A/N: Sorry it's been a while. Sleepers, Awake continues to eat my brain. Here is some nice crackfic for you though. Enjoy. There will be two more installments of The Twitrix, followed by a special one-shot won by Team Flippy-Floppies for the Support Stacie auction. Stay tuned!

Thanks to Becca Graymoor for … well, I can't say, but it's in this chapter.

Follow me on Twitter: feistyybeden. Rock on.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer never would have wanted this to happen. Nor would the Wachowski brothers.

The Twitrix

Part the Fourth: He Knows Kung-Fu

Wardo tosses and turns in his narrow Nebuchadmeyer bunk. Damn, he sort of misses the Twitrix. At least there he had memory foam. Who knew memory foam was an invention of these dastardly machines? He gives up and hops out of bed. Renesmee gives a little frustrated, "Hmph!" noise—it had been having a nice dream about card sharking and a nice hot stone massage from a posh spa in L.A.

Wardo says, "Damn, this real world gruel! It makes me so gassy. I'm never going to get hot—well, burlap-clad—tail with these kinds of digestive issues." He stretches languidly, revealing a muscular bit of flesh between his burlap wifebeater and his burlap yoga pants. There's a little trail, perhaps one could even call it "happy," leading from his perfect little navel right down to his kielbasa. [Cue fangirl squeeing.]

There is pounding on the door. "What up?" says Wardo. "I'm already awake."

It's Tankett. "Did you sleep?" he asks, filling the entire doorframe with his manly bulk. Oh yeah, I said "manly bulk."

"Not so much," says Wardo. "I miss my eggcrate and my memory foam and my Mister Snugglepuss, uh, I mean my killer nunchucks. Can't sleep without my … killer nunchucks in the bed with me. To ward off, the, you know, bad guys. Evil ninjas and stuff."

"Well, you will tonight. I guarantee it. Training is the best sleep aid ever. Aside from, you know, pounding hole."

"I'm sorry, you aren't my type," says Wardo, looking Tankett over warily. "But—you don't have any hole to pound anyway! What gives? Not even a USB drive?"

Tankett looks at Wardo and shakes his head a little, muttering, "We are fucked," under his breath. "Bro, I wasn't born in the Twitrix. I was born the old fashioned way, right here in the real world."

"Ooh, which season?" asks Wardo. "My favorite is the one with Puck."

Tankett grits his teeth. "Uh, I meant, like, here and not in the Twitrix."

"You were born in this room? Ewwww!" says Wardo, hopping from foot to foot as if he were avoiding a sea of placenta and amniotic fluid.

"No, dumbfuck, I meant I was born in Zion, the last human city remaining on earth."

Wardo nods knowingly. "That season with the British dude who got a pig heart for Valentine's Day was pretty cool too."

"Oookay then," says Tankett, trying to change the subject. "I gotta say that I'm pretty excited about today, that is, if Carlpheus is right. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but, you know, just between you and me …"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," says Wardo, hopping up and down excitedly. "You mean …?"

"Yes," says Tankett.

"OH MY GOD BO BICE IS GOING TO BE HERE? I knew Carlpheus wouldn't let me down!"

Have you ever heard a big, burly dude slap himself on the forehead with his meaty palm? It's not a pretty sound. It's sort of like old fashioned ladies beating laundry on rocks in a stream.

"Follow me, Wardo," says Tankett, unable to look him in the eye. "It's time to start training."

"Bo Bice! Fuck yeah!"

Wardo is back in his Barcalounger, all hooked up to his wires and stuff.

Tankett fiddles with the controls. "We're supposed to load in all these fucking Microsoft security patches first, but that's boring as shit, so let's put in something fun."

Wardo looks nervous. "Dude, I told you, I don't swing that way."

"Eh, fuck this. Fine. We'll start with the security patches and the firewall, and a Javascript update. Happy now?"

"Can you put in Minesweeper? I like Minesweeper."

"Yes."

"Awesome!"

"You're going to require a reboot after the update loads."

"Nothing is going in my boot, guy."

"Oh my fucking god, I am not trying to get into your anus, okay, buttmunch?" Tankett finds a stuffed cat doll and punches it in the face.

"Is that my sweet Mister Snugglepuss? Noooooooo!" screams Wardo, but a second later he is quiet as his body hums and whirrs, downloading the Windows security patches and a new version of Internet Explorer that no one will ever, ever use.

Wardo's body shudders and flops around in the chair, and he's muttering something about mines and the obvious 1-2-1 pattern.

"Wardo? How you doing there?" asks Tankett, as Wardo slowly opens his eyes.

"I think that cleared up my syphilis!"

