"Pretty much. She said and I quote 'Let's just talk in a few weeks and see how things go' so yeah I'm pretty much fucked." Walking the last few steps towards Sara and the couch, Tegan gestured with one hand for her sister to move her legs so she could sit down. "Could you? Scoot a bit?"
Instead of sitting down next to her for a comforting hug, Tegan had laid down on the couch on her back with her head now resting in Sara's lap and looked up at the cream colored ceiling wondering what she was going to do next. The late night's unfolding events were going better for Sara than she had imagined. She looked down at Tegan and began stroking her hair occasionally brushing errant locks away from eyes and her forehead or tucking it behind an ear.
"So yeah I guess I'm single if my girlfriend doesn't want to see me for a couple weeks. I mean how fucked up is that?" At that question, Tegan briefly turned to look Sara in the eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Tegan. This was like the last thing I thought was going to happen. If I'd known Lindsey was going to break up with you because you came here to Montreal with me then like…like this is the last thing I wanted to happen." This was actually far from the truth but as Sara continued stroking Tegan's hair with her right hand while her other hand lay on her stomach, she didn't consciously think about her deceit. At that moment, she only thought about making an anxious, unhappy Tegan get back to her usual cheerful self.
She was, however, consciously realizing that she was stroking Tegan's face and hair and she was filled with great bliss. This was the most naturally affectionate she had ever been with her sister that she could recall. Sure, she had been sweet and tender with her words towards her in the past and she had helped nurse her sensitive older twin back from heartache many times before but this time was different.
Sara's comforting touch was now laced with hope. The hope that Tegan might fully love and devote herself to Sara. She wanted her heart for her and her alone but Tegan's heart was always busy. Always chasing someone, always falling in love with some girl or losing interest only to start it all over again with someone new.
Sara had really hoped that it was their timing that had been the issue. If Tegan wasn't with the girl she had pursued for years, Sara hoped their relationship might take flight. And tonight it was all coming together. Tegan was in Montreal alone with Sara. Lindsey had broken up with Tegan and now Tegan was literally in Sara's lap. A grin began forming on Sara's face as she contemplated this and she bit on her lower lip hoping to conceal the happiness exuding from her face. Tegan's next words made her smile completely disappear though.
"Fuck! I need to win her back. And fuck Jaime! Don't worry though. Lindsey's not like mad at you for me coming here with you. She said some bullshit about how I chose music over her and her stupid fucking friend Jaimie is like in her ear fuckin' telling her I'm not like committed to our relationship. And then she was pissed off about me cancelling the plans last minute and it's like we already talked about that at the ai-"
"Wait! Who was pissed off? Lindsey or Jaime?" Sara wanted to know.
"Uh, they both were pissed off but I meant Lindsey. She's like 'why'…she's like 'is this how it's going to be if we keep dating', like me cancelling on her n shit ya know like last minute? And…oh! Yeah, she can't do long distance relationships. 'It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.' And just…yeah."
"Wow."
Tegan continued telling Sara but her focus mostly stayed on the ceiling hoping she might find the answers in the void of anything remarkable up there. "I know right?! She sounded pretty sick of long distance relationships."
"Already?! Jesus! You guys have only been dating a few months". Speaking down at her older twin, Sara's right hand moved to curl around Tegan's shoulder and bring her an inch closer.
"I know! I know! I told her 'this is how it works' but…" The pair glanced at each other as Tegan trailed off and they gave each other a knowing look with matching smirks before Sara confirmed what they had both been thinking "Not many people know long distance relationships like us. We have like black belts in them."
"Uh, I'm single now. They took my belt away." Tegan said this with an exaggerated sad voice and face for comic effect. Her humor wasn't lost on Sara and she got a chuckle from her audience of one.
"Hah, me too. Me too." She shook Tegan a few times on her shoulder and was giddy inside as she felt Tegan was going back to being happy about her breakup with Lindsey. Although sometimes it was hard to tell the true feelings of her older sister who would always go for a joke especially a self-deprecating one even when she was really sad and hurting inside.
