March 3, 2011
Thanks for reading this! The corresponding chapter of the public domain Don Quixote translation that I'm using is at {www. online-literature. com/ cervantes/ don_quixote/ 14/} (cut and paste inside the {funky brackets}, and remove the spaces to get the correct web address).

Chillin' with Dan and Kildare

Kildare gingerly stepped around the punks from whom he had pilfered the wristwatch. He set his heart and mind upon kickbacks – the kind that would be rewarded to him for being Dan's sidekick. These thoughts occupied him as he endured watching Dan's rather flirtatious goings-on.

After the gratuitous interaction between Dan and the woman was concluded, Kildare hustled over to upright Dan's toppled bike, Roc. Then he held up a high-five hand and Dan obliged.

"So, Dan," Kildare purred, "since you finished off the business with Dad's swirlish kill-o-rama, how 'bout those kickbacks?"

Dan picked something out of his teeth with his pinky fingernail. "Kildare, Kildare, Kildare," he began at last, "This kind of quest isn't a kickback kind of thing. It's an encounter kind of thing. The only rewards we'll get from a quest like this is a broken heart or a lost watch." Dan eyed the contraband property that Kildare had seized. Kildare lowered his head. He waited for Dan to go on but an awkward silence yawned between them. When Kildare could no longer stand the interminable nothingness, he raised his eyes into Dan's steely gaze, which latched on to him magnetically. "You'll see, Kildare. We'll eventually have an encounter that earns you kickbacks or something better."

Kildare pushed Dan's shoulder. Dan regained his balance and shoved Kildare. Back and forth the shoves were traded, getting rougher yet friendlier as they progressed. Just as quickly as the roughhousing had started, Dan turned to Rok and rode away. Kildare totted to his trike to ride after Dan, but he had a hard time keeping up.

Huffing and puffing, Kildare finally admitted with a hoarse shout, "I can't keep up!" Dan slowed down enough for Kildare to trail behind him. Wheezing, Kildare warned, "When Dad finds out we messed with his Consortium, we'll be toast."

Dan rode along, head high in the air. He took in a deep breath of city air and exhaled with an almost audible "ahhhhhhh." Then he said, "Your dad loves alien killers. Since when does he care how the killing game is played? A kill is a kill, fair and square. Besides, the lovely lady we just left back at the café is your dad's star performer. We're covered."

"I don't know much about my dad's star performers," Kildare said with a forlorn tone of voice.

Dan stopped and straddled his bike, waiting for Kildare to pull up along side of him. "If you did know her, you'd realize that there's nothing to worry about. But I could certainly arrange for you to know certain star performers, if you know my meaning."

Kildare's face briefly color coordinated with the scarlet-hued sun. Dan quickly changed the subject, out of the kindness of his heart. "I'm the best damn alien hunter you'll ever meet. I have all the right moves. Wouldn't you agree?"

Kildare coughed. "Hunter? I thought you were an alien killer."

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other," Dan declared.

"I'm thinkin' you need your head checked," Kildare muttered. "There's a big difference between hunter and killer."

"My head? Fixed?" Dan laughed. "Even if that were the case, or even if my whole body were torn into bits and the whole of it needed to be fixed, I'd just use a badass longcoat like Jack Frost."

"Never heard of him. Besides, what's so badass about a long coat?"

"I ought to qualify that Jack Frost is technically manhwa, not manga. But on to your question. Jack's coat is affectionately known as the Devil Thread. It will regenerate the wearer and even sew itself up if it ever becomes torn. While perpetually tattered in appearance, the coat itself has a sentient presence which can help to defeat an enemy."

"Woah," Kildare whispered, his eyes trained on Dan's stoic face.

"When I battle with a formidable alien, who knows if I will be cut right down the middle, left and right sides split in two like a pineapple standing on a chopping block. Don't panic. Just thread my right arm through the right sleeve and my left arm through the left sleeve of the coat. Tah daaah! I'll be in one piece again"

Kildare straightened his spine. "Hey, I'd barter for that in place of any and all kickbacks. I bet I could get 20,000 yen or more for a coat like that. But can they even be made without selling our souls to the devil?"

Dan grinned. "It would be a snap to make 60 coats for less than 30,000 yen."

