Act 1 Scene 10

Umbridge: Alright children, have fun in Hogsmeade. (kids cheer and run away) Oh and don't get killed by Sirius Black.

"Of course she would. Our safety is always second to her perfection."

"You know the Ministry is lucky Sirius wasn't really a murderer because I would have been dead before even getting to Hogwarts."

"Really?"

"Yup, he was in his dog form and was watching Privet Drive from some bushes. It was before the Knight Bus came."

"Yeah, I guess we are lucky Sirius was innocent."

Whew, Momma sure does have some mischievous little scamps, doesn't she Big D?

Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.

"EW!" The students were all laughing and making faces. Dumbledore was blushing and was mortified while Snape looked torn between disgust and amusement and satisfaction.

Umbridge: Dumbledore? You sent me the Snap Dragons didn't you?

Dumbledore: Oh yeah.

Umbridge: That was so sweet.

Dumbledore: Well I am the Headmaster. It's my job to make all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. So what do you say Umbridge? How about we hop on a good foot and head down to the Three Broomsticks and I will treat you to a traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shot?

Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off of all the new teachers?

Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones.

Umbridge: Huh! Dumbledore, you make me blush.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"I think we are all agree with that assessment."

Dumbledore: Oh yeah? (singing) I bet that you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things.

Umbridge: (singing) I'm sure that you've got all the girls to beg you for their wedding rings.

Dumbledore: What? I like your twisted humor!

Umbridge: I like you mystic rumors.

Together: I'd say we can assume we're gonna get along.

Umbridge: You're not like average Joe's or Jim's or Tim's or John's.

Dumbledore: And I'd wager that you'd never run from danger with those muscles made of bronze. I can safely shout, without a doubt, that it won't take very long…

Together: Before we're getting, and not regretting, ever setting on getting along!

Dumbledore: Oh right this way Umbridge.

Umbridge: Oh my! What a fancy place.

Waiter: Oh, look at these strapping young gentlemen. What'll it be Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Just the Welcome-to-Hogwarts special.

Waiter: Ah! Two body shots coming right up.

Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is so crazy.

Dumbledore: Oh I'm full of crazy ideas. Oh hey, by the way Umbridge, have you ever tried Gillyweed? We can have some of this and take a dip in our hidden swimming pool.

"When we get back, we are so going swimming!"

"I'm in."

"When do you plan on doing this you five?"

"Marauders' Map, Invisibility Cloak and years of sneaking around we can do it whenever."

Umbridge: Hidden swimming pool, where's that?

Dumbledore: On Cloud 9 baby. On Cloud 9! Ah ha! (do the completely gay and funny dance we all love)

"Oh hell this is hilarious!"

"I wonder if they are good friends?"

"Probably, they look way to comfortable doing this to not be. Hey Potter, maybe you and Weasley would like to re-enact some of your scenes for us?"

"Not on your life Malfoy, but then again…"

"Fine, singing is enough."

Dumbledore: You are a beautiful sample, for example my gosh, you're so strong! What's the matter with me?

Umbridge: Oh you're just flattering me!

Together: Oh how we're both just getting along.

Umbridge: I've never felt this way before…

Dumbledore: Felt how?

Umbridge: Um, intimidated?

Umbridge: You have such prominence and poise!

Dumbledore: Oh that old thing! Baby, it's just me Dumbledore. So just try to relax, face the facts-you'll feel just like one of the boys!

Umbridge: One of the boys? I do?

"I love how they both think two completely different things."

"Dumbledore thinks he's in for a man and is gonna get a woman."

Dumbledore: Oh you sure do baby! Ha-ha!

Umbridge: Dumbledore! Yes sir, you're the one professor that'd I'd want detention from.

Dumbledore: Umbridge, you're the handsome wizard that'd I'd want an extension from! (Umbridge: And you'd get it too.) I'll get the door.

Umbridge: Oh you'll get much more…

Together: Either way we can't go wrong with how shamelessly and how famously we're both just getting along.

Umbridge: Dumbledore, before we go any further, there's a confession I want to make.

Dumbledore: Oh yeah?

Umbridge: I've never been with a man before.

Dumbledore: Oh you're first time with a man can be very scary. Mine certainly was but Grindelwald just took my hand and said, -Relax Dumby, we cool and go with the flow. You know?-

"Holy shit! Isn't that the wizard you defeated the first time?"

"Yes, it is Ronald." Dumbledore looked conflicted, remembering those times. Before it had gotten out of hand, they were some of his best memories of his childhood.

Umbridge: Dumbledore, you know just what to say to make me feel magical. Most guys don't understand me at all.

Dumbledore: Well, uh, I think we understand each other perfectly Mr. Umbridge.

Together: Oh, we'd be get-get-getting, we'll be get-get- getting, getting ALONG!

"A whole video dedicated the Albus and Dolores romance, sorry Professor but I'm curious as to how this plays out now."

"It's alright Harry, I'm interested myself as Dolores and I have never been on good terms, even when she walked Hogwarts' walls for seven years."