10
10. Scenes from a Mauling
What's the matter with me? I feel…pretty good, actually. Everything's still on track, even with the Princess sniffing around. Guess I need to find Drakken and get going.
The thought of seeing her blue-skinned boss caused her to smile involuntarily. Must be getting soft. Shego adjusted her tie and looked around the column to make sure Kim was still too busy wrapping Ron around her finger to spot her.
Kim was too busy to look for Shego. In fact she was so distracted she failed to notice something scooting along the ground; a little thing that flew under her feet and made its way past Shego. It lifted off the floor and made its way toward the next floor. Is WWEE here? Then she saw the thing's destination.
A tall thin figure reached out and grabbed the object. Something about the man's profile was familiar, infuriatingly familiar. Shego pounded up a stairway to keep track of the man as he went down a hallway. He slipped through a door marked 'Employees Only'. When had a sign ever stopped her? She followed.
It was a security station, apparently not in use. The man took his gizmo and plugged it into a laptop, and the laptop into the monitors. A dozen screens lit up, and his fingers flew over the keyboard. He was editing, and when Shego realized what the footage was, she felt her rage boiling over. To make things worse, he began to sing.
Smut!
Give me smut and nothing but!
A dirty novel I can't shut,
If it's uncut,
And unsubt-le
I've never quibbled
If it was ribald,
I would devour where others merely nibbled.
As the judge remarked the day that he
Acquitted my aunt Hortense,
"To be smut
It must be ut-
Terly without redeeming social importance."
You hit the nail on the head there, this is worse than trash. They're nothing but…
Por-
Nographic pictures I adore.
Indecent magazines galore,
I like them more
If they're hard core.
(bring on the obscene movies, murals, postcards, neckties, samplers, stained-glass windows, tattoos, anything! More, more, I'm still not satisfied!)
A new set of pictures came up, and they sent Shego into a whole new world of anger. She watched the man; he was an artist, no doubt. A blizzard of images (How did she NOT notice?) coalesced into a cogent tale of voyeurism.
Stories of tortures
Used by debauchers,
Lurid, licentious and vile,
Make me smile.
Novels that pander
To my taste for candor
Give me a pleasure sublime.
(Let's face it, I love slime.)
All books can be indecent books
Though recent books are bolder,
For filth (I'm glad to say) is in
The mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
(I could tell you things about Peter Pan,
And the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man!)
Now he pulled up a computer program; feeding the images into a file. He stood back and danced as the screen asked him if he was ready to download the file onto the web site.
I thrill
To any book like Fanny Hill,
And I suppose I always will,
If it is swill
And really fil
Thy.
Who needs a hobby like tennis or philately?
I've got a hobby: rereading Lady Chatterly.
But now they're trying to take it all
Away from us unless
We take a stand, and hand in hand
We fight for freedom of the press.
In other words,
Smut! (I love it!)
Ah, the adventures of a slut.
I'm a market they can't glut,
I don't know what
Compares with smut.
Hip hip hooray!
Let's hear it for the Supreme Court!
Don't let them take it away!
His dancing done, the man saluted his new film. "In five, four…"
Shego stepped out of the shadows. "Larry Smearer: fancy meeting you here."
"Sasha, or should I say, Shego?" The thin face grinned. "Haven't seen you in years. You're looking great, and I know attractive."
"Yeah, your business gives you access to all kinds." Shego shook her head. "But, Larry, up skirting? Aren't you a big time movie producer?"
"Movies cost money, especially if you want to maintain artistic integrity. This little venture will pay for a lot of footage. And why are you upset? You know what this will do to that little miss goody two-shoes. She'll never be able to show her face in public! It may not be the same as putting her in a blender, but she'll be out of your way."
I so can't believe I'm doing this! Shego pursed her lips and took a step forward. "True, she'd be finished. You wouldn't believe how much I netted when she had amnesia. Drakken might even take over the world with her out of the way." Larry smiled as she came closer. "But nobody takes the Princess down but me."
"You have no right to stop me, Shego. This is artistic freedom! If she didn't want to be caught like this, she shouldn't be out in public."
"Can it!" She snapped. "Did you ask her? Did you warn her? She's even under age! Is this all you can do with your talents, ruin girls' lives?"
His eyes went wide at the look in hers. "I didn't ruin you! Did you ever lack for dates?"
"If you mean guys ready to paw me, no. If you mean somebody wanting to talk, or laugh, or get to know me, yes! I missed my junior prom, and my senior prom! The only offers I got bragged about how they already had the hotel room reserved! Would I have even seen the dance floor? And all because you LIED about me in a stupid interview! Well, you're not doing it again, not this time!"
Larry ducked as plasma blasts reduced his computer to slag. He tried to escape the glowing hands, but she was much too fast.
GBB!
Team Possible had wondered back down to the ground floor. The kimmunicator's beep stirred Kim and Ron out of their romantic stupor. Kim turned her wrist so she could see the screen.
"Go, Wade."
"Kim, Shego's nearby! There's been an energy spike!"
"This is a big place." Ron started looking around. "How will we find…"
From three stories above a man went flailing over the railing, headed toward a huge aquarium filled with water and inflatable sharks. He appeared to be wanting for clothing.
Kim reached into her back pack and pulled out the latest version of Wade's hair gel. This one could act as a grenade. The aquarium filled with the cushioning gel, safely stopping the fall of a thin man in a pair of red silk briefs.
Looking up, Kim saw a familiar head of black hair pull away. "Help him out, Ron. I'm going after Shego!"
Ron and Rufus ran over to help pull the man out while Kim took the stairs. "Hey," grinned, "you're Larry Smearer! I'm…" He saw the note burned into the man's briefs.
