For Marti

o10o

Upon blinking his eyes, he found that the light of heaven or the beyond was actually just a very annoying hospital light situated above his head. Now that he was conscious, he could hear the irritating beep of the machine, stating that he was indeed alive. Blinking at the incessant light shining in his eyes, he tipped his head down to stop it from giving him a headache. By doing so, he allowed himself to see the room he was lying in. Sitting in a chair beside his bed, with her head beside his hand, was a sleeping Casey MacDonald. Staring at her, he felt something hard rise into his throat. She apparently hadn't changed, as she was dressed in a lot of his blood.

Hearing a noise, he glanced up to see Sam standing in the doorway, holding a styrofoam cup of coffee. He breathed a sigh of relief and Derek was almost completely sure that there were tears shining in his eyes. He almost ran to the other side of the bed, staring down at him in shock. "You're awake," he said, his voice a choked whisper.

"How long have I been out?" he wondered, frowning.

Lifting his arm, he stared down at his watch. "Uh, I picked Casey up from Emily's at like one, so you've been out for thirteen hours. Four of that involved doctors trying to resuscitate you," he informed him. "The rest you've just been recuperating."

"Have you been here the whole time?" he asked, noticing his voice was dry and croaky.

Sam nodded, putting his coffee down on the end table and grabbing a paper cup before he hurried to the bathroom to fill it with water. He brought it back to Derek to help his sore throat and then glanced at Casey who was still fast asleep. "I called Emily earlier to make sure she could watch Marti and tell her that you were all right," he told him. "I tried to get Casey to go home and change but she refused to." Shaking his head, he let out a strangled noise. "You scared the hell out of us."

Nodding, Derek looked down, feeling ashamed. "I'm sorry," he told him, feeling rather uncomfortable. "I- I didn't mean for it to go that far. I just- I was confused and really pissed off."

"You should've called me, or talked to Casey, or just- Something other than what you did," Sam told him, closing his eyes and inhaling shakily. "God when Emily called, I- I was so worried that I actually started running to your house before I realized I had a car," he told him. Grabbing a chair, he sat down beside him and ran his hands over his face. He let out a sad sigh, before his eyes focused on Casey. "She was laying there in Emily's arms, not moving or talking, it almost looked like she was the one who... died. I just picked her up and put her in the car, acting like the more responsible one. And she just sat there, staring out the window, silently crying," he told him, in a shocked whisper. "She noticed that I was crying but not making any noise or saying anything and made a comment about how if men were able to talk more she wouldn't find them bleeding and dying."

Derek's eyes had moved away from Sam to stare at Casey, her eyes looked puffy as if she had been crying in her sleep. He hated himself for causing her the pain and shock she must've been going through. He wanted to reach out and make her feel better, to reassure her that he was fine, but he didn't. He couldn't.

"She told me you finally admitted you loved her," he said, quietly. "Nice timing, by the way."

Shaking his head, Derek sighed. "I really thought it was the last time I'd ever see her," he admitted, sadly. "I didn't want to... I wanted her to know that I didn't hate her, but actually felt the complete opposite of that. I just wanted her to know that she meant something to me and I wasn't doing it to hurt or abandon her." Feeling his eyes fill up, Derek closed them to stop the emotion he didn't want Sam to see. "I've loved her for so long," he said with a sad chuckle. "I was so afraid that she'd never know."

Sam nodded, silently. There was a long pause then, where Derek tried to get his emotions under control and Sam tried to let him think that he hadn't noticed his out of character show of care.

"You mother was here," Sam told him, looking back over at his face. "She said some things and in the end Casey slapped her and told her that not only was she not allowed near you but the next time she saw Marti it would be during a custody battle at court."

Sighing, Derek half smirked. "I told her to leave the country not go to court," he said with a snicker. "But she can't do anything that isn't right and legal."

"What's going to happen now?" Sam wondered, sighing. "I mean, are you and Casey really going to battle your mom for custody of Marti."

"I didn't think she'd even want Marti," he admitted, his eyes staring far off. "She was never really a motherly woman. She just sort of yelled at us when it was needed and ignored us the rest of the time."

"But will the court allow you, at eighteen years old, to take care of a six year old kid?" Sam asked, rationally.

"I can't let her raise Marti, she'll kill her spirit," Derek said, stiffly. "I'm her brother, I've practically been raising her anyway. Dad was always too busy and mom... never cared. Nora was there and she helped, but I was the one who taught her the alphabet, who played princess with her, and helped her with her school work. I taught her what one plus one was, and how to brush her teeth, and I even helped her get over the 'What's under the bed?' fear she had for awhile." Shaking his head, his face darkened. "I'm not going to let Abby ruin her by setting down rules and regulations for every little thing. Not letting her enjoy herself, or taking her to the beach, or making her pancakes. I don't care what it takes, I'm going to make sure that Marti stays with me."

