"How did you even arrange this, J.J.?" asked Harley, as they walked out the front doors of Arkham Asylum later that evening and then went around the back. J.J. punched in an access code to the gate blocking the maintenance stairs leading to the roof. It clicked open and J.J. held the door open as Harley and he climbed the stairs.
"I know a guy who knows a guy," said J.J., vaguely.
"I didn't even know Arkham had a roof garden," commented Harley. "Does Poison Ivy cultivate it?"
"Boy, I wish I was visiting Ivy's garden," muttered J.J. "But no, I think they try to keep her away from plants if possible. I think it's just for staff use."
He pushed open the door to the roof, to reveal a little flat corner of the rooftop, shielded from the weather by the surrounding walls and gargoyles and ivy. The table had been laid out with a table, candlelight, and two chairs.
"J.J., this is beautiful!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at him. "Like a little secret roof grotto! Strange that Dr. Leland left it out of my tour this morning."
"Well, they probably only let the staff access it after you've been there a while – y'know, as a reward for staying on for so long and putting up with all the crap you have to as an employee of Arkham Asylum," said J.J., pulling out a chair for her.
"You mean like being sexually harassed by the likes of the Joker?" asked Harley, coldly.
"Aw, c'mon, I didn't think he was too bad," said J.J. "Kinda romantic, really. If I was a woman, I would certainly consider giving him a chance."
"J.J., he's a murdering psychopath," said Harley. "What kinda future could I ever possibly have with him, even if I did find him attractive, which I don't."
"You sure?" asked J.J., hopefully. "He has kinda a nice smile…"
"I actually have my eye on…someone else..." said Harley, slowly, taking his hand. "But maybe I've been too subtle up to now…"
"No, no, no, you're not subtle," said J.J., quickly. "But, actually, Harley, uh…my affections are engaged elsewhere."
"Oh. Then why did you ask me out on a date?" asked Harley.
"Because…I'm not a nice, committed guy," said J.J., slowly. "And I play the field. So yeah, not the kinda guy you should really be interested in, unlike the Joker. That guy's committed for life."
Harley stared at him. "J.J…I'm really surprised to hear that about you. But there's no reason you can't commit to commitment now. I can help you with a fresh start, with a new, happy, monogamous relationship."
"Oh, come on!" exclaimed J.J. "Jesus, can't you just give up on a lost cause?! Stupid question, I know."
He took a deep breath. "Just…wait there a second, Harley. I'll go get dinner and then we'll talk."
He headed for the door to the roof and left, shutting it behind him. Harley sat on her own for a moment, pouring herself a glass of wine. She sipped from it, looking around, and luckily didn't notice the small glass window above her, hidden by the ivy, which Arleen glanced out from, holding a walkie talkie.
A moment later, the roof door opened and Harley looked up, expecting to see J.J. She was shocked to see a man in a scarecrow costume emerge through it, carrying a box.
"Good evening," he began, and then looked at her, dropping the box. "Oh God in heaven…so that's where she gets her looks!" he gasped.
"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Harley.
"Uncle Jonathan, focus!" snapped Arleen's voice through the walkie talkie at his belt.
"Yes, my dear, of course," said Crane, shaking his head. "Lovely to meet you, Dr. Quinzel – would you mind looking after this for me?" he said, placing the box on the table. "Thank you very much. I'll see you later," he said, heading for the door.
"Wait…what…" began Harley, but he had already left, shutting the roof door after him. Harley glanced down at the box, and then opened it, gasping when she saw that it contained a huge diamond with a sign that read Harlequin Diamond, value $5,000,000.
"Nice rock," commented a voice from the door. "Suits you, Doc."
Harley looked up to see Joker standing in the doorway. "Who gave that to you?" he asked.
J.J. had been told by Arleen, also via walkie talkie, to bring Joker only after Crane was clear – Joker had to remain ignorant of Crane being there so he wouldn't know the diamond was a setup by his own children until it was too late.
"Mr. Joker…what are you doing here?" demanded Harley.
"J.J. told me you'd be here," replied Joker.
"J.J.?" repeated Harley. "Why would he want to set us up? I thought I was on a date with him!"
"Nah, you and he ain't gonna happen, trust me," chuckled Joker, taking the seat across from her. "He ain't really interested in you."
"How do you know?" demanded Harley.
"Because…because…uh…because…he's…uh…gay," lied Joker. "But I'm not. Despite what the internet says about me and Batman."
"I don't understand," said Harley. "Why would J.J. arrange all of this if he wasn't interested in me?"
"Because he thinks you and me are kinda perfect for each other," said Joker. "And…he cares about your and my happiness."
Harley stared at him. "Oh my God…is he in love with you?"
