Chapter 10

The letter arrived in the rare second post that arrived in poplar London, on a blowy Wednesday morning.

It arrived on an even rarer occasion - on a day when both Julienne and Bernadette were off.

They had planned to go into town that day. It had been a weird few weeks and while neither of them were materialistic, a spot of retail therapy and some lunch might be just the ticket to shake away their blues. Oxford Street was calling.

"It is not often these days you get a hand addressed envelope in the post," said Julienne as she brought the post through to the living room. "You lucky thing."

Bernie laughed at her mother as she stood at the breakfast bar, drinking her milky tea.

"Are Auntie Evie and Chummy going to meet us in town?" she asked as she took the envelope.

"That is what the two of them said and we had better get our skates on if we are going to meet them in time - and you know what Evangelina is like."

Even though the four of them were meeting for something fun, she was not going to approve if they were late.

Shelagh laughed at the truth of the statement as she took the letter out of the envelope and begun to read.

"Oh my god." She was never one to take the Lord name in vain… but when the situation arose…

X x x

"Do you remember the mother?" Julienne asked.

As soon as she had realised what her daughter had in her hands, she had asked if rather than going out to the shops, Evangelina could come to the two of them. Chummy could have come as well, but when she had heard what had gone on she decided to give them a little space. Retail therapy was no longer going to work and Shelagh had to work out just what she was going to do.

Evangelina nodded. "She was just a slip of a girl – thought she was doing the right thing and she was. I will never forget how shell shocked the whole thing made her though."

She had seemed as if she was trying to detach from the situation and maybe she was. But she couldn't.

"But I do remember that Bernadette's father was there for her – not many dads would turn up at the maternity hospital in those days – especially not the unmarried ones - but he did." She admitted with mixed approval.

"I do not know if I am so very grateful for her for getting in touch so we have time to do something about it if or if I am angry with her for only making contact now."

"There is no room for anger in this situation," Evangelina reminded Julienne.

She could see where the feeling was coming from, of course she could. And if it was Chummy then maybe she would feel different.

God knows the mama bear in her had come out to protect her baby more than once since she had moved into her and Fred's house.

And it was probably going to come out again.

But there was no room for anger here. Elsie Carson was trying to do the right thing. She had not asked to meet Shelagh by the sounds of it, but offered to meet her on the strict condition it was what she wanted. She had merely sent the letter as more of as a health check so that she could live a long and happy life.

Evangelina wasn't sure she did not commend her for that. It would have been easy for her to sit on that information for fear that she was going to get hate directed at her at a time when she really did not need it.

But she had not.

Evangelina took her cup of tea and went over to where her niece was sitting once more in her father's arm chair. Julienne smiled softly to herself. It was always going to Charles' chair but if they were not careful; then they were going to have to rename it as Bernadette's chair. She had a feeling her husband was going to like that, doting on his child as he always had done.

"How are you doing, poppet?" Evangelina's asked, used a term of endearment she had not for a long time. Not since Bernie was a very small girl.

It did its job and raised a smile.

"I do not know how I am doing if the truth is known. You know I have been thinking more and more about my biological parents lately but it was all with the provision I had all the time in the world to find them and that I did not have to rush into any of this for fear I was making a mistake. But now I find out if I do wait it for too long – I might miss the out altogether."

"No one likes to be under pressure – and I would do anything to stop you from being under it now."

Bernadette smiled. "I know you would. But that is the auntie in you talking. What does the toughest midwife in poplar say?"

"That the poor woman who wrote that letter doesn't matter. We need to get you booked into see if you have the gene."

Shelagh sighed. That was the last thing on her mind.

Her chance of getting the disease did not seem to rank right then alongside with the fact the women who brought her into the world did have it.

"She stayed with him you know. My father – natural father – and my mother stayed together. I do not know if that makes it all better or worse!" She said before she shook her head. The adoption had been the right thing. And she understood. She always had done and she was not going to let the fact she had been a little spooked lately change that.

"No. No, I do know for a fact it makes it better actually." The fact they had always had each other made it much better.

As she got back into her right frame of mind about it all and away from the slight hysteria which was in her, she realised one thing. For the first time it occurred to her she must have been conceived in love.

She had thought about the way she had been conceived more than once over the years. It would be a lie to say it hadn't played on her mind.

It wasn't something any one liked to think about much – as it did of course involve your parents doing 'it' – but when those parents were off the scene and faceless, it came down to the mechanics of it more.

She had wondered if it was just a quick stupid fumble. If there had been force involved and she was the hated result. Or if it had been two young sweethearts who had got unlucky.

The last one she had hoped for and it seemed to be the one she had got.

"It does. I delivered you; I have told you that before haven't I?"

Bernadette nodded.

"And I said at the time I was not going to tell you any more than that as neither of us needed you to know any more. You said you wished her well, but that you never felt angry at her as what she did meant you got sent here to your mum and dad."

The reminded of those words and the letter on the page, along with the truth of what she was learning helped to untangle all the ifs and the buts she had been feeling since her mother's birthday… since she had been stupid enough to let Jenny's words get into her head.

"But if you think it would help now for me to tell you a bit more about your mother and father then I will. I do not know if I can tell you much more than her letter already has – but if you want me too I will try."

X x x

My dearest Shelagh,

My name is Elsie Carson. I am 46 years old. I work as a Secretary to an American lady. And I have, as you have worked out by now, no idea how to write or frame a letter such as this one.

