I stared out the closed window, resting my chin on my open palm. Tall dying heaps of grass were scattered all over the landscape. They rushed by while the sun sat atop the mountains in the distance, holding them still so they wouldn't run away as well. There weren't many houses, inhabited houses that is. Pretty much all the houses rushing by are collapsing and rotting.
The smell in the car made me feel very happy and social, like when you drink a little too much at a pub. But what use is that if the only companion to talk to in the car refuses to talk to you? Sure, I've tried smoothing over this distrust between us with conversation and small chatter. But she has no intention of doing that, she's made that very clear. So I've returned to looking out the window and describing things in my head. I'm getting pretty good at it.
It kind of hurt how she flat-out rejected every word I said but I was glad she was being honest with me. She's been acting like she enjoyed my company for a while now when she actually hates my guts. Now that I know how she feels, I can try to fix it, as hard as it is.
A towering figure in the distance caught my attention. At first, I thought it was a monster of some sort. But after a few moments of squinting, I found out it was just France's hotel. Even from far away it still looks extravagant and classy. Looking at it made me feel so puny and pissed off. Nobody even lives there except for the frog so why build it there? Nobody is ever touring around here either. Who would? I could tell Lavie saw it as well for her face matched my own.
In an attempt to start another conversation, I said, "Weird, isn't it? A hotel in the middle of nowhere."
"Hm."
That was the last exchange we had until we reached town.
OOO
Lavie drove down paved roads, her eyes searching for an empty parking space. I could see the small grocery store at the corner of the street in the side mirror. Apparently, the parking spots were already taken as well as all parking spots on the street. I've never seen this much traffic in my life. In every alley, Side Street, and Main Street you look, there's a long line of cars and a cluster of crossing pedestrians. It was remarkable. The car came to an abrupt halt when the light turned red. Lavie dropped her head onto the wheel in defeat, her blonde hair hanging over the side.
"I'm sure we'll find a parking space soon. It won't be long now," I said, trying to lift her spirits. "Say, do you know why all the spots are taken?"
The light turns green and she attempts to step on it but stops as a family ecstatically crosses her path. She lets out a sigh and finally says the first couple of sentences to me since we left. "This is the time fresh produce is brought to the farmer's market. Everyone is swarming over there to get some."
She's right. As she manoeuvres through the chaos, I see the market. It's packed to the brim with bustling people. It's literally packed to the brim. There are no bald spots in the crowd as far as I could see. It looks dreadful yet everyone doesn't seem to mind the crowding; they act as though they're in an empty amusement park. It's nice to see the all the cheery attitudes. Just looking at the scene's making me smile. But it seems Lavie doesn't have that feeling. She's wrinkling her forehead in frustration and drumming her fingers on the wheel, impatiently waiting for the cars ahead of us to move. Actually, now that I think about it, she's the only normal one. I mean, most people would be acting like her if they were in bad traffic like this but the people around here aren't. And yet she's considered the odd one here. Well, that doesn't make any sense.
"Hey, is it normal to be so cheerful like that here?" The car moved a few feet forward.
"Yeah, sure," she said dully.
After escaping that fiasco, we found a spot many blocks away from our destination. Lavie shut the door loudly and walked down the sidewalk while I was still getting off my belt. The cold air hits me hard as I emerge from the car. There aren't any houses, but there are a lot of closed stores and tumbling plastic bags. It feels so weird to see an empty mini mall like this.
I catch up to Lavie and gaze into the windows of the shops. One has TV screens, another has hand-weaved wicker baskets, and the one at the end of the street has a sign saying $5 a pup! in a speech bubble but there aren't any pups to be seen, as well as someone to say the speech bubble.
Lavie takes a right turn and crosses the street. I follow after her in more prolonged silence, 'cept for the sound of our feet hitting the pavement. I really should be trying to smooth this over and make her warm up to me. This is the perfect chance since she doesn't have anything to focus on to avoid conversation. So what am I doing? Why am I just keeping my mouth shut? It's awkward is why. She isn't the talkative woman back at their house anymore. Well, you got her to say a couple of sentences earlier. Do it again!
"So..." I start. "Nice day isn't it?"
