Weeks had passed, graduation was just days away. I wasn't nervous really, I was just scared of what would happen next. A job? A boyfriend? College? My life was planned out, but my plan and the chemist's was not matching up. I began realizing that I had prepared myself for nothing. It was childish to do all of this, the chemist was dead to me now, but I had a feeling that one day she might come back...how long could my blood lust be dismissed?
And how much longer could I go without feeling Red Mist's hands on me? He had been a saving grace for me. If I knew what love was, I'm sure that I would feel it towards him, but alas...I had no heart, mine was artificial, made of polymers and steel, forcing my blood through my veins, I was a broken human, an efficient machine.
But life went on despite being conflicted and terrified about the future. Graduation was three hours long, Kimmie Nika White's name was called, and everyone politely clapped as I walked with heavy feet across the stage. With every footstep I saw myself and the chemist split apart more and more. Her body next to mine felt more real than I did at that moment. I was the ghost, and she was real life.
As I grabbed my diploma, my picture was snapped with the head of the school board, a close family friend, a gemstone bracelet shined in the light on my wrist, and the red and white gown fluttered in the night air on the football field. The chemist was gone, and all that was left was Kimmie Nika White, alone, but surrounded by classmates that had no idea that she had ever existed.
This life that I had lived, my high school years, they were a sham. I was a loser.
An hour later I was sitting in my black skinny jeans and yellow and black flannel belted shirt. I had black and yellow shoes to match. I had been invited to Chris's graduation party, the alcohol flowed like the river Jordan, and weed was plentiful. Who knew that Chris was so 'well connected'...see what I did there? I made a joke about Chris's dead father, wow, I'm a bitch.
"Hey Kimmie, I'm so glad you came!" Chris yelled over the music, thrash metal...really?
"I wouldn't miss it for the world man!" I yelled back as I stood and gave him a hug.
"You look beautiful Kim." he said into my ear.
I looked to him and blushed heavily, it had been a while since someone had said that.
We walked around dodging the Jager bombs, and skunk like fumes from illicit substances. The evening was going well until something in me clicked. I hated these people, they had treated me like a freak, a disease, like I was a broken shattered Image of my prior self. I was done with this bullshit. I got up and walked out. I made it all the way to the elevator, the doors opened and then I heard a voice.
"I knew sooner or later you would want to leave." Chris's voice rang out, echoing in my head.
"I'm sorry Chris...but I hate these people...I have lived my life in the shadows of our schools social life. I'm not meant for parties, and getting wasted...I have other things that need me." I concluded.
The air was quiet.
"I'm really not like them either, I guess I'm more like you, but people rarely see that. All they see is a kid whose drug dealer dad was shot out of a window by a bazooka. They think I'm acting out by having these parties, I get the drugs, and I get the alcohol, but there are other things to me...things that they will never see. Other things that need me..." he said as he slipped his hand over my shoulder.
We stood there for a few minuets, I felt the other side of him, I could feel his anger and pain, I could see the hurt, but I could also see the broken individual before me. He spoke so quietly, so concisely, but I could tell that his gentle manner was just a load of shit. I knew something was up.
"What aren't you telling me about yourself? About your family?" I asked, unafraid of the consequences.
"So much, there is just so much I wish I could tell you...but I really am sworn to secrecy." he said, his voice was different now, it was hard, cold, angry, but void of heat. It was a cold anger, the kind that never really leaves you.
"You want to hit up Atomic?" he asked in his real voice, the cold one.
"Yea, sure..." I said back.
Chris and I were one of the same, the anger, the rage, it was fluid in us, it was part of the fabric of our personalities, and would never ever go away.
Over the night the guilt welled up in me, and the promise that I had made broke under the weight of need.
"I have to go...I can't tell you why, but I just do." is what I said to him, tears in my eyes.
"I know Kimmie." he said in an eerie and understanding way...like he knew.
I ran out of Atomic, leaving behind my anger and rage, piling it on the chair across from Chris. I left him, hating myself, but I left hoping one day I could tell him.
I cursed as I tore off my flannel, exposing a black and white body suit...