Chapter 10: Casa Del Nooky pt1
Synopsis: Zalak receives a free weekend at a top luxury spa… but is everything as it seems?
Authors Notes: My first two part story in this series of comedy and action one shots! Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: As much as I would like too I do not own Ashura, Zen, Zalak and Orachron,they are property of MAS and Dark respectively. Sora and Kingdom Hearts belongs to SquareEnix and Disney.
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Deep in the lair of Chase Young, Zalak is planning his next evil move…
"I'm bored!" Zalak yelled, despite that there is no one in the room with him. "What does an evil genius like me do to get either a sexy woman to 'play' with or a person to kill?" He continued, again to no one in particular.
"Zalak, you demented fool. You have mail…" Chase announced as he appeared out of thin air in Zalak's room.
"GAH! Don't do that Chase-baka!"
"What did you say?"
"Nothing… what was that about mail?" Zalak asked sheepishly trying desperately to change the subject.
"Yes, at last a postman decided to deliver here after 1000 years. Now I must leave and…"
"And plot how we kill the dragons and rule all worlds?"
"No, I must go and sort through 100 decades worth of junk mail and bills… What do you mean 'all worlds'?"
"I meant… all of the world… yes, that works!"
"Enough you babbling fool!" Chase turned his back on Zalak and left the room muttering to himself.
"Jerk…" Zalak whispered quietly.
"I HEARD THAT YOU WORM!" Chase yelled all the way from his throne room.
Mail… the first letter I've ever had! Apart from that one when I stayed at Spiky's for the night and nearly destroyed his house… Zalak chuckled at the memory of Dav Strife running around in a panic as his sofa caught fire. Let's see…
Zalak ran one of his clawed fingers under the flap of the envelope and tore it open. Inside were two pieces of paper, one a small piece of card that had fancy gold lettering on and the second had official looking black typed font on it. He read the second paper out loud.
Dear Mr. Z. Taijiya,
You have been selected for a free weekend getaway to our exclusive spa and relaxation resort 'Casa Del Nooky'. The owners of the resort Ms. Mazano and Mr. Hotsma welcome you to the resort as a contest winner and look forward to your arrival. Transportation to our five star resort has also been arranged for you to pick up outside of your current dwelling at 1100 hours. The flight will take on average two hours so you are advised to bring something with you for the trip.
Looking forward To Your Arrival
R. Pearson.
(Contest Winner's Liaison)
"At last, a bit of good luck! DAMN IT! Its already 10.56!"
Zalak darted around his room packing a suitcase for his trip. He arrived at his wardrobe that was built into the rock of the bedroom walls and swept aside the black curtain that kept his clothes dust free. There in front of him were several suits hanging on the wall that were all exactly the same. Grabbing them all he shoved them into his old looking suitcase and then knelt beside his bed. Reaching underneath he grasped two dolls and pulled them out and shoved them into his case. They were not normal dolls by any means, they were voodoo dolls of Dav Strife and Zalak's brother Zen.
Traversing the many hallways Zalak finally found the main entrance and saw a small quite smart looking black Gummi Ship resting on the ground below the evil lair. With one inhuman leap Zalak jumped down to the ship and landed next to it… on his head. He pulled his head out of the small crater he had made and shook himself to remove dirt and dust. Noticing the ramp that allowed access to the ship Zalak grinned at the thought of a weekend away from Zen and all the pesky dragons where he would be pampered by lots of beautiful women. Strolling up the ramp confidently he noticed that the interior of the ship was a simple beige with the same coloured leather seats adorned with plush head rests and a bottle of champagne ready to be drunk in an ice bucket beside it. Almost laughing he jumped onto the chair and stretched his legs out onto the chair's built in leg rests.
"Perfect" Zalak uttered as he took the champagne, bit the cork off and took a swig from the bottle like a teenager drinking cider in a park at night.
"Not exactly" came another voice from behind him.
Zalak nearly choked on his latest mouthful of alcohol when he realised Zen was sat behind him in an identical seat holding an invitation. Zalak set the expensive drink down angrily and swung his chair round to meet Zen who was looking equally as annoyed.
"What the hell are you doing here wolfy? This is supposed to be my weekend away from YOU!" Zalak yelled to Zen who feigned offence.
"Well, excuse me Zalak, I thought this was MY weekend away from YOU!"
"I'm not having this!" Zalak stood up and stormed off to the cabin to 'speak' with the captain or pilot.
As he entered the cockpit he noticed the absence of both pilots and chairs. The only thing that was showing any signs of life was a small black box which was blinking with a small red light. As if on cue of Zalak arriving a screen descended from the ceiling and a single green line appeared on the monitor's surface. It stretched across the screen horizontally like a heart rate monitor.
"GREETINGS PASSENGER, I AM AUTOMATED PILOT SIMULIA 3 AND I WILL BE FLYING YOU TO CASA DEL NOOKY TODAY. PLEASE LEAVE THE CABIN AREA AND RETURN TO YOUR SEAT WHERE I WILL ADDRESS YOU AGAIN" The robotic voice requested.
"Make me you bucket of bolts" Zalak retorted with a smirk.
A8A
Zen meanwhile had brought a magazine with him and was reading it while Zalak had disappeared. The cover had the title 'KUNAI MONTHLY' in big red letters. However behind that magazine Zen had another magazine named 'Strife Fandom Magazine'. Below the title it had a caption with a picture of Dav and Cloud Strife in combat stances holding their biggest swords standing back to back. The caption said 'All a Strife fan needs to know about the intrepid brothers'.
As he continued to read his concealed literary text Zalak came flying through the door he had disappeared through a few seconds earlier with a jack-in-the-box style boxing glove implanted in his face. He hit the floor with a thud as the ramp retracted back into the ship and the door slammed closed.
