The Unworthy

"Shirō?"

Arturia eased her ears onto the shoji screen leading to Shirō's room. She heard nothing but silence. Something happened when Ilya talked with him, Arturia thought. The young homunculus had simply stated that something was wrong with Shirō when she found Arturia and Rin in the entrance to the house. Four hours the three had waited in tense silence as Shirō didn't reappear. Rin had wanted to talk to him, but the former king thought the idea foolish. Her idea of talking is criticizing, and I do not believe Shirō is of need of that right now. Instead they turned their attention to Ilya, who strangely became subdued during their conversation with her. It was during that time that Arturia realized that she had behaved dishonorably to the daughter of Irisveil. How could she not have noted sooner?

The young homunculus had the same silver hair and red eyes of the woman that Arturia had seen as someone close to a friend. Although Irisveil had wanted to bridge the gap between them as servant and mistress, Arturia knew that she could not. She had apologized to Ilya for her behavior towards her. "I wonder why anyone would give a name to such a disrespectful child." Ilya had simply smiled and stated that she was silly. Arturia noted of how she had giggled then, and had affectionately touched her hair. Her thoughts had been too deep to be annoyed or shocked by Ilya's gesture of affection, for the blonde young woman remembered her former mistress mentioning a daughter that she and Kiritsugu loved. She had not been mentioned by name, or had the then Heroic Spirit met the child. The familiar guilt had surged through her veins, and Arturia was about to apologize once again when Ilya told them that she was to be deceased in one year.

Rin nodded solemnly as Arturia took in the information with regret. Ilya appeared to note the sadness written on her face, for the homunculus exclaimed that she was happy that she would spend her entire life with Shirō by her side. Arturia had briefly thought that perhaps the auburn-haired mage had secluded himself from the knowledge that Ilya would die, but the emerald-eyed young woman overturned that possibility as hours passed. Ilya…what you tell Shirō?

His name on her lips came unanswered. Arturia opened the door to find it swallowed by darkness. An immediate memory came into her mind. The pure darkness in the room did nothing to soothe her broken heart. She felt her heartbeat against her chest again, and the faint breath coming from her lips. She was human again. She had felt her heartbeat once as a Servant, but it felt different. The former king could almost hear the blood coursing through her veins and feel the anger as it had been when she was alive. Saber, as she had been known, hadn't thought she would become this angry with Shirō. He had taken away from her what she had vowed what would never be taken from her ever again. He had…taken away her greatest wish. To still the violence of her people to become the king that they deserved. Her former Master had taken that away from her, and she was not willing to forgive him for his grievous mistake.

Arturia had forgiven Shirō. He had held her as she cried, and soothed her fears when she was afraid of them herself. In her life, Arturia had not let anyone in as much as Shirō. He knew of her past from his dreams, and she knew his. A cold feeling entrapped the former king when she realized of what was likely causing Shirō this much distress. The fire…!

She found him sitting motionless in the room with his eyes staring sightless at the plain wall before him. Arturia turned on the lamp, along the light to seep into the room and crouched down beside him. Shock and alarm surged through her as she witnessed thick tears rolling down Shirō's face. His face was pale as snow, and his lips were cracked with dried blood from biting his lips. His hands were hanging limply by his sides, and Arturia hesitantly placed his in her own. He didn't respond.

"Shirō, answer me." Arturia held her breath as she stared into Shirō's eyes. The once beautiful eyes that held every emotion and held her very heart hollowed. They were empty. During her time as king, Arturia had seen many of her subjects lose their very selves from the sights they had seen. Although Kiritsugu had implied that she believed that war was glorious and honorable, Arturia knew different. Despite her efforts, many of her subjects had died in war, spilling blood with wounds so fatal not even her trusted mentor Merlin could do nothing. They always spoke of gratefulness to King Arthur, vowing their only regret was they could no longer serve their king. However, there were others who came back and fell into despair and aguish, tears clouding their vision and emptiness remaining where their hearts had been.

