Thank you for sticking with me through the madness. I feel as if it is important to mention that all of my chapters lately have been heavily beta'd by BostonRocket. Without her encouragement and feedback, I don't know how I'd continue. The biggest thank you imaginable goes out to her.
This chapter is so so so so important, and perhaps my favorite so far.
The honey blonde put the children to sleep that night, as had become habit when she was home from the hospital. Halfheartedly she tried to imitate Jane's pajama monster, but she and the children all knew it wasn't the same. Still they played along, trying to find as much amusement in the routine as possible.
After closing the children's bedroom doors and wishing them goodnight, Maura went in search of Jane, as the two had spoken very little since her husband's phone call. She was surprised to open her lover's bedroom door only to find her not there, nor in her bathroom. Confused, she descended the stairs and checked the entire floor, still to no avail. The car keys to the Audi were still in the kitchen in the proper bowl on the counter. Quickly Maura headed upstairs to her bedroom, the only place left to look. Still empty.
Now frantic, Maura grabbed her phone and checked her messages. Nothing from Jane. Immediately she found the young brunette in her contacts and called. A faint ringing sound floated from down the hall. She followed the noise, only to find Jane's cell phone sitting on her nightstand.
The brunette was gone.
Maura sank to the floor against the brunette's bed and started to cry.
Jane had had to get out of there. She needed to run and to think and to just feel the heat and sweat on her skin. Not even thinking twice, she threw on her running clothes and left, accidentally leaving behind her cellphone.
She had never thought about Maura's husband in reality, only in abstract. For her, it almost felt like an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing, but she should have known better. Realistically, he could have shown up at any point, she knew, despite the fact that he was in Japan for three months. Even if it were only for a few days to visit with the children, theoretically it was possible. Or he could call, like he had.
That thought terrified her. Jane wanted Maura, not just for the summer. She wanted the older woman in a way that she had never expected to want someone, but Maura technically wasn't hers. Legally, she wasn't hers. Maura was married to Christophe. The young brunette already knew she wasn't going to be able to handle breaking things with Maura smoothly. The whole situation was likely to end badly, and not in Jane's favor either.
Except a little nagging feeling inside of Jane's heart said Maura would choose her in the end.
Jane was too afraid to listen to it.
Nearly 10 songs had played on Jane's running playlist, so she estimated she'd been gone between 30 and 45 minutes. Remembering she'd left her phone on her nightstand and hadn't left a note for Maura, Jane decided she should probably head back and finally talk to the older woman. While she dreaded it, she knew after Maura's husband calling that it was time to start asking questions and getting the answers that she needed.
She turned the block and estimated that she had about half a mile, maybe less, back to the house. Now that she was thinking about it, Maura was probably worried sick about where she was, so she began to run faster.
The young brunette let herself in and quickly rushed up the stairs, intent on taking a quick shower after her run, wanting to wash away the sweat before she spoke with Maura. Rounding the corner, she noticed that her bedroom door was open. She walked through the doorway to find Maura sitting on the floor, her back against the bed frame, hugging her knees. Tears were streaming down her face.
Immediately concern coursed through Jane. "Maura? What's wrong? What happened?"
The older woman looked up, surprised, and then swiped furiously at her cheeks, shaking her head. "Nothing, nothing. I'm fine."
Jane quietly knelt in front of Maura. "Please tell me."
"It's silly. I'd rather not."
After Jane gave her an earnest, pleading look, Maura looked down and finally whispered, "I thought maybe you'd left. It was foolish to think so, since you wouldn't want to leave behind your belongings, especially your cell phone. But I searched the whole house and you weren't here." Slowly Maura looked up, meeting Jane's dark eyes. "You didn't tell me you were leaving, and because of what happened this evening..."
"I'm sorry. I should have told you, but I just," Jane paused, biting her lip. "I needed to get out of here and think, so I went running."
"Of course, of course. I was simply concerned. You know normally I don't assume, but considering you weren't anywhere to be found, there was only one logical conclusion for me - that you had left, at least temporarily."
"Maur," Jane started, swallowing hard. "We have to talk, and I mean really talk, about what we're doing, about what's going on between us, Because I'm not sure that I can do this if-" The young brunette voice cracked, and she looked away.
"If what?" Maura pressed.
Jane's words were barely a whisper as she made eye contact again. "If you don't end up feeling the same way I do. But it's more than that, even."