She doesn't look my way but the slight bend of her eyebrows tells me that she thinks I'm crazy. Of all the things I had to say, I had to say that. The weather's terribly cold and dreadful, the complete opposite of what I just said. I literally cannot feel my fingers anymore and they're double gloved, in my pockets!
A few silences later, she responds, "I guess that's kind of true coming from your perspective." Success! I got another sentence out of her. I can already tell she's warming up to me. But she says those sentences like it's a bad thing, like she's indirectly talking about a seedy trouble maker who loiters at the end of the street.
I see what she's getting at though. We've got the coldest winters in the world. I haven't been home in many winters luckily but where I was wasn't any better. As my boss said, war doesn't stop because of bad weather. It continues on. But the way she implied it makes me feel a little insulted. She could've tried to sound respectful or say it like I wasn't a waste of space. But I'll take any win at this point. Any words to a Unioner in North America is pretty impressive.
"No, I meant to say it like that." She met my eyes quickly and looked away again. Looks like I finally got her attention, with a lie. I guess lies aren't all that bad. I'm starting to question my policies about them.
"Oh." She's quiet again. I decide to take a break. It's hard gaining someone's trust. My gaze drifts to the empty road where a lone dog prowls. It's shaggy and splattered with brown and white fur. It looked like a cow but without the utter. When it spotted me, it wagged its behind where a tail should be. The saddest admiration I've ever felt came over me. What a sweet stray.
We turned again, leaving the adorable stray behind and onto the street where the market is. I still haven't gotten very far with my current goal. Oh well, these things take time.
As we passed the entrance, I stared at the frenzy of outstretched limbs and bobbing heads. It looks very different up close, the market. Before, it was an unfortunate mix of clashing colours and brown stands but now it's more like a river. A really murky river at that. Right before we reached the other side, someone faintly called out Lavie's name. I glanced over to her to ask but she already heard. We stopped in our tracks and a woman with brown hair appeared before us with a brown bag full of vegetables and fruits.
"Lavie, thanks for the flowers the other day," she said, her smile matching everyone else's.
Lavie responded with a friendly grin. "Hey Carolin, feeling better I see."
"Better than I've ever felt!" I flinch from her voice piercing my eardrums. "Have you bought any of Mr. Baker's carrots yet? They're crunchy as can be!" She dug into her bag and offered her a pristine, orange carrot. Lavie shook her head.
"I'm sorry but I'm not buying anything here. I'm just headed for the corner store to buy some things for dinner."
"Still attached to that old corner store, huh? You really should try buying the fresh stuff."
Blah blah blah a bunch of girl talk. This is probably going to go on for a long time which leaves me alone with my thoughts. I don't really know if that's a good thing. How much longer are they going to talk? Only time will tell and he's busy. Why am I using metaphors? Is it because my mind is bored and seeks some kind of entertainment? Probably. I suddenly feel colder. Much colder and I start shivering. Oh god, it's cold.
"Who's your friend, Lavie?"
I come back to the real world, greeted by the mindless chatter of the river. Carolin, I think her name was, stared in my direction with interest. I turned my head this way and that, searching for the person she's actually staring at. I did this a few moments more until Lavie breaks in.
"His name is England. He's a friend of Rebnia's."
"England? Well, that's an interesting name." I could hear her giggle under her breath.
"Yeah, really interesting," added Lavie, glaring at me.
"You must be new then. I would've remembered someone like you." Carolin stared at me with half closed eyelids.
"Carolin..."
"Oh, calm down. I ain't hurtin' him. So what brings a handsome guy like you to Havre, Montana?"
"I'm here to find a job. But so far I've only found very off-putting advice." Lavie stared at me with suspicious eyes.
Carolin's smile faded. "Oh, uh..."
Lavie sighed and explained what was obviously on her mind. "Mr. England here is from the UK."
"Oh, well that's nice. Um, Lavie can I talk to you in private?"
So they left me there, just like that, leaving me to fend for myself at the mouth of a chattering cluster of river. I really should start hiding my accent. But rumours are already swirling because of our presence. It might be too late.
Might as well look around. It's better than just standing here like an idiot. The market will be off-limits for now. I don't want any part in that mess. So I wandered around the entrance and browsed the flowers and bushes for something interesting to gaze upon. It wasn't until I reached the corner of the street that I overheard something that caught my attention.
"Excuse me, do you know anything about this boy?"
