Guest: Thank you so much. I hope your friend is well and yourself, I can only imagine how hard it must've been on you both. Thank you very much for your review.

Casslourocks: Hopefully Cal will notice something is wrong soon. Thank you so much, your last sentence made me smile too. Thank you very much for your review.

Tanith Panic: Glad you think it's getting better. I love it when people notice the little details, it means a lot. And I did research, apparently stomachs do tend to become distended when someone is starving, I'm glad you noticed that. Glad you like the mix. Thank you for your review and loveliness.

CBloom2: Me neither, I think everyone has had some sort of issue in their lives over body image/weight/food etc, but Ethan really is having a rough time. Let's hope Cal does. Thank you for your review and kind words.

Tracys dream: I'm happy you think so, thank you for your review and kindness.

InfinityAndOne: The vomiting on purpose was foreseeable, agreed. He's in a bad mindset right now. I wasn't sure on the first person parts but I'm glad you like it. Ethan really is haunted by it, he's seeing it as something of a nightmare to eat. Cal is a little bit suspicious and you make a good point. Thank you so much for your review and kind words.

A/N: Sorry for the wait, kind of lost interest for a while. Some people are really awful on this site... but you lovely lot make it worth it!

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10th of February 2017

"Morning!"

Lily hardly looks up from her paperwork. "Morning, Ethan."

Ethan swallows nervously and rubs the back of his neck, standing as close as socially acceptable to her. It's extremely challenging to not feel like a pestering child when people take that tone.

"So, uh, how are you?" Ethan asks. "I haven't spoken to you much recently."

Lily places her paperwork down on the desk in admin and ponders this. "I believe I'm okay, thank you. I've been busy thinking about ways to advance my career - it keeps you up at night if you're unsure of what your future has in it."

Ethan nods in acknowledgement. Lily's favorite subject has always been her own career and ways she can further it, that's something that'll never change. "Right. Have you come to any conclusions?"

"Yes. I'm going to sit my consultancy exams as soon as possible and become a consultant. I've officially decided."

There's a pause as Ethan can't find words to formulate a response. He certainly wasn't expecting her to come out with that. "Wh… what, really?"

"Really," Lily says. "It makes sense, doesn't it? I've gotten to that point where I've realized that I'm an exceptional registrar and it makes so much sense to further my career. It'd be a travesty not to."

"Yes, certainly. I don't, uh, disagree with that. But, well, don't you feel as though it's a little soon? You haven't really been a registrar for very long."

Lily shakes her head in confidence. "No. It's not too soon at all. In fact, I'm off to speak to Connie about it right now."

"Oh."

"I've also got a paper to write for Henrik Hanssen upstairs. It's just about decoding medical lingo - it'll be used as an example piece for students."

"Why?" Ethan asks, hoping he isn't sounding nosey. "It's a little unfair to ask you to do extra work which isn't necessary-"

"I asked to do it. Admittedly, I probably shouldn't have - now I'm rushed off my feet and I have no time."

"Ah," Ethan shifts his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably, unable to think of what to say in condolences. "Right."

"Anyway. I'd better go and see Mrs Beauchamp," Lily says, looking at him. Ethan gathers that this means he should go away.

He ignores the hint shamefully. "I'll just walk you there, then," She doesn't look too pleased but doesn't protest. Ethan follows her as she walks to Connie's office. He doesn't want her to go - he doesn't want to be lonely. "Can we, uh, do something later? If you're free?"

Lily's brow creases in confusion. "Like what?"

Ethan feels his skin go all hot. He had expected her to downright refuse him, but she hasn't gotten to that point yet. Damnit, he hadn't thought this far. "Well. Uh. You know, I… I can start writing the paper for you! We could, well, do it together?"

This seems to be a good idea as Lily stops and looks at him in interest. "Really?"

Ethan leaps at the chance. "Yeah, really!" If this is the only way he can get her to pay attention to him, then so be it. "I mean, I could write bullet points and get it started… saving you some time, perhaps, as you talk to Connie. Then, you can do the rest yourself or we can do it together."

"Yes. That'd be fantastic, actually. Can you write the bullet points and everything so it's done by lunchtime?"

Ethan nods eagerly. "Of course. By lunchtime sounds good."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

After drinking an entire bottle of water for lunch and nothing else, Ethan is hit by excruciating hunger pains accompanied by sickness. They feel like little bolts of lightning as soon as he moves and the sickness comes and goes. It's sort of like the tide. But the tide never goes, it comes again and again, so it seems as though this sickness never will either.

