A/N: Sorry for the long wait, but this chapter was particularly hard. there is so much going on with Rachel and so much that I wanted to express in this chapter that it took a bit longer than usual. Special thanks to Cissy Black Malfoy, Kikky, and Starbuck128 for giving me some input. This chapter was originally going to be even more ridiculously long than it already is, but I decided to cut it in half and make it into two parter all taking place during the same day. Consequently, this chapter is mainly introspection on Rachel's part and her trying to wrap her head around the idea of Shelby as her mom and make a decision about what to do from here. The next chapter, which I hope to have up within the next few days, will have more action, but for now I hope you enjoy this one.
Tuesday Part 1
Questions
Shelby Corcoran was her mother. Rachel lay in bed, staring up at the 'Wicked' poster on her wall and allowing those words to run through her mind while she tried to figure out how they fit. It was like uncovering the missing piece of the tapestry that was her life and realizing that it changed the picture entirely. Rachel was not yet capable of forming an opinion on it, feeling it was too new and too large for her to fully wrap her head around, so she simply let the words reverberate into every corner of her mind, seeping into the core of her being. She was vaguely aware of the almost hypnotic ticking of the clock on her bedside table, but she couldn't be bothered to turn her head and check the time. She knew at least a few hours had passed since she sat at the dinner table with her fathers and had this little revelation dropped on her.
Sweetheart, Shelby Corcoran is your mother. Hearing her father say those words had left an odd buzzing sound in her ears, rendering her momentarily deaf, as though her brain was suddenly too overloaded to process any more sound. She could see Papa's lips moving, but she couldn't make out the words he was saying. It was like someone had set off a flashbang grenade leaving her deaf and dumb as her mind tried to figure out what had just happened. She saw his mouth form the words 'sweetheart, are you ok?' before repeating her name over and over until she finally regained enough presence of mind to nod her head. It was an empty gesture, but at least it got Papa to stop asking her questions for a few seconds. From the other side of the table Daddy told him to give her a minute to think, and she felt a surge of gratitude towards him.
In her mind's eye there was a snapshot of the woman who had greeted her at the door of her music class. Now that Rachel was aware of their connection her mind displayed a sort of photographic recall that she hadn't known she possessed. There was no questioning the validity of her father's claim. The woman's features held more than a passing similarity to her own, something that she noted the first time she saw her but hadn't spared a moment to analyze. The anxiety induced flight or fight instinct she had experienced upon entering Shelby's class that day must have caused their exchange to be imprinted on her memory in detail, because she could now picture Shelby Corcoran standing in front of her with startling clarity. Her eyes, a familiar brown color filled with unknown depth, stood out clearest in Rachel's mind. While the rest of Shelby's face remained blank and professional her eyes had told a different story, showing more compassion and nervousness than she had probably realized. Rachel certainly hadn't noticed it at the time, but it revealed itself to her now that she sat at her parents' dinner table with new knowledge and the benefit of hindsight.
The silence in the dining room stretched on for an indeterminate amount of time while Rachel pushed through the shock that clouded her mind. Once she was able to form something resembling a coherent sentence, questions came rolling off her tongue in quick succession. How did they meet? Why did she agree? What had happened? These were things that she had wondered about for most of her life and probably should have been told years ago, but Rachel had never had the nerve to push for answers and her fathers had never had the inclination to explain. In her mind the topic of her mother had always been off limits, and even now as they told her the role Shelby Corcoran had played in bringing her into this world, Rachel got the distinct impression that this was a conversation neither of her dads wanted to be having. Daddy only chimed in when the legal aspects of the contract they'd had with Shelby came up, and Rachel was surprised to learn that her mother had been legally prohibited from seeking contact with her. In her mind she had always figured that the woman had simply chosen not to know her, not that she legally couldn't. Papa was in charge of explaining the rest, his voice and demeanor unusually somber.
At one point Papa stopped speaking for a long moment, and Rachel feared that they wouldn't say anything more. It took all of the will power she possessed in order to remain silent while Leroy and Hiram looked at each other, entire conversations passing between them in a language that was entirely indecipherable to her, but when they broke eye contact it was clear that they had come to a decision. Hiram seemed resigned, but he spoke clearly and calmly. "Rachel, Papa and I love you, and we trust you…" he seemed to struggle to find the words, "Shelby contacting us again after all these years was never a part of the plan, but we all felt that you were old enough to know the truth and choose for yourself what sort of relationship, if any, you want to have with her. It would be easy for us to take you out of Carmel altogether and register you in a new school. Richard Peterson was just telling me the other day that his daughter's private school has an excellent theater arts program and better academics than any public school could ever offer. It would be exactly the right atmosphere you…" he paused, allowing her time to consider this option. "Or you could stay at Carmel. Now if you do choose to stay at Carmel it doesn't mean that your relationship with Shelby has to be anything more than any other student and teacher. There is no pressure or expectation for you to suddenly want to be close to her or – "
"What your father is trying to say," Leroy interrupted, shooting his husband a look across the table, "is we're leaving this decision up to you. You can choose to stay at Carmel or leave, you can choose to have a relationship with Shelby or not. It's your choice and your father and I will support you, whatever you decide."
