Long one, peeps!
What we could've been
What we should've been
If I wasn't, if I wasn't
With somebody, if you gotta hide it what's the point of trying?
I ain't just your friend, no, what's the point of lying?
Tryna sell a story ain't nobody buyin'
Look me in my eyes, don't that feel nice?
Why should it end? Baby I could've been
I could've been him, more than your friend
Just say where and when, where to make a trip
Baby make a wish, be the one I'm with
Should've been a, should've, could've, would have been, ay
Yeah I would have been (damn)
Yeah I would have been (yeah)
Could've Been - H.E.R/Bryson Tiller
I turn to the love of my life, "I'm very good at accepting apologies, Mark."
"I apologized over the phone." Mark says.
"Fine, I'll bring her to L. A.," is not an apology." I point out and he then realized I wasn't taking any of his bravado.
"What is that?" Emma questions obviously scared.
That's just a shadow. That's the baby." I tell our girl.
"Where's the ATM?"
"AVM, sweetheart," Mark corrected our girl, "ATM is where you get money." He grins.
I point to the ultrasound of the healthy baby boy. "You're not gonna see the AVM here. That's just a cluster of blood vessels, that aren't supposed to be there-" I get cut off by our frightened daughter.
"And if you pop them, I'm gonna die?" Our girl asks.
"W... no. Um, baby girl, it's just a tangled cluster of blood vessels under the baby. I'm not gonna go anywhere near them, so I won't be popping them. I'm gonna go in, uh, laparoscopically and very carefully cut one of the amniotic bands from around the baby's legs." I try to explain as gently as possible.
"And then he'll be okay? He'll be able to walk?"
"Then he'll be perfect."
"Well, that's what you said last time."
"That was my fault, Em," Mark turns over to our girl. "I shoulda let your mother finish the surgery the first time."
"Now that is an apology." I point out.
Emma tries to distract herself from her parents arguing by looking at the ultrasound, "What is that? What is that thing right there? Is that something growing out of his head?" She is now freaked out.
"That is a penis," I tells my girl. "Ems, you're gonna make yourself crazy." I pause, "Trying to read the ultrasound."
"Has her blood pressure always been this high?" Mark questions as he stares into my eyes .
"Yeah, it's been going up. She's scared."
"So am I."
Pete walks in and I jump up, "Mark Sloan, Pete Wilder." I introduce, "Pete Wilder, Mark Sloan."
"Hi, good to meet you." Mark shook hands with him.
"Mm-hmm." Pete agrees.
"And this is Emma, our daughter." I finish introducing.
"Emma Montgomery? " Pete asks with a smirk.
"Emma Washington," Mark corrects him. "She has her adoptive parents last name."
"Oh, OK," Pete turns to our girl. "Well, Emma, your mother asked me to help you try to calm down a little. She says you're nervous about your surgery." he tells her.
Emma turns her head over to us, "What is he, a pharmacist?" she questions.
"No, alternative medicine." I inform her.
"Dude, you are not putting those needles in me." Emma tells him.
"Most people barely feel it," Pete tries to convince her to the best of his abilities.
"Dude, you heard her," Mark intervenes, "You're not putting those needles in her."
"Dude, Pete is doing me a favor," I speak up, shaking my head.
"With respect, I didn't bring our daughter down here for witch doctoring, Red." he defends himself.
"With respect, really?" I ask.
"Mark, what kind of medicine do you practice?" Pete turns around, trying to make conversation with my ex-husband.
"Plastics," Pete laughs, "What are you laughing at, man?"
"Ah, nothing. Saving the world one boob job at a time."
"Hey, listen, pal-"
"Ok, ok" I try to stop them from fighting, "Look, enough," I turn to my co-worker. "Pete, you're gonna do your thing," then I turn to my ex-husband, "Mark, you're gonna let Pete do his thing."
"No, I'm not gonna let Pete-" Mark was cut off.
"Oh, yes, you are. I'm in charge here, and if you want me to do this surgery again, then you're gonna follow me out of this room right now." I take his hand, "Let's go, Mark."
"Is everything alright, Addie?" My twin sister Avah asks me softly with concern evident in her voice as we watch over a paitent.
"I'm pregnant," I blurt out as I compress my lips and smile. "I'm pregnant and I'm terrified as hell that I'm going to lose this baby like I lost all the other ones." The thought of Emma and the baby we lost a few minutes after birth make me sad even more than the miscarriages do, "I haven't told Mark yet because I'm scared shitless."
Standing, Avah leaned over me and hugged me tightly. We weren't identical but people say we look so much alike that we might as well have been, so Avah wears her hair blonde and straight unlike my long curly red hair.
