Chapter 10:

I was sitting on the couch, having a pity party, flipping through the channels on the T.V. looking for a distraction. It was difficult to focus on anything. I just let the images pass by quickly one after another trying not to think.

Just then my dad came through the door, back from Sue's. He'd been trying to spend a fair amount of time over there, to keep Sue company. The loss of her husband, Harry, was a painful reality for the family.

I got up to see if my dad needed a hand with anything when he tossed a folded up sheet of paper at me. "Here," was all he said.

I gave him a puzzled look but he said nothing more. I turned the paper over and saw my name written in a familiar hand. My heart stopped. I quickly turned away and went straight for my room. I knew I was going to need some privacy for this. I shut my bedroom door and sat on the edge of my bed. At some point my heart had restarted and now it was racing like it would jump from my chest. I just knew the words on this paper where not going to be easy ones to read.

I unfolded the paper with shaking hands and took a deep breath. I let my eyes focus on the words on the page and began to read what Bella had written.

Jacob,

I'm so sorry. I miss you. Please can't we still be friends? I need you. You promised. Please. Talk to me.

Bella

I felt a storm of emotions run through me. I could feel my body trembling in response. First it felt good to know that she missed me, that she needed me still in her life, even though she had him back. But then I felt rage. How, after everything we shared, could she expect us to be just friends? For the umpteenth time I felt cast aside, betrayed. The hole in my chest throbbed painfully. I wiped at my eyes and looked at the moisture on my fingers. I hadn't realized my eyes were tearing up.

I hated this. I felt so helpless. I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen to write a note back to Bella. I felt foolish. This was like the stupid kid stuff you did in elementary school.

At first I wrote about how asinine writing notes back and forth was and that if I wanted to talk to her I'd take her calls. But that seemed too harsh so I crossed it out. Then I wrote that she'd made her choice and she couldn't have us both, but that seemed mean too. I didn't want to hurt her, not really. I asked why she couldn't grasp that we were 'mortal enemies', but that was like calling her stupid. No matter how much I felt that to be true, regarding her decision, I couldn't call her that. Then I wrote that I knew I was being a jerk, but I just couldn't see how we could possibly make this situation work. But that was no good either. I tried to point out that we couldn't be friends when she was spending all her time with them, but that was so obvious it didn't really need to be pointed out. Then I thought I'd be honest and tell her how much it hurt to think about her and that she shouldn't even write. But that would just hurt her too. So I finally decided to just write:

Bella,

I miss you too. A lot. But it doesn't change anything. Sorry.

Jacob

I made sure to give the note to my dad the next time he went out, in case he ran into Charlie.

My dad was starting to worry about me. He said I was depressed. Maybe I was. I didn't really care. I made sure that I kept up with all of my responsibilities but I knew I was just going through the motions. I just couldn't summon up any emotions for life. I was numb and when I wasn't numb I was in pain. I preferred numb.

My dad decided to try to intercede on my behalf. First he started by talking to Charlie, telling him how bad off I was and that it was because of Bella. As embarrassing as that was, I really couldn't summon up enough energy to complain about it. It wasn't like it was going to make a difference. I'd resigned myself to the fact that Bella was not going to be a part of my life.

I guess my dad had other ideas. He told me that he was planning a get together this weekend. He'd invited the Clearwaters, the Uleys and the Swans. My heart skipped a beat.

I looked up at my dad and he gave me an understanding smile. Maybe I was wrong. Could Bella still be a part of my life? Maybe … For the first time in a long time I felt something other than the numbness and the pain. I felt hope.

I woke up Saturday from my early morning snooze after having done my patrolling all night. I felt excited. I'd get to see Bella today. I also felt nervous. Just because she'd be coming over didn't change anything. She was still with that bloodsucker. But maybe I could remind her of what we'd had. There had to be somewhere in her heart where I'd left my mark, somewhere that still remembered what it been like when she'd loved me. After all she's written that she missed me.

But when Charlie showed up Bella wasn't with him. He explained that she and Edward had taken a trip to Florida to see Bella's mom, they'd be gone all weekend. Huh. That sure was awfully convenient if you asked me. I was extremely disappointed.

I remembered what Bella had said about the Cullen female, the one who could see into the future. That made me wonder if he'd gotten a heads up on Charlie's plans for the weekend. Maybe this last minute trip, which happened to be the weekend of our get together, wasn't a total coincidence.

As these thoughts were going through my head I heard Charlie discussing Bella's last minute trip with my dad. He said something about how he felt that Edward was afraid of some healthy competition. That got me thinking. Maybe he wasn't just worried about me being dangerous because of what I was. Maybe he felt threatened by me for a different reason. Maybe I was competition. I thought back to the last time I had seen Bella in the forest by her house. The leech had made it very clear that he thought I was dangerous. Maybe he had some sick idea of protecting Bella from me.

Then I remembered Bella's reaction when I informed her of the terms of the treaty and my heart went cold. Oh no! What if the reason they went away was just a farce. What if the real reason they had gone away was so Bella could become …Ugh! I couldn't think the word. I felt bile rise in the back of my throat. I flopped down onto the couch with such force that I caused Charlie and my dad to look at me. I looked away pretending I didn't see the concern on their faces. After a while they went back to their conversation and forgot all about me.

How long was she going to be gone? Could she be gone just enough time for …Yuck! I forced myself to swallow. I took a deep breath and let my head fall back to stare at the ceiling. What if I'd lost her, truly lost her, forever! The thought made my heart ache like it was withering up and dying in my chest. I felt so stupid for all the time that I had wasted sulking. I could have been doing something. I could have been fighting for her. Instead I just let her go, practically handed her over on a silver platter.

I immediately went over to Charlie to ask when Bella would be back. Charlie and my dad stared at me for a moment before Charlie informed me that he was expecting her back in three days. Three days! That could change everything. I got Charlie to promise me that he'd have her call as soon as she got back. I decided then and there that if Bella came back …human…I wouldn't give up on her, on us. I would be competition! And I'd do my damndest to win. See if I didn't!