Rachel hesitantly nodded her head, feeling a new pressure on her shoulders as the magnitude of her choice settled in around her. It was amazing how two hours ago the biggest decision she thought she was going to have to make this week was what song to sing in her audition. Now she got to decide the fate of her relationship with the mother she'd never known and potentially start a new 'new life' at another school. There was no doubt in her mind which options her dads wanted her to choose.
"You don't need to make any decisions right now," Hiram assured her gently, probably feeling the waves off stress rolling off her. "You can take all the time you need." They both seemed to be waiting for a response so Rachel nodded her head thoughtful and pulled her mouth into what she was sure looked nothing like a smile.
"Right, um…" Rachel tried to think of a more articulate response but this new information had taken over her brain, crushing any other thought that vied for attention. "Right," she said again. She looked down at her half eaten plate of vegetables and potatoes with no desire to finish any of it. Her fathers appeared to be giving her some space to think, but the silence in the room felt oppressive. Before she could stop herself she was on her feet, startling her fathers and herself, but feeling as though she couldn't sit any longer. "May I be excused?" she asked as an afterthought, looking from one father to the other.
"Rachel…" Leroy started and then stopped himself.
"Yeah, sure, whatever you need. Just know that your father and I are here if you need to talk," Hiram answered her. Rachel could feel them staring after her as she hurried from the dining room, and she was sure they listened to her rushing footsteps as she ran up the stairs and into her bedroom. Closing the door she leaned against it for a moment, bringing her hands up to cover her face and closing her eyes to try to stop her mind from racing. This wasn't at all what she had expected when she arrived home, but she could barely remember the day she had spent with Jesse just two or three hours earlier. This was one of those revelations that split your life into before and after, and most of what came 'before' seemed to fade, while the 'after' seemed amplified. It was a shame too, because she had really wanted to document this day in her diary and now most of it had been wiped from her mind.
Pushing off from the door she dropped her hands and moved across the room to her bed and sat down slowly, lying back until her head rested on the pillows, and looking up blankly. She figured that the emotional parts would come later, but for right now she would simply lay there and try to wrap her head around the idea as Shelby Corcoran as her mother. Hours later she was still in basically the same position, still trying to get her head around that concept.
Shelby Corcoran was her mother.
Over the last few hours she had mentally picked apart every word and gesture Shelby had made during their brief interaction earlier that day, from the way she had focused in on Rachel from the moment she walked into the classroom and stood nervously at the door, to the way their hands had remained gently clasped together for a bit too long during their initial handshake, and how she had opened her eyes for a brief second while she was singing scales and saw Shelby staring at her with an unreadable look on her face that she had taken for simple consideration of her skills at the time, but now seemed to hold so many possibilities.
Shelby Corcoran was her mother.
There had also been the moment after class when Shelby had surprised her by asking about how her day had been; a question she thought was just an offhanded way of making her feel a little less awkward but now took on a very motherly connotation in her mind. Her stomach did odd flips at the thought of it.
Shelby Corcoran was her mother.
She had been so embarrassed by her misunderstanding of Shelby's words when she told her she could audition that Rachel had made an idiot of herself, first implying that she was happy about one of Vocal Adrenaline's members breaking her leg, and then trying to compensate for her dumb words by showing off her knowledge of musical theater when Shelby mentioned that she could do two numbers for the audition. She'd almost missed it completely when the woman had softly wished her good luck.
Shelby Corcoran was her mother.
She'd promised that Shelby would not regret giving her the chance to audition…now she wondered if that had been a lie.
Shelby Corcoran was her mother.
Having a mother – her mother – was something that Rachel had fantasized about her whole life. She'd wondered what it would be like to have her there, and if they would have anything in common at all or if they would be complete opposites. She'd wondered if her mother would understand her in a way that so few people ever did…now that the opportunity to find out had fallen into her lap it held all the weight of a dream come true. Longing for the mother you don't know and will never meet carries with it the security of impossibility. Once Rachel added a name to that longing, and a face, it became far too real. The idea of her mother had become a tangible reality. A woman named Shelby Corcoran, who loved music, looked exactly like her, and probably didn't live very far away. A woman with kind eyes, a calm gentle voice, and arms that could easily hold her tight while she cried. She wasn't just out there somewhere in the world at large anymore, she was in Lima, at Carmel, just outside of Rachel's life and now close enough that she could reach out and touch her if she wanted. It frightened her to even consider it.
There was sixteen years worth of expectations built up in her mind and logically she understood that no actual person could ever hope to live up to it. Inviting Shelby Corcoran into her life would be inviting the possibility of disappointment on a level she wasn't sure she could handle. If for some reason their relationship didn't work out…if Shelby didn't want her, or couldn't be the mother she needed…she knew that she would be crushed. Rachel was emotionally vulnerable to Shelby in a way that scared her. She had a lifetime of experience dealing with her fathers, and over the years she had built up a high tolerance for criticism and cruelty from her classmates and teachers, but her mother was an area in which she had no experience and no defense.