"Uhhh …" says Tankett, coughing uncomfortably. "Okay, now we'll load in the fun stuff. Here's a nice martial arts disk. Also, I thought you'd like this vintage Hunt the Wumpus."

"That game is scary," says Wardo, shivering.

"Okay, no Hunt the Wumpus. But I'll load you up with some cool fighting skills."

Wardo twitches in the chair again as the program loads in.

"How was that?" asks Tankett.

"Whoa," says Wardo.

Some hours later, Carlpheus walks in. "How's my boy doing?"

Tankett says, "Ten hours straight. He's a machine. That, or his processor speed is kind of slow. I mean, SCSI cable? Seriously? It's like he's running on a Pentium Negative 7."

Wardo opens his eyes and sees Carlpheus gazing at him all avuncular-like. I just wanted to use the word "avuncular."

"Wardo? And how goes it?"

"I know kung-fu," he says blankly. He stares at Carlpheus for a second and says, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know, like, benevolently in an uncle-like fashion?"

"I am not … okay I am a little. You want to try out those kung-fu skills, little boy?"

A/N: OMG I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING BUT I AM TOTES NOT GOING TO WRITE CARLPHEUS/WARDO SLASH BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ICKY.

kA/Nye: HEY A/N I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT GUNS N' ROSES HAD THE BEST SLASH OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME!

A/N: [stunned silence]

"Is Bo Bice going to be there?" asks Wardo, punching his fists in the air.

"Um. Sure." Carlpheus hangs his head sadly.

Carlpheus and Wardo are hooked in their Barcaloungers into a cool dojo space. "This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Twitrix. Consider this your first lesson."

Wardo looks around. "But where is Bo Bice?"

Carlpheus shouts, "Tankett? Can you just load in Bo Bice into this thing so he'll shut the fuck up?"

Tankett's fingers fly furiously over the keys as he finds a Bo Bice simulator on the … hard drive … or something. Shit, I don't know jack about computer stuff. This is why I don't write sci-fi or have a high-paying job.

Bo Bice materializes before Wardo. Wardo falls to his knees. "Bo! Bo Bice! It … it is an honor."

Bo Bice just blinks.

"Do you know kung-fu, Bo Bice?"

Carlpheus yells up, "Tankett! Load in some kung-fu for the Bo Bice simulation."

Clickety clackety, there goes Tankett.

"Yes, Wardo. Yes I do know kung-fu," says Bo Bice mechanically.

"Ohmigod, what are the chances? You, me, here in this dojo, both knowing kung-fu? I … I don't want to sound weird or anything, but I kind of have a little Bo Bice going on in my pants right now, but without your lustrous locks of hair."

"O … kay …" says Bo Bice. He turns to Carlpheus. "Dude. I know I'm just a simulation, but this is seriously creeping my shit out."

"Ignore him," says Carlpheus.

"Are we going to fight now? Huh? Are we? Are we?" asks Wardo, bouncing around. "Oh my god, can you hear that? My balls are clanging together against my mini-Bo Bice, and it sounds like windchimes!"

"Uhhhhhhh," say both Carlpheus and Bo Bice.

"Ahem," Carlpheus. "Wardo. Now, please. Attack me."

Wardo runs for Carlpheus and kicks him in the shin.

"Motherfucking ow!" says Carlpheus. "You're supposed to be showing me your kung-fu, not fighting like a twelve-year-old girl."

"I know kung-fu?" asks Wardo, scrunching up his face.

"YOU JUST SAID YOU DID FIVE MINUTES AGO."

"I did?"

Carlpheus kneads his forehead. "Look. Bo Bice knows kung-fu. Don't you want to try out your kung-fu on Bo Bice?"

"Sweet! Bo Bice is here?"

Carlpheus limps to the side and has a seat, massaging his shin. He watches Bo Bice and Wardo go at it, kung-fu-American-Idol style. By that I mean that they fight, and when the camera goes in for a close-up, they totally eyefuck the television audience. Except, in this case, it's Tankett and Jaspoc, looking on in horror.

"I can't believe Carlpheus thinks he's the Or-Wad," says Jaspoc.

"I know, bro, I know," says Tankett, patting Jaspoc on the shoulder in a manly way. Very manly.

kA/Nye: GUNS N' ROSES! BEST SLASH OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!

In the dojo, Carlpheus says, "Okay, I guess we're … done … here," as Wardo and Bo Bice start singing Elton John songs, their kung-fu totally forgotten. "Tankett! Load in the jump program."

"Jumping! That's when my balls sound like windchimes!" says Wardo, clapping his hands delightedly.

"Um. Yes."

