A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 8

Dumbledore's Glee

(TV- 14)

(Theme song begins but with the Glee cast on)

Rachel singing: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

All singing: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

(Mr. Shoe comes on)

Shoe: I'm sorry, what's its name?

All singing: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Shoe: I didn't here you kids!

All singing: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

(Sylvester, or Trelawney, comes out)

Trelawney: Aw, shut the hell up.

(Scene begins in Great Hall in the morning)

Dumby: Welcome to the wonders of the Monday morning.

Snape with his head down on table: F(bleep) you.

Dumby: I have a wonderful announcement! We are getting… a Glee club!

(Students begin to talk excitedly)

Hermione: Oh finally! We already lost our drama club but now here's a brand new way to enjoy the arts.

Ron: Oh come on. It's all nerdy.

Hermione: Oh, you just don't like it because of me jumping to the idea.

Ron: Oh if you jump Hermione, I'm sure your man boobs would fly off from the pressure.

Hermione: The pressure of what?

(Pause)

Ron: Um… you know. The… uh…. air pressure… on your… uh… boobies… um… it's a real thing.

(Trelawney stands angrily)

Trelawney: Seriously Dumby, really? You're gonna add a Glee club to a bunch of jinx happy moron kids who can hardly stand a caldron the right way up.

Snape whispering to Dumbledore: It's true, I've seen them.

Dumby: I'm sure you're both exaggerating. No kid has trouble like that.

(We see Goyle)

(Goyle has a caldron on its side)
Goyle stupidly: Goyle finds this difficult.

(Caldron rolls onto floor)

Goyle stupidly, hanging his head: Aw.

Hermione: Professor please, we've gotta have a Glee club so that we can enjoy the wonders of the theater of musical arts.

Trelawney: Musical arts my not so wrinkly but very aged and bored ass. I've watched the way muggles made asses of themselves in front of entire schools. And there was a girl just like you Granger. But she was hotter, with long black hair. However, she was short like you and bossy like you. Her name; Rachel.

Malfoy: If you'll all pardon me, the Granger girl has a fair point. I do believe that I could sing quite well in front of the Hogwarts School. After all, you're all very easily satisfied.

Harry: What makes you think we're easily satisfied?

Malfoy: Oh please, you all thought that "Me and My Dick" was a timeless classic.

(Audience laughs and cheers at MAMD reference)

Dumby: Well, we shall all see who can sing at this school at the auditions tomorrow. Ta ta!

(He walks off and sings a short part of a song)
Dumby singing: Oh we're all in this together!

Trelawney: Well than, we will see how a Glee club goes losers. Ta freaken' Ta kids.

(She walks off with everyone else leaving Harry and Ron alone)
Harry: Hey listen Ron, buddy. You and Hermione were a great couple and I think that you should stop fighting and try to-

Ron: No! I always wanted to talk about something cool like Quidditch but she was always going on about some old wizard named Gandalf. What the hell is Gandalf, some sorta acne medication?

Harry: Ron, dude maybe you can instead focus on the interests you two share? Like making yourselves look better? You've got a double chin and she has a big nose which doesn't look bad if she powders herself and makes her hair look nice.

(Ron rolls his eyes)

Harry: Come on man, you've gotta try! I can't just be in the middle of another argument. This happens every (bleep)in' year!

Ron: Okay, I'll try. I can talk to her about me uh… I dunno. I'll figure something out.

Harry: Alright man thanks.

Ron: Welcome.

(They walk off)

(Malfoy comes on and sits on a chair with a paper and crayon)

Malfoy: Dear master, I (you're secret informant) have discovered that the diary has made it into the castle in the hands of Ginny Weasly. I do hope that whatever you're planning to do will kill off all mudbloods. Hugs and butterfly kisses, your secret informant.

(Laughs as he folds up paper)

Malfoy: If they intercept that, it won't give away a thing.

(Audience laughs)

(Malfoy grimaces)

Malfoy: I just hope that… that… that Granger won't…. that Hermione won't be hurt, just Potter and the others.

(Screen goes black)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see the Great Hall has a small stage area in the front with several students in line to audition)

(The teacher judges are McGonagall, Dumbledore, Snape, and Lockhart with Trelawney in the background)

Lockhart smiling: Okay then, we first have Hermione Granger auditioning. Hermione, why don't you start now?

(Hermione nods)

Hermione: Okay.

Trelawney: Aw man, watch her suck.

(Hermione glares but relaxes as music begins)

(The song "Glee for Hogwarts and Hermione" begins with a similar theme to "The coolest girl")

Hermione singing: Every time I walk in this school, I feel like no fool but if we were to have some fun then my job would be done. I wanna a Glee club for Hogwarts! A Glee club for us all. I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! It's gonna be a right big ball! If you think that you've got no game, come down here and tell us your name. Sing to us, sing very loud! Hop on the bus and ride around! You won't have to worry or flee if Hogwarts brings in some joy and glee! OHHHHHHHHHHH! I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! One that's really cool! I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! One for our wizarding school! Oh-

(Other students join in as the theme becomes exciting and fun)

All kids singing: We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts; that would be really great! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! Rate us a number eight! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! OOOOOH! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts and one for Hermione too!

(Hermione smiles and continues singing with the others)
Malfoy jumping in: So if you think that you've got no game-

Ron pushing Malfoy aside: And wanna club that aint really lame!

(Hermione smiles more at Ron)

Harry singing: Than come on down and sing to us!

Jacob singing: Just ride around on the Glee club bus!