Walking away from this relationship now, before it even got started, would be the smart thing to do. Before Rachel's heart got more invested in this than it already was. After all, Shelby hadn't exactly come seeking her out or anything. They had stumbled into each other's lives by chance, and she tried to convince herself that Shelby would simply be relieved to hear that her surrogate daughter wouldn't be bothering her. She knew for certain that Leroy and Hiram would be pleased by her decision. And as for Rachel…well she would get over it. Taking a deep breath she tried to turn off her emotions, shut down her body, and turn off her brain. She tried to convince herself that she wasn't wrong for trying to protect herself. When she closed her eyes her mind conjured up the image of Shelby at the piano, looking at her with that unreadable look on her face. She told herself that it was just her own mind projecting her feelings onto Shelby in order to give her a false hope for their relationship. She turned over on her side and attempted to push the image away so she could get some sleep.
The soft blue glow from her clock radiated onto her face with annoying persistence. Reaching out a hand she swiftly turned it away from her to face the wall. She waited for sleep to come and claim her mind, but instead she ended up lying in the darkness of closed lids, listening to the drip…drip…drip of water leaking from the faucet in her bathroom. Frustrated, she climbed out of bed and turned every knob she could reach until the dripping ceased. She walked back into her room, surveying the shadows that crawled up her walls, cast by the street lights and the rare passing car. She stood there in the darkness, pushing down her thoughts, and because she couldn't silence the noise in her head she tried to silence the noise in her house. She chased away a cricket that had been chirping nearby, firmed up her window so that it wouldn't rattle in the wind, and in a last ditch effort to keep her thoughts at bay she had pulled on her headphones, figuring that if she couldn't quiet her thoughts she would blast them into submission.
Not even Alice Ripley, singing about her psychosis, could prevent her mind from wandering down the path that might very well lead to her own psychotic break. Now that she knew who her mother was, how could she ever pretend that she didn't? How could she walk away from the possibility of knowing her? Of finally claiming the missing pieces of her perfect little family? She'd wanted this for so long she had to at least try, didn't she?
Rachel banged her head against her headboard.
She wanted to believe that it could be that simple. She wanted to accept the opportunity for what it was and let that be all that mattered, but she knew better. She knew that whatever choice she made would affect not only her, but her fathers as well. She knew that no matter how supportive they said they were, bringing her mother into their lives would be painful for them. Hell, even considering it was tantamount to saying that they weren't good enough parents, but Rachel had 16 years worth of curiosity and longing to contend with. Cutting her mother out of her life completely without giving their relationship a chance seemed just as heart wrenching.
She sat in bed listening to her Next to Normal cast recording and trying to make up her mind. She fell into a half-conscious state of not quite sleep that saw her through the next few hours of fruitless debate. At around five she rose from her bed. Aside from a few creases in the comforter it looked as though it hadn't been slept in at all which, she supposed, it hadn't.
She went through the motions of her regular morning routine, jumping on her elliptical and working out a bit harder than she probably should have after getting no sleep last night. By the time she was done she had worked up a sweat. Stepping into the bathroom that connected to her room Rachel turned the handle to the shower and watched the steady spray of water fall from the nozzle. By the time she had stripped out of her sweaty clothes the water was burning hot, but she clinched her jaw and slipped under the stream anyway. Fighting down the urge to turn the temperature down to cooler level she allowed her body and mind to focus on the almost unbearable heat as it assaulted her skin.
It was a welcome relief from the thoughts that had kept her up all night, and she stood there until her body had adjusted to the uncomfortable temperature before slowly lowering it back down to normal levels and scrubbing herself clean. She took her time, enjoying the distraction until she couldn't justify standing in the shower any longer. Turning off the water she wrapped herself in a fluffy pink towel and stood before the mirror, dragging a hand across its surface to clear away the steam and study her own face. It appeared that finding out who her mother was had not left any physical marks on her, which seemed strange. She felt like there should at least be some sort of sign announcing to the world that she was Shelby Corcoran's daughter, but then again, 50 percent of her DNA would be enough of a marker for anyone willing to look at her and draw conclusions.
She could hear her fathers moving around downstairs, but she didn't rush to join them like she usually would have. She didn't want to go and face them without some sort of answer, and right now she had none. After all, they were her parents. They were the ones who had loved her and raised her since the day she was born. She shouldn't want or need Shelby Corcoran in her life. It was why she had never asked them for details about her. It was why she had kept her longing for a mother to herself all these years. It was why she felt so guilty about her indecision right now, and it was why she hid upstairs in her room for another thirty minutes, before resigning herself to her fate. She walked down the stairs slowly and silently. Pausing outside the door she heard their voices inside, having a muffled conversation, and she drew in a deep breath.