Arturia had done the best she had could for her people, but those with haunted eyes had died and those who had loved her eventually hated her and wished for a new king. "Shirō…" she whispered, her fears returning when she witnessed more tears trailing down the young man's cheeks. Why…is this causing me so much pain? Arturia thought as she felt a sharp pain enter her heart as she continued to stare at Shirō's empty expression.

"I…am no hero." The voice sounded as if it had been asleep for a thousand years. Arturia's emerald eyes observed Shirō's empty face. The paleness and devastation burned into her mind. "I…have never been a hero."

"Tell me, Shirō." The young man didn't respond. "Please," Arturia whispered, hoping that he could not hear the growing desperation in her voice.

"I…" the single word faltered. Arturia could seeing the haunted look in Shirō's eyes become more pronounced. "Ilya told me that I wasn't a hero…that I simply used that as an excuse to lie to myself." A shuddering breath escaped from him.

Arturia closed her eyes and prepared herself for what was to come. She had…known of Shirō's belief of saving others before himself. Of living for others and sacrificing himself for the happiness of other people. Arturia knew what the young man across from her felt, for she was the same way. She and Shirō were reflections of each other. But…

"I should have died that day." Arturia's stunned gaze turned to where Shirō was sitting. There were no tears. His voice appeared calm, but Arturia could hear the faint subtleness of his voice that he was broken. "I…believed that the only way to atone for what I had done…was to help others. If…I helped them and made them smile…then it would mean that I…was worthy to live." His hands clenched, and a shuddering sound escaped from him. "If I lived for others and made them happy…"

"Shirō, what caused this?" His eyes widened impossibly wide, and she could hear his breathing becoming erratic. "Shirō…was it the fire? Or was it something that happened because of the fire?" Although she loved him, the king that had fought for her kingdom urged her to set aside her weak heart and ask questions that shouldn't be asked.

She heard his breathing become more frantic and his eyes widening. Arturia attempted to squeeze his hand, but Shirō desperately pulled away. His shuddering breaths and uncanny eyes and the thick tears that spilled onto the floor caused Arturia to become alarmed. He's going to…

She held his chin in her hands and forced him to look into her eyes. Arturia felt Shirō's breathing slowing and his movements dull. Her eyes wouldn't leave his. The firmness and understanding within the green depths caused Arturia to note of the sudden change in Shirō. His body immediately stilled and Arturia caught him as he suddenly collapsed into her chest. His sudden movement caused her to collide with the floor, leaving Shirō's head across her chest and their legs intertwined. For a moment neither of them spoke.

"I let them die." Shirō's voice didn't hold any emotion. Even the emptiness was gone. "I let my parents die." Softly, Arturia turned her eyes towards the auburn-haired mage so that he could look into her eyes. "My mother…and father died." She listened to his monotone voice. "I was…seven years old when the Fourth Holy Grail War ended and the fire spread. I remember that I was playing with my parents. They were…chasing me around the house. It was…the last time I ever truly laughed." Arturia saw the growing despair surrounding Shirō. However, she knew that she could not hold his hand. "The fire…it had just started spreading. I was the first one to notice it. My father…didn't know why I suddenly stopped laughing. Why the smile suddenly disappeared on my face. Then the screams reached our ears. We didn't know what to do. The house that we lived in was small. The fire…destroyed everything. I remember the smoking building and the fire consuming everything."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I…was the only one that lived that day. Everyone….had died. I had only reached the door when a beam suddenly crashed and separated me from my mother and father. I…still remember their faces. Pleading for me, their son, to save them. The fire was so red. It was burning across their backs, and their screams…I remember their screams. I can hear them calling for me even now." A deep shuddering breath tore from Shirō, almost coming out as a sob. "I…didn't see them die. Or maybe I did. All I know was that I tried to reach them. I tried. The flames were too hot and I was…scared. I couldn't do anything but hear them scream. I could see the fire burning their clothes and their skin beginning to melt and burn… I jumped away before the house entirely collapsed. I was…ashamed…but I was relieved to hear the only sound of the fire burning. And then…I walked. I walked as people died before my eyes, pleading and reaching for me. I could do nothing."