There's a clearing of a throat behind him. "Have you done it yet?"

Ethan supposes that saying 'hello' to start a conversation is obviously rare by now, as nobody seems to say it, and turns to see Lily.

"Uh, yeah, of course," Ethan says through gritted teeth. "It's in my locker. You can go there if you want, I'll follow you and get it out."

Lily does so. He follows her with the insistent fear that he'll keel over in pain or the nausea will get too much - but, fortunately, it doesn't.

They make it to the staff room without any accidents. Ethan gets the paper out and passes it to her, which she reads intently. Whilst she's busy, Ethan finds himself some painkillers and pours himself some water.

"Fantastic," Lily says as Ethan sits down. She doesn't notice the painkiller disappearing into his water or his paleness. "Thank you for that."

Ethan manages a smile. "It's my pleasure."

"I'd better get on, but I'll finish it later," Lily folds it up and puts it into her pocket. Ethan cringes at the crease marks in his carefully printed paper but tries not to. "Oh. Also, do you mind me asking an opinion?"

"Not at all."

"Alright, thank you. So, a mother, 36, is suffering from depression. Her notes confirm this - she was diagnosed a few years ago. That's a bit of background for you. But for her current medical condition, she's been hospitalised with a simple burn on her wrist."

Ethan listens keenly. "Right."

"But that's not the problem. The problem is that she's extremely malnourished. I believe that she's starving herself," Lily pauses as Ethan's heart hammers, unknown to her. This sounds a little too close to home. "As you know, starving oneself is a form of self harm. And self harm isn't uncommon with those with depression."

Ethan bites back an 'I know' response and nods for her to continue.

"She has three children - two girls, one boy. She adores them," Lily sighs heavily. "But I can't help but feel as though she's an unfit mother. I'm in two minds whether or not to call social services."

Ethan forgets his pain, his nausea and his manners. "What? No, Lily, no. Are you sure that she has stopped eating?"

"Positive."

"You can't technically be sure unless she confirms this, though. Besides, people with depression don't always self harm and vice versa. Lily, you know this. Perhaps she just doesn't feel like eating."

Lily shrugs. "Well, she's very shifty around when we ask if she's been eating enough. It's as though she's guilty. Red flags, Ethan."

Ethan swallows hard. "We can get her to talk to a psychiatrist? I think it's jumping the gun a little, calling social services."

"My point still stands. If she's self-harming by refusing to eat, she could be dangerous to her children. She may deny them of food too."

Ethan looks at Lily with his mouth agape. Unbelievable. He can't speak for a few moments, dumbfounded. Then he does, his words laced with shameful bitterness. "Have you seen her children?"

Lily nods. "Yes."

"Did they look malnourished? Starving? Unhealthy?"

There's a brief pause. "Well, no."

"Well, you said yourself that she adores her children," Ethan says. "Why would you possibly think that she'd hurt them? Not only is that-"

Lily cuts him off. "Ethan, you need to stop being so defensive," She sighs deeply and frustratedly. "I asked for an opinion, not a debate. I don't understand what's up with you. If we can't be adults about this, I'll ask someone who will be."

"No, no. I'm… I'm sorry," Ethan says quickly. "I shouldn't have snapped. Should I, uh, speak to her? I could help."

"No. I think you've done enough." Lily replies.

"I could-"

"As helpful as you're being today, it's borderline irritating and patronizing," Lily finally spits out. The words feel like a kick in the gut. "I am a perfectly capable doctor."

"I...I know," Ethan nods, looking at the floor. Oh, fuck, I've messed this one up. "I just wanted to help."

Lily looks at him questioningly. "Or you wanted for me to look incompetent, leeching off of you, so I'd lose all hope in sitting the exams? Am I close?"

"No!" Ethan stands up as she does, following after her as she struts off out of the staff room. "Lily, please, I didn't mean to be like that. I just wanted to help."

"You just wanted to make me seem inadequate."

Ethan swallows, nothing short of terrified. He's going to lose his friend of three years if he isn't careful. That was never his intention! "I… no, that's not… I just, I just wanted to help. It… it, well, I was trying to help."

"Well, you did the opposite thing," Lily snaps. Her sharp voice attracts a fair amount of attention from any bystanders, but it also fortunately scares them off too."I will become a consultant even when you don't. You're clearly pre-occupied."

"How… how do you mean?"

Lily gives him a look, her brown eyes slanted and her neat eyebrows knitted together. "It doesn't take an idiot, Ethan."