"With me…what…no!" exclaimed Joker. "No, he's trying to think about what's best for you!"
"By trying to set me up with a psychotic murderer?" demanded Harley.
"Yes, dammit!" shouted Joker. "It's for your own good, trust me!"
"How can you be good for anyone?!" shouted Harley.
"I'm good for you, you dumb blonde!" snapped Joker. "Because we're the same, you and me! We just work together! And I'm sorry if you're too blind to see that, but for me, it's as obvious as the goddamn Batsignal!"
"Speaking of…which," stammered Harley, pointing behind Joker.
"What?" he asked, turning around. And then his face fell. "Aw, crap," he muttered.
"I never thought you and Crane would work together to steal a diamond and then plant it on a psychiatrist," muttered Batman, emerging from the shadows. "It doesn't make any sense, even for you. And since when do you work with Scarecrow anyway?"
"Work with…what are you talking about?" demanded Joker. "I didn't steal anything…"
"Don't even bother denying it, Joker, the evidence is right there," snapped Batman, nodding at the diamond. "And now you're gonna pay for it."
"Sorry, Dad," whispered Arleen, as she and her brother watched from the window as Batman raised a fist and punched Joker hard in the face. "But it is kinda hot seeing Batman in action."
"There's something seriously wrong with you," retorted J.J.
Arleen suddenly cried out in pain. "Ok, geez, I didn't mean it," said J.J., but a moment later, he too cried out as a burst of agony shot through his whole body. He fell to the ground and saw Arleen collapse too. He crawled over to her and tried to embrace her, but found that his hand passed through her.
"J.J…what's happening?" gasped Arleen, as she gazed at his own fading form.
"We're…disappearing," whispered J.J. "Too late…"
Arleen curled up next to him, shutting her eyes and preparing for the end.
Meanwhile, Harley was staring at the sight of Batman beating up the Joker, her eyes fixated on the fight, and how much Joker was outmatched in terms of strength. She watched Batman beat him over and over as Joker futilely tried to punch back, only to be blocked by Batman. Batman gave a colossal punch to Joker's face that knocked him to the ground, and that was when Harley snapped.
"Leave him alone, you big bully!" she shrieked, grabbing the wine bottle and smashing it over Batman's skull.
Batman was taken aback by the unexpected violence, falling backward, and that was when Harley punched him hard in the face, and then kicked him in the chest. While Batman reeled, Harley picked up the chair and beat it repeatedly over Batman's head, until he collapsed onto the ground, unconscious.
Harley dropped the chair, panting, her hair and dress in disarray. She turned to Joker, who had been staring at her in shock. "Are you…ok?" she stammered, holding out her hand to help him up.
"Yeah," he murmured, taking it and climbing slowly to his feet. "Are you?"
"Uh huh," she said, nodding. "He ain't…so tough."
"Nah," agreed Joker. "Not really…not when you're not taking him on alone. Not when you got…somebody with you…together…"
They were gazing at each other, and then the next moment, they were in each other's arms, kissing passionately.
And Arleen and J.J. felt the pain suddenly disappear. They straightened up slowly and peered out the window to see their parents locked in each other's arms.
"All right, way to go, Mom and Dad!" exclaimed J.J., happily.
"Oh, thank God!" gasped Arleen, hugging her brother. "They did it! They really did it!"
"Cutting it close for dramatic tension, as ever," chuckled J.J. "That's just the Joker way!"
"We should leave them to their privacy," said Arleen. "And go see how Uncle Jervis is coming on that time machine."
"Relax, sis, it's not like they're gonna do anything on the first date…" began J.J., but he trailed off as he glanced out the window again. "Damn, I stand corrected. Dad is smooth!"
"It's that Joker charm," said Arleen, sarcastically. "Mom could never resist it."
"Crap, Bats is waking up," said J.J., noticing Batman stirring. "He's gonna spoil the fun, as usual."
Joker noticed Batman stirring too, and suddenly ran toward the edge of the roof. He smiled at Harley, grinned, and then jumped. And Harley didn't hesitate – she grabbed his coat tails and jumped right off after him.
"That's love," murmured Arleen, beaming, as she watched them land in some bushes below, and then took off running together across the grounds. She smiled. "C'mon, J.J., let's go back to Uncle Jervis's. We've had a long day and we deserve a good rest."
"You go on ahead," said J.J. "I'll see you at home."
Arleen shrugged and headed back down the stairs. J.J. waited for her to leave, and then went down to the cell block, reaching Ivy's cell and unlocking it with Harley's keys.
"Rough day, sweetheart?" purred Ivy as he entered.
He embraced her. "You have no idea," he sighed.