"Nothing." Arturia felt Shirō bury his face deeper into her chest. "I…didn't save them. I didn't want to save anyone. Not even…" Desperate sobs tore from him. "I wanted to save myself when all of those people had more reasons to live than I did. I…killed them." Arturia felt tears grow in her eyes at the sound of the young mage sounding so desperate. "When…when I thought I was going to die, I felt nothing. I just…wanted it to end. I thought that I deserved to be dead after what I had done. I had no right to live. Which…is why I felt pity for my adopted father's joy for saving me. I felt nothing but pity and nothingness until he told me about his dream." Hollow and despair-filled sobs echoed in the room. "I…am nothing but a liar. I didn't want to be a hero. I…just wanted to die for what I had done…for the longest time." Arturia felt his hand on her face and saw the emptiness in his eyes.

"I…was so traumatized by what had happened, I forgot everything in my life before that night. I even…forgot my name. Emiya Kiritsugu had to give me a name." Shirō thickly swallowed, the pain bright in his eyes. "My name…was Hazama Hiroki. …That was my name." He fell silent for the longest time before he spoke again. Arturia, I…wanted to save you because I didn't think I was worth saving. I helped people and gave my heart out to them because I felt that I needed a reason to live. Until…"

"Until what?" Arturia gently gasped when Shirō's glassy stare bored into her eyes.

"You." Arturia was motionless as Shirō spoke haltingly. "I…found true happiness with you, Arturia. You made me smile. I felt happiness by just being with you. I…truly didn't feel as broken as I did before. In the days during the Fifth Holy Grail War and after, I felt truly alive…and I wanted to live. Which is why…" He closed his eyes then and brushed his nose against her cheek. "I would have died if you had left to save your kingdom. I would have…withered away into a walking corpse if you had fulfilled your wish, Arturia, which is why –"

"I am not worthy of happiness, Shirō." Arturia stated solemnly. Her emerald eyes darkened, and her expression became weary with sorrow. "I do not deserve happiness not only because I failed my people as king…but because I killed my daughter."

"Your…daughter?" Shirō whispered. The disbelief in his voice echoed against the sorrow in Arturia's eyes. He could see the loneliness surrounding her. The only time he had seen her this devastated was at the mention of her kingdom and her failures as a king. His voice was still weak. Shirō felt the tears from his eyes stop as he continued to stare at the young woman almost crying before him. His tears had finally flowed. His sobs and cries that had been absent for the long ten years and in fact existed.

Shirō could still feel the tightness in his chest at the memory of his parents' deaths. Their deaths burned again in his mind, echoing the broken and desperate voice and sobs that had emerged from him when he had finally admitted the truth. Shirō had wanted to die for so long. For causing the death of his parents. For not saving anyone. He had wanted to die, and the dream created by his adopted father had been the perfect disguise to hide his true wish. Now Arturia was before him, making Shirō think of the multiple conversations they had before. Through his dreams, he had seen Arturia's rise to king and her hopes and dreams. He had seen her death. So much he had seen, and yet…

Shirō's heart stopped. He remembered in her dream there was a figure that challenged her, that Arturia had killed. "Father…" The face revealed was identical to Arturia's own.

"The person who killed you…was your daughter?"

"Yes," Arturia whispered dully. Her eyes were dark with grief. "I had to kill her…to save my kingdom."

"But…" Shirō tried to grasp the new information. A daughter… "How could that be? How could you have…?"

"Modred was not born as humans are. I…have not been with a man." Arturia glanced at Shirō's bewildered expression. "Modred…was a homunculus as Ilya. As an immortal being, the realm was concerned about bearing an heir. No one knew the truth of course." Shirō watched as Arturia began to become pensive. "The mage Merlin made it so that I could create sperm, and the sperm was placed in my half-sister's womb, another mage named Morgan le Fay." She looked at Shirō. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," the auburn-haired mage whispered even as he felt uneasiness cloud his mind.