"What?"

Lily sighs and shakes her head. "You know what? Nevermind."

Ethan clasps his hands together anxiously and follows her in desperation. "No, please, let's not leave it at that. I'm not preoccupied. And you looked stressed so I thought I'd take some weight off your shoulders. There is no other motive there! I'm just… trying to help a friend."

"If you were my friend, you'd know not to take pity on me." Lily rests her hands on the desk of admin, curling and uncurling her fingers in frustration. "Perhaps it's best if we're not even friends anymore, clearly, you don't support me."

"Let's not jump the gun, that's a bit-"

Lily cuts him off furiously. "Stop it! Look, just leave it. Go and starve yourself or something, as that's all you seem to want to do!"

Admin immediately hushes. She had said it quietly and sharply enough, but the words had reached Ethan's ears and stabbed him. His heart and stomach drop. The Lily he knows would never say that, but she has changed so much now.

How does she know?

Lily looks at Ethan in complete shock. She closes her mouth which had been agape and quickly shakes her head. If only sentences were receipts - then you could take them back.

"No, I… I didn't mean…" Lily says eventually and sighs regretfully. "I didn't mean that."

His eyes are filling with tears before he can stop it. A harsh undertone creeps into his words, making him hate himself even more. "You've got this so wrong, Lily. But you're right about one thing. Maybe we shouldn't even bother being friends." I need to shut the fuck up.

Lily shakes her head wordlessly with glossy eyes. She can't say anything and neither does he.

Eventually, with his head bowed, he manages to whisper a very soft apology. "I'm sorry, okay? Let's just quit while we're ahead. It's not that big of a problem. We can't ruin three or more years because of this. Please?" I can't lose you.

Lily shakes her head. "It doesn't it matter, Ethan. We're not friends anymore, remember?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It's evening time when Ethan finally gathers his remaining scraps of courage to ask. Cal is in the kitchen with his phone in his hand as Ethan approaches him.

"Cal?" Ethan says. Cal looks up briefly, but then looks down again. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Cal switches his phone off hesitantly. "Sounds ominous."

"It's… it's not, really."

"Hmmm. Yeah, okay, go on then. I've got a few minutes until Mollie's ready to go."

Ethan's forehead creases. "Go where?"

"Just on a date. Thought I'd treat her at a nice restaurant or something."

Of course. Of bloody course Cal is going out on a day when Ethan can't stand to be alone.

No, shut up! Ethan mentally berates himself. Stop being so selfish. Cal deserves to go out and have a fantastic time with Mollie. Ethan wishes he could smack himself over the head.

"Ah, right. Sounds… good."

"Yeah, it will be," Cal smiles, seemingly unaware of the mental beating Ethan is giving himself inside his head. "You'll have to make yourself dinner."

"I always cook anyway." Regardless of whether or not I eat it, I always make it.

Cal shrugs. "No problems then. You'd better get busy, nibbles."

Ethan nods without a word. Quietly, he pulls out a pack of potatoes and begins skinning them. Sausages and mash will do, Ethan thinks. He hates that meal - as does he with every meal - but, regardless, he won't be eating it. Ethan pulls out the sharpest knife in the drawer and slices potatoes, dropping them into a saucepan wordlessly. Cal watches.

They don't say anything for a while. Perhaps the silence is borderline awkward, but Ethan sinks back into his thoughts for such a long time that he doesn't notice. All he can think about is Lily's face, twisted in frustration, and shivers. Nobody seems to want to stay - even Cal is vacating the flat with his perfect girlfriend.

God, Ethan needs to talk. He knows he does. This burden that he's created is resting in his chest and speaking will lift it. Cal's here - he'll listen, won't he?

"Do… do you mind if I talk to you about something?"

"Sure, yeah." Cal sounds bored. When Ethan looks, it's because he's now on his phone. Perhaps this was a bad idea.

"It's not a big deal, I just-"

"Spit it out, nibbles."

"Okay," Ethan focuses his eyes on his hands. "It's just Lily. We...well, there was a lot of drama this morning. I was speaking to her and she said that she wants to sit her consultancy exams-"

"Hold up. Seriously? She's a little too inexperienced."

"Yeah, that's what I tried to say! She just insisted that Connie would allow her and I suppose she might do. Then I offered to do something for her, so I did. She asked for my opinion on a patient so I said yes and then we ended up having a row over it Now I just don't know what to do."

Cal sighs a little and ponders over this. "Tricky. Well, maybe it's worth letting it blow over. It will do. I've fought with Lily so many times I've lost count, and each time we reconciled. The same will happen with you guys."