The jump program loads. The two seem to stand on top of a tall building in a windy city. "Hey, where did Bo Bice go?" asks Wardo petulantly.

"Bo Bice had to go back to his … uh, he had to meet with the judges."

Wardo pouts.

"You're upset, aren't you, Wardo?"

"Well, yeah! Bo Bice is the shit!"

"You're going to empty yourself of that emotion. You must empty yourself to free your mind."

Wardo looks at him and then stares at his hands. "I have cuticles," he says.

Carlpheus replies, "Uh, yeah. I guess your mind is free enough. Okay, watch me." He takes a running start and leaps off the top of the building and lands easily on the rooftop across the street. "Now you," he says, still rubbing his shin where the little fucker kicked him.

Back in the control room, Tankett and Jaspoc watch the happenings on the monitor. "Think he'll make it?" asks Tankett.

Jaspoc says, "No one ever makes it the first time. Then again, his mind seems … you know … pretty free."

Bellity has come into the room. "You can do it, Wardo. I believe in you," she whispers to herself.

Wardo looks down the ledge and gulps. He backs up a few steps and makes a running leap, just as Carlpheus did moments before. It looks like he's going to make it, until he says, "Hey, seriously, where is Bo Bice?" He plummets to the ground. He sinks into the street and bounces back up. Carlpheus meets him at the bottom.

"Everyone falls the first time," says Carlpheus. "If you never know failure, how can you know success?"

The two reawaken in the Barcaloungers. Wardo spits blood into his hand. "Wait, I thought it wasn't real. What happens if I die in the Twitrix?"

"The body cannot live without the mind," says Carlpheus solemnly.

Jaspoc whispers to Tankett, "Then how is this guy even walking around?" The two of them snicker. Carlpheus stares daggers at them.

***

It's nighttime. The ship is dark and quiet. Wardo can't sleep. He's still looking for Bo Bice. He stumbles into the control room and is surprised to find James there.

"Have you seen Bo Bice?" he asks.

James jumps about three feet into the air. "Hey, guy, I didn't see you there. Want a drink?" He offers Wardo a big jug of … something. Wardo takes a sip and sputters. "Yeah, Jaspoc brews that shit. I think it's nail polish remover."

Wardo coughs some more.

"Listen, kid. Carlpheus thinks you're the Or-Wad. But he's been wrong before. So, a piece of advice—just because he tells you that you can jump out of a window, don't do it, okay, buddy?"

Wardo nods and heads back to bed.

***

We're in a fancy ass restaurant, and Just-James sits with Agents Marcus, Caius, and Aro. Just-James is tearing the shit out of a rare piece of steak. "Let me tell you, this real world stuff? Is bullshit. Give me delicious Twitrix steak any day. Fuck Carlpheus. Fuck him. I wish he'd never come for me."

"So, do we have a deal, James?" asks Agent Aro.

"I mean, even my underpants are made of burlap. That shit chafes! My poor testicles."

Agent Aro stares pointedly at James.

Just-James continues, "Okay, I know these silk boxers are just lines of code, that this steak is some fakety thing you've programmed so I'll make the pretty brain waves that power your crazy ass AI world or whatever. I don't really understand this plot. Anyway, yeah, but I'm done. I want back in. Just make me forget everything. Plug me back in. I want to be a battery. I want to eat this fucking steak. I want non-chafing underpants. I want balls smooth as silk. No one likes ball calluses."

"That … can be arranged. I mean, about the steak and underpants. Your balls are up to you. But we will need the codes for Zion."

"I keep telling you, I don't know that. But I can get you the man who does."

Agent Caius raises his hand and bounces up and down in his seat. "Ooh! Ooh! Oh! I know! Pick me! Pick me!"

Agent Marcus looks at Agent Caius and blurts out, "Carlpheus."

Agent Caius slowly lowers his hand. "I knew that. Goddammit, Marcus, why are you always doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Don't you pretend you don't know, you thunder-stealing, hot-redhead-secretary-banging, Pop-Tarts-pilfering …"

"Agent Caius!" shouts Agent Aro. He does not want such displays in front of the mole. "Control yourself."

"You always take his side!" huffs Agent Caius.

"What? I do no such thing."

"It's always Marcus, Marcus, Marcus!" shouts Agent Caius as he pushes himself back from the table and runs crying to the bathroom.

"Ahem, you will have to excuse Agent Caius. He's a little … sensitive," says Agent Aro.

***

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Tankett is giving Wardo a tour of the ship and the control room. It's kind of expository and boring, so I'm skipping it. Blah blah, this does this, this monitors everyone's heart, FORESHADOWING DOOM AHEAD, blah, electromagnetic pulse if the sentries get too close but if someone's still stuck in the Twitrix, they'll be lost forever THIS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER BLAH.