We'll get through this, Addie," she whispers and strokes my hair gently. "We'll take this one day at a time."
I'm so scared," I whisper, placing the positive pregnancy test into my lab coat pocket. "I'm so scared and I feel frozen. I want to be happy, but I'm afraid that if I do…"
"For today, Addie…everything is fine. Have you told Mark?"
"No, not yet."
"You should go," She encourages me as she pulls back and smiles at me. "Go tell Mark! My brother in-law is going to be so excited."
I smile with tears in my eyes, "I know. He'll treat me like a piece of glass, just like he did when I was pregnant with Emma."
"Go!"
I didn't get to have a moment with my husband as I had to keep tending to new paitents in the OB/GYN department. But once we got home the ball was all in my court. I take hold of the pregnancy test and look at it for a second. Mark stops what he is doing.
"Addie," He begins, "Are you?"
"I am." I smile.
"We're having a baby!" He hugs me tightly. "When did you find out?"
"At the hospital."
"This is great, Red!" He exclaims.
"I know," I agree, smiling even bigger at my husband, my best friend, my person. The love of my life. My world, my everything.
"I'm going to make you feel so good tonight," I recieve a saucy grin from him.
"What is the matter with you?" I question once we get to my office.
Mark raises his hand into the air, "Me? What's the matter with you? You're as wound up as I've ever seen, Red"
Now it's my turn to defend myself, "I am not the one starting schoolyard fights with other doctors."
He sits down onto the couch with me, "You're wound up, Addie, just admit it."
"Bizzy's a lesbian." I blurt out.
"What?" He wants to make sure he is hearing this correctly.
"My mother, she's a lesbian. Which means The Captain wasn't the only cheater. It was all a sham, mine and Avah's whole childhood. Everything I believed about my dad, my mom, love, marriage, it's all turned on its head. So, yeah, I'm a little wound up." I explain with a smile.
"Wow," Mark digests everything he's just heard, "does your sister know?"
"No. Your turn." I paitently wait to hear his story.
"Lexie dumped me." He admits.
"Oh." I'm at a loss for words.
"I asked her to raise Emma's baby with me," Our fingers are now threaded together lightly, "Or, you know, raise it with me and Emma even though you're the grandma."
"She's a little young for that, don't you think?" I wonder.
"Do not take her side."
" I'm sorry."
"It sucks."
"Yeah."
"Your thing sucks too, Bizzy's a lesbian?"
"Thank you," I exhale deeply, "When did we get so?"
"Old." Mark offers.
"I was gonna say sad." I clarify, "When did we get so sad?" I ask with a sigh, "Don't you wish we did heroin?"
"Addison Forbes Montgomery-" Mark begins to say.
"No, no, I mean, don't you wish we did drugs, drank too much, shot something into our vein?" I rub my face, "I mean, nothing, you know, that would make you ruin your life or kill you or make you say, "Hi, I'm Addison and I'm an alcoholic." You know, Nai-she eats. She puts food on top of it, and that numbs the pain, the malaise, the-the-the sad. I mean, she puts food on top of it, and she feels good. But I I don't I have green juice. I mean, that's all I really like. And green juice, I can't really put that on top of it. I want to put something on top of it, But I don't have anything."
"And I hear you, numb the pain." I tells me as he closes the blinds, locks the door, and proceeds to take off his shirt.
"Mark, what are you doing?!" I beg for an answer.
"I'm telling you what feel. Numb the sad, feel good. Put something on top of it, Red." he insists.
"Mark, I said put something on top of it; not put you on top of me." I remind him.
"My life is in ruins. It's a mess," Mark starts. "I'm about to be a grandfather, we're going to be grandparents and apart from our son I'm alone. You're the love of my life. I don't know a lot of surefire ways to numb the pain, but I do know one. Now do you want to feel better or don't you, Addie?" he finishes stripping.
I look at him then after a moments hesitation, I go over to him and start making out with him. He carries me over to the couch as he started to undress me. We continue to make out as I let out a moan and my heel goes up in the air.
We were in his parents' bedroom and half naked when we began to explore each others bodies one day afterschool. It was a few months before I got pregnant with Emma.
"I love you," I take his shirt off in between heated kisses and he pushes me onto the bed.
"You're the love of my life, Red," Mark moves his fingers to the back of my bra then unclips it carefully.
I smile as I run my hands down his muscular body. He goes on top of me then starts to place gentle kisses onto my neck. I moan. My boyfriend knows my weak spots of passion for sure.
Just as he is about to reach my panties, we hear the sound of keys opening the front door. His dad is home.