"As you know, homunculi age much faster than humans. It is partly why Ilya has never aged. I did not see Modred's birth, or see…my heir until five years later." Arturia breathed heavily and her hands clenched at her sides. "She appeared before me, and approached me, demanding that I give her the right to the throne." Arturia closed her eyes, tension evident of her face, and did not move when tears trailed down her cheeks. "I refused her…and for that, she…rebelled. Eventually the rebellion spread through my kingdom, and I was forced to battle."

"Why did she want to be king so badly?" Shirō rasped. He had heard about rebellions stemming from cruel leadership and slaughter, but Arturia was a good king. She cared very deeply about her people. She cried for them.

"She believed it was her right," the former king uttered softly. "She believed that it was…her destiny to become king. And my sister manipulated her feelings for me once I refused her." Thick tears trailed down Arturia's cheeks, looking similar to the silver. "She wanted me to acknowledge her and to be proud of her. However…I could not. She…did not have the heart of a king." Arturia looked up at the wall and continued to whisper, the agony clouding her voice. "Although she was a very good knight and swordsman, she was cruel and arrogant. Her rage towards her life consumed her, and she did not care for the people. She did not…care for the happiness of her people. Mordred only wanted what she thought was her right."

"Arturia…" Shirō whispered.

"I killed her, but was unable to keep my kingdom safe. Modred had achieved what she wanted. She turned my beloved people against me, and would have taken the throne if I had not killed her." Arturia glanced up at Shirō, and the young man wanted to brush her tears away but she would not let his hands near her eyes. "If I had led my people…and not have cared for them…perhaps then Modred wouldn't have died. If I had allowed my people to be themselves and not would I have wanted them to be, then none of this would have happened."

"What are you saying, Arturia?" Shirō shouted. The blonde young woman looked up at him in shock. His eyes, formerly empty, burned in anger. "Modred did that to herself! She didn't think of the kingdom, but of her own selfish wish! You loved your people, Arturia. You loved them and cared for them enough that you would sacrifice your own life and emotions for your own wellbeing. Modred…didn't think of her people or of their happiness!" Suddenly Shirō embraced her, feeling her head against his shoulder. "You were a great king, Saber. You were the embodiment of what a good king should be." Softly, Shirō took Arturia's hand and caressed it. "Who told you this…Arturia?"

"His true identity was Iskandar of Macedon, and I was his ally during the Fourth Holy Grail." Shirō frowned, remembering the familiar name. His anger increased at the thought of the Holy Spirit. "He was known as Rider."

"Rider was wrong, Arturia." The emerald eyes leaked with new tears. "A true king is someone who truly cares for their people…not someone who believes that all of their people have the same dreams as them." Shirō continued to embrace her, feeling her calm in his arms. He felt her breath against his neck.

"Shirō?"

"Hmm?"

"I encountered one of my people during the war. One of knights of the Round Table…named Lancelot became Berserker…and despite of all the hatred inside him, he said that I was a good king." Arturia breathed deeply and sighed. She closed her eyes and smiled, softly. "Hearing it from you, however…makes me feel happy. It feels as if I truly believe myself now that I was a good king. And that…I deserve a second life, to be happy with you." Her wet face brushed against his own. "You truly are my sheath, Shirō."

For a couple of moments, neither of them said anything. Shirō was simply content to have Arturia in his arms.

"What is your dream now, Shirō?" At the question, the young auburn-haired mage didn't answer at first. His illusion had faded now. The life that he had led for the past ten years had ceased to exist with Arturia in his arms. At the thought of her, Shirō pulled away from her and stared deeply into Arturia's eyes.

"I had a dream once to save everyone in order to believe that I was worthy enough to live," Shirō whispered. He took Arturia's face in his hands and softly smiled, as in awe as he had been that night that she had found him in the warehouse. "That dream is now gone. I…have something else though."

Shirō could almost hear Arturia's heartbeat against his chest. He could see his eyes widen as he smiled. Truly smiled. He saw her face glow in surprise and happiness when he stated the words out of his lips.

"You are my dream, Arturia." He softly brushed her nose against hers, and held the beautiful face of the former king. "Aishiteru." Shirō laughed softly at the happiness seeping through him, and Arturia smiled at him, a smile pure of love and understanding as they shared a deep romantic kiss.