"This may not look good for you though, D," Sam reminded, moving his hands around. "You're listed as trying to commit suicide, they're not going to want to give you a kid."

"I'll explain myself, see a shrink, whatever. I'll prove to them that I can raise her, that I'm not incapable of being there. Look, I admit I made a mistake, but I'm not suicidal. I was just messed up, but I'm over it. Kind of," Derek said, sounding rather defeated. "Anybody in my position would likely do the same," he reminded, shaking his head. "I was just too overwhelmed with things, but I think I can handle it now."

Sam nodded, he seemed to know that it was a subject Derek wasn't very interested in talking about. Instead, his eyes darting down to the brunette beside him. "She hasn't eaten," he told him. "I tried to get her to eat something earlier, after the doctor told us that you had made it through and they stabilized you. But she kept saying that she had eaten before it all happened and that she wasn't hungry."

Derek sighed, frowning down at her. "I don't want to wake her up." Swallowing, he shook his head. "How disappointed in me do you think she is?"

"I don't think she is," Sam told him, shaking his head. "I think she was just worried. She might yell or scream when she wakes up, but I think she understands why you did it. It just hurt her to think of losing you too."

"I really thought I was gone," Derek told him, his hand lightly running over her hair as it splayed over his leg. "I had all of these memories flashing in my mind and there was this corny white light going on," he said with a snort. "But then I realized I was just passed out in a hospital bed."

"I'm glad you didn't die," Sam said, quietly. "Well, actually you did, twice, but you came back," he told him, smiling a little. "I don't know what would've happened if you were gone too."

"Girls would mourn forever and a hockey stadium would be named after me," he tried to joke.

"You're like my brother," Sam told him, seriously. "I've known you so long, that you're like my only real family." Inhaling deeply, he shook his head and closed his eyes. "We were five Derek, when we met," he reminded, his voice cracked and emotional. "I've known you for thirteen years, that's like Edwin's entire life," he said, letting out a shuddering breath.

"And when we pulled up to the Hospital, I could see it in Casey. She was sure- Sure that she had lost you, that you were dead. And all I could think was that you were pissed off because you lost your brother and you dad, but what about me? I was losing a brother right that minute and it wasn't because of some guy driving drunk. It was because you didn't care enough about the people who were still alive to stick around. You committed suicide because the rest of us weren't good enough for you," he told him, letting out a sob. Wiping his face, he glanced up at him, annoyed with himself for being emotional. "And you can laugh right now, you can tell me to stop being a sap, but I don't care. Because I could've lost my best friend today and he was too fucking stupid to realize that there is no Sam without Derek."

Swallowing, he wiped his eyes again and let out a snort. "Do you remember the pledge we made when we were nine?" Derek didn't reply right away, so he went on to recite it. "Derek Venturi and Sam James do swear to always be best friends. Or at least until they die in a really, really bloody hockey accident. And they'll always hang out at the park, 'cause it's their favorite place, 'cause it's where they met. And no matter what anybody says, they'll play on a pro hockey team together. Brothers for life." He chuckled, his tears still falling, but now quietly.

"I- I'm really sorry," Derek told him, shaking his head. "I wasn't thinking and I never meant to make people think that they weren't just as important as my dad and Ed," he said, quietly. "You, Casey, and Marti, you're all my family," he admitted, nodding. "Well Casey's not in that way that would make it gross for me to love her. Besides Marti, you're the closest thing I've got to living family right now." Reaching out, he shoved Sam's shoulder. "I messed up, I didn't think. But you are my brother, Sam, and you mean just as much as Ed and my dad do."

Nodding, Sam half smiled but didn't say anything right away. "Are you hungry? I could go get you something to eat," he offered. "I should probably call Emily too, she told me to let her know as soon as you woke up."

"Yeah," Derek replied, nodding. "I haven't had anything to eat since this morning."

"I'll be back in a little while then," he said, standing up. "There are some vending machines and a cafeteria that might be open on the first floor. Hopefully Emily will be too tired to ask a lot of questions and I can just tell her that you're awake and all right."

"Sure," Derek said, leaning back in the bed.

After Sam left, Derek watched Casey for a few minutes. He had lied slightly to Sam, he wasn't completely all right. He was still pretty messed up over losing his family, but he was sure that he wasn't going to cut himself up again. Lifting his arms, he untaped the gauze over them to peer inside at his carved up limbs. There were dark stitches holding the skin together, he could tell immediately that they would scar and the dark sadness inside of him was happy because of it. He had royally screwed up, but in some weird way it kind of needed to happen. While he was still hurting over his family, he had managed to scare himself enough to snap him out of his depression, and though he'd never recommend it, he wouldn't take it back. He would, however, take back the pain he had caused Casey.