"So I just leave it then?" Ethan says, turning his head away from his task and looking at Cal. He chops potatoes simultaneously, dumping them into the pan messily. "I can't, Cal."

"Yeah, you can. Just wait it out. She'll come back begging for forgiveness, and if not then I'm sure you will!" Cal laughs. "Honestly, Ethan, you think far too much."

Ethan bites his mouth and decides against any bitter remarks of 'you think too little'. That's unfair. And besides, Cal is trying to help in his own funny way. "Fine. But it'll be awkward tomorrow."

"You should be used to awkwardness by now, Ethan, you're the king of it."

"No, I'm not!"

Cal chuckles. "You so are. King of awkwardness, king of making a fuss out of nothing, king of… chopping too many potatoes," Cal smiles cheekily and, out of force of habit, reverts to teasing mode and says: "King of eating all the doughnuts."

What?

Ethan feels first a sharp pain go through his heart - and then his finger.

Oh. He remembers. A day ago, Mollie had given Ethan a doughnut because she'd 'bought far too much'. Ethan had nibbled at the edge of it, living up to his nickname, and then she'd given him another. He 'ate' it in his room, but his bin had gotten more full than his stomach. That day, Cal thought that Ethan had eaten that sugary shit.

And he had. Ethan had eaten a few bites. Absolutely disgusting. Maybe he should've put his fingers down his throat again, that might have worked! But he didn't.

That's it. He's not eating today or tomorrow.

"Ethan!"

His thoughts snap away as he realizes that Cal is shaking his shoulders and swearing.

"For… Look, you've just gone and peeled your finger! That's really deep, Eth. Why weren't you watching what you were doing, you complete idiot?"

The pain is overpowering. Ethan realizes how furiously he'd been peeling those potatoes and now his finger was feeling the consequences. He can't do anything right, can he?

But somehow, this pain is wonderfully distracting. Cal gives Ethan some tissue to soak up the blood and says something about a plaster, holding his arm up. The words go over his head. Ethan's always hated pain, but this is a different type. It feels different. He might even say he likes it.

"Are you even listening to me?" Cal demands. Ethan suddenly realizes how long he's been relishing in the pain of his cut finger and shakes his head. "Hey, I was messing around! Ethan, mate, it was a joke."

Ethan swallows and looks at the ground. "I know."

Clearly, Cal hadn't heard what Lily had said earlier about him starving himself. Turns out, nobody had. Thank fuck for that, he supposes.

"Then stop taking it so hard," Cal says and drops Ethan's arm. Ethan's eyes water as Cal's face stiffens. "You used to be able to take a joke. It's fun, actually! Go on. You try. Tell me I eat too much. Tell me I'm fat, go on. You have a go!"

Ethan shakes his head, refusing to look at Cal. "I'm not going to."

"Of course you're not. Because… well, because there's something up and you can't take a joke. I'm just not going to bother," Cal says, holding his hands up. "I'm tired of this."

Mollie comes out from the bedroom a few seconds later, all dolled up. "Cal, are you ready to- What's happened?"

"Nothing. Let's go then, Mollie."

She nods hesitantly, walking over to them. Mollie gives Ethan a searching look, and Cal, but says nothing. After giving Ethan a quick kiss on the forehead, as she tends to, both her and Cal leave.

The door shuts behind them, and not particularly softly. Cal's clearly more stressed by the frequent arguments and drama than he lets on.

Ethan stands in silence. The water in the pan is overflowing but he doesn't care enough to turn the heat down.

For fucks sake. Nothing goes right nowadays, does it?

His phone dings - thrice. Ethan's heart skips a beat, wondering if it's Cal already. No, it can't be, his car hasn't even started yet.

He looks at the message sender - it's Lily.

Lily: Hello, Ethan. I understand that you probably dislike me right now and you have every right to. But I was wondering - do you mind lending me some books? Connie said I can take the exam. Thanks in advance.

Lily: Oh, I hope you are okay by the way.

Lily: Please reply soon, I need to get studying! :D Very excited. I am sure Connie will let you take the exam too!

Ethan blinks at his phone. He closes out of the messages, and then he goes back in to read it again. And again. He re-reads them so many times he loses count.

And then he bursts into tears.

In all his life, he has never felt so used, so hurt, and such a pushover by someone he considered a friend. And after an argument with his brother, who he loves so fucking much?

In his fury of tears, it makes him hate both her, Cal and himself.