DAMAGED GOODS

CHAPTER TEN

…

Previously:

''Alright. Then I have some news for you.''

She raised her brows.

''Okay?''

''You're going undercover.''

She just stood there, staring at her boss with a dumbfounded look on her face.

''I'm sorry, what?'' She asked as she awkwardly crossed her arms in front of her.

''You're going undercover.'' Gates repeated as she sat down in her chair.

Kate followed her example and took place in the chair on the other end of the desk.

''As… what exactly, if I may ask?'' She asked even though she already knew what answer she would get.

''I want you to stay in rehab to gather information until we have enough to make an arrest.'' Gates elaborated. ''So you'll have to pretend to be one of the patients.''

''I…- I'm sorry sir but I don't think I am able to do that.'' She said, her stomach already tying in a knot again.

This was probably the second-worst thing that could happen to her right now. Even if it was undercover, even if everyone would think she was just pretending, she couldn't go there.

She couldn't.

She'd already frozen when they were only there to question Christina and she hadn't even gone further than the waiting room which was not more than fifteen feet away from the door.

''I'm afraid you'll have to Beckett. This is your case and you're the only girl on your team. The guys will never be able to play the part believable enough.''

She swallowed.

''Isn't there another way?''

Gates shook her head.

''No, there isn't. Besides, most cops would kill to go undercover.''

She nodded. She couldn't talk herself out of this without giving herself away.

''What exactly am I supposed to do?'' She sighed.

''Well, just go home now and do some research on eating disorders-'' Not needed, she bitterly thought. ''-then in three days you will go to rehab and you just have to make up a story you can tell them. The director will know you're undercover but the doctors and others won't. You have to follow the therapy and try to get information out of the other girls, especially Christina. When we have enough to make an arrest you'll be able to go home.'''

She nodded but didn't answer. She wasn't able to think straight. How was she supposed to follow therapy? Doctors? Therapy? Rehab?

She saw Gates' lips moving but she didn't hear what she was saying.

''-go home now and prepare. Take the next two days off and I will see you here in three days with your suitcase packed.''

She nodded and made her way back into the bullpen. Everyone seemed to be moving around so quickly and everything seemed so noisy, so crazy.

She stumbled towards her desk and grabbed her coat and bag, accidentally pushing some papers and one of the elephants off her desk. The papers twirled around and the elephant fell onto the ground where it broke into a hundred pieces.

She didn't bother to clean it up; didn't even care.

For the second time in a short time she made her way towards the elevator with tears in her eyes and her empty stomach feeling so heavy.

''Kate!'' Suddenly there he was, slipping into the elevator, just before the doors closed.

She gave him a watery smile.

''What's wrong?'' He softly asked.

''Nothing.'' She said with a watery smile. Not that she seriously believed she was fooling him, but still. She just didn't feel like talking about it; there had been to many tears over and in front of him already the last couple of days.

The elevator arrived at floor level and the doors opened. She hastily stepped out and tried to ignore the buzzing sound of officers talking.

''You're going home?'' He asked when he noticed she was making her way towards her car.

She nodded.

''Yeah.'' She unlocked her car and put her bag down in the passenger seat.

''Can I come?'' He asked.

''Why?'' She shot back as she turned her head towards him and sat down behind the steer; the door still open.

''Because… I have nothing else to do. If I go home I have to write.'' He pouted.

She shrugged. It would do no harm if he came home with her; she might even like it. But then again…

''I have stuff to do.'' She said, as she re-adjusted the review-mirror.

''What kind of stuff?''

''Police stuff.'' She said rolling her eyes.

''I can help..'' He tried one more time.

''You can come, but you can't help and you'll have to entertain yourself.'' She then gave in and grabbed her bag, put it down on the backseat.

He grinned as was sitting next to her in no time.

She tried to suppress a smile as she started the engines, and he instantly started fiddling with the radio.

…

''So…. What are we gonna do?'' He asked excitedly.

''Castle I told you I have stuff to do. You'll have to entertain yourself.'' She said as she dropped her jacket next to the door, not bothering to hang it up.

Then she set down her bag on the kitchen table and took out her planner and a stack of files.

She noticed Castle wandering around her apartment but decided to ignore it.

She opened her laptop which has already been sitting on the table and started it up. Then she finally sat down and began to organize the papers.

''Why are you doing paperwork? We haven't even closed the case or made an arrest yet.'' He asked while standing on the other side of the room, looking at the pictures she'd lined up against the wall.