Walking into the kitchen was like walking into the twilight zone, but instead of it being a topsy turvy everything-is-upside-down world, everything was exactly the same as it had been every other morning, which had the effect of being even stranger. She had expected to feel the tension of last night's discussion still hanging in the air. Instead she found her dads sipping coffee, reading the newspaper, and generally acting as though there world had not been flipped on its head last night. It was disconcerting.
"Um, hi…" she said hesitantly as she walked into the room.
"Hey sweetie," Daddy greeted her happily, pausing with his mug halfway to his mouth to smile at her.
Glancing up from his paper Papa told her, "There's oatmeal on the stove." She stared at them for a minute standing in the doorway and feeling like someone had hit a reset button or something. Cautiously she walked across the room and spooned out a modest bowl of it before going to sit beside her parents at the island.
"So, explain to me again – " Hiram rolled his eyes with a sigh, but Leroy persisted, "Explain to me again why they can do this."
"Because health insurance companies are inhumane bastards, who target the weak, feast on the souls of the sick, and keep you on hold for hours," Hiram said matter-of-factly.
Leroy put down his newspaper. "Yeah, I got that part. My question is howis that legal?" he asked with frustrated exasperation. Hiram walked over and kissed him lightly. This was a subject that Rachel had seen Papa get worked up on many occasions, every time one of his patients had to deal with monetary issues and the insurance companies when they should be focusing on their health instead. She and Hiram both knew that he needed to rant more anything else, so Hiram would indulge him for as long as he could.
"It is a horrible system. It can't last forever. Eventually the people will rise up, say enough is enough, and those greedy bastards will get what they deserve," Hiram said as he grabbed his briefcase and prepared to head off to work. "Until then, we fight the good fight. You save lives, I save assets." There was a tired determination to Hiram's voice and Leroy nodded his head unhappily, but Rachel knew that both of her fathers honestly did make a difference in people's lives. It was part of the reason she was so proud of them. She wondered what breakfast at her mother's home would be like and felt a stab of guilt at the traitorous thought.
Hiram walked over to Rachel and placed a light kiss on her forehead. "Have a good day, Daddy," she told him, with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She quickly turned her head back towards her food so that she wouldn't have to see the adoring look on his face. She heard Hiram clear his throat and sensed a change of subject coming. It was a little bit of a relief to know for sure that she hadn't simply imagined their conversation from last night. That relief was quickly replaced by nervous dread.
Taking the hint Leroy started, "Rachel…it's ok if you don't want to go to school today. We know you have a lot on your mind and you need time to think and process things." Rachel looked between them and nodded her head quickly.
"Thanks," she told them shortly before turning back to her food and shoveling a spoon full into her mouth. She knew the answer they wanted to hear, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. She wanted to tell them that she had decided to leave Carmel and Shelby Corcoran behind, but she couldn't get the words to come out of her mouth.
After a moment of uncertainty Hiram moved away and both of her dads seemed to accept her answer for the moment. "I love you. I'll see you both later," Hiram told them, looking back at Rachel once before he walked out of the kitchen. Rachel heard the front door shut and his car engine start, leaving her and Leroy in silence while she put an inordinate amount of her attention into finishing her breakfast.
When she couldn't pretend to scrape anymore food from the bottom of her bowl she risked glancing up and saw that Papa was reading the newspaper again. She got up to wash the dish out and heard her father flipping through the pages behind her. He knew just as well as she did that she could not stand awkward silences. "Do you have any surgeries today?" she finally broke.
"No, actually things are pretty light today," he answered readily, "I don't have to be in until around twelve and I may be able to get back here early tonight…so if you want hangout and watch some movies…We could do a musical marathon…?" It had been a while since they had sat down together and watched movies. Her father's schedule had been pretty tightly booked for the last few months which wasn't all that different from her father's normal schedule. Rachel was sure that this wasn't just a coincidence, him getting a light day the day after they had a chat about her mother, and she appreciated the gesture. She really wanted to say yes, pop some popcorn, flop down on the couch, and spend some time with her Papa, but she knew that would be inviting him to start a conversation that she wasn't ready to have yet.
"That sounds great, but I don't want to ruin my attendance record." It was a weak excuse, but he smiled at her understandingly and nodded his head. She felt more guilt. This would be so much easier if he yelled at her or gave her the cold shoulder or something. This quiet acceptance was so much worse. "I should go get my stuff and head out. Don't want to be late two days in a row," She said in what she hoped was a light tone. She kissed him on the cheek and he hugged her for just a little bit longer than usual. She ran upstairs and grabbed a jacket and her backpack. "Bye, Papa," she called out on her way out of the door. It swung closed behind her and cut off his reply. She cringed at the way it slammed. She didn't want him to feel like she was avoiding him, no matter how true it may be. She debated going back to wish him a proper goodbye, but she knew that wouldn't really help.