She just hoped Tegan would stop talking about winning Lindsey back. Maybe the twins would both be single at the same time and focus on music which would make Tegan really happy and they could continue their focus on each other which would make Sara really happy.
Tegan's life was always like a powder keg and full of interesting, wild things but it also was filled with high highs and low lows. That same sort of manic then depressive behavior had already been manifesting in her own life ever since Sara's breakup with Emy then again with Annie and in the months of unbearable anguish she had endured before she finally confessed her feelings to Tegan.
It scared Sara to think what might result when their combined current volatile energies collided if they were to continue their illicit affair. Although she didn't want the tears but knew they'd be sure to follow, knowing that she was in store for a wild, passionate adventure with her best friend helped to ease her anxiety about the situation. And just when she thought Tegan had given up on Lindsey, Sara felt her body tense up and she sucked in a deep breath before she excitedly asked Sara a series a questions.
"Like do you know how it feels to want someone and chase them and then oh?! And then you stop talking for a little bit then you cool off and start talking to that person again and then miraculously, fucking miraculously you're able to get the girl? You score the girl of your dreams. And then you get into a fight over some dumb shit and she's gone again out of your life?"'
"Tegan, that's what happened to me with you." Her right hand currently was cradling Tegan's right cheek and jaw and although Tegan was still staring at the ceiling, Sara made sure to look her in the face when she said it. Her hand felt the smile form on Tegan's face and she watched her turn to her left and up to meet Sara's brown eyes with a sheepish look adorning her face.
"I…I guess that's true. Didn't really…think about it that way." She kept her gaze on Sara giving her a look of shared understanding. Both sisters understood wanting, chasing after and losing their dream girls all too well and this was acknowledged with two smiles that reached to their brown eyes above.
"Except me an' you got into a tiff, right? Not a fight?" Sara teasingly wondered.
"Exactly! It's pretty much the same thing except me an' you got into a little tiff-"
"Over a liiittle misunderstanding" Sara interrupted with another grin plastered to her face that would soon disappear.
"Yep! A little tiff over a little misunderstanding and me an' Linds got into a full blown fight. Like I hope…I hope I can win her back. Do you think I can?"
"Tegan, I wasn't on the phone with her and she's not my girlfriend but you pulled off the impossible dating her anyway so why should one little tiff or even one huge fight stop you from getting her back?" These weren't the words Sara wanted coming out of her mouth yet there they were.
Everything about her behavior since their fight had puzzled her and she just chalked it up to the twin's fiery argument ending the mostly pleasant interactions they'd had the last two days. The truth was that she was acting like a sister in that moment. Tegan wanted Lindsey back and Sara was trying to help her accomplish that. She knew women well and how to woo them. A dramatic gesture like getting on a plane and flying across the country to be with the one you love often did the trick.
Offering more words of support and encouragement that continued to shock the person whose lips they left, Sara continued her pep talk. "Go get her then! You hopped a plane to get her once. If you really love her and want her to stay with you then do it again. Go get her back!"
Although Sara was seemingly giving Tegan advice for how to land Lindsey, she was really just telling her what she hoped Tegan would do with Sara. Chase after her and fight for her.
There was nothing quite like being the object of Tegan's affections. Would Tegan fight for Sara or Lindsey? Sara's heart began beating faster thinking about this and when she stroked Tegan's hair again, she was hoping it would help to soothe herself just as much as Tegan.
"Really?! You think I should? You won't be pissed? Me just leaving here tonight? I mean if she would even consider taking me back, you'd be like-"
"Tonight? You're gonna get a flight that quick?" She had instantly and completely regretted suggesting that Tegan try to win back her girlfriend. Sara's secret getaway with Tegan was ending just as soon as it had begun. Even worse was that they might be reconciling again which Sara knew all too well could mean either disaster for a relationship or the speed bump early on in a relationship that actually ends up strengthening the bond of the partners. Everything was up in the air tonight and she anxiously awaited to see how things would shake out.