Carlpheus comes up behind them. "Are you ready, Wardo? We're going back into the Twitrix."

"Is Bo Bi—"

Carlpheus claps his hand over Wardo's mouth. "For the last time, Wardo. No. No, Bo Bice will not be there. We are going to see the Oracle."

"The Oral what?" asks Wardo.

"Just get in the chair," says Carlpheus.

Bellity, Carlpheus, Jaspoc, Just-James, Bitch, and Wardo are now in the Twitrix, in the same abandoned hotel where Wardo first met Carlpheus. Wardo pulls Bellity aside. "Did you also see this Oragel?"

"Oracle. And yes."

"What did she tell you?"

"Things."

"About Bo Bice?"

"Uh, no."

"Were any of them true?"

"Some."

"Were they good or bad? Or about Bo Bice?"

"There's no point in worrying. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen."

Bitch and Jaspoc stop at the doors of the Oracle's building. Carlpheus says, "We'll be back in an hour or so."

"Do you understand what it means when we say, 'If you're not one of us, you're one of them'?" asks Carlpheus.

"Well, I can only be myself, right? So if I'm not me, I'm … uh … them?" says Wardo.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay, let me put it this way. If a person you see isn't someone you saw on the ship, they can be agents. Anyone can turn into an agent. That's why we try to stay invisible in the Twitrix."

As they walk toward the Oracle's building, Just-James drops a cell phone into a trash bin. The screen lights up ominously as it silently makes a call.

They enter the Oracle's apartment. It's kind of like creepy daycare for wide-eyed Dakota Fanning clones, with shaved heads and cult-like Snuggies. One kid has a fork in his hand. The fork bends and straightens, bends and straightens, as he stares at it.

Wardo picks up a fork and tries to do the same. Frustrated, he just hulks it, bending the fork with his hands. "Stupid fork!" he yells.

"You must believe there is no fork. It is not your fork that bends, but your mind."

"What?"

"There is no fork."

"Duh, I see a fork right here."

The child looks at Wardo and pretends to make eye contact with someone on the opposite side of the room. "I, uh, have to go over there now."

Wardo pokes around and opens a door, following the smell of delicious cookies.

"Hello?" he calls.

"I know—you're Wardo," says a woman, her back to him as she takes out said delicious cookies from the oven.

"You're the Oral-B?"

"The Oracle? Yes. I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to. And don't worry about the vase."

"Did you say, 'Don't worry about Bo Bice?'" Wardo asks eagerly, swinging around to see the Sampson-haired singer. He knocks over a vase.

"Oops, sorry about the vase."

"What did I just say?" says the Oracle.

"Um, something about Bo Bice?"

"Sweet Lord Jesus, help me," she mutters. "Well, you're cuter than I thought. I can see why she likes you."

"Bo Bice is a guy. I mean, just because he has long hair …"

"Not too bright though."

"He's totally smart. Don't you talk shit about Bo Bice."

"Oh my fucking god, will you lay off the Bo Bice?" shrieks the Oracle, who is embarrassed at her outburst. She runs her fingers through her hair and composes herself. "Excuse me. I meant to ask if you knew why Carlpheus brought you here."

"I think so," he says uncertainly. His mouth is about to form the word "Bo," but the Oracle stops him.

"So what do you think? Do you think you're the Or-Wad?"

"I don't know."

"Well, let's have a look at you."

Wardo perks up. "If I jump up and down, my balls sound like windchimes," he offers.

"Hmm. Yes. The bad news is that you're not the Or-Wad."

"Bummer. What's the good news?"

"The same. You're not the Or-Wad." She adds under her breath, "Because we'd all be so totally fucked."

"Huh," he says, looking a little disappointed.

"Here, have a cookie."

The two part ways, and Wardo rejoins the others waiting in the hallway. "Ready to go back?" asks Carlpheus.

"Yeah, that Oral Roberts chick gave me a cookie," he says, spitting cookie crumbs out as he talks.

They head back to the abandoned hotel. As they go up the stairs to the main room, Wardo sees a cat go by twice. "Whoa," he says. "Déjà-vu."

All the others stop in their tracks. "What did you say?"

"Well, like, there was a cat, and then a second later, I saw the cat again."

"Was it the same cat, like exactly the same?" asks Bellity.

"Uh, it was a cat?"

"A déjà-vu is a glitch in the Twitrix. It means they've changed something," explains Carlpheus.

The beating of helicopter propellers fills the air.