"Shit!" Mark curses, getting off me and began to put his clothes back on.
I quickly get dressed, "Let's continue this later."
"Of course, Red." He grins.
When I get home, I see Avah at the table doing her homework at the table with Derek as Archer smartly heads outside knowing what we're about to discuss.
"Why are you sad?" Avah questions.
"Mark's dad came home as we were getting hot and heavy." I groan.
"Can't you just continue later?" Derek interjects.
"We are," I state eating chips.
Later in the day we met up once again this time where nobody could catch us to finish what we began. Little did I know these afterschool meetups would result in a pregnancy with a baby girl just months later.
"Oh, my God," I manage to get out, "I can't catch my breath." I laugh.
"Well, we could call in the dude with the needles," Mark runs his hand up and down my leg, "Help calm you down," We continue laughing, "I forgot how much fun you were, Red."
"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you date children," I move over to his side, "You forget what it's like to be with a woman."
He spanks my bare ass, "Hey! No being mean about Lexie, Red."
"Did you just spank me?" I ask.
"Oh, you wanna start something?" He questions.
"Maybe."
"Come on. Bring it, sister."
"I will, right now, Dr. Sloan," I went on top of him and we continue to make out.
"Oh, I'll give you more of the same." He smacks my bare ass again.
"Addi-aah," Sam exclaims.
"Oh! Sam, close the door!" I call out in embarrassment.
"Addison, this is a place of business," Sam rants.
"Uh, Sam, will you, uh, just toss me that shirt there, buddy?" Mark asks and Sam hands him his shirt.
"Sam, close the door," I demand as Pete walks over to the door.
"Hey!" Pete greets.
"Oh, my god." I exclaim in total embarassment.
"Emma went right to sleep. The needles worked wonders." Pete informs us with the latest news about our daughter.
"Thanks. Great job, dude." Mark replies as I put his shirt up to my face in embarrassment.
Too bad I joined the other practice. This place has perks." Pete walks away.
"Sam, close the door!" I holler in a low voice.
"You get 30 seconds," I let Sam know.
"I'm sorry?" Sam's confused.
"We are business partners, so you get 30 seconds to lecture me on my business practices. But if you start to lecture me on something not related to my business practices, I will walk away," I announce, "Those are the rules."
Sam raises an eyebrow, "Oh, our friendship has rules now?"
"We're not talking as friends," I make it abundantly clear, "we're talking as partners."
"I wanna talk to my friend." Sam pouts.
"She doesn't wanna talk to you."
"So now you're talking about yourself in third person?"
"Hi," Naomi walks in, "Did you sleep with Mark Sloan on the floor of your office?"
"Yep, and she's making up rules." Sam reveals.
"Yes, I am because I have earned that right," I begin to get up, "When you've gone through what I've gone through with my family, you have the right to be a little eccentric for a few weeks. You have the right to refer to yourself in the third person, and have sex on the floor of your office with your ex-husband and love of your life, and apply random rules to old friendships. You have the right."
"Okay," Naomi turns to Sam, "All right, you need to leave Addison alone because you're making her scream," She then looks at me, "Addison, I'm here for you if you need me."
"You see that? That is a friend." I point out.
"Okay, Okay, you came to me and you were upset, you were scared, you were a little desperate and I turned you down. Now, I turned you down because I am a good person. Mark Sloan had you naked within an hour of his arrival. Now, what does that say to you?" Sam is waiting for an answer. I start to leave so we could take Steven to the beach, "Addison." he tries.
"You broke the rules, I'm walking away." And with that I'm gone.
"Do you ever get used to this view?" Mark asked when we're outside at night after we had sex again.
"No." I reply immediately.
"This is so beautiful. I've always wanted to learn to surf."
"Good night." Emma gives her father a kiss.
"Good night, sweetie." Mark waves.
"Good night, Ems," I give our girl a hug.
"I mean, do you ever get used to this view?" He gave a smile once she heads inside.
"Mark, your little girl is not ready to be a mother. How's she gonna handle it the first time the baby spits up in her mouth?" Naomi is curious.
"I'm gonna be there with her, every step of the way. Maybe Red too." Mark assures them.
"Really? How are you gonna handle spit up in the mouth? It happens quite frequently." Sam states.
"I can handle it. I grew up, you guys. You all ran off to live on the beach, And... I went and grew up on you." He defends himself once again.
"Okay, now that's just crazy talk." Naomi exclaims.
"I think I might move here." Mark suddenly says.
"What?" I question, astonished by the love of my life.
"I could join your practice. This is L.A. I'm a plastic surgeon. I'd bring in a fortune. I could be closer to our son and you could help me raise the baby, since he is your grandson too." Mark inquires, putting his hand on top of mine.
