have to run an important DAR meeting. I'm already in my coat when the doorbell rings. I open it, unnerved that the maid is slower than a turtle.
"Yes." I say and then my voice gets stuck in my throat at recognizing who is standing in front of me.
"Hello Emily." My big brother says.
Coming up (soon): Ghosts of the past