All kids singing: Because we all wanna a Glee club for HOOOOOGGGGGGWAAAARRRTTTSSS SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

(Audience cheers)
Dumby: Great job kids. The song was a little pointless because we already got a Glee club but you're all in.

(They cheer)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in large room that looks like the Glee room in the Glee show but with Hogwarts walls)

(All of the kids are talking excitedly as Dumbledore walks in)
Dumby: Hello little Glee club members. Now the members are-

(He reads from a list)
Dumby: Hermione Granger.

(Students whoop once at different times)

Dumby: Ron Weasly and Harry Potter.

Harry and Ron singing: Redvines!

Dumby: Jacob Kragoff.

Jacob singing: Sex, sex, seeeeexx!

(Everyone stars at him)

Dumby: Moving on. Chad Kragoff.

Chad: What up?

Dumby: Neville Longbottom.

Neville: Hi.

Ron: Shut up.

Neville: Sorry.

Dumby: Vincent Crabbe.

Crabbe: Hello Dumbledore.

Dumby: Theodore Knott.

Theodore singing: I am gaaayyy! I'm like Kurt from Glee!

Dumby: Oh cool, there's our gay character for our new show; Dumbledore's Glee. Well technically, I'm also the gay guy on the damn show anyway.

(Students pause)
Dumby: Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, and Ginny Weasly.

(They all greet him in their usual ways)

Dumby: Draco Malfoy, Glee's little s(bleep).

Malfoy: Hi, I'm little D.

Dumby: Yeah, don't care. Then we've got Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas who is our black character, and that's it.

Chad: Are you teaching us Professor?

Dumby: Yep. Now, first we shall be trying a group song that I know you'll all enjoy. It's a hit song by the Weird Sisters; a popular Wizarding band. Do you all know the song?

Hermione: Yes, and sense we are in a musical, we can dance without practice.

Dumby: Okay then. Get in line and let's make the magic happen! Oh God, I've always wanted to say that in a Harry Potter show.

(Music of "My hellish game" begins with a rock and roll theme to it)

Hermione singing: So I might not be Van Helen-

Cho singing: But I'm a lot of fun!

Ron singing: When our music starts goin'-

Harry singing: You'll dance even when it's done.

Jacob singing: We are Rock and Roll.

Chad singing: Crazy as a (bleep)in' troll.

Ginny singing: Don't think that we're bad.

Malfoy singing: 'Cause we are sure to get really mad!

All kids singing: Don't you dare call us lame or you shall play our Hellish game!

(Short guitar solo)

Harry singing: Here are the rules that can't be broken!

Hermione singing: In the game there aint no smoken'!

Ron singing: So don't bother to voice your name-

Jacob singing: As you play our-

All singing: Hellish game! So you can't ring the bell as you play in hell!

Hermione singing: Your singing better not sound drunken'-

Jacob singing: As the girls and guys are (bleep)en'!

All singing: So don't be boring, don't be lame! As you play our Hellish game!

(Longer guitar solo)

All singing: So don't be boring, don't be lame! Don't start smoken' or you'll be broken! Don't you try to ring that bell as you play inside our hell! We say don't be lame, as you play…. our Hellish GAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMME!

(Song ends and audience cheers)

(School bell rings as scene changes to Divination class)
(Trelawney walks in)
Trelawney: Okay, it has come to my attention that the kids in this class consist of most of the members from the Hogwarts singing group, or as the headmaster likes to call it; Dumbledore's Glee. Now, I do think that you kids need to learn a lesson about why you can just leave this crap alone. You kids are weird enough already.

Harry: Well, we can't be that weird.

Trelawney: You have a magic scar on your head, Weasly has a double chin, Granger comes off looking like a small troll from Halloween Town, Malfoy's half house elf, and need I go on?

(Random student runs across the hall and is seen through the open door way, clutching at her lower area and running in a weird way)

Girl in strange but funny voice: I HAVE TO PEE! OOOOOOOHHHH!

(Snape and Dumbledore can be seen through the doorway both carrying a heavy cross)

Dumby: Careful Snape, it's a Christian cross.

Snape: Got it.

(Phone rings)
Dumby: We told the audience to silence their phones, oh wait that's me.

(He pulls out cell)

(As he lets go, the cross falls on Snape who yells in his odd voice)

Dumby: Why'd you fall down?
Snape: Ow, my wiener.

(Trelawney slams door closed)

Trelawney: You see? You're all freaks! Stupid Glee kids. I should beat the crap out of your asses right now.

(She walks toward window that she doesn't see is open)

Hermione: Good God, she's turning into another Umbridge.

Trelawney: I can tell you that a little child abuse spell should whip you into shape.

(She raises her wand but steps on a crystal ball which causes her to fall out of the window)

Trelawney in odd cry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Thump)

Filch from below: Damn it! Now I gotta clean that up too.

(Students cheer)

Harry: Class dismissed.

(They laugh as they run out the door without noticing Snape yelling in pain as he is trampled)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Great Hall)
Dumbledore: Okay students, Glee club is going great. Now, we have a very special guest here today. His name is Puppet Dumbledore.

Harry: What?

(The Potterpuppetpals Dumbledore puppet jumps from under the table naked)
Puppet Dumby: Naked Time!

(Audience cheers)
Dumbledore: Oh don't worry, he's a total hoot.

(Scene changes to Snape on the floor in pain)
(He lifts himself up slightly)

(Looks around)
Snape: I am SO taking the day off.

(Snape puppet comes from behind the door)
Puppet Snape: Tell me about it.

(Disappears)
Snape: What the hell?

(Credits but with "Glee club for Hogwarts and Hermione" playing)