She climbed into her car with her mind on autopilot and her music blasting at a level she didn't know her speakers could reach. She was sure that if there had been an emergency vehicle behind her she probably wouldn't have heard it, but she was too unfocused to care. Heads turned her way as she drove through the school parking lot and it wasn't until then that she decided to turn Barbara down. She had a flash of memory and recalled Jesse telling her last night that Barbara was one of Shelby's favorites. Sighing, she gently leaned forward and rested her head against her steering wheel. This time yesterday she would have killed to know that little tidbit about her mother. Now it just made it harder for her to deal with the situation at hand.
It wasn't until she had turned off the car and the music that her mind had room to think and follow the logical course of her actions. In her attempt to get away from home and her father she had come to Carmel…and Shelby. She raised her head slightly and then banged it against the steering wheel. The only person she wanted to talk to less than her fathers right now, was her mother and –
.Tap. Tap. Tap.
She sat bolt upright, her body tensing up as she looked out of the window. The sight of Jesse standing there brought a wave of relief, if only because it wasn't Shelby. She rolled down the window and he leaned in to kiss her before she could say a word of greeting. For a moment she forgot what it was she was so anxious about.
"Hello," he said with a light grin as they broke apart. Apparently this was going to be a thing with them now.
"Hi," she replied, thankful for his sudden presence. He reached down and opened the car door, waiting for her to step out. The effect of Jesse's kiss wore off immediately as she thought about the prospect of entering Carmel today. She was not prepared to face Shelby Corcoran with this new knowledge bouncing around in her skull. The thought of standing face to face with her mother sent a tremor of fear and anticipation through her. She didn't know which was worse. "Jesse, how about we go for a drive?" She asked suddenly.
"A drive?" Jesse asked with confusion. "Rachel classes start in like fifteen minutes."
"I know I just…I want to spend the day with you. Just the two of us," she tried to keep her tone light and caring, instead of nervous and scared. She had, at some point during her long night of debate, convinced herself that their relationship was not contingent on her staying at Carmel. That if and when she left Carmel they could still be together so long as they weren't on rival Glee teams, and the private school Daddy had suggested didn't have a glee team, so that wouldn't be a problem. She hoped.
Jesse looked to be considering it for a moment, but he shook his head, "I can't. I have a trig test today that I can't miss." At Rachel's look of disappointment he continued, "But we can get together after school, or at lunch, or...right now," he said suggestively, with sly smile lighting his features. "We could put those fifteen minutes to good use."
It wasn't what she had been aiming for, but she certainly didn't refuse, especially if this might be her last day at Carmel. Jesse got in on the passenger side, and when he wrapped his arms around her it was hard to think of anything else. Rachel didn't try, instead losing herself in the feel of his lips on hers. It was a blissful moment of silence in her mind and she was sad when the bell for first class rang, bringing it to an end. Jesse slowly drew his lips away.
"We've gotta go," he said regretfully, drawing back and adjusting his slightly wrinkled clothes. His hair was tousled, but it only made him look sexier as far as Rachel was concerned. When Jesse looked in the passenger side mirror he seemed to agree, because he didn't do anything to fix it. Rachel turned to her mirror and corrected her own appearance as best she could. She reapplied her lip gloss, which Jesse promptly ruined again with a playful kiss. "Come on," he told her, jumping out of the car before she could retaliate. Rachel checked her appearance once more and took a deep breath. If this was going to be her last day at Carmel she wanted to spend it with Jesse. She would just have to make sure that she and Shelby did not run into each other, she decided. Of course, it only took her until third period for that resolution to go to hell.
She was walking from her class towards the lunch room, finally feeling as though she had Carmel's layout down in her head, when she turned a corner and saw her mother standing in the middle of the hall. She froze, feeling the blood drain from her face and her eyes go wide. Shelby's head was turned in the opposite direction, facing the student she was speaking to, but Rachel was certain that it was her mother. Making a snap decision she jerked back around the corner she had just come from and stood there with her back pressed against the wall, wondering if it was possible that her mother had spotted her. Unless she had eyes on the back of her head it was pretty unlikely, but it still made Rachel's stomach twist in knots to think that she might have. Cautiously she leaned out from her hiding place and peeked around the corner at her mom.
She looked exactly the same as yesterday and yet somehow entirely different in Rachel's eyes. Shelby held herself with confidence, and a sense of self assurance that seemed to radiate off of her. It was the sort of poise that Rachel spent hours in the mirror trying to perfect, but had never managed to pull off quite as elegantly as Shelby was now. She wondered if Shelby did it for the same reasons, to hide her insecurities from the world around her and all the people who would try to take advantage of them if they ever knew they existed. If so, she was doing an excellent job. Rachel was pulled out when she saw her mother shift her weight, preparing to walk away.
