Dean is maneuvering his wheelchair gingerly around the kitchen in the early morning of day five of recovery trying to get coffee and breakfast started for everyone when his brother wanders into the kitchen. Sam glances at Dean, shoves his hair back from his eyes and grunts. "Why are you up?" He knows he shouldn't be growling at Dean this early, but everything Dean does lately pisses him off and reminds him of the look of disappointment when he returned from Purgatory. He doesn't like how his brother judged him.
"Good morning to you too, Sunshine," Dean returns. "I'm feeling better and thought I'd make French toast for breakfast. Want some?" Dean finishes setting up the coffee maker and begins collecting items onto the counter while he talks, a loaf of bread, eggs, butter, the skillet. It takes longer than it might someone who isn't wheeling around, but he has the use of both arms now. He's stymied at the powdered sugar which is on the top shelf; he can't stand and reaching over his head makes his broken ribs hurt. Sam steps over to lift it down for him with a nod, an unspoken Winchester apology for bitching with his first words of the day.
Keeping one eye on his brother, Dean puts the skillet on the stove and starts whipping the eggs in a bowl. He wants to be able to talk to Sam without it turning into an argument, so he starts mulling over how best to approach Sam about getting the Goatman, finally.
Tact has never been Dean's strongest point, and lately it doesn't come easily, especially not since the daily grind of survival that was Purgatory. Somehow his nerves just feel too raw for him to be gentle, lies grate on emotions too sensitive to avoid. But Dean knows he has to do this carefully, and he knows he's going to have to watch how he brings this up because his brother's year off has made him more prickly than ever – he's almost as bad as when he was a brooding teenager before he ran off to Stanford, and Dean thinks that's fitting because he knows Sam wants to run off again. Dean is so tied up in his own thoughts that he jumps in his chair letting out a muttered "jeez" and a muffled groan when Sam claps a hand on his shoulder.
Sam smirks at his brother. "Want to share with the class, Dean? I've been talking to you but you were somewhere else altogether."
Dean clears his throat wondering when talking to his little brother got to be so difficult, knowing now that Dad was as much a buffer for him as he was for Dad. Dean tells himself to treat Sam as just another hunter, knowing in his heart he can't; he never could. Sam has been the center of Dean's life for so long that he feels paralyzed at the thought of putting him in harm's way – at sending him out against the monster that put him in this chair – especially now that he knows he is the only reason Sam is risking his life. He can't lose him. Can't let him down. He wills away the worry that's got a choke hold on his vocal chords.
"Think I may know where the Goatman's hiding." Dean's voice is more gravelly than usual, but now that these first words are out he feels his chest loosen up a little. "I was studying the terrain using satellite photos yesterday and I saw something. It's been gelling in my head, but while I was sleeping it made sense. And…"
"And…" Sam says a bit impatiently. He really would rather not fight until he has at least a cup of coffee. "You know you're not going after it."
"And… I think you and Ronnie should go check it out … without me." Those words come rushing out of Dean's mouth like escaping convicts. "We need to get this sonofabitch because it's mean; and it's injured, so it'll probably be even meaner. We…I mean you and Ronnie need to take it down before it eats anymore kids." Dean moves a plate with three slices in front of his brother just as Ronnie walks in yawning.
"I could get used to having someone cook me breakfast. Oh, and having the coffee ready. Your brother's pretty handy to have around," Ronnie says to Sam before collapsing with her mug at the table. "What were you saying about knowing where that monster might be?"
The three hunters go over the notes Dean jotted down, and they agree that the abandoned building out in scrub trees northwest of the park is a likely place for the monster's den. Ronnie and Sam will head out to check it out right after breakfast. "I'm not the best shot, Dean." The complaint is out of Sam's mouth before he thinks to stop. Dean, the expert marksman of the family, can't go.
"I can shoot." Ronnie points out. "If I can borrow your bear gun and its silver bullets. Maybe you could bring that big knife," Ronnie says to Sam. "We can behead the sonofabitch to make sure it stays dead. Do you need me to get Mary Grace over here to help you?" Ronnie asks Dean, but he insists he is getting around better and will remain functioning without the pain killers that make him so sleepy. His voice is a little gruff when he says he'll man the phones in her office and wait there for them. It's obvious being left behind is painful for him.
"I'm sorry we've been imposing on you," Dean says to Ronnie. "We'll get out from underfoot as soon as we can after this is over." His face is red with shame. He really hates that he has been laid up so long, useless, totally reliant on her goodwill and contacts, not to mention her food and shelter.
Ronnie looks puzzled, and then she turns to Sam. "Your big brother's serious, isn't he? That self-effacing modesty thing isn't a joke or an act?" She pins Dean with an intent look, like she's trying to see inside him. "You were injured doing me a favor – and I still owed you from when I was a kid. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay here until you're fully recovered. I can't thank you enough."
Sam shakes his head. Dean had been losing self-esteem for years before he disappeared when he killed Dick Roman. He wasn't the same guy after he can back from Hell, and after losing Lisa and Ben he practically crawled into a bottle. This version that came back from Purgatory seems to think he exists only to kill monsters. The younger Winchester wonders again what exactly happened to his brother this time, what he's blaming himself for like he had done after being tortured in Hell by Alastair, and he wishes that Dean would talk to him so he could understand what is going on with him.
"Yeah, even after all these years and everything he's done, my big brother doesn't get how special he is. I can't live up to him, I never could. He's the best damn hunter I've ever met." Sam shifts in his seat. "He's done so much and has basically had to carry me along beside him. Dean has spent his whole life looking after me and putting his life on the line for complete strangers."
Dean ducks his head uncomfortable being the topic of conversation. He's trying not to get mad because he thinks Sam is mocking him, but Sam catches his eye and Dean can see his brother means it. He snorts. "Maybe you're the one who needs to stop thinking I'm some kind of superhero, Sam." He turns to look at Ronnie. "Sam here is the brains of the operation. He's a genius. I'm the screw up – just a dumb grunt. I've messed up so many times, let down so many people. My biggest accomplishment has been to survive – and I barely manage that lately." He shakes his head again and makes a mumbled excuse to leave the room.
Sam watches him go before he turns back to Ronnie to hammer out plans for the hunt, but finds her staring at him appraisingly. "Your brother's visible wounds are the least of it, you know. Seems like something deep inside him is broken." Ronnie says, and Sam would get angry about her prying, but he can see she actually cares and he knows it's the truth.
"Any idea what it is, or how I could help him? Because I would do almost anything for him. Anything he'd let me do."
"…almost anything?" Ronnie asks, drawing a deep sigh from Sam.
"I don't want to hunt anymore. I haven't for a year…since the last time I thought I'd lost my brother. He's my whole family, my only family, and a big pain in the ass a lot of the time. I just want something more … normal. My own family, maybe. A place to call home. A college degree. Something besides risking my life – risking my brother's life – to do. I feel like we've done enough." Sam looks at Ronnie apologetically. "We have given enough. I just got him back. I don't want to lose him again, and I sure don't want to see him throwing his life away."
Ronnie doesn't know whether to apologize for ever having involved them in the Goatman case, and Sam must read that in her expression. "I…I didn't mean that you shouldn't have…I wasn't…" Sam's stammering and his puppy dog look melts her heart, and Ronnie takes pity on him.
"Let's just plan the hunt, or really – let's just go over these notes and see how your brother planned it all out, with diagrams, really. He was pretty thorough."