"Are you out of your mind?" I ask.
"Please tell me you're not...Serious." Sam exclaims.
"Addison and I are good together. We were married for more than twenty years. Tell him." Mark answers.
"Mark..." I began.
"Lexie... like you said, she's a kid. But you. You know me. You get me. You all do. You're my friends- My old friends, my good friends. And this? This feels right. It feels really right." He interrupts.
The next morning
"You hungover, Red?" Mark hands us both a cup of coffee.
"You were the one who was drunk, not me," I put my hands on my hips, "I wasn't the one talking about moving my whole life down here."
"That wasn't drunk talk, Addison."
"Oh, come on, Mark. Let's not talk about it. I want you focused on the surgery. This is our daughter."
"Montgomery," Charlotte peeks her head into the room, "How long are you gonna need OR 3?"
"Two hours, tops." I call out.
"Good." Charlotte nods in approval.
"Who's Hot Stuff?" My ex-husband smirks.
"Oh, Dr. Charlotte King, Dr. Mark Sloan. Plastics."
"Sexology." They shake hands.
"Sexology?" Mark's eyes light up, "My God, I love L. A. I was just telling Addie I could be persuaded into relocating if the situation were right."
"I've been saying we need a plastics guy. Haven't I been saying we need a plastics guy?" Charlotte looks at him with lust n her eyes.
"Oh, God." I groan, wanting to tell her to back off.
" We'll talk. Right after our daughter's surgery." He promises.
"Actually, you can talk now on your way out." I finish my coffee.
"On my way out, Red?"
"Yeah, you're not allowed within a thousand feet of my OR," I then turn to Charlotte, "And don't let him join the practice while I'm in surgery." I warn.
"Let's prep the belly." Sam orders when we're preforming the surgery.
I walk in, "Sam, is everything okay?"
"Everything is perfect. Because you can't walk away from me in here."
"Look who's making up the rules now. I am at work, Sam. You're really gonna talk about my very, very personal life while I'm at work?" I snap.
"No, no, no," Sam starts waving, "Hello, everyone." He then faces me, "I am going to talk to you about dogs."
But I'm not listening as my mind goes somewhere else.
After I finish checking up on a laboring mother, I find the love of my life filling out a chart. I brush past him whispering in his ear, "Our baby's kicking."
Mark takes me into an on-call room, "Really, Red?" He is super excited.
I now have a big smile on my face. "It's still a little early but he's really there!" Sometimes I feel like after losing Emma, Ella and all of the other babies this is a dream.
His hand flies to my baby bump, "Wow, he's really strong."
"It feels like he will become a professional soccer player," I muse as I continue to feel our son kick.
"This is really real, that's our son in there Addie." Mark is now amazed as he begins to kiss me.
"We have enough time right now." I indicate to the bed. A second later my lab coat is on the floor.
And then you have golden retrievers," Sam continues. "Now, golden retrievers, like Labs, whether they be blond or chocolate, they're people dogs. They're all about pleasing you, all about making you happy. You can neglect them, you can ignore them, you can walk all over them, but still, making you happy is their first thought. "Snipping the first band." I decide.
"I would be fine if you took up with a golden retriever or a Lab. Heck, even a schnauzer. But Sloan, Sloan is a dachshund. Dachshunds like to eat poop right up off the street. Other dogs' poop. They're more concerned with their own needs than they are with making you happy. They're filthy and immoral." He rambles.
"Immoral? They're immoral dogs?"
"The owners of dachshunds are desperate. Desperate for affection, but it's the wrong kind of affection. The kind that makes you always take care of them."
"Oh, my God," I gasp.
"What happened?" Mark asks from across the room.
I check what's wrong with our daughter. "The AVM just blew. She's bleeding all over the place, I can't see a thing," I then instruct Sam. "Convert to open."
He is unsure, "With the baby still inside her?"
"Yes," I nod. "Ten blade."
"You blew the AVM?" Naomi asks later on.
"Not on purpose," I back myself up, "I already told him that."
Mark overhears us, "Then what the hell happened?" He yells in his gruff baritone.
"Stop yelling at her." Naomi instructs him.
"She lost a lot of blood, but she's gonna be okay." I know she will.
"And the baby?"
"I think he's gonna be fine."
"You think?"
"I hope."
"I'm sorry," I try to apologize, "the AVM is very delicate, Mark. It's directly below the dissection and it just blew."
He is now evidently frustrated, "I need to see her, Red."