She yanked her head back around the corner. A few people in the hall were looking at her strangely, but she was sure that this time it had more to do with her own odd behavior than her association with Jesse. Ignoring them, she doubled back the way she came, quickly making her way down the hall and as far away from her mother as possible. Her heart was beating in her chest and she felt blood rushing to her face, amplifying the sound of her heart in her ears. That was a very close call, and clearly her skills at evasion needed some work. She had always kind of sucked at hide and go seek as a child, but that was neither here nor there. This was exactly the reason why she should have left Carmel this morning, or better yet, not shown up in the first place, but Jesse and his damned lips had tricked her into staying, and now she was once again the subject of stares and whispers. Only this time Rachel was subconscious about it for a whole new reason. She was sure that they were all putting together the pieces, looking at her and wondering why she looked so familiar. Whispering about her and Coach Corcoran potentially being related. Now that she knew the truth it seemed like something that any idiot could put together.
She ducked into an abandoned classroom to calm her nerves away from prying eyes. Coming here had been a mistake, but now that she was here she couldn't exactly leave. Well, technically she could ditch, but even under these circumstances Rachel cringed at the idea. Skipping out on her final class would mean getting a phone call home, and Rachel had no intention of heading back there right now. Rachel's phone buzzed with a text message from Jesse, asking where she was. She told him that she would meet him in the lunch room and cautiously made her way through the halls, listening intently to voices around her and checking around corners before she stepped into other corridors. She was sure it made her look like an idiot, and it took her an extra couple of minutes to get to the cafeteria, but that didn't stop her.
She spotted Jesse waiting for her by the entrance and soon they entered into the mass of students milling around the lunch room. Rachel allowed herself to relax, knowing that the chances of her running into her mother in here were slim to none. Unable to recall many details of her own day so far she listened to Jesse as he recounted the details of his, while they waited in line. She did her best to focus on what he was saying, but her mind refused to hold any information that did not pertain to her current situation. Once they finally got their food Jesse led her through the bustling cafeteria towards a door off to the side.
Rachel tried to hold in her curiosity but she couldn't stop herself from glancing over at Jesse as they walked. "So, Coach Corcoran has a lot of musical experience?" She tried to make it sound like a professional query. It was the best way she could think of to raise this topic.
"A hell of a lot more than you'll find at any other High School. She's been in a couple of off-Broadway plays, she has a degree in a musical theory, her first year here we took Regionals and we've placed in Nationals every year since," he told her enthusiastically. "She brings out the best in every performer on the team. She pushes pretty hard, sure, but that's what makes her such a great coach. She'll challenge you to do things vocally that you didn't know you were capable of," Rachel could tell that he was speaking from personal experience now. "She'll put just as much into coaching as you do into learning, and I guarantee you'll be a better singer by the time she's done with you. She's…amazing!" he finished with real reverence in his voice. As Rachel listened to his ranting endorsement of Shelby she felt her sadness double as she realized she would not only be walking away from her mother but a great vocal coach as well. As though the prospect of being a part of a nationally ranked glee team wasn't tempting enough.
"She sounds great!" Rachel said with false enthusiasm.
"She is, Rachel. I know she may seem a bit intimidating at first, but you two are going to get along great." She nodded her head in agreement, unable to speak. He looked at her with sympathy. "You're still nervous aren't you?" She nodded again, allowing him to believe that's all it was. "You know, I'm sure that if you just sat down with her you find that the two of you have a lot in common." She smiled up at him with a knot in her throat. "Why don't I arrange a meeting for you – "
"No!" Rachel exclaimed, stopping with a look of horror, "Don't do that." Her voice was more ragged than she had intended, and at Jesse's taken aback look she forced herself to calm down and amended, "I don't want Shelby to think that I'm using my relationship with you to try to get on the team…" she took a calming breath, "I just want my audition piece to speak for itself."
"I'm sure it will," Jesse cautiously reassured her, unsure what he did to earn that response. Stepping close to her and lowering his voice so that anyone listening nearby wouldn't hear him he asked "Are you alright? You seem kind of…on edge today." He looked into her eyes and she so wanted to tell him everything. Confess about Shelby being her mother and receive the comfort and advice she knew he would offer her. But that wasn't an option. If she hadn't already realized it, Jesse's one man monologue about the awesomeness of Shelby Corcoran had showed her that he was kind of biased where Shelby was concerned. Not to mention his bias towards keeping her here. He would never consider her leaving Carmel as a viable option. If she told him that the woman he held in such high regard was actually her mother he would do everything in his power to convince her to stay and reconnect with her, and there was a good chance that he would succeed. She toyed with the idea of letting him talk her into it, but the thought of her fathers stopped her.
"I'm just a bit tired, I guess. I didn't get any sleep last night," she told him with as much honesty as she could muster. He looked down at her as though he were trying to read her mind and for a moment she thought she saw the dawn of realization in his eyes, but she quickly looked away and started walking in the general direction they had been headed in before her little freak out. She felt like there was suddenly a wall between them. "So where are we going?" she asked when he caught up to her.
"Uh…out to the courtyard," he sounded distracted now too, "it's a lot less crowded out there."