Maura was unsure of what to say, because she didn't even know how she felt about the young brunette. She was married, not necessarily happily, but married, and had two children, and Jane was only 19. Maura didn't even know if Jane had ever been in love before. In fact, Maura didn't know if she herself had ever truly been in love before. Close, perhaps, but absolutely? She wasn't sure.
The two sat in silence for several minutes before Maura finally said, "I've always been fond of Christophe, but I don't know that I've ever truly been in love with him. We got married because we felt content. It was never about passion, simply companionship. Neither of us ever truly expected to fall in love with someone like you read about in literature, or see in movies."
"So I guess you could say you settled for each other?"
"Yes, I suppose that's the best way to phrase it," Maura reasoned.
Jane's brow furrowed deeply as she thought for a moment. "Then why have you stayed with him if, if he doesn't, if you don't-"
"If we no longer have an intimate relationship?" Maura finished.
"Yeah," Jane replied. "Maura, I just don't understand. You're incredible! You're intelligent, beautiful, sexy...why wouldn't he want you?"
Maura bit her lip and looked away. "I don't know. I've never bothered to ask."
"But I want you," the young brunette whispered.
Slowly Maura stood and crawled backwards onto Jane's bed, lying down on her side with her head on Jane's pillow. Jane rose and stood at the side of the bed, looking at her, waiting for direction. Patting the bed, Maura softly told her, "Come here."
Jane climbed onto the bed, mirroring Maura's position, their bodies within a half arm's length. She met Maura's eyes and the older woman smiled.
After several quiet moments, Maura lifted her hand up to cup Jane's cheek softly. "You are very special to me, Jane. I hope you know that."
Tears welled in the corners of Jane's eyes. "But?"
"But what?"
"That kind of statement is always followed by a 'but,'" Jane whispered.
"There is no but, Jane," Maura replied softly, "I promise."
Jane lifted her hand and gently gripped Maura's hand on her cheek, bringing their hands down between them and linking their fingers together.
"If we continue this, it's going to become complicated," Maura said, sadness creeping into her voice.
"It's already complicated, Maura."
"Do you think you can handle it?"
"Why wouldn't I be able to? Because I'm only 19?"
Immediately Maura frowned. "No, age often has very little to do with being able to handle this kind of situation."
"I want you, Maura," Jane replied. "I want to be with you."
"We still," Maura replied, before pausing and biting her lip. "We still have to be extremely discreet, Jane, especially around the children."
"We can do that. We're already doing that."
"Okay," Maura breathed out.
A few moments of silence stretched between them. Jane eventually glanced down, feeling a little awkward. Then she asked something that had crossed her mind several times. "Do you think your, um, think he's having an affair?"
Maura exhaled, blowing breath out with her lips formed in a circle. "Statistically speaking, he's probably already had several by now, though I don't have any actual evidence. But I also haven't been looking for it, either."
"Does that upset you? That he might've?"
The older woman licked her lips, thinking. "If he in fact has, I don't think I would have any right to be upset, given my current situation."
"And what if we had never met? Would you be upset then?"
"I don't like questions that begin with 'what if,' Jane."
"Well let's suppose that we had never met-"
"How is that any better?"
Jane closed her eyes and released a frustrated sigh.
"Before you, I hadn't had sex with anyone in over three years. I have long since surpassed feeling angry that my husband no longer 'wants' me. I've accepted my situation as the norm, even if it has been incredibly lonely."
"It doesn't have to be. You deserve better, Maura."
"Right now, you're giving me better. Even when we're just talking or spending time with my children, you are giving me better, Jane."
"If I were someone else, would we still be together?" Jane asked suddenly.
"I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking," Maura replied.
"Are you with me because I'm, well, me, I guess, or because I'm here, convenient, and you, um, want intimacy with another person?"
Maura's gaze softened immensely. "Oh, Jane," the honey blonde murmured.
"What?"
"Because you're you, of course. I want to be with you because I'm attracted to you, not the idea of you, or because I want physical intimacy. You're just," Maura sighed softly, closing her eyes briefly before opening them again and smiling at her lover. "When you look at me and smile, I get this odd sensation in my chest. I've never been able to find the words to describe the feeling, but I can only once in my life remember feeling this way about another person."
"Oh. What happened? Why aren't you with him, if he made you feel that way?"
"I came back to the States to attend university, and she didn't want to leave Europe," Maura whispered. "So we parted ways, and we haven't spoken since."
Jane bit her lip as tears sprung to her eyes. She immediately looked away and rolled onto her back. With both arms resting by her sides, she stared up at the ceiling. "I don't," she started to say before stopping herself, swallowing the lump in her throat.