"The damn pilot is a computer!" Zalak yelled as he picked himself up off the floor.
"I know" Zen said smugly.
"Why didn't you tell me!"
"You never asked 'dear' brother" Zen replied still acting smug.
Zalak simply muttered to himself and slumped back into his seat. But a smirk soon crept onto his face as he looked back at Zen.
"Latest issue huh?"
"Yeah…" Zen uttered in response.
"What do you think of the weight modifications to the S2 standard type kunai star?" Zalak asked his brother intent on causing as much trouble as possible.
"Its good…" Zen answered absentmindedly.
"I made that up…"
"…That's nice…" Zen stated ignorantly.
"How's Davey-chan's fan mag then?"
"Not bad, it tells you how he fights with his different weapons… oh… damn" Zen held the magazine upto his face to shield his embarrassment as Zalak burst out laughing.
"What the hell are you doing with that?" Zalak asked through fits of laughter.
"Found it on the seat when I arrived so I thought I'd try it out. Its good actually but half of the battle techniques he uses are not real…"
"Who cares!" Zalak yelled while still laughing uncontrollably.
A screen similar to the one Zalak yelled at appeared at the front of the room, this time from the side wall rather than the ceiling.
"GOOD MORNING PASSENGERS. I AM…"
"Get on with it!" Zalak yelled to the screen who fired a small explosive charge at Zalak which exploded on contact and Zalak was coated in a layer of ash thanks to the explosion. Weakly he waved at the screen to continue.
"AS YOU KNOW WE ARE NOW FLYING TOWARD CASA DEL NOOKY FOR YOUR WEEKEND OF FREE TREATMENT BY THE SPA'S EXPERT STAFF. THIS FLIGHT WILL TAKE AROUND TWO HOURS SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR FLIGHT. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND ENJOY THE RIDE"
The screen folded back to the wall and Zalak looked at Zen who was whispering to himself.
"Casa… Del… Nooky… does something sound familiar to you?"
"Nope" Zalak blurted out as he picked at his ear stupidly.
"But even these names sound familiar…"
"Just read your magazine Dav-fan-girl-boy"
"That made no sense you idiot"
"What? I wasn't listening"
"Ugh, imbecile. Computer, what can we do for entertainment?"
"IF YOU DESIRE I CAN ACTIVATE THE TELEVISION FOR YOU" The computer voice responded emotionlessly.
"Fine"
The same monitor that spoke to them before folded out once again and the screen became a centre of activity. A logo was displayed on the screen which was a simple 'TV' sign.
"WHAT CHANNEL WOULD YOU PREFER?" The computer questioned it's more polite guest.
"Try the Anime channel" He said blankly.
"AFFIRMATIVE. CURRENT PROGRAM… YU-GI-OH… SYNOPSIS REQUIRED?"
"Yeah, I suppose"
"A two on two duel of intense action is taking place on the world of Astanta. Teen heart throbs Dav Strife and Zen Taijiya facing off against his evil brother Zalak and Jack Spicer."
"Stop, it's a repeat, don't even show the channel!" Zalak shouted from the background.
"Yeah, I hate the ending anyway, too tacky. What's on the drama channel?"
"BOO!" Zalak added at the thought of drama.
"SCANNING… DRAMA CHANNEL… THE HUNTER BECOMES THE HUNTED… SYNOPSIS REQUIRED?"
"No, geez, anything that doesn't involve Dav Strife or us two?" Zen questioned wearily.
"SCANNING… THERE IS A PROGRAM ON THE COOKERY CHANNEL 'HOW TO BAKE THE PERFECT CAKE'. CARE TO VIEW?"
"I suppose"
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Came Zalak's response who was now asleep upside down in his chair.
The screen finally gained a proper picture and the opening credits were still rolling. It showed a perfect four layer chocolate cake on a pine table. The presenter then strolled onto the set wearing a black suit with a matching apron that read 'I AM EVIL' on it in red letters.
"Good evening, my name is Orachron the Magnificent! I am here today to show you, the average foolish mortal how to prepare a spectacularly delicious and EVIL cake for you to choke your family members on!"
Orachron walked up to a kitchen worktop laid with ingredients and looked back into the camera.
"First you will need 500 grams of chocolate and a knife to cut it with. Cut the confectionary into little squares ready for melting"
Orachron removed his Heartless Blade from his belt and raised it above his head. Despite the worried glances of the floor staff Orachron gained a psychopathic gleam in his eyes and stabbed downwards while yelling "RETURN TO DARKNESS YOU EVIL FATTENING SUBSTANCE". Like a madman he stabbed and slashed the chocolate and work surface repeatedly eventually chopping the wood in half. Several people ran upto Orachron and jumped on him trying to restrain him but he continued to stab the evil chocolate. As the screen faded out Orachron raised his sword again while one smaller man was hanging off his arm like a scared kitten.
The screen now sported a TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES slogan on it. Zen and even Zalak who had woken up were staring at the TV in disbelief.
"We never speak of that again right?" Zen asked his brother quietly.
"Never again…" Zalak uttered in a freaked out tone.
Zen ordered the computer to turn the television off and then settled into his chair for an hours sleep before they arrived at their spa getaway. Zalak had waited until Zen was asleep and crept over to him. He reached over him to the magazines on his arm rest. Zalak's hand hovered above the two for a second and then Zalak grabbed the Strife Fandom Magazine and rushed back over to his seat.
"I've waited for this issue for ages!" He said to himself excitedly as he opened the first page and began to read.
Meanwhile in a dark office sits two mysterious figures watching monitors with scenes from inside the ship…
"They are coming my dear…"
"We have them soon…"
"Yes, we shall… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"