He was right, there were only a few dozen kids eating outside in the brisk weather and Rachel relished the smell of fresh air after being in that crammed lunch room. "Jesse! Rachel!" Kendra called out to them when the moment she saw them. Rachel looked over and saw her with Oliver and another girl sitting at a picnic bench. Judging by the way the girl beside Ollie had just stuck her tongue down his throat Rachel surmised that this must be his girlfriend.
"Hey, guys!" Rachel greeted with more cheer than she felt.
"Hey," Oliver said, coming up for air just long enough to greet them before being drawn back towards his girlfriend's mouth without bothering to introduce her.
Kendra looked anywhere else but at them. "So, Rachel, how's the second day going?"
"Good. Fine," she said with noncommittal tone as she sat down, "…still just getting my bearings." She hated the idea of having to go through this again, learning the layout of a new school and figuring out where her classes were. The only reason she had caught on so quickly this time was because she had Jesse acting as her personal guide. Whatever school she transferred to would not have Jesse there to escort her through the halls, which was an automatic drawback.
"Rachel and I were just talking about Shelby's coaching style," Jesse told her as he sat down beside her.
"Oh, she's a great coach," Kendra corroborated his earlier point. "A perfectionist. She'd force us to stay till midnight if that's how long it took to get a routine right, and she can be incredibly demanding at times, but in the end it's always worth it. She pushes us to be the best." Kendra spoke of her the same way Jesse had, with clear respect in her voice, but she wasn't saying anything that Rachel hadn't already heard.
"See?" Jesse asked Rachel as though he had just proven something. "Rachel is intimidated by her," he explained to Kendra as though Rachel weren't sitting right beside him.
"I'm not intimidated by her."
"You're not?" Kendra asked skeptically, "You should be. She's delights in ripping bad performances to shreds."
"You're confusing Shelby with you," Jesse told her. He turned to Rachel. "You do not need to be intimidated by her," he reassured her again with an unusual amount of insistence.
"I know, and I'm not," Rachel lied, wanting nothing more than to drop this conversation. This would be so much easier if she could just talk to him. He was just trying to be supportive, but it wasn't helping her at all right now. This was one instance where she wouldn't mind Jesse treating her more like Oliver was treating his girlfriend…
Seeing a way of killing two birds with one stone she turned to Jesse, "Speaking of Vocal Adrenaline, didn't you say you needed to ask for Oliver's help learning a dance piece?" At the sound of his name Oliver broke away from his girlfriend for a moment.
"What?" He asked obliviously, looking back and forth between his friends.
"Jesse needs your help with some routine," Kendra supplied, helpfully distracting him further from the girl in his arms.
Ollie shot him a smirk, "You need my help?"
"No," Jesse said giving Rachel and Kendra an annoyed look, "Shelby's thinking about going with the American Idiot set for Regionals, and she wants me to get caught up on it." He had planned on working something out with Ollie yesterday, but once practice was canceled he'd ended up spending the day with Rachel instead.
"So, you need my help?" Ollie summarized.
"No! I need you to show me the routine."
"AKA, my help." Jesse turned his annoyed look on Oliver, "You know what, just admit you need my help. Ask for my help, and I will be there for you, man." Oliver was clearly enjoying this, the girl sitting in his lap momentarily forgotten. "Just say it. Ask. Say it," he prodded.
Impatiently Jesse said, "Oliver, would you please help me with the routine? Please?" he sounded more annoyed than sincere, but it was enough for Ollie.
"Sure, man. You don't have to beg," Ollie indicated to the girl on his lap that he needed to get up, and she gave a long suffering sigh before relenting.
"Do you really need to do this right now?" She asked with irritation.
"If I'm going to have time to prepare for our date tonight," Oliver said, gently taking her hand and kissing it. She sighed again, but this time she didn't seem nearly so annoyed.
"Whatever. I'm going to find Jessica." Their goodbye kiss was at least full minute long, and Rachel wondered if Oliver had forgotten about them already. When they finally broke apart the girlfriend walked away without as much as a glance at anyone else at the table.
"Come on, Jesse." Looking regretfully down at his uneaten lunch Jesse stood up.
His kiss with Rachel was significantly shorter but she didn't complain. "I'll see you later," she told him.
"Yeah. I'll call you later," He replied, and then paused. A frown flashed across his face, quickly followed by realization of the fact that Rachel had just effectively gotten rid of him. He gave her an unreadable look. "I'll see you guys later," he told them again with a mix of annoyance and admiration in his voice, before following after Ollie. Rachel watched him walk away.
"So how's the audition prep going?" Kendra asked her, drawing Rachel's attention back to the table.
"Fine," Rachel said. After all the work she put into finding the right songs to perform, she would regret leaving before she got the chance to audition, but she couldn't imagine getting up on stage and singing in front of her mother. It was another one of those dreams that terrified her now that it could actually be a reality. Once again her thoughts had turned to Shelby. Glancing at Kendra she asked nonchalantly, "Does that happen often? The forcing you to stay until midnight I mean."
