A bittersweet chapter. I hope you like it and that you give me some reviews, because I really work hard on this and it feels like writing to a wall sometimes.

Chapter 10: I'm trying.

"And what are you doing about that, Beca?"

They had come back to Norfolk the day before. It was Tuesday after lunch, and Beca was at her weekly session with her therapist, Norman Adams. Beca was curled in a corner on his office couch and had just told him everything about the past week and the argument the day before.

"Act like nothing happened and everything's fine" Beca replied "I guess I'm less smiley and loving, but it's the best I can do."

"You could tell Chloe how much it really upset you that she called you an asshole and a disappointment."

"If I do, we'll argue, she'll say she didn't mean it that way, I won't believe her, and we'll be even more upset."

"Why wouldn't you believe her? She probably didn't mean it that way and you recognized it yourself. She probably just meant she was disappointed with the situation, because she didn't expect her two most important girls to fight in that moment. Why are you so convinced you are such a thing?"

"Because I am. I disappoint myself on a daily basis, I disappointed my family going to LA instead of looking for a serious job, I disappointed my boyfriend by leaving him aside and working so much until he left me, I disappointed myself more times than I can count... I can't blame Chloe for feeling like that. I'm not upset at her, I'm upset at myself, and trying to be enough for her. Like... I made lunch today. I'm trying to change her opinion."

"But that isn't her opinion, if it was, she wouldn't be in love with you and living with you. It's your opinion. You have such a low image of yourself."

"Who cares? Chloe's right. I'm immature, childish, broken, I'll never know why she stays with me, I guess she loves feeling loved and our sex is awesome, or anyway, she loves kids, so... Anyway, time's up, I should get going, or she will get upset."

"She won't get upset for you entertaining with your therapy. And you are a great person, you should believe people when they say so. One person can lie, not hundreds and with the same thing. But you're right, I've got another patient now... see you next week Beca. Have a good day and try not to be so harsh on yourself."

After therapy, Beca went to her office and cried until she felt emotionally drained. She tried working a bit but things weren't sounding good and feeling even more useless, she went back home and pet Billie a bit. It was dinner time and she found Chloe already busy preparing it, so she kissed her quickly, not feeling worthy of their usual make out session before dinner, and proceeded to prepare the table.

"Are you okay?" Chloe asked when they had been eating in silence for a while.

"Yeah."

"You sure? Did therapy go badly?"

"It went fine, really. I'm just a bit frustrated with a song I'm stuck with."

"I could hear it and try help you out" Chloe offered with a tiny smile.

"Thank you, but I'd rather forget about it until I have to come back to it tomorrow morning. But I'll figure it out after a good night's sleep."

Chloe nodded and they kept eating in silence. Beca could feel a ball in her throat that had been there ever since their argument.

"Soon it'll be seven months from their death" she was talking about Jack, Kendra and Joseph "is that what has you so quiet?"

"Chloe, I told you, I'm fine. Seven months, and last month was six, and soon it'll be a year, I'm fine." Chloe nodded and they kept eating in silence until they finished and cleaned everything "I'm gonna head to bed" Beca said after they did the dishes.

"Okay, I'll go in a while, sleep well" Chloe kissed her and Beca went upstairs.

She laid in bed for a while, so exhausted she couldn't even fall asleep, and her mind wasn't about to give her a break, and Beca started wondering whether Chloe could be watching a movie downstairs. They usually watched something before going to bed, and Billie hadn't crawled into her bed yet, so she decided to go downstairs too. She got up, put her housecoat on, and went to their living room. She found Chloe lying on the couch with her back supported on a pillow, Billie on the floor next to the couch playing with her toys, and the TV was playing an old Charlie Chaplin movie. Beca walked to the couch and Chloe looked at her with a tiny smile and folded her legs to give her space in the couch as Beca sat in the other end, more straightened than Chloe, and their toes touching slightly, and Beca also started watching the movie until Chloe suddenly turned the TV off and sat more straightened looking at her.

"What's going on?" Chloe asked.

"I can't fall asleep" Beca replied, and Chloe nodded slowly.

"Snuggle with me?" Chloe suggested, and Beca nodded as Chloe made space beside her and Beca laid with her in the couch, hugging on to her so as not to fall from the couch, and closing her eyes putting her face on Chloe's chest as the ginger half hugged her with one arm, tracing patterns on Beca's shoulder. After a while, Chloe spoke up again "you're still mad at me for what happened yesterday with Aubrey, aren't you?"

Beca thought about it for a moment and then when she replied, it was in full honesty.

"I'm not mad at any of you."

"Then I don't have a clue on what's going on with you, honestly" Chloe whispered "ever since that, you've been quiet, you barely smile, you don't sing in the shower like always, you're always tired even though you fall asleep every time you get comfortable enough anywhere, you get more frustrated than the usual amount while working on mixes at home, you don't devour food but eat really slowly, you're always thoughtful..."

"Chloe, you do realize the argument was yesterday right? How can you see so many things in a day?" Beca asked after some silence.

"Because when we had the argument I realized I wasn't as correct as I thought, and you were angry, and I care about you and I'm always paying more attention than what you think, but after yesterday I paid even more attention. And you aren't even denying anything."

"I guess I do all of that" Beca replied. They were talking low, both of them too tired to speak more loudly.

"Why don't you talk to me? If the problem isn't me, and by the way, I'm really sorry about yesterday, then, what has you so worried and thoughtful?"

Beca laid in silence thinking what to say and finally moved to sit with her back in the back of the couch, hugging her knees, and Chloe sat straight in the same position but the back on the side of the couch, so she could look at Beca intently.