I know that voice. I peered my head around the corner of an alley to find a head of blond wavy hair and an outfit of flamboyant colours and frills. It was the frog no doubt about it. Who else would wear such a weird-looking outfit? He must be trying to find out more about Rebnia.
The man he was talking to was moderately built and matched his height. The loyal posse behind him were about the same as well but look as shady as men in black suits. "That kid?" He said. His hillbilly talk startled me. I always thought that the "everyone in the Americas either say eh or sound like a cowboy" stereotype was completely made up. I never thought someone would actually speak like that. He put his hands in his denim jean pockets and thought it over. "Oh yeah, you must be one of them guys who're asking around about 'im." He gurgled and spit a wad of mucus at the asphalt. "What's your deal?"
France surprisingly stood his ground against the man before him, though he flinched at his intimidating glare. "He's my brother is why. I'm going to take him back to France."
Yeah, right like that's ever going to happen. He really should stop telling all these lies. It's obvious that Rebnia likes me. "Shut up, Frenchy." The ground shook at his tone of voice. I did too. But Frenchy? That's the most unimaginative insult I've ever heard. At least put thought into it like commenting on his girly outfit but no, he had to use that insult. This man is obviously an idiot, though I'm not surprised. The Frenchy took a step back. It still doesn't sound right. "Don't lie. You don't look a bit like him and if you were, where've you been all this time, huh?" He stared at him with the furious eyes of an interrogator.
"He's my brother, I tell you. What's not to get?" Said France in retaliation.
The man grinned and snapped his fingers. His posse was immediately on him. They grabbed his arms while he squirmed and told them to let go. This was getting out of hand. But I didn't intervene. No, I couldn't do anything if I tried. Why risk another person's life? I just watched from the corner of the alley while people continued to pass by, a bystander. But how can they not notice this? Are they blind?
"I don't believe you." He took out a cigarette and lit it with the flick of his thumb. The fire made his greasy brown hair gleam in its light. It sat on his thumb a few moments more before it disappeared. France looked as shocked as I did.
"How did you-"
"Let me talk, fuckass." France silenced himself quickly with cowardice in his eyes and a quiet squeak. "You know what I think? I think you want to use that kid to take over us. You French and English knew we'd be sore losers so you intend to take us by force by sendin' some spies like you and yer friend, to watch us and learn our ways."
Where is he getting his information? We don't want another war! We're still all suffering from the damage. But with the prejudice against us and the rebellious behaviour it might spark one. And my boss will oblige. And I'll be stuck in another dumb war. I'm feeling sick just thinking about it.
The man continued. "That's what I hate about you Europeans; you see any country out of your little circle as uncivilized savages. And it pisses me off." He leans in so close to France that their foreheads touched. "What gave you fucks the right? Huh? Taking our land after years of peace?" I begin to lean into the corner, still out of sight, still listening.
France only stared back at him, his eyes afraid and uncertain. Much like mine. The man's mouth curled into an annoyed frown. "Well you might as well git outta here. That kid might be a little irregular but I know fer a fact he'd never turn his back on his own country."
One of France's holders added, "You really think that, Dav-" The smoking man shot him a look and he spoke again, more cautiously. "Um, Havre, do you actually think that? That kid has a pretty good motive to turn traitor y'know."
"Shut up before I personally pin you to the wall." He piped down. Havre's very bossy, isn't he? He then fixed his eyes on France. "The point is, you should git your little ass outta here while you can as well as your little Brit boyfriend. Your mission is a lost cause, you gay fuck." I cringed. There's no need to explain why.
"I'm not a spy!" France exclaimed.
"All you people are spies. We were actually on our way to see that other Frenchy but I think we can spare a few. Boys, show 'em what we think about his despicable plan."
"I'm not a spy! Why can't you understand that?!" He exclaimed as they dragged him deeper into the alley. "Let me go!"
He was eaten by the darkness. Okay, I should probably go help him now. As much as I hate the guy, I can't just leave him there and hope they'll talk it out. I gathered all my courage and turned the corner. But before I could take a step into the alley, someone's arm latched onto mine. I turned. It was Lavie. Her face was twisted into a scowl and her eyes were furious.
"Thought you could escape, huh?"
"What? No, I-"
"Too bad! C'mon we're going to the grocers and you are coming with me. You got to pay for your actions!"