Casey. A new problem all on its own. Yes, he had finally admitted he loved her, but what did that mean? He could see the brown stains of his life all over her skin, her clothes. He could remember the tears that had poured like her ocean eyes were emptying completely. He could see the pain etched into ever inch of her face and feel the way her body shook at knowing that he was bleeding to death right in front of her. It really wasn't a place to start a relationship, nor was it something he wanted her to remember him by. But he had said those words, he had admitted his feelings, he couldn't take that back now, could he?

It was stupid of him, he knew. To think that after all that had happened, he should try and push her away. But so many things made it more clear. She had told Abby that they were going to go to court in a custody battle. If the law wasn't on their side because he was eighteen and his mother was still alive, then they certainly wouldn't be after knowing he had committed suicide. He couldn't let Marti be raised by Abby and Casey likely wasn't willing to run away with him and Marti, making them out to be criminals and kidnappers. He couldn't give up his sister to his monster of a mother though; there was no way he'd allow it.

Then there was the added fact that Casey would likely never be able to get past seeing him lying in his own blood, being covered by it as she tried to help him. She would never be able to look at him without radiating some kind of pain. And for all he knew, she might just be humoring him and his feelings, feeling sorry for his depression and attempt on his life. So she'd submit to being with him for awhile, getting his hopes up without meaning to, trying to stave off the pain until he was well enough to be alone. He couldn't let that happen; he wouldn't be an interruption for her. He wanted to love her, to have her love him back. He wanted to kiss her without be yelled at or slapped. He wanted so much more than she was really willing to give him.

He was given a new chance at life and he wasn't going to mess it up. He loved Casey, more than he could imagine. But more than his feelings, more than whatever he wanted, he needed to make sure his little Smarti was taken care of. As her Smerek, he had to keep her from living the life he had with Abby. If that meant leaving the country, then so be it. A custody battle would only end badly and he couldn't let that happen. It was final then, after the funeral, he and Marti were going to leave. And as for Casey, well...

"You're awake," her soft voice ran over him like a piece of chocolate melting in his mouth. Warm, soothing, but leaving behind a need for more when it was gone. "I was so worried. I didn't know what to do so I went to Emily, and she called Sam." Tears slipped from her eyes, but he could tell that they were happy, not like the one's he had witnessed while she sat cradled in his arms at the house. "It's good to see you again, sans blood and tears," she told him, wiping her face with a chuckle. "There's- There's something I wanted to tell you."

Sam had already told him the whole story and he assumed she was just going to inform him of what happened between her and his mother. Swallowing, he stared into her beautiful blue eyes, only to say the hardest thing possible. "I- I don't love you," he told her, doing his best to keep his voice steady.

oTBCo

A/N Hi everybody! Really sorry that not only is this short, but that it's been so long since I posted. Six days, I think. Really sorry about that. I'll try and post another chapter soon. Forgive me, I've been bogged down with things.

"Why do you think he died?" He sat across from her, staring out in deep thought.

"Because a drunk driver hit him," she replied, callously. Twisting in her computer chair, she glared as she felt tears surface in her eyes.

"No," her father told her, shaking his head with remorse. "Because it was his time. Because there are forces that we can't control in this world."

"So his death was because of some force that nobody can control?" she asked, snorting. Wiping her tears, she shook her head. "I choose to stick with my reason."

"Sweetheart, there are times in our life that will always get us down," he said, shaking his head. "And for years, you are going to remember Thad. You are going to cry for him, you are going to wish that things were different and pray that you were either with him, or that he was with you. But you can't live a life wishing for things that won't happen." Sighing, he stared at her with a frown, trying to explain it to her. "You loved Thad, didn't you?"

"Of course I loved him, he was my best friend," she replied, her voice thick with tears.

"And I'm sure Thad loved you. Would he want you to live this life? Would he want you to cry it all away? To spend your days wishing things were different?" he wondered, already knowing the answer.

"What does it matter? He's not here," she replied, sniffling.

"No, he's not," he admitted, sadly, staring down for a moment. Lifting his eyes, he stared at her. "So shouldn't you do your best to live this life for him?" Reaching out, he patted her hand, unable to give her the understanding she so desperately needed. "I believe in God, and I believe in Heaven. I believe that your friend had gone on to a place that is much better than the one we're living in."

"I want him here with me," she breathed, unable to speak over the emotion caught in her throat.

"I know you do, but this is how it is," her dad said, shaking his head. "It hurts, it will for a long time. But think of it this way- that story you're writing, about the family that dies in a car accident. The one where readers say they can relate, that maybe you've even helped them because you understand. You wouldn't be able to write that if this didn't happen to you. You wouldn't be able to help them, if you didn't go through the same thing."

"I'd rather have Thad than a story," she replied, her damp eyes raising to stare at him angrily.

"From everything comes a gift," he told her, simply. "You may not see it that way, but they might."

Please review, thank you all for reading.

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