Kildare's eyes glassed over. "Must ... make ... long ... coats ... pause for effect ... nao!"

"Sure thing, Kildare. I just want you to know that the Devil Thread is nothing compared what else I'm gonna teach you. But right now I sure could use some plain old brain food. I've got a low-blood-sugar headache the size of Jupiter."

Kildare searched in his pack. He handed Dan a pack of electrolyte sports goo in a foil packet. Just as Dan squeezed the last remaining blobs of bright blue gel into his mouth, he felt for his hat. Finding that he was not wearing it, he jumped off his bike. Turning about, he grumbled, "My cap! My Chunichi Dragons baseball cap!"

Kildare squinted his eyes, looking just to the left of Dan's head. Then he looked in Dan's eyes and said, "I don't think you wore it …"

Dan interrupted, "All the good times I've had with that hat. Learning new alien hunter skills. Traveling through the space-time continuum. Eating ice cream … just like Naruto and Jiraiya." Dan heaved a sigh. "I wanted to wear that hat when I did more than just screw up. I wanted the hat to be with me when I defeated The Prayer."

Kildare shoved his hands in his pockets. "The hat will always be with you, Dan." He tried his best not to sound like a sappy character in a manga.

Dan lifted his head and looked at Kildare. "I suppose you are right. But I commit my new mission to stealing a better hat from an unsuspecting alien. I liked the way that Kogarashi [in Kamen No Maid Guy] stole the panties right off all of the girls at his school and no one noticed."

Kildare folded his hands over the zipper of his jeans and looked at a fascinating splotch of white paint splattered on the dusty gray wall of a building. "What happens if we don't meet any aliens with hats?"

"No aliens? Kildare, it won't be two hours before we see on this street more pirates than searched for Gold Roger's One Piece."

"First aliens, now pirates," Kildare muttered. He grimaced and dug the tip of his canvas shoe into a crack in the pavement. "It sure is taking a long time to get my kickbacks."

Dan blew the long bangs out of his face. "I told you to stop worrying about that. Look, if we don't find suitable kickbacks for you, we could always give you Tokyo Tower, or Tokyo Sky Tree, for that matter. It will be the landmark of your life, suiting you like your CDG2 MAN Eau de Toilette. Just think … you'll never have to go to see anyone because everyone will be coming to see you!" Dan flashed a reassuring grin back at Kildare, who responded by slumping his shoulders forward and refusing to look up.

"Maybe we can find another café. I'm kinda hungry even though I have some indigestion lingering on from this afternoon."

Kildare took off his backpack. "I have some shōchū and onigiri in here. But you wouldn't like it, anyway."

"How would you know what I like? I have trained myself to be an elite alien hunter. I could go without food or drink for a month. It is the glory of the alien hunter to do without. I am happy with anything that happens to come my way by luck or diligence alike. As such, I am perfectly suited to the aperitif of vagrants and a simple hors d'oeuvre like rice with seaweed wrap or even crispy rice crackers. So you have no need to concern yourself with my likes and dislikes, Kildare."

"Oh," Kildare shrugged. "Okay. I'll keep cheap wine and rice crackers in my pack for you. For myself, I prefer DoubleShots and an pan – the kind with red bean paste filling, not useless hamburger buns."

Dan stared ahead. "Kid … can I call you that? It rolls off my tongue more easily than 'Kildare.'"

"Sure."

Still staring ahead, Dan continued, "Okay, Kid. I'm not saying that I will only eat like a vagrant. I'm just saying that such discipline of doing without is a necessity in my line of work. I must know how to make a full meal out of discarded food that others would not touch."

Kildare nodded. "I suppose it's a good skill. No one can predict when it might come in handy." He pulled a bottle of shōchū out of his pack, took a swig, and handed it to Dan.

They relieved some of the grumbling in their stomachs and then rode on. Kildare had hoped to find a youth hostel but Dan insisted on sleeping on park benches like the other men in the nearest park.

They settled onto two side-by-side benches, laying head to head. Kildare shivered in the cool air. Dan sighed, "This magnificent universe is my home. Each star above connects me to my destiny. And I will shine on, a fearless hunter and doer of good."