I turn back at the alley where France disappeared. "But..."
"But what?" She snapped.
I stared a while longer and sighed. "Nothing... it's nothing."
"Well, let's go then." She looked at her arm linked onto mine and pulled it away in disgust. I followed her through the crowds of the market in a daze. My head echoed the same words over and over: You're a coward. A dirty coward. Why didn't I go help him? Why am I still not going to help him? He's a pain but he doesn't deserve that.
That woman from before was waiting for us at the entrance. She smiled when she saw us, mostly at me actually.
"Hellooo! I'm going to be joining you two on your little grocery shopping trip." She walked next to me, a little too close for comfort. "My name is Carol if ya didn't know."
"Hi, Carol." She doesn't seem like a discriminating Havrian but she does get in your face a little. "I'm-"
"I already know who you are, Mr. England." She giggled for whatever the reason. She reached out to my twisted arm and I tried to pull away but I didn't make it in time. She latched onto my arm and I flinched, shutting my eyes tight.
Nothing happened.
I opened my eyes; they were stared at me. Carolin asked, "Hey England, you okay?"
My arm isn't hurting. That's strange, it couldn't have healed already. "Yeah, I think."
"Well c'mon then, we don't have all day," Said Lavie, keeping her distance and leading us down the street.
OOO
"Goodbye! Come on over to my place sometime, okay? Especially your friend there." She waved from her car and drove off. I'm glad she's gone. Her latching onto my arm was a little uncomfortable and unnerving. I thought that the pain would come rushing in if she kept doing that, but it didn't. I guess it healed after all. Lavie and I carried bags filled with groceries down the street, the market fading slowly behind us into the dark abyss. It's strange. It is dark but the stars haven't come out yet. Not a plane in sight either, just blackness.
Lavie was silent still and walked in front of me still. She also refused to partake in any conversation still. Well, I can't give up yet.
"So, what are you making for dinner?"
Silence.
"I made Rebnia some scones earlier so I don't know if he'd be hungry. The recipe was a heavy one."
She stopped. I stopped as well. "Could you just stop? Please?"
"Stop what? I'm just trying to make conversation."
"I'm done playing this charade." She turned on her heel and glared at me. "Just tell me the truth already and stop tormenting me!"
Oh no, here it comes. "Heh heh, wh-what are you talking about...?" Maybe if I act like I'm not a spy, she'll drop it and trust me and not pressure me into telling her everything. She won't interpret it right if I tell her.
"I'm talking about you taking Rebnia away!" I stood there taking it in. What she said. Her face was furious but he eyes were filled with the deepest sorrow I've ever seen. So she wasn't talking about the accusations of me being a spy. She was talking about what I said that day at their dinner table. "I-If you are, you'll leave me no choice but to fight back. I've lost too many people in the past. I'm not going to make those mistakes ever again."
I smirked. She's pretty bad at threats. I didn't even feel shivers go down my spine. "I got to admit you got a lot of spirit." She jolted at my tone. "Yes, I am taking him back."
Her face twisted into a scowl. "Then I'll-"
"You don't need to do anything." She stared at me with confusion. "I mostly came here to see if he's okay after seeing him in a news article. I still intend to take him but I never said how soon. I think you're more than capable of taking care of him but I only ask that you let me watch over him as well. Is that okay?"
She thought it over, her lips fighting to stay the emotionless straight line she's had all day. Then she looked into my eyes and scanned my face as though searching for a lie. She nodded. "Alright, you seem honest enough. I'll trust you to watch over him, for now."
She turned on her heel once again and walked off. I followed her with groceries in tow. I didn't look it but a celebration of triumph was going on in my head. My brain cells are probably drinking themselves stupid.
"So, you've been treating me coldly because of what I said about taking him away?"
"Yeah, why else would I?"
"Well, I heard this funny thing from Rebnia that you thought I was a spy! And that's why we did that crazy scheme earlier, so you would trust me."
Lavie finally began smiling like when I first met her and Rebnia. It was genuine. "I only told him that so he'd stay away from you. I'd never convict someone I just met of being a spy."
"Oh, I see…"
"Also, what made you think that plan would work?"
"I didn't," I laughed.