"Oh shit!" shouts Bellity.

From the control room, Tankett shouts, "It's a trap!"

Just-James runs from the group, sends a distress call to Tankett, and ends up back on the ship first, all innocent-like. He says, "The agents—they're going to try to take Carlpheus!"

Tankett approaches him, and Just-James shoots him right in the gut. "My bad," says Just-James. Tankett falls over, moaning.

Meanwhile, back in the Twitrix, there's all sort of mayhem as the agents and cops try to corner Carlpheus.

"He must be taken alive!" says Agent Aro. Agent Caius is conspicuously absent.

There's some fisticuffs; I'm not going to lie. But I also don't remember, so let's say that after a really long, awesome, and valiant struggle, the agents have Carlpheus by the balls.

The phone rings. It's Bellity calling. Wardo, Jaspoc, and Bitch are standing by her anxiously. The phone rings and rings, but no one answers. "What could be wrong?" asks Bellity.

"Why hello!" answers Just-James finally.

"James? How did you—?"

He walks around the Barcaloungers to Bellity's unconscious body. "You know, for a long time I thought I was in love with you. I used to dream about you. Sorry things didn't work out."

"You did this. You set us up! You gave them Carlpheus!" says Bellity. "Tell me the truth!"

"The truth? The truth is that the war is over. We lost. Get used to it! Our future as humans is in the Twitrix."

"The Twitrix isn't real!" screams Bellity.

"I disagree, Bellity. All I do here is pull a plug. But over there? You see someone die."

Back on the ship, Just-James walks to Jaspoc. "You, with your piss-poor booze and your Southern gentility and 'darlin's' and stupid ass burlap cowboy boots …" He reaches for Jaspoc's cable. He wraps his hand around it, about to pull, when mysteriously from the fandom, a woman going by the name "Maleficent" appears in the ship and slaps his hand away.

"Nobody is touching Jasper—uh Jaspoc," she says, kicking him in the balls.

"What the hell is that?" Just-James falsettos, limping away.

A/N: Yeah, uh, sorry about that, but if I let Jasper-Jaspoc die, Maleficent will kill me. So Maleficent ex machina—get used to it.

kA/Nye: Yo, A/N, I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish taking meta-liberties with your narrative, but Euripides had the best deus ex machina of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Recovering from the testicular kick (if his balls weren't so callused from the burlap underpants, the damage would have been far worse, truefax), Just-James walks over Bitch's Barcalounger. "Guess what, Bitch? I'm just yanking this shit out."

"No! You have to right-click on the icon and wait for the pop-up message saying it's safe to remove the hardware," says Bitch pleadingly.

He pulls the big cable out of Bitch's head.

In the Twitrix, Bitch just falls over dead.

"Goddamn you, James!" yells Bellity.

"Stop with the haterade. I'm just the messenger. And I'm going to prove the message is true."

He walks over to Wardo. "If Carlpheus is right, then I shouldn't be able to pull out Teh Pretteh's cable, right? If he's truly the Or-Wad, then in the next few seconds, something miraculous has got to happen to stop me, doesn't it?"

"I'm right over here," hisses Maleficent, sitting on top of the unconscious Jaspoc while wiggling her hips. "Just-coming-out-of-the-Twitrix-wood, don't fail me now," she mutters.

Just-James grabs Wardo's cable (yeah, that sounds totally hot), when Tankett springs up from behind the control booth where he'd collapsed. He plugs Just-James full of bullets.

kA/Nye: Yo, Tankett, I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish killing James, but Robert Ford was the best James killer of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Tankett struggles forward and takes the phone from Just-Dead-James' hand. "Bellity! It's Tankett. I'm going to get you guys out of there!"

Some technobullshit later, Bellity and Wardo are back in the ship. Jaspoc wakes up as well, surprised to find someone on his lap. "Are you guys all set here?" he asks. "Because if so, I'm going to … head back to my bunk … for a second." He takes Maleficent by the hand, and they disappear, giggling.

"Are you all right, Tankett?" asks Bellity, rushing over to him, tripping, and knocking him down. "Oops."

Tankett groans, but Bellity works her magic, wherein she falls over things but still manages to get the bullet out, clean the wound, and stitch everything up. Accidentally, and through much klutziness.

"Well, that was refreshing!" says Wardo, hopping out of his chair. "When do we go back in? I want another cookie." Renesmee rolls its sphincter eyes. Yes, sphincters have eyes. Shut up. Wardo twitches. "These tightie-burlapies sure give you a wedgie. My crack is all itchy."

Bellity and Tankett look at each other and simultaneously say, "We are fucked."

Next: The Or-Wad Emerges!