Poison
The Doctor slowly swam up through a fog of ice and fire, surfacing to the sensations of someone close beside him working over his wounded chest. He was lying on his back somewhere, sounds of shouting strangely muffled coming from a distance. For some reason it was vitally important that he identify the source of the muffling, and he finally placed it with a feeling of hollow triumph: he was inside a small structure. A stone hut.
He forced his eyelids to open, tearing through what felt like glue, but he couldn't focus them properly. There was someone there beside him, leaning over to within centimeters of the poisoned gash on his chest. He could feel something being done but couldn't decipher what past the gauzy pain. The person's head was blocking the only source of light, a flickering candle beyond his feet. All he could see was a halo of blonde hair.
And there was only one person in the universe who had hair like that. One person he wanted to see more than any other, his desperate desire as great as his fear.
"Rose...? " He croaked the name in a hoarse whisper.
The head moved, lifting up out of the candle's halo, and snapped into focus.
Not Rose. Gwenhyfar.
She was speaking to him, but he couldn't hear the words for the hurricane roaring through his head. With the realization of her identity memory returned, and an aneurysm of pain and fury and self-loathing burst inside him, spraying its acid poison through his soul and searing his hearts and mind with the words he struggled always to keep from his consciousness.
You stupid, worthless worm, it's not Rose, it will never be Rose again, you left her behind deliberately, like you leave everybody behind, destroyed and betrayed like you betray everyone you care about and everyone you don't, she's lucky to be alive at all, alive and heartbroken and stranded in that parallel world, forever and ever out of your reach, good for her, she'll have a chance at a longer life without you, that's what you wanted isn't it? isn't it? LIAR! you left her and RAN like the coward you are and always have been and always will be, coward betrayer Destroyer of Worlds, Killer of your Own Kind, Oncoming Storm, oncoming failure, constant failure, you can't keep anyone alive, you can't make anyone happy, you'll always fail, you'll always run, you'll always lose and lie about it, lie to yourself that you did it for them, lie to protect your cowardly black hearts, liar coward failure worm killer murderer …
Down and down and down he spiraled, into the pit of his own despair, ever-present beneath his mask of smiles and laughs and adventures, down into the bottomless pit, knowing the monster that waited for him below was his own deceitful self.
He did the only thing he could, flooding his brain with anti-endorphins that blocked the synapses and temporarily shut down every mental process. Consciousness fled again, taking with it the final taunt of Coward!, and he dove into the empty black with a moan.
^..^
"What did he say?" Merelen whispered from beyond his head.
"I... don't know," Gwenhyfar matched her tone. "It might have been a name. It sounded like he was calling for someone..." She glanced up at the Lady of the Lake, sorrow and bewilderment vying with the exhaustion etched into her cheeks.
Merelen considered, then shook her head at the other woman. "We will not speak of it," she cautioned.
Gwenhyfar nodded, and the two returned to their separate but entwined tasks, striving with all their disparate skills, and hearts, and hopes, fighting against the poison and time, working desperately to save the King.