I put my hands on his shoulders, "Okay, look, Mark. She's gonna be in bad shape when she wakes up. She hemorrhaged, I had to open her up. She's gonna be worse than last time. The last thing she needs is to look up and see you hovering terrified."
"What do you expect me to do, she's our daughter?"
"Why don't we just take a walk with your son?" Naomi asks with a gentle voice.
"Naomi, don't talk to me like I'm a child. I'm not a 12-" He warns.
"Mark, please, just go with Naomi. She knows what she's talking about." I turn him to the door.
"Fix this, Red." He calls out, "That baby has to be okay." he adds.
"He will. He will." Me and Sam both promise.
I care about Mark Sloan. I will always love him and consider him the love of my life, and he was our best friend. And, yes, he's done a lot of stupid things, but he also let all of us do a lot of stupid things. He let us do a lot of stupid things and he never judged us. He's not just a dog, Sam. Sure he's got a screwed up moral compass, but so do I. He's a good man."
"Mommy?" Emma wakes up.
"I'm right here, baby girl." I smile.
"Where's dad?" She wonders.
"Your dad's here and he's gonna be here in just a few minutes." I take her hand into mine.
"I don't want him," Emma begins to cry, "I don't want any of this. I don't want a baby. I just wanna go home. I want my life back. I wanna go home."
."Lucas thought it was morning at 2:00 A.M." Pete says sitting on the bench with me later on, "And then again at 3:00 a.M. and at 4:00, and I'm-I feel like I'm an undeater." he groans.
"See? That's what I'm talking about. You're a grown man, and you're a wreck." I sip my drink. "Emma-she's she's pretty simple, you know, and young. I had her when I was I was a teenager, and I don't think she's even thought about adoption. I don't think anybody's counseled her. And I think she feels trapped, I think it's my responsibility as her doctor, not her mother to give her her options."
"Well, of course it is. What's the problem?" Pete questions.
"Mark. He really wants this baby. He wants to raise it with her." I admit.
"Are we talking about the plastic surgeon?"
I laugh, "Oh, the concept that seeps from your every word- Do you have that for every plastic surgeon or just, You know, ones that I sleep with on the floor of my office?"
"I-just- I don't think there's anything to debate, Addison. You're her doctor, you're her mother," Pete tells me, "Yeah, well, still, it's your responsibility. To counsel her, give her the options. That baby in there is your grandson after all."
"Thanks," I throw my cup into the nearby garbage can then sat back down. He pulls me into a hug.
"There's the heartbeat," I point, "And it's strong." I grow serious, "So I have to ask you this. Has anyone ever talked to you about adoption, Ems?"
"What, like when you pick a family from the Pennysaver?" Emma sits up.
"No, that's just in Juno. No, in real life there are agencies and all they do is screen families. They find you safe, wonderful families who would love your baby as much as you do. There are agencies. In fact, we have one at the practice."
"Don't tell Mark we're having this conversation because I know that he'd freak out, and, like, all my stuff is still at his apartment." Our girl pleads.
"No, I'm your doctor, so I can't tell anyone anything that we're talking about," I assure her, "And for the record, I think that you could be a great mom, baby girl. And I know Mark is an amazing dad. He's an amazing dad to your brother." I talk about him with nothing but love in my eyes.
"I don't care what Sam says. This is ideal." Mark says as we lay in my bed after sex.
"What did Sam say?" I adjust the sheets from where I'm sitting at the end of the bed.
"Forget about Sam. This is ideal. Three parents. No one gets overwhelmed. Everyone still gets to have a life."
"Mark-"
"This is our second chance, Red. Don't you see it?"
"What if there wasn't a baby?"
"What? What happened?"
"Nothing, nothing happened. The baby's fine, our grandson's fine. It's just... What if Emma changed her mind or there wasn't a baby, would you still want to move down here, join the practice, be with me and our son? 'Cause you keep asking, and you paint a pretty picture, and I'm just lonely enough and I'm just scared enough and I'm just freaked out enough that if you ask me again, I might say yes. So, I'm asking you not to ask me again if it's not about me, if you're just heartbroken or in love with someone else, or you just want me to help you with a baby that you may or may not be able to raise. Don't ask me, 'cause I don't know anything. I don't know anything anymore, except I can't fall back in love with a man who's in love with someone else. That much I know. I can't do that, so please, if you're still in love with the Grey girl, go back to Seattle. But if you're not, and if you're serious, and you want me, then ask again."
Ok, cliffhanger! Mark's answer will be found in next chapter and there will also be MerDer with Derek telling Mer the truth. I know 90% of the dialouge is in PP but that was the basis of the chapter. Also I'm not sure if I should make Emma a little older since I came up with a roadblock in the timeline.