She hummed absentmindedly while she opened up an empty word-document.

''Research.''

''For what?''

''I'm going undercover.'' She said as if it was no big deal even though she knew it was.

''As…what?'' He asked as he put down the picture of her and her dad that he was holding.

''As a rehabilitant.'' She scribbled something down on one of the papers and kept avoiding his eyes.

She could almost hear him frown as he pulled up a chair and sat down. The awkwardness of his stare upon her bent head forced her to look up.

''Why?'' He said, looking genuinely confused.

''Because we need to get information on Christina Greville but we don't have enough to interrogate her.'' Her answers were short, and she knew it wasn't fair to play it this cool; he deserved more than that. But she couldn't, not yet.

''When- when are you leaving?'' He asked, his eyes clouded.

''Wednesday.'' She bit her lip and returned to the screen.

''What are you researching?'' He asked as he stood up to stand behind her and rested his hand on the back of her chair.

She breathed in deeply, yet not loud enough for him to notice her sharp intake of breath.

''I-uh. Gates told me to research on eating disorders and make up a story.'' She said; it wasn't lying, not really.

''What is your back story gonna be?'' He asked as a hint of a smile returned. ''I'm good with stories, maybe I can help?''

''I think I'm just gonna..'' Her voice faded, she didn't know what she was gonna say in the first place, but she knew that she didn't want him to help her.

''Gonna what?''

''Pack.'' She said as she stood up. It was ridiculous, she wasn't supposed to leave for another two-and-a-half days, but she was eager to have something to do.

''Can I help?'' He said as he jumped up and followed her even though she was going nowhere.

''Eager much to rummage through my underwear?'' She teased him, happy the banter was back. ''You can list what I have to take with me.'' She then smiled. ''I suck at packing; always forget something.''

He grinned and immediately picked up the pen she'd left on her table and ripped off a blank piece of paper from the note block that was lying next to it.

''Alright, you get your suitcase, I will make a list.'' He said as he was already writing down a few main items.

She nodded and disappeared into her bedroom.

…

He continued to pick up the photos and look at them while she searching for her suitcase. He could hear her rummaging through stuff in her bedroom, even though he was standing in the livingroom; looking at the pictures she'd hung up on the walls because he had decided he would rather write down the things when she was here.

When he picked up a particular frame, holding a picture of the two of them in front of the murderboard, a piece of paper fell out from the back.

He bent down to retrieve it and gasped when he saw what it portayed.

''Kate…'' He suddenly spoke, his tone serious as hell.

''Hm?'' She appeared into the livingroom, dragging a huge white suitcase with her.

''What is this?'' He said, holding up the picture; merely printed on paper. It was thin, worn out and crumpled as if it had been through a lot.

She didn't need to come closer to see what it was. She didn't need to turn it around to see what was written on the back of it.

''Castle. Put it back.'' She said, looking at him directly; frozen in place.

He touches things. She thought. She should've known that, shouldn't have let him come home with her.

''Kate what is this?'' He repeated, his voice full of worry.

''Castle please put it away. It's nothing.'' She lied. Of course it was something.

It was a picture of her –or more likely, her body from feet to neck in just her underwear- that was taken the first day she got 'home' in her father's cabin after the shooting.

She wasn't stupid, she knew she'd been underweight, and that it was a pretty shocking photo, but that shooting had been the trigger for everything to go off again and that photo… she knew it was sick, fucking sick, but it was motivation.

''Like hell it's nothing. Who is this? Please tell me this is from the internet?'' He said as he walked towards her. She looked down, knowing it was just a rhetorical question; if he wouldn't have known exactly whose picture that was by just seeing it, then the bandage would give it away.

''I think you already know.'' She said, her voice betraying no emotion. Her hands held on to the handle of the suitcase tighter.

''Kate..'' He sighed. ''What-''

She interrupted him and held up her hand.

''This has nothing to do with… the things I told you. Or maybe it has; I don't know. Can you now please give that back. I don't want you to look at it.'' She said.

''No.'' He said, his voice loud and clear. ''No. Not until you tell me when this was taken and why you put this behind those frames.''

''You want the truth? Even more? Fine.'' She sneered. ''That's me, when I got home to my father's cabin after the shooting. And I don't know if you enjoy looking at me in my underwear but can you please just fucking give it to me?''