"You don't what?"
"I don't want this to be just a summer thing," the young brunette whispered tearfully. "I don't want to leave in August and never see you again."
Maura was silent for several seconds, contemplating how to respond.
Jane, however, misinterpreted Maura's silence instantly. "Oh god," she cried softly, sitting up quickly and sliding toward the edge of the bed. "You don't want to be with me," she whispered.
Reaching quickly to wrap her fingers around Jane's wrist, Maura tried to pull her back. "I do!" Maura asserted. "Jane, you have to understand how complicated this is on my part. I have to consider what's best for my children."
Jane wrenched her wrist free and slid off the bed, turning around to face Maura. "Then you should have thought about that before seducing me!" she spat vehemently. Her eyes were now black with anger.
"I do want to be with you," Maura replied calmly. "You know that I do."
"Do you, Maura? Do you?! Because it sounds like you'd rather stay married to a man who no longer loves you, and for what? So he can keep sleeping around while you spend your time craving the touch and love of another human being? That sounds wonderful, Maura. Just glorious!"
"You're not being fair to me, Jane."
"No," Jane replied, "what's not fair is I'm falling in love with someone who belongs to someone else!" The tears had quickly gathered in the corners of Jane's eyes and when she blinked, the wet drops slipped down her cheeks. Her shoulders sagged as she turned away from the honey blonde.
Maura scooted to the edge of the bed and slipped off to stand behind Jane. "Please turn around," she requested softly.
Jane didn't budge.
"If you love me, that's okay, but please know I'm not ready to say those words. However, that doesn't mean I don't care about you deeply, because I do...far more than you could ever possibly know right now," Maura said. "If, or perhaps when, the time comes, I will tell Christophe and the children. But right now, I don't want either of us to think about it."
Sighing, Jane replied quietly, "It's all I can think about."
"Then what can I do for you right now, Jane?" Maura asked. "Tell me what I can do to help you."
The young woman was quiet for several moments, mostly afraid to ask what her heart was screaming to know. "Is there any hope of us actually being together?" she asked finally. "Completely?"
Maura was silent for a moment, making sure she understood Jane's quiet words. What Jane really was asking was simple: are you going to leave your husband to be with me?
Her voice was shaky when she replied. "I don't think I could ever return to how my life was before you. Being with you has changed everything, Jane."
Jane knew that Maura was terrified to say the exact words she wanted to hear. Turning around finally, she faced a teary-eyed Maura. Briefly she met her eyes, but had to look down as she spoke her next words, her heart on the brink of shattering. "I can't keep being with you if there's no future for us."
"There can be, I think," Maura whispered. "But it won't be easy."
"I don't care. I just want to be with you."
Maura smiled, stepping closer to the Jane and wrapping her arms around the young woman's waist. "Then right now, let's truly just focus on being with each other."
"OK, I'll try."
"Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight, or shall I stay in here?"
"Um, actually," Jane replied, hesitating. "Would you mind if we just slept separately tonight?"
The older woman tried her best to hide her disappointment and gave Jane a small smile. "Okay," she whispered, before looking down briefly.
Jane, however, detected the sadness in her lover's face. "Hey," she said softly, causing Maura to lift her head again. "Just for tonight, okay? It's just that a lot has happened today and I need a little time to myself."
"Yes, of course. I understand," Maura replied, nodding.
"We're okay, Maur."
Tears welled up in Maura's hazel eyes and she instantly looked down, avoiding Jane's intense eyes.
With her left hand, Jane tilted Maura's chin back up to meet her gaze. "I promise we're okay now." Slowly she leaned forward and pressed her lips gently to the honey blonde's. When she pulled back, Maura's eyes were still closed, but a smile graced her full lips.
Lazily Maura opened her eyes, finding Jane observing her. When Jane smiled back, Maura leaned back in quickly, kissing the younger woman with more force than before. This time the kiss lasted much longer and finally Maura had to force herself to pull back, eyes closed as she rested her forehead against Jane's. "Goodnight, my beautiful Jane," she whispered against Jane's lips.
"Goodnight, Maura," Jane replied softly. "Sweet dreams."
Stepping out of Jane's embrace, Maura turned to leave. As she took a step toward the door, she smiled hesitantly back at Jane and replied, "They certainly will be if I dream of you."
You are a beautiful, incredible soul for making it through this journey so far with me. Thank you!