"Well the whole point is to make it to that fucking stupid Thanksgiving dinner in San Diego…which starts at like 4pm or they eat dinner at 4pm. I remember Linds last week saying 'we have to be there at 4pm' so yeah I'd get on the earliest flight I could get. Tonight. Tomorrow morning. Whatever."
Already imagining that Tegan would be gone and away from her touch within a few hours, Sara's left hand began to meander and caress Tegan's stomach. "I'll be sad but I want you to be happy. I would do it for my girlfriend…if I had one. And you'll be back right? Maybe around Christmas or New Year's? You can come back for a few days. We'll drink the champagne like we said we would."
"Fuck! That's right! Your…your dinner. I'll be gone." Tegan was quite upset when she realized she'd be missing out on the special dinner Sara was planning on making with ingredients she had had already picked out and purchased. "You already bought the food n everything. It's gonna go to waste."
"It's fine. It's…I'll…I have friends n people to call. I'll call people and the food will get eaten. Worse comes to worse, I freeze it and eat it later." Just when Sara was almost done talking, Tegan's stomach growled loud enough that they both heard it.
"Want a sandwich? I got turkey meat at the store today an' ya know we didn't really have a proper dinner."
"Nah, I'm not hungry. I mean my…my body is obviously hungry but my mind, like I am not hungry. I…I just want Lindsey back. I don't want me an' her to end it like this. I want…I mean if she's going to break up with me or whatever then I want her to have to look me in the eyes an' tell me to my face. It's too easy on the phone for her. And besides…" Tegan took in a large breath only to let it out in a defeated sigh which conflicted with her following words "I won her back once, I think I can do it again. What do you think?" She turned to look over at Sara who shook her head back at her.
Being extra cautious with her words this time and consciously making them less about encouraging Tegan to win back Lindsey and more about hoping to see where her sister's heart truly belonged to, Sara answered the question after a beat or two "Tegan. I…I already told you what I think. If you want her back then go get her back."
"Ok, I'm gonna call mum real quick an' see what she thinks. See if she thinks I should fly back to L.A. or what. And then call Linds n see if…if it's worth it. If she'll take me back ya know? And then if a fucking miracle happens then I pay through the fucking nose for a direct flight on fucking Thanksgiving. This shit will cost me so much money but fuck! If I get her back then…then it's worth it. "
The call with Sonia must have gone better than Sara had imagined because when Tegan emerged from Sara's room with the portable phone asking if she wanted to talk to Sonia, Tegan was actually smiling quite a bit. Certainly more than Sara who declined speaking to her mum with a flick of one arm that quickly reached back down to the laptop which had started to slide off the throw pillow on her lap it was resting on.
Twice more that evening Tegan would emerge from Sara's bedroom with the portable phone in her hand and she came past the dining room through the walkway near the front door and into the living room where Sara lay on the couch to deliver news she was all too happy to share.
The first time she announced that although Lindsey wanted to still go slow with their relationship, Tegan and Lindsey were back to being a couple and Tegan would book a flight to LAX once she got off the phone. That was not the exact truth as Tegan first excitedly told Sara that she had reconciled with Lindsey and was going to fly back to be with her on the first flight she could.
The second time that Tegan came out of Sara's room, it crushed Sara even more for some reason even though the news from her older twin's lips was so mundane. After a few minutes when Tegan sat back down on the couch and let her head slide into Sara's lap again, it was then that she realized it was because the news made it all too real. Air Canada's flight was at 9:55am the next day and would cost Tegan $728.
She would leave Sara and that's all that really mattered. What made it worse was that Sara had actually suggested it and encouraged her sister to do the one thing that was currently crushing her heart. She had to conceal these emotions and was grateful that stroking Tegan's hair was still providing a calming, soothing feeling throughout her body.
When Tegan's stomach growled again and Sara offered to make them a sandwich, she cheerfully accepted this time explaining that unlike earlier, her nerves were calm now and she was finally hungry. Tegan lifted her head up from Sara's lap waiting for her to get up off the couch towards the kitchen then she positioned the throw pillow against an armrest laying back down onto the couch pleasantly feeling the warmth Sara's body had left behind.