''Why did you take this?'' His voice was soft; quiet and small. He sounded sad, hurt, defeated.

''Because I-'' She yelled, but then took a deep breath and lowered her voice to a normal volume. ''You won't understand. You can't understand unless you know the whole story.''

''Then tell me the whole story.'' He simply said as he sat down on her couch.

She left the suitcase standing there and sat down on the other side of the couch; far away from him. Not because she didn't want to be close, but because she didn't trust herself right now.

''Listen…'' She started. ''I-uh. I don't know if I'm ready to tell you this. It's just.. all of this has been a pretty big part of my life and there is literally no one except you who knows about it. And it's…. it's just not pretty and I'm fucking ashamed of it, Rick and… I don't know if I'm able to tell you this because there's also a lot of stuff that- that you've seen but you just… interpreted differently.'' She said, her voice quiet yet clear, but somehow also unsteady.

''You can tell me.'' He said. ''You know that right?''

''I know. I just…-'' Then she sighed and briefly closed her eyes. ''Alright. I-uh, I'm not gonna tell you the detail but just a little bit, okay?'' She said weakly.

He nodded even though she was rubbing at her eyes.

''It started when I was fourteen, but that wasn't really bad. At fifteen it got bad and at seventeen it kinda faded away; it was still there but I could ignore it. At nineteen when my mom was murdered I feel back into old habits for a little while but then my dad needed me, and somehow I got over it. After that, it was pretty good actually although I was feeling like shit for another reason; my mom.

So since my nineteenth it actually went really well, I would have some weeks that were bad but I was pretty much 'normal'.

Then the second year we worked together, during the summer it came back. Pretty.. pretty bad actually. But eventually that went by too.'' She paused for a moment; thinking back about that summer, and about how much it would hurt him if he would know why she'd relapsed again.

''And then after the shooting…. The shooting was just one big trigger and everything was shit. It didn't immediately start, but I had lost a lot of weight because of the shooting, because of the physical recovery and then I just… I had to gain weight, and I couldn't do it, because every time I looked into that mirror I saw that body that I had always longed for and I thought 'how can I just let this go?' but the doctors made me eat and I gained weight. A lot.

And I think that all those years I survived because I didn't lose, but I also didn't gain. And I think all those emotions after the shooting combines with the gaining weight I just…. I lost it. I started… well, you know what, again, and since then I just… I just want… that-'' She vaguely waved at the photo. ''-back.''

He didn't say anything, and she didn't look at him.

''Can you please say something?'' She said, her voice small and scared.

''I don't know what to say…'' He sighed; his voice broken. ''The second summer? How did I not notice that?''

''Because you weren't there. By the time you came back I… thing were already better by then. The boys… they really helped me through that summer.'' She smiled weakly.

''Ryan and Esposito? Do they know? I thought tha-''

She interrupted him once again.

''No. They don't know, they just knew I wasn't feeling well and they understood that. They helped me getting over that and I realized that it wasn't worth starving for.''

''What happened?''

She didn't answer and he seemed to understand her silence because he nodded and kept silent.

''Alright.'' He softly said as he straightened his shirt. ''I just… this is not what you should look like Kate.''

''I know.'' She whispered.

…

A few painful minutes were spent in silence until Castle stood up and spoke in a surprisingly bright and clear voice.

''Okay, so let's start with towels because they're the biggest.''

She let out a soft laugh; happy that he'd let go, and eager to be busy with something, even if that something meant packing for rehab.

She nodded, stood up and made her way to the bathroom.

''How many do you think I need?'' She called out to him, and he instantly followed her, leaning against the doorpost.

''How long are you gonna stay?'' He asked.

''I don't know. I mean, let's just assume a week or so, if it's not enough you or the guys or Lanie can always bring me more.'' She said as she picked up three big, white fluffy towels from the rack. ''Three, because I can wash it every other day and still have one extra.''

She walked back into the livingroom and put the neatly folded towels on the bottom of the suitcase which was currently lying on the floor.

'''You better take that thing into the bathroom otherwise you'll have to keep walking up and down.'' He said, and he was already lifting the thing up and dragging it towards her.

She filled a small bag with make up and creams, then a plastic bag with a blow dryer, curling iron, straightener, hair brushes, (that didn't go without a comment from Castle about how they looked like weapons, and how she could always just take her curling iron with her if she lost her gun), and other toiletries. Then another one with washcloths, cotton balls, makeup remover, shampoo (is that cherry-scented?), conditioner, some other hair products he didn't recognize, a few razors, bodywash and special hair-towels. (he didn't know these even existed, no wonder her hair was so perfect, he thought, she really treated it with special care). Then the makeup bag was placed into one of the plastic ones and she closed them.