I upskirted Kim Possible.
Ron's expression changed, as did the end of his sentence. "…going to go Monkey on you!"
Shego was dashing for the last flight of stairs and the parking garage below when Kim Possible vaulted in front of her. The teen crime fighter was in her mission togs. Shego broke into a mystifying grin.
"You know, Princess, you coulda stopped me a lot sooner if you hadn't stopped to change. Why the delay?"
Kim came forward with an attack. "I don't go around flipping in a skirt."
Shego blocked the punches easily. "I remember you doing all kinds of flips and jumps in Bueno Nacho in your cheerleader outfit." She launched an attack of her own.
"That's different! I had on another set of shorts." Kim threw a kick. Shego's block turned Kim's back to her. Her hand darted out, not in the usual attack, but in an almost playful slap to Kim's flank. The girl gasped.
"I'd say different. You're missing some fabric there, Pumpkin." Shego's grin got wider, and more aggravating, as she easily blocked all of Kim's attacks. "And you might want to be a little more earth bound with your kicks. Those knickers are easy to get into a twist. I speak from experience."
Kim's face went beet red.
"Gotta say, they're a cute pair." The pale villainess smiled. "I don't swing that way, but if I did, you'd do it for me."
"You monster!" Kim went into a flurry of punches and kicks. One finally sent Shego through a store window. "Did you see my skirt? With some cuts and fabrics, there's no alternative!"
Shego was laughing too hard to ignite her hands. She barely got up in time to catch Kim as they tumbled through the Pampering Place, sending bottles of lotions and bath oils flying. "Oh, I bet Ron thinks that way too. Better hope he doesn't figure out why that skirt felt sooo good! He'll start buying your underwear. Men never think of comfort."
GBB!
While the two women fought, Ron chased Larry down the length of the mall. He failed to notice the blue skinned man in black who stopped to watch the screaming man in shorts. The bag went flying.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir!" Ron shook his head as they sat up. Rufus pulled the bag over and Ron started to give it to the man when he saw his face.
"Drakken!"
"I'll take that if you don't mind." Drakken reached for the bag but Ron jerked it back and took a peek inside. He gave Drakken the oddest look.
"It's for my mother!" the mad scientist snapped as he grabbed it.
"You don't give something like that to your mom unless you've been really, really bad." Ron stared at Drakken.
"Well, it's more of an indirect gift, but it's what she wants! Now, Shego and I are on a mission, don't you have a nudist to catch?" Drakken stood up and ran away.
Ron was torn for a moment. Drakken was clearly up to something. But Larry Smearer had tried to expose his girl to the world. Ron could be very decisive in the pinch.
"Come on, Rufus, let's catch Larry!"
GBB!
The east side of the mall was in shambles. Security had once tried to step in, but one was sent flying by a plasma bolt, the other from a kick that Kim may or may not have intended to go where it did. The others held back; the teen heroine clearly wanted this one all to herself.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and something came through the sky light. A giant robot settled in front of the two stunned women. Mall security fled before an enormous gun was leveled at Kim and Shego.
"Wh-Who?" Kim asked.
The blast shield lifted from the canopy, and they could see the young man in the cockpit.
"Junior?" Shego muttered, and shared a confused glance with Kim.
A reedy voice came over the robot's speakers. "Yes, it's Junior! Poor, heart broken Junior! Junior who's been thrown aside by the one meant to be his soul mate!"
"Soul mate?" Shego asked. "What's he talking about, Kimmie?"
"Animology." Kim shrugged. "It's a dumb, already out-dated teen thing." She started to take a step forward when Junior's gun took on an ominous whine and Kim stopped in her tracks.
"Neither of you move. This is the RBG 2000."
"A RBG?" Shego tilted her head. "I'd thought a guy like you would go for the B…"
Junior was dismissive. "That's another company, another copyright." The voice filled with infantile pain. "How could you, my blue fox? How could you cheat on me?"
"How did I cheat on you?" Kim asked with vexation. "We never went out! And I've been going out with Ron for months now! Why has it suddenly become an issue involving robots and death rays?"
Junior waved something in his hand. "Because it's now in the Euroblab! Once there, it's official. 'Kim Possible has a Cool Hottie'! The world knows of my disgrace, your betrayal. I tried to take you out discretely, gentlemanly, at Ender's Bend, but you did not cooperate! You've left me with but one thing to do…"
Shego saw his chest heave. She'd seen this once before. "Oh, no." she gasped. "Oh please, no."
Junior continued his rant. "Only one thing will assuage my pain…"
Kim finally understood, and was afraid. "Shoot us with the RBG?" she asked hopefully. "It would be messy, but quick and painless."
"No such luck." Shego groaned as the speakers on the robot sent out a beat. "And to think I liked this song."
A thin voice warbled.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you
Oh, can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Kim staggered like the time she had powered through the earth into Aviarius's lair like a drill. Only this time it was an aural assault that had her inner ears twisted.
Shego was turning green. Not the Go Power glow green, but the 'stand back, I'm gonna hurl!' shade of verdant. Kim gave her a pitying glance.
"If we get out of this, Shego, we'll find the guy who wrote that book!"
The torture continued.
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
The robot swayed under Junior's control a metallic leg shook. Junior closed his eyes to launch into a crescendo, and the women took their chance.
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby…WHERE DID YOU GO?!
Explosions rocked the mall as Shego flew down the stairs and into the parking garage. She almost had time to wonder if Kim had made it when a vehicle pulled up beside her.
Drakken got over as she climbed into the driver's seat. He took once glance at her face and gave the order.
"Floor it!"
Smut…by Tom Lehrer, released by Reprise Records
Every Breath You Take…by the Police, released by A&M