I do not know if my name is known to you already – but just in case it is not, I will state simply I am your birth mother. I am the one who gave you up for adoption twenty eight years ago. I am the one who has missed you your entire life.

Maybe you think I have no right to write that – god knows I don't. But it is the truth.

As to why I am writing to you now and not before – please do not hate me – but I have recently found out I have breast cancer. They caught it early and with the wonders of medical science and gods will, I have been reassured there is a good chance I will recover.

I am not asking for anything – no visit, no last minute reunion – but I do ask this – go and get yourself checked out, if that is what you want. Your health matters to me – it is of paramount important to me.

All that said, please don't think me cold. I enclose our address and telephone number. If ever you need me, or want to see me, or your father, who I ended up marrying in the end – call us. Without hesitation. No matter the time of day.

I don't know how much of us you wish to know – but I feel urged to tell you, you've two brothers and a sister too. They came along all at least eight years after you. It was a different decade, a different time – your father and I were ready and settled enough to cope with a baby. Please don't think I am trying to excuse what we did, though maybe I am trying to explain it. Just know giving you up was the hardest thing your father and I have ever had to do, from that day to this. Writing this letter has rivalled it and I wish I knew I had picked my words carefully enough.

But just in case I don't get any more – and who knows this letter may not even find you – let me state that sweetheart, I love you. I always have from the day I knew you were inside me and will continue to do so long after I am gone from this world to the next.

You are my baby and I have prayed for you daily.

All my love for always.

X x x

"She didn't sign it," said Bernadette as she showed Evangelina. There was no name at the bottom of the page. Just the declaration of love for her.

"Well no – I wonder she did not know how to sign it off. Elsie Carson is too formal but she can't very well say 'from mum' – Julienne is your mum."

Bernadette nodded. And softly agreed, "she is." And she was always, always going to be.

But there was no doubt the letter had piqued her curiosity. And then there was the concern. Mum or not, this was the woman who had carried her and brought her into the world.

"Siblings… it seemed I just came at the wrong time."

"I think so – even when they were young you could tell Charles and Elsie were very devoted to each other."

"Charles?" Bernadette asked with a raised eye brow. Evangelina nodded, wishing she had delivered the news a little more softly.

She had been so focused on the mothers she had not giving too much thought to the similarity between her fathers.

"Yes – no matter who your father is, he is called Charles."

Bernadette nodded as she felt a pair of hands slide on to her shoulder. She kissed her mother's hand.

"How are you, my lamb?"

"My head is spinning – but I do not think there is too much time for that."

"Whatever you want to do I am going to support you."

"And that is the only reason I can do any of this."

She turned. "Aunt Evangelina tell me about my mother – I think I should know something about her before we meet."

X x x

"Your mother looks as if she is in hell at the moment," John said as he looked out the window to the Carson's garden. Anna's parents were out there together looking at the roses the two of them had tended and grown that season. They were beautiful, colourful and stood proudly. They had done well.

"She is waiting for a reply from my sister. I do not think she thought she was doing the right thing even as she put the letter in the post."

"But she had to let her know so –"

"The medical part of this is the least of her worries. No, I think mum is absolutely sure she did the right thing when it comes to letting her know she has to get herself to the hospital. But whether she was right to put all the other stuff in the letter she really isn't sure."

Thomas was not that concerned about his elder sister, the distant figure that she was. As far as he was concerned she had her own family to look out for her and the five of them had enough troubles at the moment without worrying too much about her. William as well, while being slightly more concerned about Shelagh, was more concerned about the impact which the stress was having on their mother at a time when she simply did not need it.

Anna, on the other hand, along with her father had been the one to proof the letter before it went.

She had always wondered about her sister ever since she had been told of her existence and that was when she had been young. Her parents had wanted nothing more than for there never to be any surprise reveals when they were adults. The trust between the family was absolute to them – and so the kids had had to know every as soon as they were old enough to understand.

They had all reacted in different ways. Thomas had spent his youth wondering if one day his father was going to regret the fact he had given up the wrong child. Anna had been angry for a while she had been stuck with the dumb boys when she could have been with her big sister. William had asked if they could not simply go and get her back when he had heard about what they had done.

There had been different levels of understanding at different ages. But as a result of the way they had handled it: Shelagh had never been a dirty secret in the house. She had simply been another member of the family who was far away.

"She had to put it in," John Bates said knowing. To send just a message telling her to get to the hospital would have been more heartless.

"I know – but mum has always felt she gave up her right to put what she did in the letter long ago. And it went against her conscience to say them, even in this circumstance."

"Cancer does not take account of conscience." Said John sadly. "But maybe this will be her silver lining." He said with hope.

There had to be some good come out of all of this.

"I hope so," Anna nodded. She couldn't bear to think of all the suffering and all the worry that was going to infect their lives without some good coming out of it.

John pushed a kiss to her forehead and for just a moment she allowed his love to shut everything else out. As long as she had him, she could support the rest of the family. That she vowed.

X x x

For a long time the three midwives stayed talking, and they seemed to go round and round in circles.

The first point which the two elder were very clear on making was that no matter what came next, it was no one's choice but Bernadette's.

The second was that even now she did not have to rush into anything which she felt she was not ready for.

But the letter had changed everything for her.

She thought it was odd in that moment – how words on a piece of paper could change your life but they really did have the power to do that.

She knew it now.

"I think I know what I want to do – what I have to do –"

So when Evangelina was gone and with her mother making there dinner in the background, she sat down at the kitchen table, picked up her pen and begun to write…

Dear Elsie…

Please review!