She carefully set the two bags on the ground next to the wall and went into her room to grab her clothing.

When she'd made several piles with t-shirts, sweaters, jeans, slacks, jogging pants, socks, underwear, bras, blazers and- okay no let me rephrase that. She moved her whole closet into the suitcase and then when I didn't fit she frowned.

''I don't think that's gonna fit.'' Castle laughed, but all he got in response was an annoyed glare, although not as much with him than with the situation.

Despite how I wouldn't work, she tried her very best to make it all fit by sitting on the lid of the suitcase. She bounced up and down but it didn't give in, didn't fit. And it wasn't even half of what she would take with her, he silently chuckled.

He couldn't help but laugh a little louder.

''What if you take two suitcases; I think one's not gonna be enough anyway, and then you can use one for shoes and clothing and the other for toiletries and other stuff.''

She looked down and bit her lip. Might actually be a good idea.

When she realized how funny she must be looking she couldn't hold back a laugh and spoke up.

''Yeah. Maybe.'' She then finally let out a laugh and rolled her eyes as she stood up and disappeared back into the bedroom to grab her other suitcase.

When she came out, she was dragging a ridiculously pink suitcase of the same size of the other.

''Don't laugh.'' She groaned as she saw the slight yet adoring smile appear on his face. ''I had this when I was younger. I usually only need one suitcase.'' She said as she opened up this one too and laid it down next to the other.

She took the clothing out and re-folded some of the piles that were destroyed when she'd stated to bounce on the suitcase and placed them on the bottom of the pink one.

Another plastic bag was filled with three boxes of pills (birthcontrol, sleeping pills and vitamins), tampons and pads (okay, he had to admit, that was a little awkward and even though he lives with two women, he looked the other way) and some bandages (why? He'd asked, she'd just shook her head and shrugged ''you never know'') and was stuffed into the suitcase.

''Okay, what more?'' She asked while she stood up and straightened her shirt.

''Uhm. Shoes?'' He then said.

She nodded.

''Right.'' With that, she –once again- ran off into her bedroom and to grab some shoes.

Once there, however, she couldn't decide which ones to take (because seriously, if she would take one pair of black pumps, one pair of black knee high boots and a pair of flats, she would seriously also need one fun pair of heels and hell, maybe some flip flops too right? And you can't forget the beige ones, and the grey ones and the….) so she ended up taking –almost- all of the pairs she owned.

When she stumbled back into the living room with her arms full of shoes he burst out in a fit of laughter.

''Holy hell Kate, that's probably even more than my mom and Alexis own, together!'' He laughed. ''And that says a lot!''

She couldn't help but laugh with him; the last few days hadn't been much fun and this, the fun, the laughter, even after quite a serious conversation, it relaxed her; relieved her.

The pile of footwear in her arms, however, did not agree with the shaking of her body and half of it tumbled down to the floor.

''Fuck.'' She cursed, but yet she couldn't stop laughing. ''Fuck.''

Laughing the pair bent down to retrieve the shoes. When she had all the matching ones standing side to side he picked two –different ones- up.

''Seriously Kate, how do you walk on these?'' He said while rotating the beige pump in his hands and looking at it closely.

She just chuckled and shook her head while putting a pair of shoes in the suitcase.

Then his eye fell onto a shiny red pair of really high ones. He raised his brows as he pointed at them.

''What?'' She asked in that usual way of her, although smiling.

''I've never seen you wear these?'' He said, half teasing with that so Castle-like grin on his face.

''Well, that's because we have never been in situations in which I would wear these. They're not really work-shoes, are they?'' She teased back with a cocked brow and a wicked grin while she picked the pair up and put them neatly next to the pair of simple black pumps she'd already put in the suitcase.

''Like the others are..'' He mumbled while shaking his head and crossing 'shoes' on the packing-list.

…

Hm, this was quite long, wasn't it (:

Next week Thursday the exchange project with Spain will start, and there will be a Spanish girl staying over at my house for about 10 days. I will try to upload one more chapter before Thursday (which gives me a week to write it, so I guess that will be fine), but then there will be a short hiatus for about 10-14 days.

Let me know what you think?