"Often enough," Kendra said with a wry smile. "Look, if you plan on maintaining a social life, I suggest you join some other team," Kendra told her candidly, "once you join Vocal Adrenaline the only people you'll have time to hang out with are your teammates."
For Rachel that wouldn't really be a problem, but something about that bit of information stuck out in her mind, "Coach Corcoran must be really dedicated to her job…what does her family think of it? Aren't they upset about her spending so much time with the team?"
Kendra shrugged, "she's not married and she doesn't have any kids. So as far as I know she doesn't have any family."
Rachel fished for more information, "she doesn't even have a boyfriend or something?" This was just one more difference between having the idea of a mother and having an actual mother. Rachel had always avoided the possibility of her mother having another family when she conjured her up in her mind, but the reality that Shelby might be all alone really bothered her.
Kendra looked at her strangely, "I knew there was something I forgot to ask. I'll be sure to inquire about her dating life the next time I see her." Rachel blushed a little at her sarcastic tone. There was no reason why Kendra should know whether Shelby was dating anyone or not. Rachel told herself that she had no good reason to ask, but despite her best efforts to temper her curiosity she wanted to know more about her mother. Of course, she couldn't tell Kendra that, and the other girl seemed to be waiting for an explanation.
"Right. Dumb question. Sorry." The look on Kendra's face was not entirely erased, but she seemed to accept Rachel's words. "So how was your day today?" Rachel asked, and just as Jesse had Kendra took over the conversation, requiring very little input from Rachel. As the other girl spoke Rachel wondered if they would remain friends once she left Carmel. If and when she left, her only connection to Oliver and Kendra would be through Jesse and she didn't think that either of them would go out of the way to maintain their fledgling friendship with her. She spared an ounce of regret for that fact, but of course, most of it went towards her mother, who apparently had no family other than the daughter who wasn't even willing to give their relationship a try. Rachel didn't think it was possible to feel worse than she had all day long, but clearly she was wrong.
During her final class that day it was all she could do to keep up the pretense of paying attention. If the teacher had asked her what today's lesson had been about she would have no idea. She didn't even know what subject she was supposed to be studying. When the final bell rang she practically leapt from her chair, and she had made it out to her car before most of the other students made it out of the classroom. It was only 2:00 and already she was wanted this day to be over.
Her phone rang and the caller ID flashed Jesse's name but Rachel didn't answer it, sending the call straight to voicemail instead. As calming as it had been to be with him that morning, their discussion at lunch had been the exact opposite, and until she figured out what she was going to do being around him seemed like a bad idea. He was just one more person she was now determined to avoid today, so she started her car and drove out of the parking lot before he came looking for her. She headed towards home, secure in the knowledge that both of her parents would be at work by now.
She honestly didn't know what to do. She felt like one of those kids who had to choose between their divorced parents, knowing that someone would end up being hurt no matter what she did. She had tried using reason, stepping away from the problem to make a logical decision, but it simply did not work. She couldn't find objectivity when the question was so incredibly emotional for her. It felt like she was standing too close. Like the answer she needed was right in front of her, but her own involvement made it impossible to see and there was no possible way for her to take a step back. She needed someone to talk to. Someone who had some sort of perspective that wasn't compromised by their own bias or emotion. Obviously both of her dads were out of the question, and so was Jesse.
That left…
As she walked into her house Rachel tried to think of someone, anyone, else that she could talk to about this. There was her therapist, of course, but she generally avoided talking to him as much as possible. The only reason she agreed to talk to him in the first place was because her dads had insisted, and she did her best not to go to him unless absolutely necessary. No, what she really needed right now was a friend. Rachel walked into her bedroom and closed the door. The list of people she considered 'friends' had been incredibly short even before she left McKinley high, but now that she really needed one to talk to her mind was drawing a complete blank. That fact scared her more than she was usually willing to admit.
She mechanically took off her jacket and hung it up in her closet. As she was about to turn away her eyes latched onto a piece of clothing that didn't belong there. Puck's jacket.
She reached out and took it off the hanger, thinking about the girl who had done her best to scrounge up an outfit for her after she had been slushied and her clothes stolen. While everyone else had stood around and laughed at Rachel's humiliation Quinn had done her best to help, without being asked and without expecting anything in return afterward. It was one of the only (if not the only) genuinely selfless acts of friendship Rachel had experienced at McKinley high, and the fact that it had come from Quinn Fabray, with all the history they had between them, made it all the more significant for her. Sitting down on her bed with the jacket in hand, Rachel was aware that under any other circumstances she probably wouldn't be considering this, but she really needed somebody to help her figure this out, and as sad as it was to admit, she didn't have anyone else she could turn to right now. She considered it a sure sign of her own desperation, but that didn't stop her from finding pulling out her phone and dialing Quinn's number.
A/N: So Hiram wasn't entirely wrong when he said that Rachel might not be fully prepared to deal with knowing about Shelby. The good news is that next chapter we will get to see some Rachel and Quinn interaction, Rachel finally figures out exactly what she is going to to do, and you get an update on what is going on in ND.