We continued to talk like this for the whole walk back. The stars finally appeared in the sky and she told some constellations she knew like Orion and Virgo. When we got in the car after hours of walking, it was pretty late and she mumbled something. I asked, "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"
"What's it like... in England?" She forced out.
"Huh?" This is a surprise. "You want to know about England?"
"You don't have to if you don't want to. It's a free country." I felt a cough coming on but it disappeared as soon as it came. Looks like those cough drops are working for once.
"I'm just a little surprised is all. Everyone seems to think of England as, well..."
"And we have good reason to. But…" She began mumbling to herself again. I can tell this is hard for her, asking about a country that shouldn't be spoken of.
I cleared my throat. "Well, it's very different from here."
"Different how?" She started the engine of the car and drove down the road.
All of a sudden, my answer came pouring out of my mouth uncontrollably. "For one thing, we have some very nice pubs. Your pubs are so dreary and empty. It's like drinking in a prison cell. Also, you guys are way too friendly. I can't go through a single day without some stranger wanting to talk to me. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it's just so foreign to me. Don't you think it's a little weird to find some child in front of you and talking to you, a stranger, for no good reason? I could've been a predator, which I'm not, and took the child away!"
She narrowed her eyes. "You don't seem to like the Americas too much, do you?"
I swallowed hard. "It's probably just culture shock! Y'know how that is and all-" I say, quickly.
She rolled her eyes. "Take it easy. I'm just kidding."
"I knew that." She doesn't seem like someone who would which made her response even more frightening.
"It's hard not to discriminate if you were raised that way. Even Rebnia is one of them too but you don't have to worry, he likes you for whatever reason." She sighed. "I wish people here could see that not all Unioners are spies and plotting against us. I feel like the only one here who thinks that. You might as well add that to your list of American flaws."
"There are some good things about the Americas!"
"Really? Like what?" She stared at me sceptically.
"Well, um," I stutter. Is there anything good about this place? "I... like your pasta?"
"Our pasta?"
"Yeah, the one with Boyardee on the cover." Oh my god, what the hell am I saying? "It's much better than the pasta in England." Just stop. Why won't I shut up?! "Also..." Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
"You actually like that canned pasta? It's disgusting," she said. I slouched in my seat. My desperate attempt to find a good thing about them has made her think I actually like that stuff. That's great. "But I know one thing we beat you English at."
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"Rebellious spirit." Her eyes light up like a wildfire. "No matter what the English or French do to tame us, we'll never give in. We'll never stop being who we are. This nation long, long ago was born from rebellious spirit and freedom and we want to keep those values. So if you turn out to actually be a spy, I'll help crush you with the rest of the nation with no restraint." She smiles. "Okay?"
"Um, okay." Looks like she doesn't fully trust me yet. But that's alright. These things take time. But time isn't a luxury I have at the moment. The longer I stay here, the higher the risk of being mauled by the entire town. Something is going to happen.
And it's not going to be pretty.
OOO
After helping her bring the groceries in, I went on my merry way. I've already caused enough trouble as it is. I'd hate to inconvenience them further.
I stared up at the hotel room at the top floor. The lights were off. I bit my lip. I couldn't help but feel obligated to check if France got home okay. I walked into the lift and went to the top floor and knocked on his door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer.
"Goddammit France you better be home!" I exclaimed. Still no answer. Oh no. Oh no no no no no. I turned the handle and the door opened. I burst in to find the frog watching a movie on his TV. He turned and stared at me.
"Oui, why are you here?!" He exclaimed, getting up. "We don't have a video chat today!" I gulped. A black eye was forming on his face and I couldn't stop staring at it.
France noticed me staring at his eye and replied, "Oh I got this from some racist bastards in town. I'm lucky I got away!" He laughed but it soon faded into nothingness. He stared at my face. "Hey, you don't look too good."
"I-I'm fine," I replied.
"I bet it's your living conditions, hm?"
"Shut up."
"Lack of nutrition?"
"Shut up, I'm leaving. I don't know why I even came here." I turned and left for the lift. He came back alive. That's great. But I couldn't help but think that it was all my fault. Which it is. I just stood there, watching it happen and I didn't do anything. Because of that, he has a black eye and he could've gotten even more hurt. I never was like this before but now I'm becoming the person I've never wanted to be:
A coward.
And I hated it.