"I'm not angry at you because I thought what you said was true. That I'm a disappointment, an asshole and more childish than a nine year old. I think all of that is so true, I couldn't get mad at you."

"But any of that is true Beca, why would you think so low of yourself? I said you were acting like a child, not that you were like one, I fully know well you're not. And yeah, I did say you guys were assholes, but didn't mean it like that and I'm sorry that's how you took it, I just wanted to state that having that argument was assholes-like. And I was disappointed because I didn't expect both of you to fight after all these years and even less in that moment, but you aren't a disappointment." Chloe explained.

"Aren't I?" Beca asked looking at her "because to me, it feels like I am. Like I fail much more often than otherwise, and I have much more flaws than virtues."

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know Chloe, maybe because in high school I was dumb, I had grades barely good enough to keep going so my parents were always angry because I devoted myself more to music than my academic life, and I wasn't good enough to have actual friends, so I guess if anything really satisfies you, better than self-harm myself I thought, music. And well, sex, as you know" Beca shrugged "Or maybe because you had to get into my shower for me to believe I actually sang good enough for an a cappella group. Or maybe because my parents divorced and now I know it wasn't like that, but in that moment it felt like I wasn't good enough to keep them together. Or maybe because Jesse was the first boyfriend I've ever had, and the first person who actually loved me, but then again, it was too good for Aubrey to approve it, apparently. Or maybe because I wasn't good enough to be half someone at Residual Records until I was about to finish my internship, or good enough to have a real work in LA for a very long time, and had to work every night for god know how long only thinking that my father was right and I shouldn't be there because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to keep the one I truly loved the most back then with me, and I wasn't good enough of an aunt and godmother to keep Jackie safe, or a sister god enough to keep Joseph and Kendra safe, and I'm not even that amazing girlfriend anyway, so I bet once you get better, I won't be good enough for you either. So I guess I'm a constant disappointed, and the worst is I'm the person who I disappoint the most." Chloe didn't immediately know what to say, so Beca took her silence as an agreement one, and got up "I should just go to bed..." she said as she made her way to their bedroom as fast as she could without running, only to be immediately followed by Chloe.

"Beca" Chloe called her "Beca!"

Beca curled into her side of the bed and soon after, Chloe turned a lamp on and sat on the bed beside Beca, pulling her up to face her and taking her hands in her own.

"Chloe, drop it, you don't have to pretend like..."

"Like what? You think I would allow myself to lost months of my life that I'll never get back with someone I didn't love? Because I wouldn't. I love you and that's why being with you is not losing my time, because I'm in love with you. Why do you think is that?"

"I don't know. I guess you really like lost causes" Beca shrugged.

"I do, but that's not the reason" Chloe stated "I'm in love with you because you're not only the sexiest, most beautiful person I've ever seen, but because you are so freaking talented, and have a beautiful voice, and you make me laugh until I'm about to pee, and you make me wonder about things I don't usually think of, and you treat me like if I was the most amazing being ever, and you love me so much it's weird and crazy, and you're honest, you believe in justice and defend it no matter what, you don't shut up when you think something isn't right, even if you have to go against me, you are so amazingly true to yourself, and I love everything you do, and the amazing conversation we have many times, and how you wonder about the weirdest things like the other day when you asked me how could a bird pop such big eggs but don't look like an egg anytime, and you're hilarious, and ironic, and sarcastic, and amazing in everything you do, you never do anything you don't feel like, which is great, and every time you're not around I'm like yeah, teaching's great, but what wouldn't I give to have her here?" she said "you make my days better, Beca. Most of the time I don't know how, because you can be doing something that isn't really that big, and still, I love how you do it and if it was somebody else, I would be indifferent. I can't explain love, as much as I can try to, I can't really say what do you have to be so amazing in my eyes, and I know you can't explain why you love me very good either, but you do, and I do too. And Beca, I could swear to God for me, there's no one else I'd rather be with, or nobody else I could love more than I love you."

"That's insane Chloe. I'm not that good, you deserve better..."

"Love's insane" Chloe said taking her face between her hands "so please, make me a favor and don't ever think so low of yourself, because I would kill anybody who talked about you like that."

"Chlo, sooner or later, I will disappoint you so hard you won't want to stay anymore."

"Even if you disappointed me, Becs, which believe me has as many chances to happen as Billie-Jean to become a tiger, I would never leave you. And I don't think you are such a failure. We all fail, we all fall off the wagon sometimes, but we get back and that's what matters. My grades were never perfect either, four years of college took me seven, and still, grades would never say how much of a person somebody else. Your high school mates were stupid, and some of them still are, and great things take time to build, so you couldn't be loved so quickly or else they would probably be lying, and they couldn't have appreciated you faster in Residual Records, and still you're twenty five only, and look how successful you are!" Chloe said "You didn't disappoint your family either, Becs... what happened was beyond anybody's control except for the bitch that did it. Even if you could've been there, you would probably be dead, let's not forget she killed four people, three of them adults, I don't even know how we made it out of there ourselves. It's just... some things are beyond our control. That's doesn't make us a disappointment, it's just life Becs, and it sucks, but you've accomplished many other things. You might disappoint yourself... but you're never disappointing me."

Beca stared at her in silence and after some time, she nodded slowly and laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Chloe cuddled beside her, with a hand over one of hers on top of Beca's abdomen.

"I love you" Chloe said into the silence. And Beca believed her, but that didn't mean she was just going to stop being terrified.

Because she knew she could easily fail her.

Disappoint her.

And then, if she did, that wasn't something she could ever live with.